Peterborough

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“When a man is tired of Peterborough, he's got a life.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Peterborough

“Peterborough is a shithole.”

~ Captain Obvious on Peterborough

“Peterborough is awesome!!”

~ Andy Bell on Peterborough

“This article about Peterborough actually has content”

~ This Guy on Peterborough and Uncylopedia

Pe'erbruh or Ptown or even The Borough as people hate calling it, is one of the most magnificent cities in all the globe, possibly even the galaxy. Even the slums and gulleys are painted in gold. Pe'erbruh airport is so quiet you could hear a snail shit on the runway. A hive of industrial sabotage, it still remains one of the safest cities in the world, protected by their God, Guru Nanak. Its speed does not hinder it in anyway from crushing, and then possibly nibbling on all who believe in crime and evil.

The home land of the spawn of all evil miss cloe pepper just kidding:P

[edit] Facts and Figures

Population

99% are actually NOT British they are polish or whatever flippin' 'ish'.

Only 1% of the Population are actually from Peterborough. In a recent survey over 99% of the population would like to see all immigrants sent back to their homeland.

Peterborough may possibly be the only city with halal fish and chip shops since 30,000 Muslims, who recently forced their way through the wooden gates of the city, took over the trade.

[edit] Heritage

St. Peter, the city's former President, had notoriously big man breasts. Peterborough is actually a corruption of 'Peter's Bra' and is named after the location where St. Peter stopped off on the way to somewhere else to take a dump and took his bra off to wipe his arse, thus leaving it discarded then and there in a swamp, now renamed as Lincoln Road.

Originally built to try and be the worst city in the world, Peterborough realised it could not beat Slough, so it changed to try and be one of the greatest and it succeeded with flying colours. To own a council flat, you have to have 3 university degrees. Even the rats in the street have to be educated enough to be able to pick up litter and put it in the bin. It is the City version of Eden, where everyone is happy. It even has a passport office which relates to the latest influx of immigrants who chose to make British passports an excuse not to leave.

For some years Peterborough was also proud to host the smallest university in the world, with only four students. Sadly this had to close after three of them got on proper degree courses in Sheffield.

Peterborough is twinned with the ancient cities of Atlantis, Babylon, Jericho, Athens, and Rome and the modern cities Tokyo and Kabul.

[edit] Mythology

Legend tells of a man with a penis that looks like a deformed thumb is a direct descendant of the Roman Emperor Thumbius Strangulous Dickous, the Emperor who commissioned the Colosseum to be built in Peterborough. The Colosseum was later stolen by Roman Dwarves, that had kidnapped the halfling farmer wizard Willow and forced him to use his connections with George Lucas to teleport the Colloseum to Rome. However George Lucas being the all time classic fuck up that he is (also known as Jar Jar Binks) accidentally dropped the Colosseum in Rome smashing it into pieces, henceforth the state of the Colosseum today. It has since been glued back together and renamed the London Road Stadium.

[edit] Famous People

“Andy bell is famous and from Peterborugh!!”

~ Andy Bell on Being famous and from Peterborough

Peterborough has an incredible amount of famous people. Apart from[St. Peter having lived in the town for 1700 years, the city also plays host to the homes of businessman Peter Boizot, Footballer David Beckham and that guy who used to shove his hand up a puppet. Top Pro footballer Mark Tyler has also been seen often shopping in Budgens where his fans congregate to get him to sign their man breasts and/or Manchester United shirts. More recently, famous city footballer Aaron Maclean has been seen driving everywhere with no license whilst on his mobile phone.

Possibly the most important man in the area however, is fretwanker Graham 'Gizz' Butt who constantly clings to the fact that he was a session musician and played guitar for The Prodigy for a couple of months in their lives shows and nothing else. Although he is the greatest guitarist ever known to live, he prefers not to show his talents due to the fact that the sun would implode.

Yaxley is home to the saviour himself, Warwick Davis. He is known throughout the world for his incredible acting talents as well as creating the continents of America and Africa with scabs he picked from his bottom.

[edit] Areas of Peterborough

Strangely enough all of these areas exist, even if it is just in the mind of the giant silver tortoise that protects Peterborough.

City Centre
A place for chavs to start on the goffs and vice versa. Peterborough City Council tried to create peace between these warring factions by taking them on a paint-balling expedition. Unfortuantely this ended with all the goffs shooting themselves in the face and all the chavs stealing the paintball guns. The city centre is a rare example of bureaucratic humour, the city centre isn't actually in the centre of the city, it is really 3" (feet) to the left of the true centre, my the long winter nights must just fly by in Town Planner households.

Walton
Walton doesn't actually exist, when asked to locate Walton on a map most people go blind. Everyone know's where it should be but it isn't always where it should be. The boundaries of Walton are somewhat blurred, is it Paston, Gunthorpe, Werrington or maybe even New England. These questions cannot be answered and therefore nobody asks them, such is the Peterborough way.

Woodston
The principal occupation for a Woodstonite is wife-beater, closely followed by vagrant. The men of Woodston spend their day alternating between the pub and the bookies, pausing only to fight with strangers. The women of Woodston are only differentiated from the men by their larger number of tattoos and fuller beards.

Westwood
Close to Bretton. This is also brimful of chavs, drug dealers and wasters who drink White Ace. The women here are easy to pick up and the men are difficult to get up. Anyone who grows up in this area of Peterborough is likely to become a criminal or get an STD.
Named after the "popular" DJ, Lord Tim of Westwood, who for a short time in 1987 was the Bishop of Peterborough Cathedral. He was eventually defrocked for attempting to "Pimp that Pulpit".

Dogsthorpe
About a mile outside of the City Centre. This area has some posh houses, but if you roll a 10 or less on a D20 after about 9 'o clock at night, chances are you will get mugged. If you wander into any random pub in Dogsthorpe there will be a wizened old man claiming "'ere there be dragons"

Ravensthorpe
Forced between Bretton and Westwood like the infamous tourist who got trapped between two fat women brawling over the last 100 watt light bulb in Poundland, this district takes all of the best things about its neighbours, including chavery, benefits fraud and wasters.

Bretton
Best known for its Sainsbury's and YMCA where all the young men go to have a good time. It is also home to a skate park were BMXers and 'Boarders clash in a war of the worlds. As well as these charming features, it is also densely populated (like most of Peterborough) with chav wankers. Other highlights of Bretton include the magical dissappearing road at the Bretton Centre. This road was designed to cause utter confusion amoung motorists wishing to park their vehicles. The road mysteriously ends in a car parking bay, subsiquently the owners have denied all knowladge of the road ever being there. Another feature which is unique to the archiectural design of the Bretton centre is the amazing right angle corners in the roads. These prove to be a source of amazment to visiting tourists, especially Japanese ones. Road markings are also a very rare site in Bretton. They can only be found in the most unlikely places such as the roof of "the TV studio".

Longthorpe
A posh area, where people go if they don't want to get mugged or stabbed. Instead they will meet a seemingly nice accountant who will leave them smiling and bankrupt. The people of Longthorpe or Those posh twats as they are sometimes referred to as, dislike it when people with an income of less than 400,000 turnips enters their beloved village. A mob will soon gather, with OAP's wielding flaming false limbs and walking sticks, to chase away the poor people. Sure, they'll pollute the atmosphere with huge 4x4's when they live about a mile from town. Sure, they'll look at you like a piece of shit if your not wearing a kings uniform or slippers and shorts. Sure they'll move if a 'darky' moves in next door. But if you drop a fag, the CSO's are on yo ASS. There have been increasing reports of a growing drug scene in the youth of this pleasant location, there is also said to be brothels and dealers situated in the Apsley Way vaccinety.

Paston
Home of 52.554% of Peterborough's Gypsy population, if you were to ask a non gypo who lives there what it's like the usual response is "well, if you thought Bretton was bad....". also paston is the ghetto of peterborugh walk down there excpect to get stabbed, shot, mugged or even raped. The paston group also are lil theives and will jack ya ped, push bike anything worth robbing.

Parnwell
"Parnwell is well bad". A message from the Mayor of Parnwell, describing how good parnwell actually is. Most people who live here are honest, country folk. Only go there if you wanna get shot with a pellet gun and get battered.

The Ortons
These are a mixed bag,well the rejects from the other areas. with several areas of Orton such as Goldhay, Malbourne, Brimbles, Longueville, Northgate, Southgate, Waterville and Wistow. Most areas of Orton house chavs (even the posher ones). In Goldhay a knife no shorter than a machete is a necessity even in daylight. Most areas of Orton, at any time during the day will contain a small bonfire also known as a car. Maximum Security houses are installed everywhere. However this does not deter most Hardcore Chav Extremists, who will sacrifice themselves to break into any establishment, with White Ace cider cocktail bombs strapped to them, in an effort to get their "72 Fit Chavette Lasses, innit?" in Chavadise. Most of the houses like Crabapple Greeen and Lyndale are actually the best places in all of them . They are located in Orton Wistow and belong to really really rich people! they are having a hard time at the moment though because the fkin gypsies have come back and now they are scared incase they rob them. Orton is also a punch of pussys that dont show up to no fights as they say "[[ALL]] mouth no action".

Land of the magical Fairies
This is where Managers, Supervisors and Executives of the "Peterborough is Great" cult live. They have been known to use underlings brutally murder unbelievers. WARNING: The land of the magical fairies is only accessible on the third tuesday of every second month, when it is a full moon, and there has been rain - subsequently the land of the magical fairies is not a very popular place.

Hampton
Hampton is not sinking, despite popular belief that it is built on a foundation of quicksand and plastic cutlery. but it does small of lard It is built on an ancient red Indian burial ground, and thus the dead will surely rise and consume the living. It's highly unlikely that any of the staff in the Tesco Extra will notice when this happens. Hampton also holds the highest mountain record in p'town, well known as "The Tump," a mound of bricks, mud, semen, clay and layers and layers and layers of dog shite. Female rep in Hampton: Whats the difference between a bulldog and a Hampton bird? Lipstick

                      And bulldogs normally look happier.

Stanground
South of the city centre, which is currently being taken over by the chav scum population. Less and less people are ouside as on rare occasions, muggings seem to take place. Used to be a nice place to live. Soon to end up like Bretton and Westwood. Most of the people that live in stanny dont go school and are all gunna be dull dossers!

Yaxley
South of the City Center and Hampton this chav infested little village is a bag of shite. The recreation ground otherwise known as "the wrek" is for your chav scum to gather on an evening to enjoy a nice bag 'o hash with each other. The highlight of Yaxley is The Shopping Centre or 1970's town planners' utopian dreamland.

Welland
Seems like a nice name... this is probably actually worse than Bretton. It contains 99.9% chavs (the other 0.1 were at the actually employed, a rarity in Peterborough) Basically, this is a place that shouldn't exist. It was created in a freak accident involving radioactive sheep and Cathode ray tubes. Welland holds the world record for the most number of windows broken in a single afternoon.

Fletton
Fletton is heavily populated by the Italians, or Damn Ities so there are a lot of redundant pizza and pasta chefs hanging around on street corners binging on Carbs. You may find a few chavs roaming the streets, but they will not be out too late because there mothers (usually around the age of 14) call them in for their tea. The local average age of Fletton is 12. After dark you find people of the homosexual inclination at a lake taking part in lude acts. There is an Ikea distribution center there but no actual Ikea store. When construction was announced there was great delight from the people of Peterborough. However this soon changed when they realised they would not be able purchase a sofa for 99p. Be warned there may be people roaming the streets in there boxers due to too much alcohol.

Sawtry
AKA Narnia, Sawtry is inhabited by many breeds of Antelopes, Camels, Chincillas and last but not least; Chavs. Approxiamtely 98.3% of the population is chav. The other 0.7% inbred humans whos parents are brothers and sisters. If you were to visit the sports centre after 10am, you are more likely to see Peckham. Swarms of chavs, with an average iq of 28, swarm the village; feasting on any unsuspecting mammals eho just happen to be roaming the streets enjoying their hourly brew. On the other hand, the school is one of the highest ahcieving in the country; the 0.4% of them that is. To get the school buses to school, they have reinact schindlers list by diverting the chavs away to PRC (Peterborough regional "school for cock sucking nut grabbing belends" college where they learn the art of stealing, mating and overall perfection of "How to be a chav". However, if you do visit the village on christmas day, you will manage to enjoy the finest Chinese (chink diddy chink) meals int the world.

[edit] Crime

Peterborough town centre is a no-go zone past 9pm on Friday nights. After this time, drunken idiots seemingly appear from nowhere. All sentences are started with "wot you lukin' at", and guys that would blow away in the wind suddenly think they're tough. In recent times there has been 19 cases of goff stabbings. (Hurrah!)

The Policeman in Peterborough takes crime very seriously, unfortunately his ability to tackle crime has been hindered by the fact that he is now becoming rapidly extinct due to the mass influx of Police Community Support Officers (PCSOs) from Poland, Ukraine and other such Eastern European countries. The PCSOs will claim their jobs are very rewarding, well paid and they are no different to normal police officers. However, they failed the police entry exam and are the only suckers gullible enough to patrol on the beat around the Ortons (occasionally). Credit must be given to them however, as people who failed the PCSOs entry exam became overweight street wardens. On one humorous occasion, it was reported in the local paper that Two PCSO's (possibly overweight and female) actually hid inside a cupboard to escape marauding youths.

In an attempt to prevent crime without actually having to leave the Police station a series of CCTV cameras were placed in well lit areas around the city centre, they claim that if you are in trouble you should ring the police and get in view of the cameras so they can keep an eye on you. In reality the bored CCTV operators just want to watch you getting mugged. Current completely scientific surveys suggest that the police force in Peterborough now consists of 2 real police men, and over 40,000 PCSO. Go figure eh?

[edit] Anti Crime

The Natural opposite to crime is anti-crime it is only practiced in Peterborough. anti-crimes include:

Breaking and Decorating
Helping with intent to embarrass
Standing on a street corner giving directions
The rightful murder of a chav (goth's only)

Anti-Crime can only be dealt with with anti-punishments. These include:

Being allowed to go free
Being given an anti-fine (positive +£)

[edit] The railway system

The railway system is the cleanest in all of Europe, where every train is clean, and everyone on the train is happy. This scared some people and the city commissioned a tramp to ride on every cart to make it more human. it was a resounding success. At one point the city tried to become environmentally friendly and attempted to make every train solar powered. This failed catastrophically as whenever a train went through a tunnel it stopped. The residents of Peterborough are proud of its rail links, unless they want to go to anywhere that isn't London or Kings Lynn or to a field near Stibbington.

Those who wish to view the failed solar train project are too late as the most holy and reverent NetworkRail has taken it away to try and make the West Coast Mainline run even slower, although leading Physicists believe that this is impossible, and if it is achieved the world might very well end. Don't talk about the trains, you will not make any friends.

Peterborough also has Railworld. A thoroughly riveting museum, rustically located in a field somewhere. Legend has it you can only find the museum after a night on the beer or if you're riding a bike. Railworld also has a Train, but it doesn't work, and is blue, they do have a working Locomotive but keep it elsewhere so The locals don't nick bits.

[edit] Transport

The favoured method of transport around Peterborough is the Bus. Bus numbers go from -5 to 12203. This is a little known fact among bus users because these buses don't actually exist. To be a bus driver in Peterborough, you need to have the following qualifications:

A minimum of 3 points on your car license
A note from your doctor/health practitioner saying you have an alcohol problem
A healthy disregard for the feelings of others
Road Rage
Poor hearing, that is hearing so poor that the word "Return" sounds like "Child"

And that is it. You don't need a bus license because no one is going to ask you for it. Bus drivers are asked to drive at either 20mph under the speed limit or 30mph over the speed limit in order to scare your passengers s**tless.

A number of tramps and loonies can be seen riding the buses. If you are lucky you can meet "That weird guy" who will shout a torrent of abuse at you such as "Are you looking at me?!! What are you looking at?! have you got a problem?!! *Incoherent swear words*"

The busses of P'boro, are clean and shiny, and never, ever smell funny. Even the tramps have to take a shower before boarding a bus.

While busses from 1 - 5 seem to exist, 6 - 12203 mainly seem to run on every third monday of the month, when it (The month) begins with a "P".

The road system within Peterborough is mainly populated by BMW's and Astra's, with the occasional boy racer AX/Nova. Peterborough's BMW drivers are known to usually be around 45 in age, but prefer to act like they are 19 again, they also cannot go around roundabouts and like to cut up other people on the road, but after all, it's their road, so who cares. The Astra drivers will either be gypsies or polish, the car will either be stolen, or they will have purchased it for £100 from a mate who made it from 34 different cars and some superglue (or duct tape), they also (like the BMW drivers) have issues with actually going round the roundabouts, but this time it is not because they own the roads, but because they don't actually have licences and learnt to drive at the age of 5 when their older brothers took them joyriding in a stolen Ford Cortina. If you own a car which is faster then the Astra you overtake, the gypsie/polishman will become annoyed and try to chase you to start a fight, you can usually avoid this by signaling in the mirror that they are a wanker, and then speeding away, making them look rather foolish.

There is a commonly adopted version of the Highway code used in Peterborough known as the F**k you system (as commonly used in Italy, Tunisia all of (B*st*rd) France and most of the rest of Europe, except Latvia. The core of this highway code is the non use of indicators at roundabouts. A good example is if you are going straight on (that is, forward) you should not indicate as you must try and annoy the other drivers coming from the opposite side of the roundabout so they cannot have any idea of which exit you are taking. Other rules include:

Straddling both lanes at roundabouts
Disregarding road signs and speed limits
Useing your mobile phone whilst driving (it is actually an offence not to use your phone)

Peterborough City Council recently undertook work to widen the road near hampton. This failed, just like everything else in Peterborough. The road actually became smaller as a consequence. Lines designed to quide traffic into the correct lane also failed. Instead cars ended up getting so confused by the number of lines that many drivers had to receive counselling afterwards. A sign has now been placed warning of the impending doom...in the North Sea.

[edit] Culture

Unlike Liverpool, Peterborough does not need telling that it is a God forsaken hell hole errr I mean that it has 'Culture'. Culture was actually developed in Peterborough by engineers at the nearby Perkins Engines. The factory was then named "Perkins's Dairy Produce" turning out 100,000,000 tonnes of culture every year. The need for culture was soon lost with the introduction of The Culture Show on the BBC. Over a thousand artists and film makers were put out of work due to the growing demand for "indie" (Sony BMG) bands. A year later, Peterburghians mourned the loss and death of Culture from their beloved city. This was marked with a thousand pigeons being released into the sky...and shot by Chav Marksmen.

[edit] Nightlife

Peterborough actually has a Night, which rather oddly is alive. Be warned however, the Night in Peterborough is a dangerous and foreboding character. It should be approached with caution, or if you feel threatened like a PCSO then take a ticket out of their book (no, really, don't. they'll call for back-up) and hide in one of the hundreds of conveniently placed cupboards in the city centre.

There are many people who make use of the Night Life's facilities in Peterborough. These range from 14 year olds, who walk around about 8:30 (390:59 for the anal among us) drinking 'kick' energy drink pretending they be drunk, to 50 somethings who are far too old to be out at this time of night and should be in a home.

The highlight of the Night in Peterborough has to be its Liquid. Some say that liquid is 100% chav/immigrant and that if any non-chav enters, they will be fed 'chav juice' (watered down alcopops) until they turn into one!

[edit] Television

Peterborough has only one Television, it is held in the council offices and is used only at state occasions. When it is switched on there is great merriment amongst the people, until they realise there is only Deal or naffing No Deal on.

Peterborough apparently has it's own Television studio, located in Bretton. Although there is one sign post (yes, just the one) pointing in the vauge direction of said TV studio, no 'TV People' can ever be seen around the place. In fact, none of the TV companies will even own up to having built a TV Studio here because it is in Bretton. It could be said that they are deeply ashamed not to have placed a TV studio where the inhabitants actually have some money like Longthorpe.

As of yesterday, there is no Television in Peterborough, the official TV has got bored of being in the God forsaken hell-hole (Of course I mean wonderful) that is P'bo, it was last seen heading at speed towards London along the now famous for no particular reason A1(M)

[edit] Inhabitants

The majority of peterbores (as they liked to be called) are human, though there are several different forms of animal that inhabit the domains of Peterborough. One of such breed is the pigeon. In the culture of the peterbores these are considered demons, always going out of their way to make their lives worse. One who follows the cult of these "devils of the sky" is called an idiot. One of their particularly evil tricks is to magically create faeces and lob it at peoples cars. A most evil act, that is punishable by death in Peterborough. No matter how much the peterbores try, they cannot exorcise these evil beings. Instead many try to ignore their taunts and whistles, many blocking it out completely.

On the 27th April of each year, teenage male Peterbore-holes meet their counterparts from Corby for the 'Big Fight'. This takes part in the marketplace of the picturesque town of Oundle and results in much bloodshed, until the opportunity to beat up a few boys, girls or Latin teachers from the local public school unites the two sides in a frenzy of conjugation, declension and incorrect locatives.

Peterborough gave its name to its most famous inhabitant Peter Brough, the ventriloquist's dummy operated by Eamonn Andrews in the 1950s. Even today, many ventriloquist's dummies travel to Peterborough hoping to visit the workshop where he was made. However, they rarely make it to the town, since the closest they can get to saying its name is "Ketergorough".

[edit] Sport

Peterborough has now put in a successful bid for the 2012 Special Olympics. There will bee some minor changes to the events:
PENTATHALON: The Pentathalon will now consist of five new events:

1. 100 metre dash, away from two overweight PCSOs,

2. Kebab putting, each team will get one of its members very drunk indeed, the drunk will be then fed a number of kebabs (supplied by one of the Kebab shops in the city), the resulting gastro-enteritis will cause vomiting, the longest distance wins,

3. Shooting, almost the same, but the targets are to be replaced with PCSOs,

4. Swimming, contestants will be chucked off the Town Bridge, those that survive after 500 metres in the water are allowed to continue, those who turn up 1st, but are dead will be disqualified,

5. Cycling, different start to most cycling events, the bikes will be chained to a fence, simple: pinch bike, cycle off on it, possibly chased by PCSOs (extra points will be given by the judges for comical wobbling at the start).

6. Walking. Just plain walking. Because no one does it in the City.

7. Bus hurdling: This will probably not take place, as it is impossible to hurdle over a bus, but for completeness sake the event will be included on the programme.

MARATHON: The competitors will not start in Peterborough, they will start in Wisbech and told to run away from the Latvians that inhabit said beautiful town, first to arrive in Catherdral Square not dead, or in an amublance wins.

CYCLING EVENTS: There will be no dedicated velodrome for the cycling events, instead they will be held on Peterbvorough's wonderful (Deadly) network of cycle lanes. To overtake in all events the competitors will have to jockey for position by weaving in and out of a constant stream of busses, 4x4s, and drunk chavs in clapped out Ford Fiestas and Vauxhall Novas. This is felt to be a much more interesting event that usual, especially in Orton Goldhay.

SHOOTING: This will of course be won by TeamGB during the Peterborough Olympics, because the shooting teams will all be the dirty chav b*st*rds who are all by now crack shots with stalone pistols, it will just take some training to shot the targets rather than each other.

MARTIAL ARTS: It is recommended that ALL incoming contestants learn some form of defensive Martial Art, because otherwise they will end up dead. Failling that Peterborough Council can offer the names of good bodyguard copanies, but it is always best to be able to defend yourself instead of relying on others, especially if they come from P'bo.

By the way Peterborough also has the worlds shittest football team, managed by Alex Ferguson's son, Barry Fry. Since Fry's arrival at the club they have progressed to include the use of substitutes, floodlights and the stadium has only been nicked twice. The club remains over shadowed by local giants Cambridge United, who play in the Premier League.

It is a little known fact that it isn't just Canada that plays Ice Hockey, Peterborough has a team called the Peterborough Phantoms. The team is mostly ex Peterborough Pirate Goffs, recruited after the Peterborough Pirates ship sank through the ice in 2002.

[edit] Education

Millions of units of currency, called "pounds" have been spent on "improving" Peterborough's education system. Most of this has gone on the new ginormous Thomas Deacon Acadamy(fuck off). There have been some regime changes: the pupils will not be allowed to have break times, as the "learning experience" will be so engaging that they will not want to leave lessons, if the pupils feel the need for a drink they will be allowed "in learning experience hydration" or a bottle of water on the desk. £46,000,000 has been spent on this school and they haven't even included a playground. This may sound far fetched, but it is in fact completely true. The other glowing educational establishment is the Kings School (spelt with a small t and no apostrophe), or "Those Fucking boffs" as the pupils are lovingly known. This school is mostly harmless, little is known about them except they wear MAROON. They travel to the Cathedral of St Peters Bra on a regular basis to sacrifice the uneducated
Although there are any number of schools in the wonderful, glorious (etc., etc.) city of Peterborough they are under-attended, because all babies born in the Peterborough area come with a degree level education, a PhD is an optional extra.]

[edit] Healthcare

The healthcare system in Peterborough is second to none, except that of a small village in North Wales called Lllllllchlllllachyachylllllyyyyyyywwwyyywwwchladwddyddddddwddffffffffboyo, and all of Germany, France and the rest of Western Europe.

There is a multi-million pound hospital, which was only started last year and that is about to close. There are also some doctors. BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!! The doctors in Peterborough are feral and have been left to roam the streets until the council find a way to cull them painlessly. Please do not approach a feral doctor, especially if you have an injury or illness. The are to be considered dangerous,; and possibly armed with one of those funny little thingies that they wear on their heads for doing nose and throat operations (They look like a saucer, but silver and shiny).

[edit] Money

If you have money in Peterborough please be sure to speak to any Chav on the Beat to ensure that he or she takes from you for safe keeping. m If you can find the same chav, you are allowed to ask for the money back (City By-Law 11078c), but the likelihood is that you will get either: "A Punch inna teef." or "A kick inna fork." YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

[edit] Commerce

Peterborough has fantastic commerce, thanks to two things... Foskbay and GypoTrades.

Foskbay is a Peterborough born gigantic market for chavs, gypsies and lesbian goffs. Due to astounding success of Foskbay, the world has seen many poor imitations such as: -Ebay -Play.com -Amazon -Congo -Bretton Woods

Foskbay sells everything from the 7 corners of the universe. You can buy anything that you ever dreamed of, so long as its musical instruments and Zbox 1080 games. Prices are good. Usually, £11,000,000,000.99 for the cheapest item. But this is fine for the people of PetersBra as they all earn fantastic money for not doing much, except maybe picking their noses and having children.

GypoTrade is a consortium of gypsy tradesmen, who go door to door and neighbourhood to neighbourhood enforcing compulsory work such as pot-holing filling, copper-wire thieving, footbridge-railing-stealing and 'let us use this spare bit of tarmac up in yer yard'-ing, and then proceed to rob you of your money. If you refuse to pay, they go away, but reappear two hours later with the rest of their family (upwards of 700 individuals), brandishing spades and threatening to 'beat you in'.

[edit] Gang Wars

For several years their has been an ongoing gang war between the Goth Pirate Tribe, led by the scary One eyed Puprle Pirate known as 'Jamie', and the Chav Scum. The City council once organised a paint balling trip for the Goffs and the Chavs. This had disastrous consequences. On one occasion during the annual Goff meeting in the Town square, where over 50000000000 Goffs attended, an Evangelical preacher decided he was going to try and convert the Goffs from a life of wearing dodgy black eye liner, painting their nails black and listening to hideous vomiting noises, sacrificing their pet gerbil to their "god" and drinking its blood. The preacher failed in his mission and was crushed to death under the weight of obese goffs wearing cammo's. (please note the said before mentioned goth's are actually emo's, mini-moshers, and basic idiots you can find the real goths by finding a bar or pub they will be making idiots of them selves and flirting outrageously with any female (or male) with in a 10 mile radius)

[edit] Foreigners

Peterborough is a very welcoming city for foreigners of all kinds. They are sure of a warm and traditional welcome, consisting of cries of "Oy you Polish/Latvian/Lithuanian/Ukrainian person of poor birth, GO HOME!" We are assured by the Chavs we found hanging around the bus station that this is welcoming to a foreigner and not as threatening as it sounds at first. Aaaaaah isn't that nice? Foreigners in Peterborough can be assured of a high quality of job, including:

PCSO
Agriculture Operative
PCSO
Bin man
PCSO
Waiter
PCSO
Bus Driver, no experience needed (not even a valid licence)
PCSO
Working at the council call centre, as a "Consumer Bafflement Operative".
PCSO
Taxi Driver
PCSO
Prostitute
PCSO
Hairdresser
PCSO
Professional benefit scrounger
BBC camera crew exposing Eastern Europeans working in the farms
PCSO
Local Radio Presenter
Lidl cashier
....And, of course: PCSO

[edit] Shopping

Shopping is rare in Peterborough, mainly because the chavs have stolen most of the money (or if in Bretton, stolen the contents of the shop) but if you are lucky enough to have money, the Queensgate Shopping centre in the city centre is the place for you, where there are over three shops and a McDonalds ChavXPress, but one sells only sex aids, and one of the others is closed pending a VAT inspection.

[edit] See also