Peter the Great

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

“HE'S GRRRRRREAT!!!”

~ Tony the Tiger on Peter the Great

“HE'S NOT GRRRRRREAT!!!”

~ Alexander the Great on Peter the Great

“Alright Russia, let's mess up all our icons and change our music to opera!”

~ Peter the Great on Church Stuff

A great dresser he was not.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Peter the Great.

Peter the Great (9 June [O.S. 30 May] 1672 – 8 February [O.S. 28 January] 1725) was czar of Russia from 1682 to 1725, when he died of laughter upon hearing the first ever two cows joke. Peter the Great is best remembered for modernizing and Europeanizing Russia, with the introduction of techno music, beer, clogs, Open BSD and box-shaped automobiles.

He had a moustache and was very tall. Peter hated men with beards and women who didn't shave in the Western fashion. People who dared to displease him were stuffed inside empty vodka bottles and catapulted out to sea. This was called progress and got Peter invites to expensive boating holidays in the Netherlands and England.

edit Early life

Peter the Great was born in Russia, son of Czar Alexis the Beard. His father had fallen for the muscular charms of Natalya Kirillovna Naryshkina as she was pulling a tractor with her teeth. Alexis married her and their son Peter born soon after. He took after his mother rather than his small father. Peter wasn't the heir, he had two elder brothers Feodor and Ivan in front of him. Feodor was weak in the bladder and preferred to stay seated whilst Ivan was suspect in the head. The young Peter preferred playing outdoors with his companions. Even then he was known for cruelty, making people who displeased him dance as burning hot coals were thrown at their feet. In 1676 Peter's father died and Feodor became Czar. If Feodor had been immobile as an heir apparent, he became positively catatonic for the next six years as Czar. His courtiers only noticed he had died when Feodor began to smell very bad.

On his Feodor's death, Peter's mother Natalya and her family tried to have Ivan barred for being a danger to everyone and himself. Though Peter was only 10, he was already taller than anyone else East of the Vistula. But Ivan's sister Sophie engineered a rebellion of the Strepsils, the Czar's own guard. Peter saw two of his uncles Pokemon and Sonikovsky hacked to bits and the body parts turned into playing cards. Peter remained Czar but now shared his authority with Ivan V 'Wobbily' Knees and Sophie. She really ruled Russia, sitting on a small stool behind the throne and working her brothers like full scale glove puppets.

edit Abroad

Peter had retained his interest in all things new but was constrained by his sister and mother to stay in Russia. Worse was to follow, Peter was obliged to marry Eudoxia Lopukhina, a Russian princess. Peter loathed the union down to his loins but dutifully fathered an heir who was named Alexei. The next day Peter walked out and announced he was going on an extended drinking tour of Europe. Only his boozing cronies would go with him, no wives allowed.

The Russians made for the Netherlands where Peter's passion for all things naval extended also to riotous drinking parties and mad dash races around the canals in souped up barges. Then when the Dutch government presented Peter with a bill for damages, he and his friends absconded to London.

Once again, under the guise of learning 'the ropes' about ship building, Peter was drinking all the taverns of Deptford and Greenwich dry. Since Peter was now the size of a barn door, few people wanted to chuck the Russian on the street. It was also in London that Peter was introduced to the wheelbarrow. Peter was so impressed with this technology, he organised wheelbarrow races between the Russians and the English, losers ending up being tipped into the River Thames. In the end King William III gave Peter some money to go and had his passport stamped 'Indefinitely Barred'. Since Peter couldn't read English, he thought it was a compliment.

Criss-crossing Germany and breaking up places that refused to serve him vodka, Peter's foreign trip was curtailed when he received news his brother Ivan had died. Since Peter's muscular mother had also died a little earlier, this meant Princess Sophie was now scheming to return to power again, perhaps via his own son Alexei and his estranged wife Eudoxia.

edit Not so modern after all

Peter returned home in a bad mood. Seeing his fellow Russians still wearing clothes that were once fashionable in the Byzantine Empire 300 years earlier, Peter saw that he had a huge task to change things. But first, some good old fashioned Ivan the Terrible style retribution would be a good start.

Sophie stayed in her nunnery but Peter took his anger out on Russia's elite protection squad the Strepsils. The lucky ones died in the fire fights, those who were captured were hung, broken on a wheel, impaled and tortured in Red Square for the next month. There was always a good crowd, though the offer of free vodka kept up attendance. Peter also took the opportunity to officially divorce Eudoxia and had her dumped in the same nunnery as Sophie. Peter would home school his own son Alexei. Now Peter was ready to take on his greatest internal enemy. Blokes with facial fungus.

edit The Beard Policy

However, Peter's most controversial reform was the eliminating of beards from the faces of Russian men, which would cause controversy for the next several hundred years, and some noted historians have in fact suggested that this was the reason ultra masculine Swedes invaded Russia in the first place. Soviet historians have denied that the great beard ban ever happened, but recently controversial non-bearded persons, such as Vladimir Putinhave allowed the release of the documented history of the Russian beard ban, knowledge of which is now gaining velocity.

In fact, some historians have gone so far as to suggest that the beard ban was, in fact, one of the main causes of the Russian revolution, and that had Czar Nicholas had a longer beard the crowds might have held off their revolution a little. Although beards were not banned in 1917, most middle or lower class Russians agreed that they were uselessly short.

The great controversy of the Soviet Union, also known as the great beard union, of course, is that beards became in fact SHORTER and Stalin twisted his bearded policy to an ultra conservative MOUSTACHED policy, which some Russians would argue was worse than the short beards sported by pre-Soviet Russians.

edit Reign

Peter the Great began a rapid military expansion of the Russian Empire. Following the bloody annexation of Loompaland, Peter went to war against Sweden (this part is factual: the Russians actually needed two tries to defeat the Swedes -- a neutral country, mind you) and somehow managed to lose, due to a missing screw from his IKEA flatpack army. In response Peter attempted to invent the atomic bomb, but instead ended up inventing a hilarious new version of the old snake in a peanut can gag. Oddly, facing down his Swedish adversary, Charles XII, with the spring-loaded snake, Peter caused the Swedes to fall over the laughing. The Swedes were then summarily executed.

Soon, the peasant began to act snarky and called him Peter the Great as an insult.

Peter ordered a massive pogrom and soon all of his failures were blamed on the Jews and the black folks and gays in Russia. The pogroms were memorialized in the Toby Keith song, "Throw the Jew Down the Well".

edit Death

Peter eventually commissioned the building of the world's first ever two cows joke. The joke took sixteen months to build and claimed the lives of 150 laborers.

It was delivered to Peter on April 20, 1696.

It went as follows:

You have two cows. Peter the Great decides to milk them. Now your cows are dead, your country is ruined and your wife has left you.

Peter immediately fell over in hysterics and never recovered. After sixty three hours of laughing, doctors applied leaches to try to suck the bad sense of humors out of Peter. The effort most likely contributed to his death a day later.

Peter the Great was buried in a grave overlooking the largest cattle farm in Russia. His memorial was destroyed by the Nazis during the first Battle of Leningrad.

edit Peter the Not so Great as Catherine but Still Alright

Peter the Not so Great as Catherine but Still Alright was a cousin to Peter the Great who is responsible for introducing Islam to the Russian province of Chechnya. He never modernized a damned thing which is how he got his name. In the Russian Orthodox church, he is canonized as the patron saint of sex toys and quality prophylactics.

Important information

1. His fave song was : I'm on a Boat (He liked boats)
2. He was a rave master: he invented russian drinking, which is just like Irish drinking, except you don't laugh at Russians unless you want a rod of uranium shoved down your throat
3. He liked to cosplay as captain hook
4. His arch nemesis was Megamind. No, no, I'm not kidding.
5. He liked to play war: would get his childhood friends together and have them fight each other with real guns and everything. Clearly Russia is not in dire need of a good psychologist.
6. Peter was God's greatest gift to the world. The proof is that his son wasn't. To picture his son, Emperor Party Pooperus Wet Blanketus The Mistake, imagine that one kid in the back of every class who is whiter than the super vegetarian paper he eats for breakfast, wears eyeliner, weighs 90 pounds, and finds another reason why life sucks every 5 minutes. Yeah, clearly God used all of his awesome on Peter and The Yes Dance.

edit See also

• Peters of the world
• King Jeremy the Wicked