Peter the Great

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“I've got nothing here, man. Somebody help me out.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Peter the Great

“HE'S GRRRRRREAT!!!”

~ Tony the Tiger on Peter the Great

“Alright Russia, let's mess up all our icons and change our music to opera!”

~ Peter the Great on Church Stuff

Peter the Great was czar of Russia from 1682 to 1696, when he died of laughter upon hearing the first ever two cows joke. Peter the Great is best remembered for modernizing and Europeanizing Russia, with the introduction of techno music, beer, clogs, Open BSD and box-shaped automobiles.

[edit] Early Life

Peter the Great was born in 1680 in what is now known as St. Petersburg (then known as Petersdadsburg) to Peggy the OK and Jack the Relatively Successful.

Early in childhood, Peter displayed a high aptitude for learning. By the age of eight, he had mastered C++ programming, and had done his first kernel hack of Linux.

Peter would later abandon programming in the pursuit of young girls. This led to a nasty incident while at a boarding school in the Netherlands, where Peter accidentally broke a girl's neck while punching her in the back of the head.

Peter the Great is now known as the inventor of the Donkey Punch.

Singled out from a young age as a talented drinker and womaniser, Peter spent many nights with Charles the 12th and Augustus the fertile in conceiving over 4,000 children. Each. The bastard children formed themselves into a group- "The Red Army", apparently named after their fathers over-worked manhoods

[edit] Rise to Power

Peter realized that if his father remained alive, he would never become czar. So, he devised a plan to overthrow his father. It went like so:

-Buy pair of shoes. -Place one shoe on a cat. -Place the other shoe on a piece of buttered toast. -Assume power of the monarch.

This proved to be a crude, non-working version of the vaunted Cat-Toast Device that would later provide the world with Uncyclopedia and manned space flight.

The failure of the original Cat-Toast Device forced Peter to reconsider ways of rising to power. He decided instead to use an infomercial to convince all of Russia to rise against his father. Hijinks ensued, but still no crown for Peter. Frustrated, Peter decided to try a chain letter scheme. This later turned into selling Amway and CutCo knives.

After years of failure, Peter finally approached his father. His father offered to wrestle him for the crown, but Peter was a skinny little bitch and went down in defeat repeatedly. At last, his father fell over and died of a broken heart, having realized his boy was a total pussy.

[edit] Reign

Peter the Great began a rapid military expansion of the Russian Empire. Following the bloody annexation of Loompaland, Peter went to war against Sweden (this part is factual: the Russians actually needed two tries to defeat the Swedes -- a neutral country, mind you) and somehow managed to lose, due to a missing screw from his IKEA flatpack army. In response Peter attempted to invent the atomic bomb, but instead ended up inventing a hilarious new version of the old snake in a peanut can gag. Oddly, facing down his Swedish adversary, Charles XII, with the spring-loaded snake, Peter caused the Swedes to fall over the laughing. The Swedes were then summarily executed.

Soon, the peasant began to act snarky and called him Peter the Great as an insult.

Peter ordered a massive pogrom and soon all of his failures were blamed on the Jews and the black folks and gays in Russia. The pogroms were memorialized in the Toby Keith song, "Throw the Jew Down the Well".

[edit] Death

Peter eventually commissioned the building of the world's first ever two cows joke. The joke took sixteen months to build and claimed the lives of 150 laborers.

It was delivered to Peter on April 20, 1696.

It went as follows:

"You have two cows. Peter the Great decideds to milk them. Now your cows are dead, your country is ruined and your wife has left you."

Peter immediately fell over in hysterics and never recivered. After sixty three hours of laughing, docotors applied leaches to try to suck the bad sense of humors out of Peter. The effort most likely contributed to his death a day later.

Peter the Great was buried in a grave overlooking the largest cattle farm in Russia. His memorial was destroyed by the Nazis during the first Battle of Leningrad.

[edit] Peter the Not so Great as Catherine but Still Alright

Peter the Not so Great as Catherine but Still Alright was a cousin to Peter the Great who is responsible for introducing Islam to the Russian province of Chechnya. He never modernized a damned thing which is how he got his name. In the Russian Orthodox church, he is canonized as the patron saint of sex toys and quality prophylactics.