Peter Tork

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Peter Tork.

Peter Tork (born 13 February 1942) is an American musician and actor, best known as a retarded member of The Monkees sadly enough.

edit Early years

Bragadork

No, this is not Peter Tork. He's even dorkier than this!

Peter Tork

This is Peter Tork! I told you he was a dork!

Peter Tork was born February 13, 1942 in Belfast, Ireland. His father Henry Boogerbard Tork was a potato farmer and a male prostitute, his mother Felicia Snerdnurgler Tork was a hairstylist and exotic dancer. The Tork family moved to the United States in 1946 and settled in Washington, D.C..

Tork attended several elementary schools, being suspended or expelled from each for minor infractions (eating boogers, setting other children on fire, throwing knives at teachers). Tork graduated from high school at the age of 20 and attended Vassar, dressed as a woman during his entire four semesters at the women's college. During this time, Tork realized that he might be a lesbian, due to the vast amount of sexual relationships he had during his time at Vassar.

Tork studied several musical instruments during his youth including the kazoo, juice harp, empty moonshine jug and the water bong. In 1955, he was first-chair kazoo player in the Washington Demented Youth Band, winning the grand prize of $40.00 and a trip to a massage parlor with an option for a happy ending. Tork reportedly spent his prize money on marijuana and Hershey bars. He sold his massage parlor coupon to a group of rabbis who then "sold the coupon and made $500.00", and used the funds to take a GayHound bus to Los Angeles.

In Los Angeles, Tork became a fixture on the burgeoning folk music scene and in the men's bathroom at the local YMCA. Playing banjo and singing, Tork delighted upwards of a dozen patrons of such clubs as The Flaming Folkie, The Gay-Ass Folk Club, The Snoodling Troubadour, and The Great Los Angeles Senior Center. Tork had a solid canon of original material that he sang in these clubs. A partial list of his originals:

  • Please Lick The Ice Cream Off My Denim Shirt
  • Itchy Ball-Sac Blues
  • My Bonnie Lies Under The Bed
  • Yo, Ho, Ho, And A Bottle Of Come
  • Michael Rowed A Boat Into The Septic Lagoon
  • Monkey See, Monkey Do
  • Dirty Rooster Balls on a Rainy Day

edit The Monkees

In mid-1965, Tork was reading a local trade paper that he found in the trashcan next to The Flaming Folkie, and spotted an advertisement for a pilot television show (Tork thought he would play a pilot). The ad required those auditioning to have limited musical talent, a mole on his face that looked like a rat turd, bad teeth, and no experience with acting. Tork, who had just consumed half a tuna sandwich he'd found in the same trashcan, decided to audition for the show. Tork passed the first round of auditions easily, 'wowing' the producers of the show by singing several of his original pieces, as well as urinating in a waste basket next to one of the producer's desks and then flipping him a quarter and telling him to "Fuck Off". Tork was offered the job three days after the audition due to a lack of interest by people of real talent and was required to report to "The Monkees Boot Camp". Tork learned valuable skills such as how to climb the bars of a cage, sling his feces at others, and mime to third-rate music.

In early 1966, "Monkee Boot Camp" got underway. There, Tork met his fellow soon-to-be-rock-legends Mike Nesmith (born Michael Andrea Concita Gonzales Del Rocha Nesmith), Micky Dolenz (born Boy George Michael Stipe Dolenz), and Davy Jones (Born David Samuel Feinberg III). During the "Monkee Boot Camp", which lasted six weeks in the summer of 1966, the fledgling Monkees learned comedic improvisation, basic acting skills, Chinese cooking, and miming to pre-recorded musical tracks. Tork delighted his fellow Monkees by defecating in a pot of beef stew that the catering department served for lunch.

edit THE MONKEES TELEVISION SHOW TAKES OFF!

Filming of the television pilot began in late summer 1966. Titled 'Davy Jones Has An Erection For Any Woman Taller Than He Is", the show went over very well with network affiliates and was picked up for the 1966/1967 season. The first episode dealt with Davy's inability to remain flaccid when faced with the prospect of speaking to an attractive woman taller than him (Davy Jones stood 5'3"). The Monkees charmed the network affiliate reps by singing a few songs, reading some romantic poetry, and giving each other rubdowns with mustard.

The Monkees were an automatic smash, with the show reaching 89 out of 100 shows on view that week. The first record, "Last Train To Fartsville", reached #1 on the Hot 100 charts, largely due to envelopes of cash given to disk jockeys across the United States. Due to the smash success of the first single, a full album was commissioned. Released in September 1966, the first lp includes a number of outstanding Monkees tracks:

  • Theme To The Monkees (Hey, We Are Not Gay)
  • Last Train To Fartsville
  • Poopa Jean's Blues
  • I'm Not Your Toilet Seat
  • I Want To Eat Meat
  • What's Your Sign, Baby?
  • This Bong Is Cashed
  • A Little Bit Pee, A Little Bit Poop
  • Your Auntie Smells-A
  • Look Out Here Comes The Police Car
  • She's Only Fourteen, So We Have To Get An Abortion
  • I Left My Heart In San Francisco
  • Hairy Mary

The Monkees, especially Peter Tork and Mike Nesmith, were not pleased with the way that Monkees music was being produced. Tork and Nesmith went on a hunger strike to force the producers to allow The Monkees to create their own, as they put it at the time, "Groovy-ass freaked-out sounds". During a break in the filming of the second season's worth of shows, The Monkees entered RCA studios with noted record producer Douglas Fartling Hatekids (formerly of the rock band The Turdles) and recorded their first masterpiece, "Headgivers". Hatekids agreed to produce the project after Tork promised he'd give Hatekids $12,456.56 and a half-gallon of chocolate ice cream.

The "Headgivers" sessions did not run smoothly. Apart from Tork's obvious skill on kazoo, toy xylophone, tambourine, comb-and-paper, and electric banjo, and Nesmith's working knowledge of three chords on guitar, The Monkees did not possess much musical talent. Micky Dolenz had never played drums prior to these sessions and spent hours each day hitting each drum and cymbal repeatedly. Davy Jones was handed a tambourine and told to "bang the shit out of it", which he did with great aplomb. "Headgivers" was finished in six weeks and was released in June 1967, where it shot straight to #1, only to be replaced in that position by bands who had talent and released great records.

Tork and company finished out 1967 by touring the United States and Europe to the delight of millions of underaged girls, some of whom were impregnated by Tork. As of early 2007, Tork has been sued 1,478 times for child support payments stemming from his years of touring.

The Monkees television show was cancelled in early 1968, much to the delight of millions of television viewers. Tork and the rest of the band undertook the feature film "Head", which initially was going to be an X-rated epic detailing the typical day of The Monkees in their bedrooms. Producers of the film were not pleased with the first draft of the film and asked The Monkees to throw together as much nonsense as they possibly could on film. During the filming of the second installation of "Head", Tork delighted his fellow Monkees by farting loudly in front of a group of senior citizens, vomiting on a gofer who was shining Tork's shoes, and generally showing up stoned each day of filming. The film was released in late 1968 and was roundly ignored by everyone.

edit Post-Monkees Career

Tork quit The Monkees in late 1968, citing reasons such as "I am too groovy for this" and "Freak out, man...look at the waves!". By early 1969, Tork had spent every dime of his Monkees money and had to take odd jobs such as chicken-plucker, clerk at 7-11 and janitor to make ends meet. Tork also taught school in the late 1970s, but was fired when he exposed himself to his class during a study of male anatomy. Tork was unable to pay his rent and lived on a park bench in Los Angeles. Hearing of his plight, Mike Nesmith offered Tork $20 for a handjob. After Nesmith ejaculated, he informed Tork that he (Nesmith) only had $13. Tork was disappointed, but took the money. Nesmith later revealed that he (Nesmith) actually had hundreds of dollars on him that day.

During this time of musical inactivity, Tork became addicted to sleeping pills, Flintstones vitamins, and Royal Crown soda, spending upwards of $26 per day on these vices. By the early 1980s, Tork had put these addictions to rest for healthier pleasures such as cocaine and booze.

Tork reunited with The Monkees in 1986 after being promised $3,000 and a package of Kit-Kat candy. During the tour, Tork took up the hobby of rimming various members of the audience and his road crew. Tork later attributed this disgusting habit as the main cause of his bout with tongue cancer. As of 2010, Tork now traded his rimming habit for poking his fingers in the anus of a Chinese boy he adopted in 2008.

edit Return Of The Monkees

Peter Micky Davy

“Adios to the Manchester cowboy.”
~ Peter Tork on Davy Jones' death

By 1986, three of the four Monkees were living in obscurity and poverty and were thrilled to be offered the chance to sing and play again. Tork willingly signed on to The Monkees reunion. The group spent 1986-1988 touring the world, re-releasing all of their studio records, and generally boring the hell out of anyone who had any idea what music should sound like. Tork used his money for very causes, such as supporting several cocaine dealers and making sure that Absolut stayed in business. To this day, Tork tours the world, singing off-key and playing his electric banjo.

edit Selected Discography

  • Last Train To Fartsville
  • I'm Not Your Toilet Seat
  • Fart, Fart, Fart
  • Where Is My Bag Of Doobies?
  • Dirty Hippie Girl (You Stole My Heart)
  • Cha-Cha-Cha
  • Do I Have To Go To Prison?
  • You're Only 14? Let's Bang!!!
  • I Love Meatless Burgers

"Spread Your Cheeks!" (solo album) "Let Me Finger Your Anus" (solo album) "Artists Against Anal Tongue-Fucking" (solo album)

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