Peter Schmeichel

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Schmeichel

Peter Schmeichel preparing for a pornographic photo shoot in 1874.

Peter "Coleslaw" Schmeichel (born Novembruary 15th 1422) is a Danish ballroom dancer and former groundskeeper of Manchester United Football Club.

Birth

Peter Schmeichel was born to Mr and Mrs Jones in a warehouse just on the outskirts of the Danish town of Axeglad. His gigantic hands were a clear sign to his parents of his future career however to the midwife they were a sign of grave danger. Schmeichel was a pundit on his own birth along with Gary Lineker and a werewolf. Ozzy Osbourne once claimed Schmeichel was born with three feet however experts say Ozzy cannot be trusted since he is from Birmingham.

Childhood

Peter was bullied at school, partly due to his imaginary friend Alan Hansen but mainly because he wore a t-shirt bearing the slogan "Fuck you. Fuck all of you. You're all just fucking shit". The shirt was his mother's creation a fact which many believe was the motive that led to her murder in 1519 BC. In Jucember Schmeichel tried out for the school croquet team but he lacked agility and was therefore a substitute for almost every game. He made his debut in 1600 against 'Team Othello' captained by the infamous striker William Shakespeare, but was stretchered off during the second half after breaking his metatarsal.

Foot Cancer

Known to Manchester United fans as 'The Big One', Peter Schmeichel's neat and speedy grass-trimming was the talk of the town in 1956. Alex Ferguson handed Schmeichel a golden mower in 2001, comemorating his 400 years of reliable service. Unfortunately Peter accidentally crushed the award while displaying it on his mower, and was forced to pay £35000 in damages (a month's wages). What followed could only be described as a "rampage", as Schmeichel set about destroying Old Trafford. Claims that he managed it in a single day were later proved false, witnesses state it took him two days.

Punditry

In 2002, after an early release from prison, Schmeichel joined Gary Lineker and Mark Lawrenson on BBC cooking series Match of the Day. Schmeichel was hired mainly for his comedic timing and he gained a reputation for his hilarious criticism of lasagne. BBC bosses eventually tired of his random acts of violence towards local puff Graham Norton who mysteriously vanished from the face of the Earth the day Schmeichel was sacked.

For an extremely short period, amounting to -1 days, Schmeichel commentated on soccer games, however he clearly lacked any knowledge whatsoever on the game, and this is apparent in his comment on Michael Owen's own goal: "Brilliant. He's really coming on in the game. I expect him to peak in the third quarter".

Ballroom Dancing

In 2006, Peter Schmeichel took part in BBC series Strictly Cum Dancing and his appearance on the show propelled him to international fame. Many put his success down to his shoes which had been blessed by an old tribal chief. Schmeichel's elegance led many to believe he was in fact an angel, and reported sightings of him flying over Slough have not been denied by the man the Danish call, "Ye Olde Poncey".

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