Peter North

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[[Image:Peter_Horse.jpg|right|thumb|350px|Peter North in his historically acclaimed centaur form. This ancient portrait has been widely studied by generations of art historians for the past three years. The primal concern steming from the forth leg of the centaur: whether it is mearly a leg or an existential innuendo.]]
 
[[Image:Peter_Horse.jpg|right|thumb|350px|Peter North in his historically acclaimed centaur form. This ancient portrait has been widely studied by generations of art historians for the past three years. The primal concern steming from the forth leg of the centaur: whether it is mearly a leg or an existential innuendo.]]
   

Revision as of 06:19, December 28, 2012

Peter Horse
Peter North in his historically acclaimed centaur form. This ancient portrait has been widely studied by generations of art historians for the past three years. The primal concern steming from the forth leg of the centaur: whether it is mearly a leg or an existential innuendo.
“I'm going to come!”
~ Peter North on cute female faces
“I'm going to come!”
~ Peter North on being invited to his family reunion
“I'm going to C.O.M.E.!”
~ Peter North on attending the Conference Of Male Entertainers

Peter North (Porn Star + Norse god of Virility, aka Michael Buffer), born 985 BC, is an armless, ten foot tall goliath of Arctic origin who resides in the tundric wastelands of Nova Scotia, Canada. He has worked extensively as a legitimate actor, being nominated for several Oscars over the years. Unfortunately, he continually screws his lines. And then comes in their mouths and faces.

In addition to being a brilliant mathematician, he is popularly known for his role in modern pornography but functions mostly as a cum depository for Warner Brothers when not on screen. Contrary to popular belief, Peter North has never slept with a woman; he just has sex with them and omits the sleeping part.

Biomechanics

PND
North's "pole" in anatomy. We knew Santa had to live somewhere...

Peter North produces human semen at a rate comparable to 3.5 fully grown male elephants. It takes him approximately 36 hours to fully rejuvenate his internal supply in order to prepare for consecutive takes. Contrary to popular belief, his internal supply is in fact limited. Peter North's prolonged services to the porn industry have become indispensable and is often remarked as being an exceptional civil servant.

Peter North is now, in fact, made from curry, mayonnaise, brie, Elmer’s glue, goat milk AND marshmallows.

Name

Peter North is the greatest male porn star name. Technically there's nothing explicit in it; Peter does not mean penis, nor is north up. Yet somehow it just comes across that his cock is hard. Sublime!

Mobility and Advertising

North
The North Face with Peter North endorsement motto.

Because of his name, Peter North will under no circumstances move in any direction that is not north for fear that the ‘god of monikers' is vengeful and will strike him down with a jizz-bolt and cast him into the forever boiling tub of semen beside Satan’s Jacuzzi.

Because of this, every porn studio Peter performs in has to be lifted and carried a short distance north, sometimes only a few inches, so that Peter can willfully traverse to them without fearing his life. These relocations have caused a lot of attention both from pedestrians and Warner Brothers who secretly own and control all porn production on behalf of the U.S. government in an effort to make the American populous less seditionary.

Endorsements

This encouraged Hollywood producers to ask Peter to endorse The North Face because of his predisposed penchant towards faces and covering them with his ball custard. Apart from his salary, this is a source of secondary funds for Peter. He also owns a few pre-schools, car washes, and abortion clinics.

Faith

Aside from being a porn star and god, Peter is a very religious person and takes his faith seriously. He attends pagan mass everyday, usually after a long day on the job with his coworkers.

Along with his good friend Jenna Jameson, Peter is a member of the Paganist Multicultural Society (PMS) who condone the procreation of children for ritualistic sacrifice as well as conduct barbaques and orgies as reverence to the Norse god Odin; this is done in order to make allowances for their occasional good deeds done to lonely men via free porn accessible on the internet.

Peter also performs baptisms for a marginal fee of 1 metric litre of blood, semen, and fecal matter (combined).

Prince Charles
Peter North about to perform a Norse baptism on Prince Charles following his conversion in 1980.

Knighthood

Peter North was knighted by the Queen of England shortly after his premier role in, God shave the teens, in 1959 following his two year stint in Asstrailia. As a ritual display of affection, Peter ejaculated on the queen almost immediately after receiving his ceremonial vows. This was an unexpected and archaic demonstration of gratitude that hadn’t been performed ceremonially since Tuesday; the queen and her vassals were quite delighted.

Peter then went on a nude-pilgrimage to every country in the world to spread his seed amongst the faithless. On behalf of his religion, Peter established the first clerical mission of Norse significance in the Soviet Union and China following the foundation his famed Young Men's Cum in the ASSociation (YMCA). Over one hundred missions, and or studios, were established in the midst of this great pilgrimage. The journey, which became known as "The Pilgrim's ProgrASS." with a dynamic emphasis on the "ASS" part; serves as a perpetual reminder of escalating human indecency and hedonism. A monumental tablet in the shape of an uncircumcised penis remains at the Jerusalem mission to observe the hardships incurred during the conversions that took place there.

Peter North Veterans List

Bill
Bill Gates after encountering North at a press conference.

Here is a list of humans who have been defiled by Peter North and lived to tell about it:

(9000 more)

Peter North Memorial List

Here is a list of humans who gave their service in the porn industry and died at the hands phallus of Peter North by either drowning, whiplash, asphyxiation, or morbid VD

  • Aaron, Audrey
  • Aaron, Acorn
  • Aaron, Hank
  • Adamari, Lopez (twice)
  • Barty, Billy
  • ...Welch, Raquel (thrice)

(1,953 more)

Filmography

  • Hitler Youth Rumble (Debut - 1940)
  • Deep Throat THIS Little Boy! (1940)
  • Morality in Modesty (1940)
  • Ass Invaders from Pluto (1941)
  • Assablanca (1941)
  • Grapes of Ass (1942)
  • Some like it in the ASS! (1945)
  • Spermset Blvd. (1949)
  • Anal BLASTphamey (1950)
  • Anal INdecency (1951)
  • Anal HEResy (1952)
  • Anal FACEoff(1953)
  • The Sperminator, I, II and III (1954)
  • Sperms of Endearment (1955)
  • A Dollar Full of Fisting (1956)
  • Anal Fist of the North-Star (1969)
  • You Might Drown (1962)

(3,521 more)

Slimed
Organic Peter North spizzle. Notice that the female enjoys it but the male seems naturally indifferent. Courtesy of CBS, 2006

Notable Quotes

- Don’t have oral sex with a woman if her vagina smells like a dumpster; that’s how I lost both my arms.

- I have no regrets about performing in gay porn; I needed the money and it was my only option. Gay porn… yeah…

- Use ribbed condoms for anal-sex. Better traction in the mud!

- I get this question all the time, “Hey Peter! How come you’re not in centaur form?” For Odin’s sakes!! I only morph into a centaur when I’m at least decently aroused by another human being or animal.

- I refuse to travel South, East or Kanye West.

- My secret? I drink dishwashing liquid every morning instead of coffee. Remember, I'm a God. In normal humans it would probably cause death.

Useless Trivia

  • Peter North makes the snow for skiing.
  • Peter North was the original choice to play Spiderman because of his natural web-shooting powers.
  • Peter North refuses to travel South, East or Kanye West.
  • Peter North is the white half-brother of Kanye West although Peter claims the reverse from the waste-down.
  • Peter North provides the “slime” for the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards.
  • Peter North's ejaculant travels at higher speeds than the Saturn V rocket.
  • Peter North was one of the first graduates from the University of Antarctica
  • Peter North has been known to sign autographs in semen using his full proper name, Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger North.
  • Peter North can play chess one-handed.
  • Peter North signs his contracts 11 years before they're shot because he wants to polish up on his acting skills.
  • Peter North is active in the white power movement.
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