Peter Mandelson

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Mandelson here demonstrating how he'd like to open his boyfriend's third runway.

“Oh Shit it's back”

~ Everyone on Mandelson

“Who made him a Lord? The Sith?”

~ Frankie Boyle on Mandelson

HRH Dark Gay Lord Baron Darth Peter Benjamin Geraldine Mandelson of Penistone of the Privy Council, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Leader of the Labour Party, King of Great Britain, Prince of Darkness, Master of Puppets, A Man after Thatchers Heart, Kicker of Puppies, Tickler of Balls, is a British politician whose incredible ability to laugh in the face of 'allegations' of sleaze has allowed him to inhabit the higher tier of the political class for well over 10 years. He is the current Secretary of State for Sausage Rolls, President of the Board of Sex Trade and Lord President of the Sith Council. He is also the only British Leader who has successfully built his own death star, finally winning the arms race against Thatcher.

[edit] How was He Created?

Mandelson's true form seeping through his human bodysuit after having been punched in one of his 12 stomaches. He then devoured the attacker before making his way to a parliamentary subcommittee.

Lord Mandelson was created following an accidental leakage of weapons grade Teflon and the Porn Gate Facility in Redditch. 'Mandy' arose when the weapons grade Teflon mixed with the semen of a discarded Phoenix. Mandy was born to the Virgin (no man would go near to her) Harriet Harperson. Seconds after birth Mandy was hailed by the Labour Party as the new messiah. Mandelson was initially kept away from society within the institution, as a result of this isolation Mandelson took an attraction to Men and their genitals. This “interest” did not sit well with the Scargillite element of the party. However, Mandelson excelled in Sleaze Dodging Studies and was awarded with a 1st class dishonours in Political Manipulation and Skullduggery at the Machiavelli College London. He successfully out manoeuvred the party’s old guard and along with his allies Blair and Brown ascended to power in 1997.

[edit] The Sleaze Files

[edit] First Resignation / whipping

In December 1998, it was revealed that Mandelson had diverted 75% of the UK GDP for that year for the construction of his own personal Death star. The Mandinator’s creators were incensed by this and sent him back to the political correctness division of the Institute where he spent 10 months being politically corrected to absolutely not get involved in any un ethical dealings whatsoever. After reassuring the director of the institute that he would absolutely not get involved in any sleaze, he was re-admitted to the cabinet as the Secretary of State for Northern Ireland. Mandelson was unhappy with his new “menial” position and decided that Britain would assume control of Ireland and announced that he was the Secretary of State for Ireland - the rest of the government disagreed with this and Mandelson just pretended that he never said it – a practice that Hillary Clinton and Hazel Blears (Chip Munck of Death) have recently made their own re branding it "I Mis-spoke".

The Death Star itself houses 40,000 bedrooms, a range of go-go bars and a full reconstruction of Hampstead Heath to satiate Mandelson’s dual hobbies of go-go dancing and dogging. An entire deck was designed for the generation and dissemination of press and public manipulation. Christened the “Alistair Campbell Suite”, it is affectionately known in Westminster as “the Poop Deck”. It also houses a Michelin-starred exclusive restaurant called “The Fat Bastard” and a trendy gay nightclub called “The Chocolate Star Chamber”. The Death Star also carries a death ray so powerful it can purportedly cook a frozen ready-meal in nearly four minutes.

[edit] 2nd Resignation / whipping + joining EU + Back To Cabinet

Then in 2001 Mandy had to step down again after requesting that home office “sort out” his Indian businessman friend who was also the sponsor of the faith zone within one of his other great ideas – The Millennium Dome. Amazingly Mandelson got away with this – the mud didn’t stick to the Teflon armoured suit. He was moved sideways to the EU where t’ Labour Party thought his liberal attitudes towards sleaze would find a more accepting home. Mandelson jumped straight into the deep end of the sleaze pool when he spent New Year’s eve on the Yacht of the co founder of Microsoft– it’s worth mentioning that Microsoft was at the centre of a major European investigation – although nothing arose ( was Mandy up to his tricks here? Who knows?).

In 2008 shortly after Gordon Brown’s shameless begging for the “Prince of Darkness” to come to his aid – George Osborne who had been at a yacht party with Mandelson and a Russian Aluminium tycoon (Guess who was in charge of setting the import tariffs on Russian Aluminium at the time? It was.....Mandy!) Made the mistake of telling the media of a senior Labour figure who “dripped poison” regarding the supreme leader Gaudy Brown. What an elementary mistake little Osborne made. Osborne forgot that he was dealing with a politician constructed from weapons grade Teflon – Mandelson mounted a slanderous stance stating that Osborne had tried to get the wealthy oligarch to donate to the conservative party through the LDV van company and made a complete fool of Osborne .

[edit] Personal Life

As previously mentioned Mandy has shown considerable interest in men and has regularly dropped the soap whilst in No. 10’s shower room when he was working closely with his former lover Tony Blair. Since then Mandy has had a relationship with his BF Reinaldo. A former Mandelson bum boy who was, at the time of Mandelson’s public outing, the BBC’s director general issued a ban on the discussion of Mandy’s “preference” for the male posterior. However, national heroes Ian Hislop and Paul Merton used their high intellect to discuss the 'Prince of Darkness' preferences through a cunning construction of sentence relating to Mandelson being a 'homo...wner'.

He regularly writes a political column for the Gay Times.