Hi! My name is Peter Dinklage and I am so excited to finally be in an encyclopedia! My daddy and mommy said that I would be big and famous one day and I finally am! I am nine and three-quarters years old and go to Morristown Elementary School in New Jersey, but that isn't what is important about me. What is really important is that I am FAMOUS! I am an actor! I have been in tons of films and even though I am still one of the smallest kids in my grade I am much more famous than stupid Jordan Prentice will ever be so he can eat a wiener. He may be tall now, but I'll show him when I am big AND famous! Oh wait, I already am!!!
I have a really great life! My mommy says that she has never met anyone so cool and confident in her life, and I get straight E's in all my classes (the E stands for excellent). Some kids at school can be really mean sometimes though, since they call me mean names like "Stinky Dinkly" and "Dinkly Dinkly Two-Inch Winkly" and "Freakoid Beardface." But all my teachers think I'm cool and tell me that if any kid tries to give me trouble that they're just jealous.
One kid's name is Jordan Prentice and he is definitely the most jealous one of them all! He told me that he wished it was him starring in The Station Agent instead of me since he was such a better actor, but I knew he was lying! I saw him in In Bruges and Colin Farrell totally outacted him. Jordan can't act his way out of a box! If he ever got caught in a box and had to act his way out, he'd definitely die instead.
My parents are the best! They love me very much and they show it by spending my movie money in really useful ways. When I'm making a movie they make sure we stay at the nicest hotels and pack me lunch in a jewel-covered bag to bring to the set so I don't get hungry. But last year I told them that the caviar they give me isn't very filling and I would rather just have Lunchables and they listened to me! Now they can have all the caviar to themselves while I get the delicious mini ham sandwiches all to myself.
We like to go suit shopping together a lot, too. They bought me a stylish Armani suit for the spring and the North Face that I really wanted for the winter. I asked mommy why she had to wear her fur coat all year even when it got hot and she told me she had to keep up her appearance for her new movie star friends. "So then why do you need ten more?" I asked, and she told me I just answered my own question. Parents can be so confusing sometimes!
My mommy tells me I should love my beard because it makes me different but I don't like it! All the kids at school make fun of me and call me "beardface" and "facebeard" but it's not my fault. The doctor inscribed me with a disease called phacebeardosis that makes me grow a beard, it is so unfair! I cant even shave yet, but when I grow up I will show that beard who's boss! Take that, facial hair!
My daddy told me that I should be proud of my beard, too. He said most boys will look like a pedophile or a beaner or Hitler for their whole lives but I already look like Evil Spock, so I should be happy. I didn't know what any of those other things are but I thought "Wow! I look like evil!"
At least I'm not bald
One time me and my friends were playing Scattergories when my buddy Verne started making fun of me because of my beard. I think he was just mad because I was winning, so I told him "At least I'm not bald!" which is true! Verne didn't like that and started crying and had to go home. Mommy later told me not to make fun of Verne's baldness and something about "keemotherapee" and I started to feel bad. She wanted me to apologize to him but he never showed up to school on Monday, and I haven't seen him since. Isn't that funny?
Everyone says it's really tough being a child actor but I think it's just great! Everyone wants me to play different things in their movies. I've done everything from playing a dwarf (which is like a small man who holds a big sword) to a midget (which is like a dwarf without a sword). I'm so good at acting that I don't even get cast in roles meant for kids! How about that, Jordan Prentice? Who's the big guy now? I bet you don't even know what a midget is, you're only a dumb eight year old.
Elf was probably my favorite movie to be in because I get to beat Will Farrell up! Punching people is awesome! After we were done filming my scene, Will Farrell ruffled my hair and took me to a big dinner. "You did a great job, champ," he said, then he whispered in my ear "I have a few more surprises waiting for you at the hotel room." Score! I bet Jordan never had Colin Farrell say that to him, and Will is so much better than his brother anyway.
Me and Will went back to our hotel and there sure were a lot of girls there. I didn't know what to do because I didn't really talk to girls, I thought they were kind of weird! Will said not to worry and gave me something that looked like a Flintstones vitamin, and I can't remember anything else from that night but I woke up with a really big headache the next morning and I wasn't wearing my superman underwear anymore! There was this girl sleeping next to me, but I couldn't ask her if she had it because I kept shaking her and she just wouldn't wake up. She must have been very sleepy. I went down to the hotel lobby to ask the guys at the desk if they have a lost and found, but as soon as they saw me they called security and said something about finally catching the man who defenestrated in the pool! I never got my underwear back and I still miss it sometimes.
Death at a Funeral
A bunch of people over in England loved how I did in Elf (even though they call Santa Claus "Father Christmas") so they called me up to hire me for this other movie called Death at a Funeral. My friend Warwick got mad that he didn't get the job because he used to live and act in England when he was a baby and was in the Star Wars movies. But then I told him "Oh yeah, well you were just an Ewok! I can act like a real person, too!" and that really made him shut up!
The English people wanted me to play a kid who was secret best friends with this dead old guy. I asked them why I had to keep our friendship a secret and they asked me if I thought it would be weird if I was best friends with someone's grandpa. "Of course!" I said, so I acted it with my best acting. They liked it so much that they decided to make the movie again, except the second time everybody was black.
The other Death at a Funeral
The second time we made the movie was much different. My parents went with me to England for the first movie and made sure they were at the set every day to pick up my paycheck, but the second time they didn't pay so much attention. They told me to be really careful around the cast and crew but they were really friendly to me, especially Martin Lawrence. He took me out with him and Danny Glover one night to get McDonald's and go to a big party. "This sure is the life!" I said to Mr. Glover as I bit into my big mac in his big Ford car, but he said "You haven't seen shit yet, kid!"
Oh my god, he said a curse word! I immediately thought, hands covering my mouth, Danny Glover is so cool. When we reached the party, Danny and Martin got me a cup of really bad apple juice and told me to "hold tight, you be gettin' yours, sho' 'nuff." They came back with my friend Betty from math class! Now I used to think girls were weird, but by now I've become a bit of a smooth operator with the ladies. "What are you doing here?" I asked Betty, but she just told me to shut up and started playing with my wiener, which actually felt pretty cool. Being rich and famous sure has its benefits!
Oops, I lied, this is actually a television show, but I had so much fun doing it I couldn't leave it out! It is a fantasy show about a bunch of people with white hair who get into sword fights. Swords are awesome! The makers of Game of Thrones saw the great job I did playing a dwarf in Prince Caspian (though I did not like that movie as much because they made me wear a bigger, itchier beard than my normal one!) and told me that I should play a dwarf on their show too. So I told them hmmmmmmmm okay, I'll think about it for a second... OF COURSE!
Boy did my decision pay off! Not only do they have the best food on the set but they let me eat everything with my hands, because it's "method acting." But the best part by far is my coworker Emilia Clarke's boobs. I get to see them, like, once a day. Boobs are so awesome, almost as awesome as swords! Bet you're jealous of that too, Jordan! I've seen In Bruges and Emilia Clarke's boobs are so much better than Brendan Gleeson's boobs.
Game of Thrones is still what I am currently acting in right now. The show is getting great reviews and they say it'll go on for years and years! People love my acting so much that they gave me an Emmy and a gold star! I met Will Smith at the ceremony! My parents have already signed the contract for three more seasons. They are so proud of me that they are going to go on a two-month vacation to Japan to celebrate and let me be the man of the house while they're gone. And Jordan Prentice still needs a babysitter. Suck on that!
However, I have a secret for the Game of Thrones makers: I don't want to tell you this, but I am going to grow up soon and you will have to find a new kid to play your dwarf! Look out, puberty, here I come!
- Eating meat is wrong. Killing animals for food is so mean!
- Little Timmy is wrong, I'm not crazy! He's just mad because I didn't let him cheat off me at math last week.