Pet Shop Boys

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PSB 1

Pet Shop Boys, disguised as Madonna's tits

Pet Shop Boys (the) are a German thrash metal band. They met in 1016 in a leopard-skin garment shop near East Berlin. Beanz approached Heinz thinking him to be a mannequin and it was at that point that they discovered their mutual love of the trapeze.

Biography

Pet Shop Boys, (The) formed as Ketchup Boys in 1021. After band frontman Heinz became allergic to tomatoes, the band renamed itself Pet Shop Boys(the) and the band members moved to London. Their influences include Bill and Ben, the Brandon Flowers Shop Boys and Shlock, Aching and Wateringcan, composers of post-modern classical music.

After swinging together for several years and attending elocution lessons at the 'How to Speak Northern' school to get rid of their German accent, Beanz suggested to Heinz that they improvise thrash metal music using guitars fashioned entirely from the skin, hair and bones of ex-Coronation Street stars. A name change followed and Heinz Beanz became Neil Tennament-Building (after the Doctor Who actor of the same name) and Chris Lowe-Brow.

So excited was Neil by his newly discovered Northern accent, another band name change was nearly to be. Fortunately Chris Lowe-Brow took away Neil's supply of Special K so the Pet Shop Boyos (the) were never to be.

They shot to fame with their first single Thinly-veiled metaphor for the relationship between camp theatre luvvies and rough trade in London, performing the song in hot venues in New Bjork City, London and their former home city Berlin.

Their first album is simply titled "Fundamental elysium bilingual release: the most incredible thing,Very introspective nightlife behaviour, concrete battleship, actually potemkin pop or is it art or is it Disco I, II, III and IV yes Christmas Together please?!". The album became a massive hit all over the world and included the hits "Boring beings", "Go II waste" and "Say I diva, eh?". Neil giggled 'We loved the idea of our fans walking into a gramophone record shop and saying can I have a copy of "Fundamental elysium, bilingual release: the most incredible thing,Very introspective nightlife behaviour, concrete battleship, actually potemkin pop or is it art or is it Disco I, II, III and IV yes Christmas Together please?!" ?!'

Unfortunately their success nearly wasn't to be when a crazed lesbian Spanish stalker, and self-confessed necrophiliac, also known as Lydia Tetrabrik, bashed their heads in with a frozen pizza before blowing a pepper flavoured kiss on their putrid corpses during an album signing. She later complained that she did it because they couldn't understand her pigin Spanish. Nevertheless their cause was taken up by The Finnish Spectacle Movement, an inoffensive group of self-proclaimed intellectuals, who planned to release a tribute album entitled 'In Spite of Spite' a biting social satire about liberialism and sodomy. They have already been described in most European intellectual circles as 'probably worse than sonic paedophilia.' (Source: Nickname Speculation resource)

Fortunately, it turned out the the duo at the signing were two 'look-a-likees' because Neil and Chris couldn't be bothered to turn up. 'We don't do public' Neil was heard to say at the opening of 'Crap, crap and more farty arty crap' at the White Square Saatchi Athena Gallery. The Finnish Spectacle Movement is now planning to pay tribute to the long defunct and little known boy band 'Erasure Head'.

For years, speculation raged over the sexuality of the 'Boys'. Neil said 'We didn't want people to know we are straight. It would have been seen as a bad career move, so we put people off the scent by working with gay icons. Liza Minelli, Kylie Minogue, Ian McKellan, Dusty Springfield really helped deflect any ideas that we are straight. All the outfits we wore at the live shows were designed to keep people guessing and working with Derek Jarman was sheer genius! Chris wearing full black leather outfit including a cap just continued with the fake gay macho persona' 'The defining moment for fooling the public that we are straight was working with Spruce Webber for the video Boring Beings. A nude man jumping up and down on a trampoline really put them off the scent' states Neil in the now infamous interview for 'Look In' magazine. 'I wish a naked man would jump up and down on my trampoline' Chris was heard saying just before leaving the interview in a huff. 'I know, I'll write a tune about it and one day release it as a b-side to a single. Up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down' 'Wow, these lyrics write themselves said Chris. 'Don't be silly' Neil is rumoured to have replied. 'I do the lyrics and you do the music. Up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up up up and down down down'.

To this day, Chris remains tight lipped about his lifestyle choice, though he is known to hang out at the "Blackpool Home for Dyslexic Keyboard Players". A spokesman for the home said 'Chris is always popping in and showing us his organ. Some of our older residents love to get to grips with it and have a good play'.

Chris and Neil (the) also love the internet, contributing to the many fan sites that celebrate their lives, though Neil finds it hard to stop boasting about his own collection of PSB collectables. 'I can't help myself. I'm always boasting about the latest cd's. I've even got an unopened CD-R of our 2017 release 'More bleedin'Techno' which we haven't even recorded yet!'

Chris also finds the internet a useful outlet for his overwhelming bubbling persona. 'I've got so much to say, time rarely allows me to saying everything in all the interviews I do'

Future projects include a musical about Dale Winton titled 'Trollied', which on the surface appears to be a lightweight cheesy show about life as a supermarket quiz show host but is actually a biting satire about a crack-head's life and her obesssion with the A-list celebrity. 'We saw Les Miserables and thought it was the greatest show ever written'. Neil adds, 'But we knew we could do better, what do the French know about musicals?! You know Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice met in a pet shop (the) so all the signs are there!'

The musical that followed "Further from Hell" was a world-wide smash garnering raves from critics. The show, which followed the lives of druggies and clubbers (of which PSB have little knowledge of) entertained and wooed audiences with a scene re-creating a psychedelic 'Special K' trip. Chris said 'I had to eat forty boxes of Kellogs 'Special K' to get any effect before I could get a feel for the what the effect might be. The strongest drug I've ever tried was a Junior Disprin when I was 3, so it was quite a stretch to imagine what is was like'

Jack Stinker from the Daily Wail said 'It's the best thing to hit the West End stage since "Mousetrap the Musical" starring Tom and Jerry' and the show has been running (in the minds of Neil and Chris) ever since. At the opening night, Sir Pauline McCartney of McIntrye and West London was quoted as saying 'If only the Beatles had a psychedelic theme in some our songs we may still together now innit'

The Boys(the) turned down the chance to write a musical farce about a much loved and adored PSB (the) fan named Drico. 'Sadly his ego is bigger than mine' said Neil at the first workshop 'so there won't be a musical about him for some time' waffled Chris. 'Twat', 'I'm a total Twat' and 'Yes, I am a Twat actually' were all working titles said be considered by the Boys (the the the). 'Now we're not doing a musical about the twat, we're hoping he'll write something on the Erasurehead forums for while' said Neil. 'Or just jump off a cliff' said Chris in a rare show of emotion.

PSB (the) are often called in to save the careers of fading megastars. Neil came to Madonna's (for it is she) rescue by producing, writing, sampling, singing and designing the artwork for the multi-platinum hit 'Confessions of a Prance Whore'. Her Madgesty was said to be delighted by the results and thanked all her fans who bought the album by touring world-wide and only charging £1 a ticket. The tour sold out (in so many ways) in just over 14 months, beating the record set by Madonna's sister Kylie Minogue who sold out her tour (and career) in just over 15 months.

In 2009, Neil and Chris (the they) saved yet another former megastar's career. Sir Shirley Bassey (for it is he) had not been seen in public since D-Day after singing 'White Cliff Richards of Dover' at the gates of Buckingham Palace. Neil convinced the Scottish legend to record 'The performance of my wife' at the famous Abbey National studios in North West London and after eleven years of getting the levels right the final mix was performed at the Squarehouse near Ramadam High Street. Sadly Sir Bassey's voice was, as ever, exceptionally quiet and no-one noticed.

PSB (the) also rescued the career of the former superstar podgster Robot Williams. 'Robot's performance at our BBC Radio 2 show was fantastic!' said Neil. 'He even even changed the lyrics to Jealousy and made it an even better song. I'm a bit annoyed though. Radio 2 edited the song and made it sound like Robot knew all the words' he continued. Robot said "I love the The (the) Pet Shop Boys. I've bought both their albums. My favourite songs are 'Tainted Love' and 'Oh L'amour'". PSB (the) and Robot are said to be producing a classic dance floor, ballad, r'n'b epic. Robot said 'Neil and Andy defined the hip hop era and I can't wait to work with them.' The album was finally released in October 2006 and contained just three tracks. 'We're the Pet Shop Boys', 'We're Pet Shop Boys the' and 'I'm not a Pet Shop Boy, just an lounge singer with a few issues checking into re-hab'.

The Boys (for it is they) also remixed the single "Read My Behind" by the little known rubber band "The Drillers" and the band has enjoyed international success ever since appearing on top rated tv shows including 'This Afternoon' with Janet and John, 'The Hair Bear Bunch' on ITV2 + 1 - 3 and BBC Radio Bore's famous "Starter Island Discettes". Represented by the frontperbody Brandon Flowerpot Head, he chose the following records: "Being Boring", "Boring Beings", "Being Boring - Ian Ravine Disco Mix" and "Boring Beings, the Being Bored Megamix". Brandon said on air "When I was four, I only had enough money to buy "Fundamental elysium bilingual release: the most incredible thing,Very introspective nightlife behaviour, concrete battleship, actually potemkin pop or is it art or is it Disco I, II, III and IV yes Christmas Together please?!"?!" or "The Best of Smyths" a one track CD featuring the song "Murder is Meaty". Fortunately I picked The Smyths album which I listened too in mummy's car all the way home. The following week, "Fundamental elysium bilingual release: the most incredible thing,Very introspective nightlife behaviour, concrete battleship, actually potemkin pop or is it art or is it Disco I, II, III and IV yes Christmas Together please?!"was in the $1 discount bin so I bought that then" waffled Brandon wondering where he was.

In a shock announcement, The Boys(the) retired when they released a bonus their album in March 2009. Titled 'No: Boys Aloud meets The Drillers', Neil stated 'I've been a fan of Brandon Flower Pothead since I was a child, so I thought it was about time we did a tribute to him. Boys Aloud are almost as good as us at miming on television and I love being drilled'.

In retirement, Neil also hopes to replace Cheryl Coalface on the X Factory next year. 'I would love to judge the great unwashed on ITV and tell them that they can't sing as well as me or Daniel Minogue. My accent is nearly as annnoying as Cheryl's so Sir Lady Cowell CBE of 'Take the money and Run before anyone realising that this really is shite LTD' should give me a chance'.

'Ooooeee' said Chris. 'Can I press the button and make the big X flash on during the auditions?' 'You've been pushing buttons all your life' jibed Neil, 'so I think it's my turn to sit there pushing buttons while you get on the stage and work your fucking arse off miming to second rate cover versions of Village People tracks'. (Someone pass the valium.....ed).

Retirement was brief however when they realised that putting a few loops together in Garageband and releasing them as a new album every three years was a piece of piss, so Pet Shop Boys (the The THE) continue to entertain themselves as a double act.

In 2011, Pet Shop Boys (The The The The), decided to create a ballet dance prance piece. Called 'An Inedible Thing' it opened to raving reviews on the 22nd March. 'I really wanted to create something inedible for most audiences' stated Neil during an interview on the wireless radio station Jurassic FM. 'Chris learnt to read last year and his first book he managed to read every page of was by Hans Christian Gerry Sylvia Anderson creator of Thunderbirds and the Ugly Ducky Wucky. His second book was called 'The Inedible Thing' and we thought we could make it more inedible by working with a world class choreographer. Unfortunately he wasn't available so we used Javier Tooty Frooty who helped make it the most inedible ballet, prance dance extravaganza ever!' Fortunately ever ticket was sold before the previews so no-one could get their money back when they realised that 'The Most Inedible Thing' really was an inedible as Neil hoped. The next prance piece planned by PSB (Thhhhhhe) 'The Emperors New Clothes' is not, as originally thought written by Hans Christian Gerry Sylvia Anderson' but an biography about the work of the 'Boys'.

Religion

Pet Shop Boys (Thee) don’t believe in Dog. In a recent interview in Dogless magazine Neil stated ‘We both thought we believed in Dog, were members of the Kennel Club for many years and Chris and I went Dogging together many times. However, after reading Richard Dogkins book ‘The Dog Delusion’, we both realised Dog quite clearly doesn’t exist”.

Chris stated in ‘What a bitch’ magazine “When I wrote ‘I want a Dog', we were both believers. With hindsight it was obvious that Dog didn’t exist. With Bulldog, hound and pug and labrador, Collie, retriever and Doberman pincher, Husky, Dalmatian, Saint Bernard und Dachshund, Mongrel, beagle and Cocker spaniel all claiming to be Dog, then I realised that there can’t be more that one Dog so it’s all crap. Dog crap in fact".

Since seeing the crap, Neil has since told ‘The New Doggist’ magazine ‘I don’t believe in Dog. After reading Stephen Hawkins-Dawkins book ‘A timely history of briefs’ I think that it’s more likely that our success in music is all due to ‘The Big Gang Bang theory’.

“I love a big gang bang” Chris told his fan in the Watford branch of Tesco Metro. “I’m writing a new song all about it. I’ve already written the first verse! ‘Atom, baton, star, far, light, bright, fight, slight. Dawkins, Hawkins, Singh, Bing, Bling, Sing, We’ve seen the light. Darwin, Farwin, Wallace and Simpson, Bart, Fart have a heart’ (I think we get the idea.....Ed).

Career Highlights

'Release' - "our fans wanted us to stop using guitars, so we produced "Release", a fabulous disco-stomping classic full of anthemic dance numbers." said Neil. "It sold really well, all things considered" said EMI spokesman Mr Notgotaclue.

'New York City Boy':(the)PSB (the) at their finest' said Janet Sleep Porthole. 'A career saving stroke of genius' said Melody Shaker. 'I immediately threw away my 70's disco collection and started playing only this song' said Dylan Moran.

"Dominio's Pizza Dancing" - launched the PSB (the) into the stratosphere in the US. Sadly, they've not landed there since.

'The Tower of London gigs' - 'we thought we try and produce a show that sounded really crap and charge people lots of money to see it...and guess what, the suckers went for it!' said Neil laughing all the way to the bank.

Low points

'Being Boing' a terrible hi-energy trance epic. Got to number 83 in the charts and has not been heard of since.

'Left up my own crevices' - a dull as ditch water ballad about randy generals taking it up the arse.

'Funandmental' - 'EMI cut the budget for this album, so we completed it in a week and delivered it six months early using the unknown producer Trevor Trumpet. It's just Chris on his Bontempi and me singing a few songs I found in the bottom drawer.' says Neil. It's dedicated to the demise of the career of [Erasure], the Boys(the) favourite artists.

"Betsy's not your girlfriend" - An under produced tribute to Chris's first girlfriend Betsy.

"Interesting" "Trivia"

Neil and Chris delight their fans every couple of decades with 'Illiterate' a fanzine packed with news and reports of what the Boys (the) get up to edited by world renowned tea-shop waitress Chris Hampstead-Heath. Chris authored the books 'Anally', 'I'm a fat, drug crazed Manic Depressive Boy Band Member' and 'PSB Come Over America'.

"We love our fans" says Neil. Without them, I'd still be working in that Pet Shop and Chris would still be the towel boy at the YMCA. (Chris is often seeing hanging around in the changing rooms at YMCA's around the world. "I like to remind myself of what I once was" said Chris offering a towel to a young and hung hunk struggling to squeeze into his Speedo.) Now we are multi-millionaires we like to say thank you by sending out a magazine packed with fascinating facts. Even I learn things about Chris I didn't know......."

The magazine is sent out to members three times a decade. "Quality control is very important" says Neil. "Every word is checked and rechecked for accuracy and spelling". "If you subscribe to 'Anally' for four decades, Neil will personally sign a postcard dedicated to your mum" said a spokesbody for Erasure.

"What our fans also learn about is the vast amount of charity work we do" said Neil modestly. "Most bands spend all their time arguing about hotel rooms and where to go for dinner, but we devote every minute we have to charity". Neil and Chris are Honorary Life Presidents of "Help The Aged Pop Duos" and regulary host Gala events at the Cock and Bullocks pub in Islington. "All proceeds go to our friends Erasure" stated Neil at the last event.

Before becoming a international playboy millionaire, Neil worked for the water-sports magazine 'Slash Hits'. 'The magazine was always taking the piss' says Neil. Some say Neil has been taking the piss ever since he become a 'pop' 'star'.

Chris recently had a children's playground installed in the roof of his pethouse flat. "One day I'll grow up", he admits, "but until then, I want to play on my swing every night, in my council estate sports gear, until the sun comes up. It's not very good for my skin but I'm one of the crowd, me"

Not so "Interesting" "Trivia"

PSB(the) are best friends with Eminem, whom they admire greatly. 'All our work since 1982 has been influenced by him' yawned Chris during a pre-show interview. ("I think he meant Tracy Vermin the piss artist") Neil later clarifies.

PSB (the) hate being called Pet Shop Boys. 'It's 'The Pet Shop Boys' said Neil. 'I've asked EMI a thousand times to put the the on the the, and they say they did, but the the fell off at the printers'

PSB (the) are good friends with the obese former television and newspaper executive Janet Sleep Pothead. 'What she did for tv is legendary' said Neil. 'Just think, there would be no Blue Peter without her influence' he continued. 'Yea when she edited the Beano, it was brilliant' said Chris. 'those Gnasher strips haven't been the same since she left' he moaned.

Chris is also a big fan of magic and is a Member of the Inner Tragic Circle with Gold Star. 'Everything I do is an illusion' says Chris. 'People think I don't play the keyboards at our live gigs and they think it's all on tape, but I do! I got grade one in piano you know! We use invisible wires on my arms so they go up and down on the keyboards. You can't see them from the audience unless you are in the front row. Sometimes, I don't bother turning up though, so they use my double'. ('I think you mean treble' Neil adds). Chris was taught everything he knows by leading magicianette and transexual Randy Davis, also a Gold Star Member of the Tragic Circle and Chairman of the Old Magicians Club. What Randy knows about magic is amazing....she's put everything she knows in a big book. However when you open the book there is nothing there...it's truly magicial! Chris was also taught by magicians on how to make Neil sound like he's singing in tune. However, that is a closely guarded secret and open to much speculation.

Chris loves rugby. 'I love odd shaped balls' he squealed. He is a season ticket holder for Tottenham Cold Ham United who are currently bottom of the rugby 3rd division. Rumours that Chris takes it up the Arsenal have been strongly denied.

Neil and Chris are also known as the team that gave us Little Briton. In their spare time, they create comedy sketches written under the pseudonyms David Lucas and Matt Williams. (Walliams was already taken). 'We use lots of latex so no-one knows it is us!' Chris said. 'My favourite sketch is 'yea but no but yea'. I never tire of hearing it....in fact we are thinking about releasing a Little Briton charity record to raise money for the unfortunate people who live in Essex' Neil said.

Chris is a fan of the Science Museum. "I go there almost everyday. You can push a button on a machine and watch lots of amazing things happen. It's a bit like us doing a live show. I push a button and lots of amazing things happen...." said Chris with a glazed look on his face.

Neil is allergic to diary product. 'I can't cope with diaries. As soon as I seen them I feel ill, so I always take the non diary option. Turning up at the right venue at the right time can be a problem though so I'm hoping to find a non-diary diary soon.'

"The Rig" is the legendary equipment used to produce PSB(the) sound at their live gigs often known as the "Gig Rig" Operated by Peter, Paul and Mary Gleadhall, it consists of two Amstrad amplifiers and a tape deck. "When Chris nods at me, I pull a knob, then he pulls a knob and then Neil starts moving his mouth in sync with the sound. The audience would be amazed if they saw it all. Chris likes to fiddle with my knob in the interval, but I just say no, I can play with my knob without your help Chris. I'm just worried that if he pulls it too hard it won't work properly for the second half. If Chris played with his own knob, you never know what might come out of it. A new bass line perhaps?' Peter, Paul and Mary mused.

Peter continues 'You know that's how PSB had a hit with "East End Boys"? I was listening to the best of West 17 on the Gig Rig and forgot to change the audio cassette tape before the Boys (the) went on stage! I pulled the knob when Chris nodded, Chris pulled his knob and Neil started mouthing words. However, instead of 'Boring Beings' coming out of the speaker, "East End Boys" started blaring. Neil just mouthed along and before we knew it, he covered it and we had a number two shit!". (I think you mean hit? Ed). "No, it was shit", confirms Peter, Paul and Mary.

Hates: The Boys (the) are well known for their hatred of all things intellectual! 'We hate brain boxes!' says Chris. We just churn out pop songs you can tap your toes too. There is no meaning to any of our music!.

People who insist on privacy: Chris in particular is passionate on this subject, 'If you're famous, of course you aren't going to have any privacy! I hate these people who keep moaning about it! We simply love it when our fans take shove cameras in our faces and when the paparazzi scream our names! It's just fantastic!'

Even less interesting trivia

Slugs: The Boys (the) are very anti slugs. So much so, "It's a Sin" is a rabid attack of the slugs culture and was written for the cast of Grange Hill to sing in their war against slugs.

Champagne: The Boys (the) hate champagne. "Ribena for me" slurred Chris.

Modern Art: "Sam Taylor Who?" Chris was overheard saying at his local Athena poster shop.

Staircases: "Why can't someone design a decent staircase?" Chris mumbled as he tripped down the stairs at Armani Armani, ah ah Armani last week

The "Mint Imperial" phase: Between 1987 and 1988, Neil Tennant ate a lot of mint imperials, so named this era the "Mint Imperial" phase. Tennant developed a dislike for these mints in 1988 and started to buy curiously strong mints from the Kings Road branch of Marks & Spencer. It was at this time that their career went down the dumper.

Other names Neil and Chris considered calling the band were "Plip Plop Boys (The)", "Skit Skat Boys (The)" and "Shit Shat Boys" (the)". However "Pet Shop Boys (the)" was chosen because it was thought the least likely name to be connected with any dubious sexual pratices.

Politics: The Boys (the the) don't do politics as their album 'Fumblemental' proved. "We don't do politics or charity" said Neil from the VIP lounge at the Live 8 concert. However, their pro ID card stance has attracted the attention of a trainee journalist at the Ham and High as a kite Gazette and a two page article is expected soon.

"We think there should be ID cards for everyone" whispered Neil. "All these foreign spongers moving into Chelsea are a real pain. I went to the Post Office on the Kings Road the other day to buy a postal order so I could renew my subscription to Jackie Magazine and I couldn't move for asylum seekers getting lots of free money. It's a disgrace! People who have foreigners doing their cleaning should be thrown in prison....I must write a song about it soon" whined Neil.

The Boys (la or is it le?) were also members of the Conservative Party until recently. Neil droned "When the Tories won the election in 1997, it was really great. Unemployment went to its lowest point ever, inflation is under control and they spent lots of money on the arts. They gave those queers the equal age of consent, abolished Section 28 and gave them civil partnerships! They doubled the money spent on the NHS, helped Northern Ireland find a peace settlement, introduced the minimum wage and gave kids a new deal. Museums are now free for everyone, and they gave Wales and Scotland their own Parliament. However thats not enough for me I want to support a party that actually will do something!" Neil is said to be toying with joining the Labour Party but is concerned about its stand on rights for spanish lesbian donkeys. "They don't appear to have a policy on that....so until they do, I'll vote for that lovely Mrs Cameron-Blair-Brown-Campbell-Millywillyband" said Neil from his multi-million pound Chelsea townhouse. "Did someone say willy?" Chris slurred when asked his opinion....

In 2010 the Boys (le la the), were delighted that the Colealition Party won power at the General Election. "I'm delight that Joe won the election" said Chris. I thought he only played for my second favourite rugby team Chelseachester United at Stamfordshire Bridge. I can't wait to go and congratulate him in the dressing rooms next time he takes a shower". 'Yea I'm excited to" squeaked Neil. "To think that Cheryl and Andy are now living at No 11 Downtown Street is really fab. They've promised to give tax breaks to poor pop stars who can only make a living releasing the same old crap and calling it something obvious like 'Ultimate' or 'Best of' or The Very Best of the Ultimate of the very very best of".


DOWNLOAD:

'I Get Along' 'Home and Dry' 'The Sound of the Atom splitting' 'The Michael Winner takes it all' ("Did we write that?" Neil said at a ParlymarleyEMI marketing meeting sometime last year. The rumoured reply from Chris is still unconfirmed and has been sent for translation at the BBC pronunciation dept to see if they can work out what, if anything he said.)

Avoid:

'Boring Beings' 'End End Girls' 'It's a Shin'

Illegal Downloading: 'Why, it's simply fabulous! Everyone can get our songs for free! We don't care of course, we're rolling in it and we aren't holding our breath for a top 10 chart entry any time soon!' - Neil.

Rumours

On the 1st March 2009, rumours started appearing on the net that PSB were going to give away a cd full of their hits to the readers of that well known, tolerant, pro-gay, lefty loving, anti id card, pro-liberty national newspaper 'The Daily Wail'. The Boys were quick to deny rumours stating 'why would we be so stupid to give-away our music to our number one fans?'

After the multi-million selling album 'Fumblemental', the next studio album was 'Disco Bore', a lively mixture of un-listenable versions of the number one hit single 'Integral'. Two copies were sold, both in the Kings Road Chelsea, but Neil denied that it was he who purchased them.

Following PSB's (the) work on the little known album "Polite Container", Neil and Chris considered joining the 1890's sensation band 'Take Fat'. Chris was seen chatting to his half sister Gary Barge-Lowe at the Groucho Marx Club on Graham Dean Street in Soho suggesting new ideas for song titles including 'We're Not the Pet Shop Boys(the)', 'I Made My Excuses and Left When Robbie Williams walked in' and 'Robbie's not Intergral'. Rejected titles (though they seemed so good after a long night with their Columbian friend) said to include "We're Take That", "He's a Madonna with the big boobies" and cover versions of the little known songs "Rent", "Shopping" and "Jealously" by the neo-classical music orchestra Kraftwerk. When asked to confirm the rumour, a spokesman from Parlogroan said "Pet Shop who?, never heard of them".

PSB (the) have announced they are producing a new West End show called "Being Boing:Magic Roundabout the musical". The show springs to life in 2019 and is backed by Cameron Applemackintosh and Android Lloyd Webber. A 12 year long reality series titled 'Finding Zebedee: a boy with bounce' is set to start on ITV 6 next summer with all proceeds from the premium rate telephone lines going towards Chris's new outfit for the next tour, allegedly an orange "hoodie" as a tribute to all his fans on the "street"**

    • The "street" is a long running TV reality show based in Madchester called "Coronation condensed milk Street" show yearly on BBC42 and repeated on ITV 11 an hour later.

It's been rumoured that Neil and Chris and due to be honoured by Her Majesty the Queen of Windsor and West Ilford this autumn. Alleged titles being considered include Lady Techno lip-synch of Chelsea and the Duchess Christine of Columbia. Rejected honours include an OBE for services for album delays and late arrivals and an MBE for services for choosing the wrong track to release as the first single from a new album.

However, Chris has said he'd rather wait until Prince William becomes King before he gets on his knees at the Palace to accept a thrusting from the Royal sword.

In July 2008, it was rumoured that their next album but three would be titled "Guy Hands-Knees and Whoopsidaisy" as a tribute to the world's greatest music businessman. Guy the Gorilla, the Chairman of IME Records said "I love pets....so having an album named after an animal is lovely" PSB later confirmed that the new album would be called 'No, there are no bananas' and will be released in 2022 (Subject to the usual delays).

When asked in May 2009 which artist Chris was currently listening to on his Walkman, Chris responded almost immediately in deadpan with, 'Chipmunk.'Chris cites him as the best musician for at least fifty years, he was so excited as the prospect of finally meeting his idol, he actually managed to utter a sentance: 'He's just brillant. I love him.'

It was also been alleged that in November 2009, the Boys will release a book aimed at young children to encourage the younger generation to boycott their popular Hip Hop music of today, such as Floom Rida and Moronic and give the Pets a go. The book will be entitled, 'The Adventures Of Chris' and will feature such literay delights such as: 'Chris On A Crane,' 'Chris on a Crotch.' The crowning glory of such a compilation being of course, the fabled, 'Chris On A Crow.' Sadly, the book was never to be and the Boys (for it is still them all these years on and they really are too old guys wearing outfits more suited to Dale Winton), were last seen on a coach going to Blackpool for their 3568 date of their latest tour.

Awards

"We don't accept awards" said Neil live from the VIP lounge at the Brits. "We don't see the point of them and would never accept a 'life-time achievement' gong. Unless we have a new album coming out" Chris added.

On the 03 December 2009, it was been announced that Pet Shop Boys'(the) album, "Fundamental elysium bilingual release: the most incredible thing,Very introspective nightlife behaviour, concrete battleship, actually potemkin pop or is it art or is it Disco I, II, III and IV yes Christmas Together please?!", has been nominated for Best Electronical/Prance Album in the 2010 Granny Awards. 'As Great Grannies of the 20th Century, the awards panel thought it was time to tease the elder mistresses of electroplop with a nomination' said someone vaguely associated with them. 'The Granny Awards have such credibilty, I would have thought we'd win at least 14 this year' said Neil while shopping for a new non-diary diary at the Kings Road branch of Waiterose. 'Did someone say Tranny Award?' slurred Chris at the Groucho Marx Club when news filtered through the social network Twatter.

Things you will never hear Chris or Neil say......

  • "'Being Boring' is the best record we ever made"
  • "'Can I buy you a drink....?'"
  • "Lets release the most commercial track from the album"
  • "We're nearly as good as 'Erasure'.
  • "We like our privacy. We wouldn't want our fans to know what we ate for last night's supper, for example."
  • "we go up up up and go down down down"

The future

'We don't need to work', said Neil in a rare interview in Gray Times. "However, it gives Chris something to do instead of reading fairy stories all day long, so we have lots planned for the future.

After reading Gray Times, Chris (who isn't gray by the way but a friend lent him a copy), came up with a marvellously commerical and interesting idea that will get them queuing around the block of a musical based on the fairy (in a non gray way) stories of Hans Knees and elbows Anderson (who also wasn't gray). Naaaah sneered Neil. How about a ballet? With Javier Tutti Fruiti Tosspot doing his shite choreography with willies bulging everywhere?' 'Yey' cried Chris. 'Think of all that lycra huggling those yummy dancers with huge bulges and muscles' drooled Chris in a non gray way. 'Hang on a second' cried Chris. 'If I'm doing the music, what are you going to Neil?' 'Huh! Neil cried...the lyrics are already written in those out of copyright books, so you'll just have to get off that fat arse of yours, start your Big Mac computer and string some loops together with a bit of bass. Stuart Price can do all the rest and we'll be laughing all the way to the bank!!' laughed Neil. (I think you mean bankruptcy moaned as spokesperbody from IME Record).

Things you will hear Chris and Neil say all the time......

  • "'Release' was our most successful album"
  • "We love it when fans come up to us and ask for a photo"
  • "We invented house/electro/rock/pop/schlop/hip hop music"
  • "We hate Madonna AND Robbie (take that) Williams
  • "'Go West' was a great career move"
  • (Via Twatter) "Here's last night's supper."
  • "It doesn't often snow at christmas. With global warming and whatnot.Except at our London 2009 Christmas gig."
  • "Gosh! I'm so dashing aren't I Chris? Oh yes! We are simply dazzaling m'dear..."

Thrashography

  • "Fundamental elysium bilingual release: the most incredible thing,Very introspective nightlife behaviour, concrete battleship, actually potemkin pop or is it art or is it Disco I, II, III and IV yes Christmas Together please?!". (1013)
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