Peru
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| Motto: "¡Ay cómo era grande!" | |||||
| Anthem: Pollada´s sorrow, El especial del Humor opening song, El pio pio | |||||
| {{{image_map}}} | |||||
| Capital | Lima | ||||
| Largest city | Lima | ||||
| Official languages | Spanish, Spanglish, Ah Yungayish, Conchatumarish and other weird languages | ||||
| Government | Inca, Patriarcal | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Jaime Bayly, Seleccion de Futbol, Ceviche, Super Cholo | ||||
| Declaration | |||||
| Currency | The Luca (AKA Lucrecia or Solano) | ||||
| Religion | Adoration of the Sun, surf, football and Alan García | ||||
| Area | Lima + Your House + Unknown territories | ||||
 | Our horrible English is due to all the chela we drink.
Anyway, if you prefer it in Spanish, go here. |
“Whoa, I can get 12 DVDs for a luca!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Perú
“What's a luca?!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Perú
“Yo soy el chucha acá”
~ local hero Waldir Saenz on himself
“Oe, si pes, es que manyas, que puta si pes, ¿manyas?. Y puta, esa webada salió y, chucha, si pes.”
~ Nuclear physicist from Lima
~ Happy people on Peruvian progress, at a swine-calling contest
Perú is a small but cheerful nation located in a jolly neighborhood where no battles have ever occurred. For real. The five countries bordering Perú are: Brasil, Colombia, Ecuador and the magical twin-brothers: Chile and Bolivia.
Contents |
[edit] Toponym
Perú was named by the Incas of Guajira Peninsula in Colombia. When the Forces of Mordor drew their swords and politely asked the Chibchas where they could find gold and silver, the Chibchas wisely said there wasn't any[1] in Colombia but there was a lot of it several miles southwards in a place called Piru which was by a river called Viru. The Chibchas didn't know any Piru or Viru, they just made that nonsense up; all they wanted was to get the greedy Forces of Mordor off their backs.
Years later, the city of Piru was identified as Macchu Picchu, the River Viru as the Ucayali, and the whole Incan Empire was recognized to be this one land of Perú that the Forces of Mordor sought so desperately.
[edit] History
[edit] In the beginning
In the beginning, fire was discovered by Matchsticci Viracocha ("Fósforo" Viracocha in the ancient Peruvian language), after whom the Sun was named.
Bigots say Macchu Picchu was built by aliens because they don't think Native-Americans could ever build such a monumental, luxurious city. This is how all these silly theories on the Incas being descendants from space aliens began. If this were true, it would be the Protoss.
The Incas started their (kinda short-lived) rule in a territory filled with anything one could wish for: gold, silver, bronze, adamantinium, platinium, steel, molybdenum, and lots and lots of other metals, and seriously weird animals (though they mistook Pikachus and named them Vizcachas). From this wealthy condition, the successors of Pacha Cutie-Pie (Tupac One Inca, Tupac Two Inca, Tupac Two Million Inti, and Juaña Capac) gradually took over all Perú and expanded their rule from Southwest Colombia to Central Chile and from the Pacific Ocean to the borders of the Great Chaco--until something evil arrived.
[edit] Conquest and independence
When Huayna Capac was writing his Will, he decided the Inca Empire was so large and wealthy it should be divided between his two sons Atahualpa and Huáscar. The Northern half, with its capital in Quito, was left for Atahualpa, and the Southern half, with its capital in Macchu-Picchu, was left for Huáscar. However, soon after Huayna Capac's death, greedy Atahualpa killed his own brother and his nephews and took everything for himself.
The High Priest of Viracocha announced that this treachery would bring a terrible curse on the Incas and Perú. Indeed, just a few years later, while the ancient Peruvians tried to understand this curse and squabbled over the exact border, huge Galleons appeared from over the horizon, carrying rape, murder, slavery, new diseases, and finally, Catholicism.
After centuries of wars, Orcs from Spain were finally defeated by Toledo Skywalker. Then, setting the fashion that many future Peruvian leaders would follow when things get hot, he just ran off to Europe. Peruvians--now with mostly Spanish blood--got a chance to replace the murder, tyranny, and strife of Spanish domination with stuff they could call their own.
[edit] Pisco War
The Pisco War was not about sour cocktails. It is also called the Pacific War, but it wasn't peaceful either. Rather, two brother countries fought just over the tips that Dad left them. Chile won that war only because Bolivia (Perú's initial ally) went crying to Mom. Perú brought a tank (the Flavio Maestri model),[2] and also a little boat that defeated most of the cabros, as Chileans are known. But ultimately, the bloody Chileans defeated the little boat and kept it since they had nothing else to be proud of. If you want to see this war trophy and you travel to Peruvian...sorry, it's now in Chile--you can still hear the sailors chant: "¡Porompompom! ¡Porompompom! ¡El que no salta es un chileno maricón! ¡Porompompom! ¡Porompompom!".
[edit] Recent years
Perú is the only country where you can get elected by flashing your butt with a number 13 painted on it. (It need not be beautiful, just big, and you must flash it. It works--Ask Suzy). Peruvian presidents have not just manipulated the constitution, they have asked it out, served it a Mickey, and raped it. The latest Peruvian presidents have been:
1) Alberto Fujimori (called "The Last Samurai," mostly by himself). He became famous with his slogan Yuca Pa' Tí. Yuca is the tasty cassava root, of which there is no shortage anywhere in Perú. Voters did not realize that the root would wind up shoved up their asses. Fujimori quickly routed the Sendero Luminoso terrorists, much as your new security guard catches a burglar on his first night at work (which turns out to be the brother he paid to play the role). Fujimori finished cleaning up the country--to prepare for its sale to his cronies. A shiny new constitution provided for a single presidential term. Plus a legislature with a single house, which voted that the single term obviously didn't apply to the President. (This law was called Authentic Interpretation.) When "personal consultant" Vladimir Montesinos put his treachery on videotape, Fujimori resigned--by sending a fax--and moved to Japan, not because he is from Japan, but because of the difficulty of extradition. But difficult doesn't mean impossible.
2) Fuji was succeeded by the caretaker president Paniagua, whose name (bread-and-water) is actually more apt for Fuji, now rotting in a small jail in the sierra for 25 31 years.[3] However, lest you think justice prevails in Perú--
“Soy un cholo gitano que va trotando por el mundo ("I am a gypsy highlander jogging around the world")”
~ President Toledo, on CNN. (Seriously.)
3) Toledo Skywalker XXVII de Karp (self-proclaimed last surviving Inca of the empire and first Peruvian indigenous president). Famously known for having children outside marriage, marrying a Belgian red-headed trans-sexual (Eliane Karp), making his shaman (witch doctor) the ambassador to Nicaragua, and placing his numerous family in strategic positions (like 69).
4) Alan García (current president), a man who doesn’t know that 2+2 is 4. Also known as Pinocchio. García was President once before; the government took over everything and sucked so much value out of the currency that García had to create a new currency worth 1000 of the old one. And then do it again, so 2+2 was indeed not 4; 4 billion was 4. He fled to live in Paris, then came back to say I'm sorry--and Peruvians elected him again. That Peruvians forget the political betrayals of the 1980s is not surprising, as they often seem to forget those of the last week. García just had his 15th son.
[edit] Modern Perú
“Grãnos maiores do mundo. Um país de aca,um país albino, um país arrecho, um país moderno, um país de grosse rosto, um país do mete rosto, um país do buen vivir”
~ Nicolas Wille at a conference in Curaçao
[edit] The national territory
As the map shows, the Viceroyalty of Perú used to comprise all of Spanish South America. That ancient land relates to the modern-day Republic of Perú in about the same way as that party-size pizza you ordered relates to what you will have left over, once the neighbors find out you are having a pollada and come to visit.
The territorial extent of Perú is a touchy issue with Peruvians, although they will tell you that size does not matter. The border on all sides has been the subject of squabbles and wars, and is currently set by a treaty arbitrated by four Guarantor Nations: Narnia, Atlantis, Vulcan, and The Shire. The border remains fluid, as neighboring countries admire Perú in all things, except perhaps prowess at war. Arica is an example of a fine Peruvian city you can visit by vacationing in Chile.
President Fujimori angered his constituents when he transferred a symbolic one-square-kilometer stretch of jungle to Ecuador.[4] Lugging a cast-iron tub to the disputed territory, and taking a bath for the cameras, formalized the deal and promised a new era of cross-border commerce in plumbing fixtures. Fuji also gave Bolivia 403 acres in Ilo with frontage on the Pacific Ocean. What a guy. "Boliviamar" is now one of Perú's more picturesque vacant lots. Bolivia still wants a sovereign corridor to the ocean. (Hint: Don't lose the next war.) And Ecuador, for some reason, still wants a corridor to the Amazon. Perú has the only corridor it wants--direct flights to Miami and L.A.
The border with Bolivia runs across Lake Titicaca, the world's highest navigable lake. "But they got the titi, and we got the caca."
[edit] The language barrier
“Oh Ricky, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind”
~ Toni Basil
The immigration form you fill out before your plane lands is the first hint you are going where enthusiasm about English runs way ahead of ability. The form reminds you that sneaking in a laptop will be viewed "smuggly." (In fact, you can declare it, but failure to take it out when you leave--or having it get stolen--requires you to pay customs officials its full price, as determined by them. You can negotiate...but your plane is getting ready to leave.) The spotty command of English is again evident in the shopping centers of Lima: You will hear pop music never played back home because the lyrics are too stupid. But they don't realize that. Perú is a Top-40 Jukebox from Hell.
[edit] The money
The currency is the nuevo sol (new sun), invented in García's first presidency. That would be 1 billion old suns, the currency when García came onto the scene. Not to give him any ideas, but this term, it's holding pretty steady at about 3 to the dollar. However, no Peruvian ever trusts this to last, and appliances, anything requiring time payments, and some salaries, are expressed in dollars. The "tributary unit" the government uses for fines is expressed in the local money; it's just constantly adjusted to be some number of dollars. Likewise the going rate for a hooker in Lima.
To exchange dollars, just go to downtown San Isidro and look for a man holding up a calculator. (A previous government official denied that Perú was in recession; he saw calculator vendors on every corner.)
Ten nuevos soles is written S/.10--You can think of that as a percent sign, where someone stole the circles and left a rock in place of one of them.
[edit] Cuisine
“El aji pica dos veces (The hot pepper will bite you twice)”
~ unattributed
Perú is a place where bologna and saltines are thought of as foreign delicacies. The national dish (at least in Lima, where the guinea pig is a pet and not an appetizer) is ceviche, or seafood stew. If yours arrives cold, do not send it back; the only problem is your expectation. Peruvian cuisine features a variety of sauces, which are essentially different flavors of mayonnaise, to dip stuff in. Some sauces are thickened by crumbling up Ritz crackers in them.
If your order comes with what looks like a tomato or carrot garnish, discreetly lift it off and set it aside, or you will be sorry late tomorrow.
And chicha morada in the sierra is a thing which, like sausages and legislation, you may enjoy but don't want to watch being made. In fact, you might want to learn how your batch was made before you enjoy it at all.
Peruvians are fiercely proud to drink Inca Kola, the fizzy drink that tastes like bubblegum and looks like piss, instead of Coke and Pepsi, those tokens of American beverage imperialism. They are blissfully unaware that the business was sold to Coca-Cola in 1999 (though bottling throughout Perú has been consolidated and returned to Peruvian hands).
[edit] The myth that Perú is part of Brazil
Perú is small, but in fact it is more than just a region of gigantic Brazil. In Brazil they speak Portuguese, and they have Ronaldiños. Peruvians speak Spanish (ignoring Portuguese-like persons named "Leao" or "Mariño") and have "La foquita Farfán" and Cuto Guadalupe.
Both nations have happy jungles (from cocaine and marijuana production), happy coasts (from consumption of the same), and short, whimsical names for things. However, while Brazil has won the World Cup 5 times, Perú has gotten to go to the World Cup about 5 times. While Brazil only has wild parties and other hidden secrets as its international attraction, Perú has old buildings, old cities, old customs, and other old (and usually stupid) things that tourists somehow pay to see. Finally, Brazilians don't drink as much as Peruvians do. Brazilians love the idea that they have a Peruvian at their backs.
[edit] Regions
Perú has lots of big, long, thick, bushy trees in the jungle, and very deep craters in the mountains.
[edit] Cities
People live in boxes of orange bricks or in straw houses. Their diet consists mainly of corn, llama cheese, potatoes, Cheetos, and cuy (guinea pig), which may be deep-fried, roasted, or sauteed.
[edit] Lima
Lima is the capital and largest city of Perú. Lima is a city of wonder, with polladas (crowded neighborhood parties), good cheap cocaine, and labor strikes over anything.
[edit] Arequipa
This large city in the Southwest is also called "the White City." This can mean only two things: Gringos and guano. Both have accumulated on the main plaza and most of the churches. The only thing Arequipeños love more than spicy food, and of course themselves, is arguing into the night with anyone over anything.
[edit] Cuzco
If you are a tourist and want to tell all your friends at home you have been to Perú, or show them slides of your trip, you had better visit El Cuzco because that is what they all think Perú is. If you showed them a slide of, say Polvos Azules, they might ask if your plane was forced to land in Mexico City instead.
[edit] Chiclayo
Chiclayans live in pyramids made of clay and straw. These "recyclable" houses have to be rebuilt following every year with a strong El Niño weather pattern. In these years, Chiclayo becomes known as "Perú's island paradise" because intermittent lakes in the desert flood the Panamerican Highway in both directions. The residents are friendly, but they have to be, because there is so often no way out.
[edit] Trujillo
Also called the "Spring City," even though it is so fucking cold! Trujillo is the Second City of Perú--By now, perhaps the third or fourth. Trujillo wants to be another Lima, but remains Lima's young sister. (Who is the mother? Don't be stupid!) Trujillo has a lot of good places, like Huanchaco, a nearby beach where fishermen surf. Their principal catch is some of the many white chicks on the beach.
[edit] Cochabamba
Cochabamba is not in Perú. It is in Bolivia. But Coche-bomba (car-bomb) has been in several places in Perú in the past. This is why friendly Mr. Serenazgo will be searching the trunk of your car when you enter the supermarket parking lot.
[edit] Eastern regions
Peruvians who live away from the coast speak in God-awful dialects. This might be caused by consuming monkey, turtle, alligator, and other yummies.
[edit] The Andes
White people call the Andes "the mountains," delicate white people call them "the highlands," and Peruvians call it the sierra. Picturesque, steep slopes rise above villages and the national highways. Except twice a month, when one of them becomes a gentle slope covering villages and the national highways. The townspeople gather at the site of these huaycos to talk about them, vehicle traffic backs up beyond sight and no one knows why, and everyone waits three days for the steam-shovels to come up from Lima. However, these disruptions do not affect the economic statistics of the region.
[edit] Jungle
The jungle beyond the Andes is the enigmatic selva. The typical occupation is waiting for lunch to fall out of a coconut tree. This explains the high level of energy they bring to their employment. If a city-dweller calls you a selvático even though you don't live in the selva, relax; it is merely an insult.
[edit] Outside
You can find Peruvians everywhere, as every other country has a number of Peruvian enclaves. Spain has the largest one. Expatriate Peruvians keep busy by touting the benefits of living in Perú, as though there were no reason for them to have left; keeping current on Peruvian news, and voting both in Perú and in their adopted countries.
Peruvians living in the United States reminisce about Perú while behind the wheel. They like to pretend they are back in a place where there are no lanes marked on the pavement, and where shaking your hand out your window before you cut someone off is the mark of a gentleman.
[edit] Niceties
[edit] See also
As Eskimos have dozens of words for snow, Peruvians have a variety of choices when talking about getting drunk and defecating--see Peruvian slang.
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ This is the first recorded use of the no hay ("There isn't any") excuse that pervades modern Perú. For example, you obviously can't get a steak at a fancy Lima steakhouse if there isn't any.
- ↑ This is an inside joke, as "The Tank" is this soccer player's nickname.
- ↑ Stay tuned! The criminal charges keep being filed!
- ↑ Readers in the USA would have to imagine an American president selling out his country to curry favor with foreign--Oh, I see I'm touching a nerve.
