Perth Glory FC

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~ Robbie Fowler on being signed by Perth Glory
“I have nothing to declare but my boredom.”
~ Oscar Wilde on attending a Perth Glory vs Newcastle Jets match
~ Sepp Blatter on being asked about Perth Glory
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Perth Glory FC.

Perth Glory Football Club, otherwise known as Substitute Liverpool for Scousers, Perf Gory and, occasionally, TWATS!, is a semi-amateur three quarter professional part time soccerball club based in Perth, Western Australia. Named after the glory hole located in their club change rooms which is still in use today, they are mostly known for their extremely wealthy backing by both the Russian Mafia and masses of ex-pat Scouser fans who turn up to PMS Stadium every second week, consuming copious amounts of Kilkenny and, when their money runs out, Carlton Mid-Strength.

Despite having the title as the best team on paper for the past 5 A-League seasons, they are still the worst team on grass.

edit Soccerball in Perth

Soccerball (also known as roundball, soccer, bloody poofs game or, more commonly known in intelligent parts of the world as Football ) is a popular sport played by immigrants, children of immigrants, and British people living in Perth. It is still unknown why this sport is limited to such a small group of people when the rest of the world goes absolutely bat shit crazy for it. Many people in Perth prefer to play a sport known as Footy. Many people call this a variant of football. It is a variant of football in the same way that a supermodel's ass is a variant of Queen Latifah's ass. There's really nothing similar at all.

Over the years, soccerball has gained a very large following in Perth. Many people are beginning to lace up their boots, pull up their socks, put on a cheap Manchester United replica top and fumble around like a retard in a skating rink. Despite this handicap of being incapable of kicking the ball in the direction they wish, dribbling for more than 3 inches or striking on goal without realising that the ball goes under the crossbar, Soccerball in Perth is still one of the most popular sports amongst young males aged 1-19, 20-29 and again in their mid 40's.

In the days before the FIAT A-League and the National Soccerball League arrived in Perth, the people of that city only had the State Premier League where they could watch semi-professional-amateur-completeshithouse-borderingonretardation Soccerball.

This league was made up of mostly ethnic clubs such as;

  • Perth Mafia
  • Balcatta Wogboys
  • Floreat Greeks
  • Stirling Gypsies
  • Fremantle Mafia
  • Joondalup Scousers

and the most infamous

  • Yokine Vietcong

This league survives even today, however ethnic-based clubs are now banned so they take on more culture-neutral tones. For instance, the Perth Mafia are now known simply as the Perth Crime Consortium for People of All Races, Creeds and Colours. And the Joondalup Scousers also include Cockneys, Gaudies and a few of the less hostile Irish folks.

edit National Soccerball League

In 1891 the first NSL game was played between Boca Juniors and AC Milan. However, both teams decided that crowds of 3 people and 2 sheep weren't going to bring much money in, so they moved to Argentina and Italy respectively and never returned.

It wasn't until the 1980's that Australia decided to catch up to the rest of the world and play national soccerball. So, in 1986, on the back of Australia's success in not reaching the World Cup again cities such as Melbourne and Sydney started clubs of the ethnic variety. Every week, these teams would usually play by running around in circles in the rain for about 35 minutes until someone brought up some unfortunate piece of historical information about the other team's ethnic background and, Wham! It was an all out brawl. This was when most fans would quickly hear the noise from the stadium and decide to purchase a ticket and actually watch the match. Most of the fans who were half way through leaving the stadium made their way back to their seats. Attendance would sky-rocket from 15 people to around about 100,000 at this point.

In 1996, someone in Perth made some decision that directly or indirectly affected a number of people. Most people weren't affected by this. Also, Perth Glory was formed, bringing every single ex-pat Scouser out of the woodwork.

edit The A(ss) League

Much like the Perth state league (see above), the ethnic clubs were banned for some reason (see above...a little bit lower though... lower... OK there, you got it). The FIAT A-League was formed and clubs were told to be more professional. Considering the fact that most administrators involved at all the clubs had never heard the word uttered before let alone knew it's definition, it was hard to get this move going. Therefore, the governing body FIFA decided to execute all current club presidents and rule by fear. This was the formation of the A-League.

It was at this point that all the history of every club was erased. People began forgetting absolutely everything about the previous NSL. It was kinda like that memory eraser from Men in Black, you know, the one that gets rid of the memory of everyone that looks at the flash of light.

edit Episode 3 - The Rise of Fowler

In 2010, Perth Glory made a very BAAAAAAAD decision, like. This was to sign the Scouser King himself, Robbie Fowler, like. Many people (just the scousers) thought that this was great, like. Most people (uninformed people who know nothing about football) thought this was great, like. Most of us in the intelligent football world know that this is completely stupid, like. In a move to get more asses on seats, Glory used Fowler to market their club, like. In an effort to miss out on the finals yet again, they used Fowler on the pitch, like.

edit New Stadium?

There are talks of a new stadium so that Perth can host the 2087 World Cup. It is hoped that this stadium will hold up to 50,000 people, have a roof and state of the art seating. Most chances are, it will hold 10,000, get flooded in the winter and be as cramped as a train in New Dehli.

edit Gloryisms

Glory, Glory, Glory, Glory....ummm Glory! - 'fans' (part time supporters) at a Perth Glory match

  1. Twats! - Real fans of Perth Glory
  2. Fowler! - Again, part time supporters

edit See also

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