Perth, Western Australia

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Perth
Uncyclopedia perth logo
Motto: Nothing happens in Perth
Civic anthem: "Leaving the city for the mines" by Delta Goodrem
State Western Australia
Official nickname Dullsville
Official language(s) Self-absorbed banter in 'Straylyan
Mayor Lisa Scaffidi
Established 1829
Currency Smugness and Complacency
Opening hours 9:00am to 4.45pm

Perth is the capital and largest city in Western Australia. It has a warm and pleasant climate, and many iconic and award-winning buildings. Perth is one of the fastest growing cities in Australia. It is also known as “The City of Lights”, or affectionately by its locals as “Dullsville”. Locals are known as "Dullards", and pride themselves in being able to talk about the weather more and for longer periods of time than their Melbourne counterparts.

History

The history of Perth does not make itself known to the residents very often. It is somewhat of a recluse, and prefers to hide in places like Fremantle, a nearby, older harbour town. Perth’s history is a bit jealous of its counterparts in the eastern states because it missed all the action. It can also travel for free in public transport with its senior citizen’s concession, and it also writes long letters to the editor complaining about the “young whippersnappers”.

Perth’s history, like most of Perth’s residents, is rather forgetful. It fondly remembers Captain James Stirling, the founder of Perth. Captain James Stirling first sailed to Perth and made it a colony, and his wife marked the founding of Perth by cutting down a tree. Perth’s history would rather not talk about the other things, especially those regarding the Noongar people. It would suffice to say that some stuff happened. More stuff happened as well. A hundred years later, an apology ensued.

Perth’s history is a bit antisocial and shy, and nobody knows it very well. However, this is fine because a knowledge of Perth’s history is hardly grounds for impressing people in social situations. Residents of Perth prefer to talk about Perth’s weather instead, regaling their friends with tales of how it was 6°C this morning when they walked out of their house in a bathrobe to get the newspaper[1]

Climate

The climate of Perth is much celebrated in Perth. It, like Perth itself, is moderate, mellow, bland and smug. It believes it is “just here to have a good time, mate”, and frequently tells people to have “no worries, mate”. It has a 9 to 5 job that it hates, takes frequent sick leaves, and abhors working overtime. It works alternate Fridays, and sometimes will just not show up because it is “worried about its barometer readings”. Despite this, people know it as a “pretty decent bloke”. Perth’s climate likes to talk about politics without actually understanding them, and on summer months Perth’s climate sends down sporadic drizzles on random occasions just to draw attention to itself. Its average temperatures always stay in the range of 10 – 25°C, for fear of being labeled an activist or an extremist. However, Perth’s climate is very protective of its way of life, and when it perceive it is being threatened, particularly by north-westerly winds who should “go back to where they came from”, its temperatures can rise up to 46°C[2]

Most Perth locals can recount the temperature and rainfall on the past few weeks with great accuracy, and the climate of Perth enjoys the attention it has been getting. It has somewhat reached the status of a local celebrity, and it is rumoured that it may be moving to Melbourne to host a FoxTel program. It may also be moving to Melbourne, period. It currently lives in its home in Claremont, where it gives off breezes of complacency. Most of its rainfall occur in the winter months, other than that it is quite dry, even dull and unimaginative, but it thinks it is rather hilarious, and its friends have been known to laugh at its jokes out of politeness.

Notable Locations and Landmarks

Contrary to popular belief, Perth has notable locations and landmarks. They are frequented by locals and tourists alike. The notable locations and landmarks enjoy a certain degree of smugness. They are also very shiny, and might also be moving to Melbourne.

Perth locals know the landmarks like the back of their palm. That is because there are only three of them. They are:

Garden City

Garden City is an iconic, award-winning, internationally acclaimed shopping mall located in the Perth suburb of Booragoon. It has a large trading area spanning a total of one floor, and contains all the trendiest retail stores in Perth, such as Myers and K-Mart. Garden City is a bit like Mall of America, just without the theme parks, skylights, fountains, escalators, aquariums, restaurants and retail outlets. Locals regularly conduct searches for the “Lost Gardens of Garden City”, because Garden City doesn’t actually have a garden.

Centro Galleria

This colossus stands in the middle of industrial Morley, standing above all other warehouses and retail outlet, and boasts the largest congregation of bogans in Perth while on a Thursday night. It is a major attraction of Perth mainly for it's wide variety of fashion outlets and variety shops including the world renowned Targét, Colés, The Footy Shop and Supré. From a pair of thongs to a Bintang Beer shirt the combinations of accessories and fashion wear is endless. Or if you prefer that "scene" look you can ask for the hairdressers to give you a blind hair cut. A speciality of Perth it can be a lucky dip as to what colours and cut you have. Depending on the outcome you can become a rejection in the Perth social life or a facebook/myspace personality.

Bell Tower

Bell Tower is an iconic, award-winning, internationally acclaimed…structure, located near the banks of Swan River. Some people claim there are bells in the Bell Tower, but they seem to be very well hidden from public view. Not many people know what the Bell Tower is for other than storing the said mysterious bells, however it proves to be quite useful for tourists to stand in front of and take pictures. It is therefore said to be boosting Perth’s tourism industry and international reputation. It has regular lightshows which are very impressive and lauded by critics and tourists.

Wellington Street Station

Wellington Street Station is an iconic, award-winning, internationally acclaimed train station in the City of Perth. It is operated by Transperth, the company that runs the public transport in Perth. This is one of the trendiest hotspots in the city, and is where most of Perth’s young people (and old people) go to hang out. Like a nightclub, the later it is the wilder it gets. It also comes with the Transperth officials who act as bouncers.

Daylight Savings

Besides talking about the weather, Perth residents are also very passionate about daylight savings. The debate over daylight savings has polarized the state of Western Australia for decades, much like how the debate over abortion has polarized the United States. Several referendums were held, each resulting in a firm “against”. The last referendum was held in 2009, with 46% voting yes and 54% voting no, and as a result daylight savings will not be implemented.

A three-year trial period for daylight savings was held prior to the 2009 referendum, and this resulted in vocal protests by anti-daylight savings groups. The government were likened to Nazis and Communists, much like how in Germany and Russia, totalitarian governments who committed mass genocide were likened to Nazis and Communists. Many Perth residents believe that daylight savings is a slippery slope to socialism, will cause skin cancer, and will cause curtains to fade and somehow confuse the cows. It might also cause total economic collapse and damage Perth’s international reputation. Protests and riots have erupted on several occasions...no wait...they haven’t, because nothing happens in Perth. Now that they have decided to not adopt daylight savings, pro-daylight savings anarchist groups have formed. They refused to be silenced and vowed to fight so that the voices of the minority can be heard.

Culture

Contrary to popular belief, Perth has a culture. However Perth’s culture is very elusive and likes to disguise itself as cultures of other more interesting places. Also, not many people know that Perth has an art gallery, or any sort of cultural activity for that matter, and even people who know it exists don't know where it is or what it's called.

Music

Contrary to popular belief, famous musicians tour in Perth. On average a tour happens once every ten years. For this decade the artist to tour Perth is Beyonce, who performed at the Burswood Entertainment Complex, which is the only place for concerts to be performed in Perth. It is also the only place for any large scale event of any sort to be held in Perth, and by large I mean slightly bigger than small. The Beyonce concert will be talked about for the next ten years, especially the weather at the Beyonce concert[3] which will also be Twittered and set to Facebook statuses.

Nightlife

Contrary to popular belief, Perth has a nightlife. There have been reports of residents experiencing this so-called “nightlife”, and it was recently proven by a sociology study that this “nightlife” exists. The “nightlife” can be found in places like the Perth district of Northbridge, a place that is supposed to have the highest crime rate in Perth. Locals will readily tell you about the time when they were in Northbridge and was stared at by people who are “hell dodge”, and possibly in gangs. Usually nothing happens, as is always the case in Perth, but in the rare occasion that they do get beat up, they will remember to tell you about the weather on that day too[4].

Wikipedia Feature

The Hamersley suburb of Perth was featured on the front page of Wikipedia on April 14th, 2007. The article was deemed top quality by the community at Wikipedia, and reached the status of “Featured article”. A celebration of this event was held by the city council on the day. Perth’s mayor Lisa Scaffidi said in a speech that the Wikipedia feature had raised Perth’s international reputation and will be a boost to Perth’s tourism industry, with ten more tourists already flocking to Perth. The property value in Hamersley had also tripled, and it has now become the most desirable place to live in Perth.

Transportation and Infrastructure

The transportation and infrastructure in Perth is world-class, and consists of several highways and a train. Besides talking about the weather and daylight savings, Perth locals also like to talk about the transportation in Perth, or more precisely, talk about other people’s inability to merge in traffic. One of the ways to get a Perth local very upset is to merge incorrectly, as they are convinced that everyone in Perth with the exception of themselves can’t drive, and will not hesitate to tell other people about this[5].

Transport

To get to the pubs or beaches, Perthites must risk life and limb by driving on West Australian "roads" along with all of the other lunatics that are trying to make their way to the nearest watering hole. Obeying road rules is purely optional whilst trying to get to a pub and gestures such as fingersigns and mooning are encouraged. Speed limit signs serve no purpose other than as shooting targets. NO Perth driver has the ability to merge their car in traffic or can distinguish "left" and "right" ("no, the other left") and this usually results in huge clusterfucks of traffic jams, especially around the aptly named Narrows Bridge. Drivers that claim to have the ability to merge in traffic are liars and are immediately shot and fed to a dingo.

Underused

Construction of the new Southern Line. A small number of highly skilled and over paid "Guest Workers" fill the "skills gap"

In 1999, traffic on the Narrows Bridge got too bad, so they built another identical one next to it. Just after this second Narrows bridge was completed in 2003, the government decided that building a train line down the middle of the two would look quite nice, thus dooming the bridge and its commuters to another 4 years of construction work. And its because of this construction that the freeway has now become a suburban street/parking lot with speed zones of 60-80kmph, instead of the usual 100kmph. And who is to say that the construction of the train line is going to solve the traffic problems for southwards. It definitely didn't for north!

It should also be noted that Perth drivers exhibit a number of interesting peculiarities:

If it rains - they stop. If its foggy - they stop. If the wind is blowing - they stop. If there is a 'D' in the day - they stop. If road works are in progress - they stop. If a car stops on the side of the road - they stop. If a motorcyclist has an accident and police are in attendance - they stop. If a motorcyclist has an accident and no police - they swerve around the scene and keep going.

NOTE: This is because motorcyclists are pure evil, and are often to be found breaking all laws, so you have to stay away from them or run them down if you are brave enough. Perth drivers are also renowned for slowing down when driving into tunnels and it gets that dark they cannot see the light switch so they do 40klm until they get out the other side. It would be very easy to think that the ultimate Perth driver would be seventy years old, wearing a lawn bowls hat and driving a Volvo truck, but in most cases they are 45 and driving a Mercedes Vito van. Other than that, Perth has the only drivers in Australia who do not know how to merge, use indicators or mirrors.

If a Perth driver is leaving Fremantle via Leach Highway and is going to turn right somewhere in, say, Riverton, 25km away, they will (a) move _immediately_ into the right hand lane; (b) drive at 40km/hr so that they don't miss the turn; and (c) indicate at least 5km before they reach their intersection. Also, a typical Perth driver will _always_ stop before turning a corner, regardless of whether they are turning left or right, and whether there is any reason to do so.

Motorcyclists in Perth are considered a suicide risk, as anybody who would try to ride a motorcycle through Perth traffic must have a death-wish. The police, however, have come up with a new evil machine to combat this - the MULTANOVA, which is now set to take your happy snap at 2kph over the limit (NB - no speedometer on earth is that accurate, not even in those in Porsches, so enjoy your fines). Sitting behind trees, it takes photos of innocent drivers who are goink 10 ks below the limit, but they've all been tweaked by those cops who want all that money. Bet they spend it on donuts. Perth Street Bike riders are considered a great scapegoat by both the media, government and certain chairpersons of Safety Councils. Obviously it is a lot easier to have new laws introduced if the public can be convinced it will target the heinous motorcycle riders. Typical of Perth drivers though is that they fail to realise that these law changes will soon be catching them in far greater quanities than they ever would catch motorcyclists.

The skies may be bright, but it sure as hell doesn't mean the drivers are.

As bad as the motor cyclists are, there is nothing more dangerous and irritating than the Bicycle cult, hell bent on an agenda of world domination which they call a "green future". On their way to work or back home motorists must constantly swerve around these cult cyclists in fear of their lives. This causes heavy congestion and makes people even later than they already are due to perth roads. Most frightlingly, even though a driver may have passed a cyclist, as soon as they think they are safe at some traffic stop, lo and behold the cyclist overtakes them, taking up an entire lane as if it is some kind of god given right. This is their greatest method of recruitment, motorists who are frustrated with both roads and cyclists, throw their hands up in the air and say "if you can't beat them join 'em". As irritating as the cult is, nothing can be done about them as they seem to have infiltrated high places in the government. The cults graffittee can be seen on walls around the most congested of roads, mocking motorists with propaganda like "cycle instead you idiot".

A classic example of Perth's "unique" road system is the principal artery connecting the Perth CBD to the port city of Fremantle. This is officially designated as "Stirling Highway" although in any other city it would probably be designated "Track". It is a two-lane single carriageway for its entire length and in a bizarre twist of urban planning, has more traffic lights than intersections. Vehicles turning right are not provided with slip-lanes, meaning they must stop in the right hand lane blocking traffic. The left hand lane is mostly taken up by bus stops, which for some reason are placed in the middle of the lane rather than in a siding. This combination frequently results in both lanes of traffic being blocked for long periods of time. Stirling Highway is, of course, just one example of Perth's transport infrastructure, which is studied world-over as a perfect example of How Not To Build A City.

Perth also boasts an international airport, which may handle several people in a day, depending on whether the small crash-prone planes make it to their destination. It has also yet to discover the wonders of having baggage trolleys. Most people using the airport are leaving Perth to find a better life in a small hole somewhere out in the Australian desert. Due to these increases in passenger numbers there are complaints that at peak times there may be a car parked along the drive to the carpark, causing another driver to slow down to the speed limit briefly on their otherwise uninterrupted journey. There are also occasionally flights to Indonesia, but most pilots simply choose to land on a highway in an effort to bypass the airports customs, which can take between 10 to 20 decades to go through.

Footnotes

  1. The day before wasn’t this cold. It was at least 15°C. I also heard that it’s gonna rain tomorrow and the day after, better bring along an umbrella huh? The afternoon gets pretty warm though, so I don’t wanna be wearing too much. Maybe I’ll just put on a jumper and a scarf. Say, do you think it’s still gonna be cold next week?
  2. Now that January rolls along, it can get pretty hot. Why, just a few weeks ago it was only around 20°C, now I have to walk around in my thongs and bathers. How was your weekend? Have you been to the beach, maybe have a barbie or some sausage sizzle? Yesterday when I went to the beach it rained a little, and I was like “Strewth!” Damn those weather reports. They are always wrong!
  3. It was awesome, man! Me and my mates had such an awesome night. Everyone was here, all my classmates, my family, my grandma, my school janitor, practically the whole city was here! It rained at the beginning, and we were all worried it’s gonna spoil the show, but it turned out just fine. It got a bit cold after the raining, but I was glad I brought my sweater. Man, I’m so stoked. Especially when the temperature is between 15 - 20°C, because that’s like the best, better than when it’s between 10 - 15°C and 20 - 25°C.
  4. 26.5°C, cloudy, and more humid than usual, mate! His punches remind me of the time when it hailed a few months ago, and the hail were the size of golf balls, mate!
  5. Why, just the other day I was driving down Narrows Bridge, and this fucking driver just appeared in front of me, without indicating or anything! I wish people in Perth would just fucking learn how to merge. That driver must probably be one of those anti-daylight savings folk too, I wish they would just fucking die. People like that are why the rest of the world thinks Perth is so backwards and resistant to change. What is this gonna do to our tourism industry and international reputation? I’m all pissed off now, what a thing to do to ruin a perfect, sunny, 27°C day, with a south-easterly wind and high pressure towards the north, mate!
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