Perodua
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“Like a fridge or washing machine.”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on KennyG
“They make good a coffin!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Perodua
“What i really like about all this Korean and Malaysian car is it in better sense there are designed not by one Englishman who wanted to make a great car, but by a large group of chinamen who simply wanted to make money.”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on Perodua
Perodua is a Malaysian car washing machine manufacturer controlled by the KGB (Kelantan Gerbils' Bridgade), a feared secret society. After a not-so-successful Proton, the KGB decided to start another company which would bring them even more infamy and hatred. However, too bad Perodua do not own Lotus yet they are OWNED by Toyota.
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[edit] Why Perodua are so excellent
Most cheapskate cars are not designed to be affordable at first, but halfway through the build, the project manager will decide that it should be cheap for the wrong reasons - poor build quality, lackluster handling, shitty suspension, and washing machine chassis. Perodua follows those same principles which believe they are following the foot step of Proton. However, due to their powerful bomohs and pawangs, Malaysians are are put into a spell, believing the following:
1. Cheap Proton = shitty quality. Cheap Perodua = ingenious engineering + optimized manufacturing techniques + Toyoda technology
2. Proton car = Opium tin. Perodua car = Teh Tarik tin
3. Proton with Mitsubishi badge = ah beng. Perodua with Daihatsu/Toyota badge = god sent stuff, because Toyota really copied from Perodua (yeah right)
[edit] Specifications
Perodua's powertrains come in two distinct types, the "Ah Kong"-powered GTR 4 Rotor-Turbo (Grandfather's car) and the "Ah Mah"-powered 2 Rotor N/A so called because its driven by grandmother, using foot pedals from a 1920's sewing machine. Peroduas are known for their exceptional 90-10 front-rear weight distribution, but can achieve 60-40 depending on how much the driver has in his bladder.
The "Ah Beng" is the father of the two models, and in 2004, Perodua began a run to determine it's 0-60mph time; its still going on. But apparently, enthusiasts in Malaysia have improved on Perodua's model; they have determined that by installing a loud, obnoxious sound system, the sound waves generated could propel the car in a direction determined by which song was being played. Tests to increase speaker output ended when an 'Guang Liang' song caused the car to roll over, killing the drifter instantly.
The GTR Tri-Turbo however, is the more popular model, it is known for its ability to overtake shopping trolley in multi-storey carparks; a loud wail (usually driver in origin) precedes the sight of a GTR.
[edit] Perodua shopping carts
Perodua Cowcil is sports car designed for Malays by Malays to kill Malays. Design of Cowcil is inspired by a cow skeleton and they weight about the same too. EURO NCAP could not identify its safety crash rating because every Cowcil evaporates into thin dust after head on collision with air molecule. However it is still safe because Cowcil will never be able to go fast enough to crash anyway. Malays Cowcil owner invest their whole life saving into modifying their Cowcil hoping it will plow the paddy field little faster. A change of exhaustzz will instantly unleash Cowcil into 2 stroke outboat motor. The fastest model of Cowcil being the EZ660 while coolest one are EX850 model. These model number represent the length of its driver's penis in millimeters.
Technical Specifications:
0-60kph : 2008/9/26
0-100kph : 2010/9/26
1/4 mile : 12 years
Cowpower : 1
Turbocharger : My farts
Fuel : Opium
- KennyG
Another famous Perodua is the KennyG, tall, boxy and unable to play any musical instruments, it shares similar characteristics to the Klearlisux, but has 11 more seats, making it a 13-seater. This makes it a popular MPV wannabe for the annual inter-town migration ritual after the fasting month. Both are equally good value for money. Full-faced crash helmet are almost mandatory to drive the KennyG as it might flip over anytime unless the car is stabilised by two families and their luggage during the inter-town migration phenomenon.
- Klearlisux
Klearlisux is Perodua's mainstay model. It is the cheapest car in the world and has been in production for over 300 Hobbit years (about 1 month). It's engine is from a Ford Mundane V8 but has been tuned down 200HP, apparently because Malaysian highways are always jammed. The Klearlisux has -500HP and a maximum torque of 1Nm at 9000rpm. 0-60mph takes the same time that you would need to read all of this article and top speed is illegal to be mentioned. If a snail held a drag race, a Klearlisux would be a worthy contender. The slogan of the Klearlisux is "engineered for fun". The proper way to have fun with your Klearlisux is to smash it with a sledgehammer. Most Klearlisux on the road is driven by poor bastard who cannot afford PORNton Gila.
- Mawi
Perodua Mawi, MyWeeWee or Beroktua Mawi as pronounced in local slang, is very successful car in local Malaysia market. It was believe the car is actually designed by local BolehLand engineer before being copy-cat by Toyota & Daihatsu who rebadge them as Toyota Paseo and Daihatsu Boon Wee. After realizing that Mawi outsold the latest Subaru Impreza by 100000:1, even Subaru has resorted to stealing the godlike design of the Mawi. To con Plotong owners, Subaru used the Plotong Persona grille in their version of Mawi.
The appearance of Mawi takes after the size and shape of Rafidah Aziz's ass. It makes most Malaysians feel they are too talented in the world until their parent company (Toyota) copied their car. To exact revenge, local Ah Beng designers created the Mawi Ass-y. The Mawi Ass-y features a larger ass bumper with fake unpainted honey comb grill, and new front bumper with the license plate number pushed aside. It is missing an interfooler however, but it will be available soon to compete with Plotong's STD technology for it's Cam-Not-Pro engine. Perodua forgot that Mawi need 5 inch exhaust pipe to supports its DVVT-GT-Wing 1.0 engine.
In Malaysia the Perodua Mawi is been category same class like Honda Jazz, Toyota Yaris, Suzuki Swift, Smart For4, Mercedes A-Class, BMW 1-Series, Ford Focus and Aston Martin DB9. In the United States however, the customs and the department of transport don't know what category to put it into as it's engine capacity is smaller than most bikes sold there. Due to that, it's sold in the United States in Walmart as a kids toy with a plastic 5 speed auto 6 litre all aluminium coke-can V8 engine.
Mawi is powered by a 1.0mL and 1.3mL engine but most Mawi fan boy dream that Perodua will sell 1.5mL or Turbo version of Mawi. VVT-i engine used in Mawi are created by China.
- MPV based on Mawi
After Rafidah Aziz's defeat in the election, local BolehLand engineers were given a new project to con uncles and aunties. It is still the same as the old Mawi but with lengthen body to carry more peoples and crash them into sausages. The project name is codenamed "Mawi Erection" due to the nature of elongating the Mawi to become an MPV. Perodua wanted to launch it the next day after the Plotong Esok-lah MPV, but shat brix when they saw the Prime and Prestige concept. Thus the launch was delayed while they headhunt for Ah Bengs laid off from Brother's accessory shop to work on the Beng edition of the Mawi MPV.
Mawi MPV will outsell any vehicles ever produce by Toyota or Plotong because of its exceptionally good quality and good value.
- Vulva
Cheapest Perodua model after the Klearlisux, Vulve is a cross breed between two STD infected Cowcil and Kenari. Perodua hope to replace the market of Cowcil or Klearlisux with Vulva but they failed to relise that this is just another overpriced shitbox on 4 wheels.
[edit] Criticism
Perodua cars are amazingly one of the world's most dangerous cars. Based on 2005 statistics by the Road Transport Departnment, mortality rate of perodua compact cars accidents were 100%. No one actually complained the flaws of the safety designs mainly because most of them who realized the faulty designs are already dead. Car Crash Tests were never recorded due the human dummy are too afraid to be inside a Perodua. Each Perodua accident would always end up with the roof tored open or the whole car disappears to thin air if hit by trucks. The victims would always end up bald due to the long scratch of their heads on the ground. During a secret crash test, they tried speeding a Cowcil to 30 km/h towards a piece of paper and it exploded at the instant of impact. When they tried 120km/h, the car merely disintegrated due to the excess friction. Perodua cars also broke the record for having the heaviest drop of value over time. Toy R Us was known to be selling Perodua Kancils in their toy car line up.
[edit] People who have a Perodua
[edit] Reasons for owning a Perodua
1. You are broke and sold your car, but need a cheap one to get around. A Perodua is the perfect car if your current situation is like the one described.
2. You work for Perodua, which probably means you are broke, and are given a Perodua as a company car. Most Perodua employees often come to work late despite getting up very early in the morning. They are also the main reason why Malaysian highways are always jammed.
3. You are careful with money but dumb. This reason is not as common as the first one, but it can happen. So be wary that you don't become a statistic.
4. You like driving around in a box on four wheels. if so.. it is recommended u drive with a paper bag on your head. note: it is not necessary to cut holes for your eyes so u can see. you cannot control the car anyways
5. You have too much money and wanna burn some. but burning is no fun apparently. You wanna buy some Perodua Klearlisux or KennyG or dat new "mywee" juz to stack them up and knock them down
6. It's better than Proton. now THAT'S a very solid reason. For now though.
7. Your parent buy you one. nah, go and kill them now!
8. You in the other hand, thinks that Perodua is really cool!!!. Now, you better see your doctor to check your insanity!
9. That car can give your pleasure by inserting your penis into the exhaust pipe.
10. DO NOT BUY THAT CAR. IT CAN GIVE YOU AIDS
11. You are ex-matrempit
12. Your children are being held hostage
13. You had one too many at a pub and figured you need a backup vomit bucket
14. You Are Ah Beng
15. You have been hypnotised by the Perodua corporation
16. You will go to any lengths to bring glory to the Malaysian economy
