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Centaurs vs. Lapiths

Pericles depicted here as the horse's arse

Pericles was a nerd, a capitalist, an uneducated bum, and the ruler of Greece from 475 to 450 BC. He is believed by some to have invented "democracy." However, under a true democracy all its citizens are given rights and the power to vote. Many groups, such as women, children, and African-Americans were not counted as citizens and had no rights. Modern scholars have chosen to abolish his title of "the Father of Democracy" and he is today known as an elitist, capitalist bastard.

His Life

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Pericles.

Pericles was born on the second of October on November 45th, 495 BC. He was taught by the great philosophers of his age, not including Zeno, Aristotle, or Socrates, the latter of which would later go on to commit suicide by eating a dog.

Pericles himself lived a life governed by false virtues and by aspiration. After his frequent failures regarding his attempts to secure himself in a college, he made up his mind to enter the cottage industry. His many rivals, the most famous of which are Herodotus and Pythagoras, conspired to form the Delian League. They would maintain throughout their campaigns against Pericles the fact that he was a stupid, worthless bum.

Pericles became ruler of Greece in 475 BC, as whom he made the malevolent contributions to society that we remember today. After exhaustive military campaigning, he was finally defeated by Nietzsche and his uberman army.

His Military Campaigns

In 475 BC, Pericles led a coup against the existing Greek government and managed to install his own regime. He called it a democracy under false pretenses, and we shall see in a moment that it was actually a fascist state. To avenge his dishonor under the Delian League, one of his first acts was to recruit a band of nomadic barbarian mercenaries. He led them on a jihad throughout Greece, ravaging his enemies’ farmlands and having a jolly old time.

Nietzsche, however, with the aid of his uberman army, began a massive nation-wide counterattack. His motivation for this sudden attack is spurious and contrived. Nevertheless, in 454 BC he declared total war.

For four years Pericles used guerrilla tactics (further proving his lack of honor) to evade confrontation with Nietzsche, but by 450 a battle was unavoidable. The two armies met on the battlefield of Marathon.

Nietzsche instructed his cavalry to surround Pericles to prevent any retreat, and went on to face Pericles himself. Nietzsche’s battle strategy at Marathon is widely considered by experts to be the most brilliantly devised and strategically genius military plan ever conceived. We will omit his battle strategy because most people today are familiar with it. Needless to say, Pericles was defeated and Nietzsche's army suffered no casualties.

His Death

After Nietzsche defeated Pericles, he personally captured Pericles and exhibited him in front of the Greek masses. It was evident to most observers that Pericles was an illiterate bum, which is the historical viewpoint adopted by most scholars.

After showing Pericles off as an illiterate gorilla, Nietzsche first tarred and feathered him, surgically inserted a brain tumor into his hypothalamus, and then tortured him for forty days and nights, until he realized that the brain tumor had long ago destroyed Pericles’s pain centers, after which Nietzsche just went ahead and killed him. Pericles’ last words were “God is dead,” which signified him giving up on life, and is considered to be a great triumph for communism over capitalism, and especially for Uncyclopedia over Wikipedia, and even for George Bush over his shoelaces.

His Views

Pericles was a self-proclaimed proponent of "democracy" and "freedom." Yet his actions and his personal life (see below) suggest otherwise. In fact, he was against democracy, and was even in favor of an elitist fascist state. Here is further evidence that Pericles was the enemy of democracy.

Groups That Had No Rights Under Pericles

Nietzsche sleeping

A kitten, sleeping after a hard day of having no rights.

His Personal Life

Pericles' personal life further casts doubt on his views on democracy. Though he advocated a free state, he himself kept 10,000 concubines, built a harem, and had a dozen slaves who prepared his Sprite cold, no ice. He beat his wife and kept her chained in the basement. Even Wikipedia agrees that Pericles was evil and corrupted, saying "Pericles divorced his wife and offered her to another husband, with the agreement of her male relatives." What kind of decent guy divorces his wife?

The Norris Letter

The true views of Pericles are evident in the following letter recovered from Chuck Norris' personal library:

Pericles letter

Although the rest of the letter has been destroyed, it is clear already that Pericles was up to no good.

His Accomplishments

The Parthenon

West End

The Parthenon: Though Greek legends glorify Pericles as having built it with his bare hands, it actually was built by 20 million slaves who, under Pericles' "democracy," had no rights whatsoever.

Sure, it's an architectural marvel, but what good has it brought to anyone? It's an old, crumbling wreck. No one cares about it, it's ugly, and it's covered in graffiti. It should be noted here that the Parthenon did not have rights under Pericles either. For all we know, it could not have wanted to be built in the first place; would you want to be a rotting piece of junk?


Pericles was largely responsible for the creation of various mathematical concepts. Though some people are under the illusion that his contributions are a great boon to mathematics, his creations actually were aimed at destroying the mathematics of other civilizations. You think it's just a coincidence that no other nation had a developed mathematical system at the same time as Greece? His evil creations include Sigma and division by zero, and without Pericles, our schoolchildren might not have to deal with such monsters.


The following meals were popularized by Pericles:

His Impact

Pericles today is widely remembered for being the biggest enemy of democracy the world has seen. His ruse was brilliant, but it by now has been shown, through indisputable evidence, that he actually was a dictator. In fact, he delayed the development of a true democracy for more than 2000 years. It's not a coincidence that the next democracy was established during the American Revolution (don't believe any "Roman Republic" nonsense).

See Also

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