Perfectionism

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Perfectionist
An cartoonist's illustrator's penciler's artist's drawing portrait picture sketch impression of a woman teenage girl small girl perfectionist small girl who is perfect a perfectionist.
“Cut, cut, cut dammit! I SAID CUT!!!”
~ Steven Spielberg on ET's bike flying a 1/2 inch higher than it should be
“Perfectionism is what gives us the backbone to complain until they stop feeding us shit at fast food restaurants.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Perfectionism

Perfectionism is that strange feeling- no, that sounds stupid.

Perfectionism is the Oscar Award-winning epic- dammit, I screwed up the link!

Perfectionism is the Award-winning epic romance novel between a man and a- it was better with the screwed link.

Perfectionisn is the misspelling of- damn keyboard!

Perfectionism is some problem with some person for some reason that has to do with their tiny, tiny brains! Jeez!

edit History

The first known perfectionist was Joe Jerryson... no, wait a second, wasn't it Cyrus Caesar? Arthur Argus? Hmm... maybe that's the first historic reference... hang on... no, not him... wait... maybe... oh! Okay, then...— The first known perfectionist was Ogg Gruntsson, (circa 1,548,452,042-1,548,452,069 BC) who was, according to Ogg's journals, [1] "obsessed with fascinated by the beauty of things creations that are perfect embody perfection."[2] From what archeologists [3] were able to find, Ogg was frequently banished from his tribe for writing his work down, rather than remembering it like everyone else, for not worshiping the sun (as he knew it was just a big ball of fire), and for inventing fire and not sharing. He was eventually sentenced to death, but he mysteriously vanished[4] the night they tried to kill him, and Ogg's genius was lost to the world forever. His was survived by his children, who ran away when Ogg was "killed" and joined anothoer distant tribe, and his descendants multiplied into the bounty of perfectionists there are today.

Caveportrait
Ogg Gruntsson's one and only self-portrait.

Wait, there's something else I'm forgetting about History... oh, right! Sorry! Here, let's try this information:

The terms "Perfectionist" and "Perfectionism" were invented coined by early linguist and perfectionist Jakob Grime (circa September 20, 1863-January 4, 1785 BC), when he noticed several thousands of people in history had an unhealthy and unruly weird peculiar obsession interest in being perfect perfection.

Okay, hold on! This says nothing about what he did! Fix that, please!

—He decided that such people and their "study" needed a name, and initially decided to call them "Perfectologists" and "Perfectology". Then "Strivers" and "Strivationism". Then "Correctors" and "Correctationism". And still kept coming up with new, better, and more sensible words. He continued seeking the right words, and, on January 4, 1785 BC, he discovered realized had an epiphany: "I have it! We'll call them Perfecteers who are involved in Perfectionism!"[5], then died of a heart attack from his excitement. While "perfectioneers" never really caught on, perfectionism quickly wove its way into modern English, and gave birth to the grammatically-correct term "Perfectionists".

...what? That's it? No snazzy conclusion line? We can't end a section like this! It's just... boring! Here, I'll fix that!

Thus perfectionism was alive born CREATED WHATEVER MAKES SENSE! GAH!

No, wait, come back! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Don't get mad at me, please! I won't do it again, I promise! ...

...Oh, thank you. Now, let's move on!

edit Physical Traits

You can tell if a peerson is a perfectionist by several chararacteristics in his or she her personality, his/her habits and, sometimes, his/her physical appearance.

...no, wait a second, maybe that's too... professional and stuck-up. What if a complete idiot shows up and reads this?!? Maybe if I put it in layman's terms they'd understand...

-I mean, you can tell if someone is obsesssed with being perfect by telling what kind of a person they are, what kind of strange things they do when they think no one's looking, and how attractive- I, mean, how they look.

...no, now it's too... unprofessional. Isn't Uncyclopedia supposed to be a pillar of truth and honesty? [6] So, shouldn't there be like, I dunno, a list?

Anyway, if you still can't tell how to spot a perfectionist by now, remember to look for strange patterns in the following areas:

  • Personality
  • Habits
  • Physical Appearance

No, wait, I still have to think about if there's any other mis —

edit Personality

Portrait queen
This portrait of the queen was done by a perfectionist, and is still unfinished. This was originally torn into pieces, but since they were cut perfectly square, it wasn't difficult to recreate. This is the 45th known draft.

The first step in identifying a perfectionist is to look at a person's social life. Ask yourself: "Does this person spend lots and lots of time locked up in a small room with a magnifying glass while analyzing every single fiber of a painting?" If your answer is yes, you should investigate further; is the work this person is obsessing over belong to him her it them? If not, you've found a perfectionist. Not sure exactly why you wanted to, but, still, congratulations!

...AND...?

And also, a perfectionist may seem to be unfocused uninterested in discussions conversations with other people, and usually often spends time alone isolated. Frequently Normally, this is because a perfectionist may want to ponder over the last picture drawing thing piece of art work he she it the perfectionist did completed. Perfectionists have been known to commit minor crimes in order to go to jail (or time-out, if the perfectionist is very young) to achieve such alone time, so perfectionists tend to be drug dealers, arsonists, murderers, and bank robbers, which has a significant impact on their personality. However, this isn't a sure sign, as criminals can also be just plain mad.

Are you saying that perfectionists are all scumbags?! How DARE you! That's it, I'M taking over!

—Perfectionismts is are also known to infamous famous notorious for being having angry thoughts voices inside their head getting angry very fast very long extremely short angry furious temperament temperature TEMPERMENTAL TEMPERS! THEY HAVE VERY SHORT TEMPERS! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

...No! No! Wait! I didn't mean it like that! Come back! Please! I'm sorry! I just couldn't help myself! I can't do this without you! Please!...

...Thank you! I'll try not to get mad! I'll do better! Now, let's stop wasting time! Moving on!

edit Habits

Pi test
Perfectionists are still complaining to mathematicians that pi is still incomplete.

Perfectionists aren't well-known for having a few tendencies quirks unusual practices rights habits that can identify incriminate personify distinguish a perfectionist from a group bundle audience guild crowd.

That is WAY too small! That's barely a paragraph, let alone a whole section! Surely you can say something else abou—...

Oh. Right. I can put that down.

—Perfectionistics have been are not known to strike out cross out strike text his her its theirs mistakes errors out, instead of rathers thean erase delete erase/delete 73H the mistake errors lickes normal persons peoples does. Theseis iis beacauses two and perfectiomnist, an mistake errorer isa liseke the an itchy, who whitch mustard bee scratchyed asp spoon ass potential posspible. Notesably, theseis makeths an perfectsioneerist's wrightinsgs veeresry hards differenticult toes reedads.

Well, geez, you couldn't be more subtle about it! Lemme rewrite that last paragraph:

—Perfectionists are known to overuse the "strikeout" function.

Never mind, we'll keep the large one.

...did you think that meant this section's done? Well, tough luck! Keep those fingers moving!"

—Perfectionists are also also known to complain whine bellyache critique comment on the many paintings writings works of others. They simply cannot will not tolerate incompetence, and they will assert their opinion on everything and everything anything that they want to catches their attention interest. All Nearly all perfectionists are critics of some sort.[7]

Well, at least you got ONE thing right!

edit Physical Appearance

Perfectionists are, in a two three words, very, VERY nerdy. If you're trying to find a perfectionist just by looking at him, I've created got made prepared a checklist of traits characteristics to look search quest check for:


  1. A Magnifying Glass— A perfectionist can't make sure there are no brushstrokes out of place on a poster without a magnifying glass at the ready every moment of the day.
  2. Spray Paint— Should there be something wrong with a large document (like a billboard), how will people know something's wrong if the perfectionist can't show them?!?
  3. Pale, Pale Skin— An unfortunate side-affect from hiding in the basement for months on end correcting the background of the Mona Lisa.
  4. Nerdy Apparel— Perfectionists paid attention in school just so they could correct the teacher. Being a nerd is another side-affect to this small pleasure some most all perfectionists engage in.
  5. No Glasses— Glasses, though nerdy, get in the way of the magnifying glass. All perfectionists wear contacts.
  6. Braces/Signs of Braces — Nerdy + Perfect Teeth = A perfectionist MUST-HAVE!!!!
  7. Good Hygiene— Perfect hygiene is still perfect.
  8. Bruises/Cuts/Scars— Perfectionists are advocates of self-discipline, though not a figuratively as one might think...
  9. Bags— You may need to borrow the perfectionist's magnifying glass to see them through the make-up, but no amount of cosmetics can fully erase the proof of the perfectionist working night and day to proofread through the Bible.
  10. Perfect Features— If the perfectionist isn't born with 'em, there's always plastic surgery.
NerdPerfect
Now, is this man most likely a perfectionist?[8]

Sorry I took so long! You'd be surprised at how hard it is to pick the perfect cup of coffee in Starb—...

...what are you doing with that picture of my Halloween costume from last year?! WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY CLOTHES?! THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU AND YOUR "FACTS" AND IMPERFECTION! I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVER AGREED TO CO-WRITE THIS ARTICLE WITH YOU! YOU CAN GO RIGHT ON AHEAD AND WALK OUT THAT DOOR! I DON'T CARE! I'M FINISHING THIS ARTICLE MYSELF!!!

edit The Perfectionist's Persistence

...

Well?...

...Oh. Right. I have to write this... alone... in front of all Uncyclopedia... oh, boy...

Um, right. A perfectionist... er... is, um... very... loyal? No... what was I going to say? Okay, stop, let's try this again!

A perfectionist is usually, I mean, often, no, FREQUENTLY, ARGH! CONSTANTLYNO! I CAN'T... GET... FRUSTRATED... MUST... STAY... breathe... calm. Okay, let's try this... again!

Let's... see, now, um, a... p-p-perfectioni-i-i-ist, um, is, eh... um... grr... v-v-very dete-e-e-r-rm-m-mined when... um... p-p-ersuing his HER —ulp! Heh, heh. C-c-could you... excuse me for a m-m-m-moment?

Grr, what is WRONG WITH YOU!? For crying out loud, it's JUST AN ARTICLE! PULL YOUSELF TOGETHER!!!

—Okay, now! A perfectionist is VERY determined when in pursuit of HIS HER ITS'...


GAH! THIS IS STUPID! I HATE

THIS STUPID ARTICLE! I HATE

IT! THIS IS A WASTE OF MY TIME!!!

I'M OUT OF HERE!!!


edit Citations

  1. The journals were detailed depictions of scenes from Ogg's life, assembled into the world's first diary and the world's first comic book.
  2. From Ogg's Life Issue #2, stone 34, pebble 16.
  3. Who, sadly, weren't perfectionists.
  4. Some historians theorize that Ogg had invented time-travel, but was exiled before he could tell anyone and use it to escape into an unknown period of time.
  5. Sadly, no one ever heard it but Jakob's wife, who got all the credit for creating the phrase.
  6. Answer: No.
  7. However, since everybody's a critic, they could be ANYONE.
  8. If you guessed "no", you're an idiot.
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