People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals

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"PETA" redirects here. For other uses, see Peta.
PETA God skin

Restoration of the 16th century Sistine Chapel painting by Michelangelo revealed previously unknown text. Restoration supervisor (and PETA founder) Ingrid Newkirk said, "This absolutely proves that God approves of PETA people getting naked."

“You people totally misunderstand PETA! We are not terrorists! PETA believes in peaceful protests, vegetarianism, and taking off our clothes. We are simply a group of animal lovers who like running around naked and who really love animals. I mean really. (Wink)”
~ Eris Chao, author of Zoophiliacs for PETA on PETA
“I can't believe my parents named me after this organization!”
~ Peeta Mellark on PETA

PETA, or People for the Emancipation of Teats and Asses, is a global collaboration of activists who protest for freedom for animals, particularly bovines and equines. This is reflected in their most popular campaigning methods - parading men and women with exposed breasts ("teats") and buttocks ("asses") symbolising cows and donkeys. By exposing other body parts, they show their love for cats and roosters.

Some former members have complained of having gotten little support (in most campaigns, PETA doesn't allow wearing bras). But the group has many loyal followers--and wide-eyed admirers--who are sympathetic to the cause.

While the international group is known as PETA in most parts of the world, in Skokie, Illinois, the group has been labeled the Uber Nazi Aryan Animal Association, UN-AAA. They are sometimes identified as People Engaged in Terrorist Activities for their alleged physical abuse of two-legged animals who wear lab coats; forcing spaying and neutering on anything that possesses fur, feathers, or hair; and clandestine midnight beatings of the rare flesh-eating moose of Ontario, California. But according to spokesperson Eris Catma, "That wasn't me that was my sister."

Another version of their acronym is "People Enjoying Talking Anal," but this primarily describes members while posting on their website.

The group is sometimes mistaken for the unusual, left-wing organisation known as the Poorly Educated Turtle Anuses. The name says it all, really.

To date, PETA is the only organization in the world to bribe people with naked women, video games, and free food, yet fail miserably. But they keep trying.

Origin of PETA

Furry cabinet

The governing board of PETA (2010).

According to Harvard Professor of Social History Miley Ray Cyrus, PETA began in the dawn of the 1980's when people demanded something new to complain about. It was founded by actor Ingrid "Jamie" Newkirk in 1980 as an civil-strike faction of Hezb-e-Islami Gulbuddin. Newkirk is best known for her role as the Chicken Lady on In Living Color, and as the young Captain in the 2009 prequel to Star Trek.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Her activism began as a member of the PTA (Parent Teacher Association). "I was originally part of the PTA, which I figured must stand for People for the Treatment of Animals. But one day at a meeting, I suddenly realized that didn't make sense. I stood up and asked, 'What the hell does that mean? What kind of treatment?' Everybody looked at me really strangely, but nobody had an answer." So Newkirk started a new group by adding an "E" to the acronym, changing PTA to PETA. Not surprisingly for an actor, the new acronym stood for "People for the Entertaining Treatment of Animals."

Your Mommy Kills Animals co

So does yours.

The new group drew attention at SPCA (Sexy People Craving Animals) centers and PTA meetings by singing and dancing while wearing chicken suits. Unfortunately, the efforts proved rather frivolous. This was explained by chicken dancer Gulbuddin Hekmatyar, who said "our efforts proved rather frivolous." So they moved from the stage and produced a film. This also did poorly. In a review in the Chicago Sun-Times, movie critic Roger Ebert wrote that their "efforts proved rather frivolous." The new group was on the verge of closing.

PETA still exists today because its founder, Ingrid Newkirk, tried a new tactic--research. She called it pain en the ass. She and a team known as Really Awesomely Terrific Scientists (RATS) conducted studies at several eating establishments. These showed that meat consumers acted irrationally, immaturely and engaged in childish behavior including pushing, shoving, fighting, and calling each other dirty names. "Consumption of meat obviously leads to innumerable temper tantrums and acts of childish destruction," said Newkirk in regard to the RATS study. Newkirk then called for the abolishment of meat consumption, which became the primary agenda of PETA "in order to provide for a better planet." The primary criticism of Jamie Newkirk's study was made by longtime rival Ricardo Newkhan, who pointed out that all the observations of childish behavior were made at elementary school cafeterias.

Ingrid Newkirk later ran into serious doubts, even to the point of considering becoming a meat eater. She learned that the 20th century's most prominent vegetarian led a band of racists, hatemongers, torturers, rapists, murderers, and people who wore animal-tested lip balm. But when she discovered that Adolph Hitler also wore woolen underwear, she immediately seized it. "Itchy underwear would make anyone cranky," she said. "Fur made the Führer." So to eliminate the Itchy Undergarment Sydrome, PETA fought against the wearing of animal skin and fur, and its name was changed to stand for "People Exposing Titties and Asses." The group became very popular with self-centered emos, beer-guzzling Retarded Vegetarians of Canada, angry beatniks, unwashed hippies, short-fanged vampires (who appreciate not having to try to bite through fur coats), Dirty Old Men, and Bat Girl (as played by Alicia Silverstone).

PETA is not without rival groups. The most prominent are Hunters for Jesus, Screw the Animals, the Plant Liberation Organization, and the PTA. Support groups include Topfree For You And Me, Zoophiliacs Unlimited, and Bat Girl (as played by Alicia Silverstone).

PETA and Barack Obama

Recently PETA endorsed Presidential Candidate Barack Obama with money on his campaign to topple Warlord Premier Bush. This was due to media reports that Obama was sympathetic to minority groups such as PETA because he was of mixed race, being half black and half green. The media also reported that he had planned to adopt a rescue dog, and subsisted on plant material, i.e. tobacco. PETA was certain this meant the new president would approve their plan to legalize same and opposite sex marriage between people and their animal companions.

Unfortunately for PETA's plans, a special report on Fox News revealed that Obama was not a vegetarian. The network aired footage showing him and Vice President Joe Biden consuming a whole bucket of Popeye's famous chicken on the doorsteps of PETA headquarters or Delta Halo. After this, the plant eaters changed their allegiance and joined the Green Party.

Petaphiles

DogLabels

"These are the best chemicals with which to kill a dog. Avoid them!" says Petaphile

Petaphiles are people who have an abnormal sexual attraction to vegetarians and/or animal rights activists, especially members of PETA. Some Petaphiles (sometimes called PETAfiles) are known for having playful, cautious, and kind sex with animals if it will take that to liberate them.

While petaphilia isn't technically illegal, even if the bestiality is in places opposed to loving animals, it is strongly discouraged by most communities. This is primarily because the presence of petaphiles tends to attract some of the more shady elements of society, such as the sympathetic furries and their enemy group, the anti-PETA kitten huffers.

In countries with too many laws, known petaphiles are required to wear cow-scented cologne, in order to prevent them from being able to lure in unsuspecting vegans.

Signs that someone might be a Petaphile

  • Hangs around outside salad bar and Subway restaurants
  • Buys large quantities of tofu, even though no vegetarians live in the home
  • Loves all animals, even the platypus, but can't stand humans, especially men
  • Loves wearing leather Birkenstocks while splashing fake-fur wearers with red paint
  • Subscribes to animal grooming magazines, but doesn't actually own any pets
  • Drives an SUV with a bumper sticker that reads: "My Other Car Runs on Manure"
  • Runs a vegan restaurant serving a BBQ that is disturbingly good

See also

Sealclub

I joined PETA for the swell times and love of the hunt! Hello little guy, what's your name?

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