The following pamphlet describes the rumored and understandably surpressed practice of people who enjoy making love while their clothes are elsewhere. Delivered in the nondescript envelope above, and produced with funds from the Centers for Disease Control, the British Home Secretary, and the Vatican's office of In-the-Moment Deniability, this pamphlet itself has become a constant source of irritation and controversy.
The repulsive practice described herein is acknowledged to be an urban legend, and is rarely written about outside of fringe magazines and conspiracy websites. The pamphlet, reproduced below, was first commissioned by United States Congressman Dennis Kucinich at the request of his wife. This in no way reflects on the integrity or morality of the Congressman or his wife, it simply means that they are at the forefront of putting to rest any ongoing discussion that people who enjoy making love while their clothes are elsewhere might actually exist and co-mingle with us in today's enlightened and multi-cultural world.
Before breaking the seal on this pamphlet, please realize it is not safe for work, for school, or for anyone younger than the age of consent, which is 27 in the U.S., 25 elsewhere.
There is a fetish class of sexual deviants who almost never come to the attention of the general public. In numbers too small to count, and surviving in levels of the mind that decent people don't even have, the hideously disfigured and appropriately dishonored members of this sub-group have only one thing in common: They are People Who Like to Fuck Naked.
The earliest indication that humans can briefly revert to their primate origins was the 1894 discovery of a stone-age cave-drawing near the Atlantic coast of Spain. This painting depicts a strange but oddly alluring scene. When viewed with direct lighting (the effect does not emerge with reflective light) the prehistoric artwork seems to show a caveman without underwear mounting a cavewoman who may have misplaced her clothing. The fact that an aroused male mastodon is depicted, and portrayed as watching from behind a tree, indicates to viewers that they are witnessing a unique but shameful occurrence. Aside from this single ancient artwork, and several disputed illustrations on a mid-dynasty Egyptian vase housed at the British Museum, the historical record concerning People Who Like to Fuck Naked is scant and controversial.
Modern era reemergence
In the modern-era, the fetish was likely first practiced by either author-occultist Aleister Crowley or author-sorceress Anais Nin (although neither ever spoke of it for fear of public ridicule). The then-unknown fetish emerged full-blown into the public eye in the 1920s when American film actress, Clara Bow (a.k.a. The "It" girl), revealed in a drunken interview during her Sin in Soft Focus book tour that she "sometimes enjoys having sex while nude". The interview was stopped right there, the reporter gave the story to his editor to bury, and when the article actually appeared above the fold on the front page of the New York Times (thanks to one of Bow's not-very-smart secret admirers on the paper's editorial staff) Clara Bow's revelation shocked the world. Her popularity plummeted overnight and, unable to find legitimate film work, she eventually stooped to playing herself in a series of lifelike cartoons (see this link for more information on the animated character, Betty Boop).
Although both Bow's film work and her interest in fetishism were soon forgotten by the general public, a small group of adherents still vividly remembered the look in her eyes that made them feel a deep-seated carnal urge to engage in the immoral practice themselves. The genie was now out of the bottle and under the sheets.
Rumors then began to arise from various parts of the world that someone had been seen Fucking While Naked. It was usually told by someone about a friend of a friend of a friend. It was also whispered in the worst circles that a very few high-end call-girls could be found, if you knew whom to ask, who would engage in the distasteful fetish. But in the decades following Clara Bow's career-ending interview, even as she slowly became an underground heroine, no one would publicly talk about the fordibben practice for which her name was now synonymous (i.e. Bow job) for fear of the glare of publicity and the accompanying sting of societal shun.
Fucking While Naked Grows in Popularity But Stops Short of Catching-On
The practice next emerged when World War II ended. As European and American fighting men came home from exotic Pacific Theaters, rumors of "strange ways" and "sultry women" rumbled through the populace. Although it has been estimated that less than 100 women and men in Asia practiced the fetish, it seems that upwards of a thousand soldiers and sailors had been exposed to these mentally deficient and unstable individuals. The Church of England and the Catholic Church quickly joined British, American, and Disney propaganda units to both quell these rumors and fog the minds and recollections of the enlisted men so they seldom discussed their strange Asian sojourns. Due to this successful "Loose Lips Pink Hips" campaign, this troubling deviation from the norm was again forgotten within an increasingly intolerant and strictly institutionalized western society.
After going underground for the next twelve years, the fetish was briefly brought back to public consciousness by three inventions of the Devil: Rock and Roll, beatniks, and hippies. The intoxicating drum beats of the music, the demented poetry and grotesque shoulder gyrations of the beats, and the foul-tasting cigarettes of the long-haired commies hypnotized a lost generation of people to actually believe in something. A few dozen of them Believed In Fucking Naked. This small group was eventually shouted down, psychologically broken, and successfully ostracized by their more enlightened peers.
Late 20th Century Media Coverage of the Fetish
The years again changed to decades, but this time the inventions of television and the internet had thrust their electronic tendrils into otherwise peaceful homes and offices. Soon more people heard rumors about People Who Like to Fuck Naked. General revulsion gave way to private disgust, and although a few people who hinted that they found pleasure in sharing their nude bodies with others attempted to organize a social movement (see "The 1998 Shagging While Skyclad Rights Movement" and "London-to-Brussels March"), the result was the same: condemnation, suppression, FOX News Special Reports, and stricter laws, resulting in an effective silencing of these sacrificial lambs. After initial media coverage surrounding the tear-gassing and arrests of dozens of London Movement protesters in their failed attempt to march through the Chunnel to France, little more was publicly heard of the fetish, although talk persisted in some circles.
Modern Times (No, Not the Chaplin Film, But What We Are Living in Right Now)
As the 20th Century picked up its marbles and stormed off, the 21st Century decided to stick around. By this time the World Health Organization, the television networks, and the Hollywood film industry had teamed-up to silence the last of the movement's activists (i.e. right: A scene from the 1997 Disney documentary Courting Death), and the fetish again became relatively unknown. On the rare occasions it was mentioned, as in this pamphlet, elected officials, religious professionals, and groups of normal repressed citizens huff and puff and throw media tantrums to publicize their deep concern that anyone anywhere should be having any fun whatsoever at anytime at all. This attitude lasts until they take their third toke, which most of them, of course, never do.
Psssst. You. Yeah, you. Advice For The Novice
OK, almost everyone has stopped reading this pamphlet by now, thank goddess. The rigid, judgemental, and religious have found the information either too obnoxious, too blasphemous, and/or just plain slow-paced, and have thrown the pamphlet away. Of those left, the non-creative people and others who can't think for themselves have been purposely lulled to sleep or into trancelike boredom. We designed it that way. This section is for you. The few. The proud. Mostly the teens.
First of all, never, ever, admit your fetish to anyone. If your family or friends knew about your deviant interest, somebody will talk. You will be found out, probably ratted-out by your little sister or your best friend. And as you know, the legal ramifications are large - in some countries you will be executed by having stones thrown at your head (or, outside of the United States, by by hanging or worse). Just like the "fictional" Fight Club, the first and second rule of Fucking Naked is never to talk about Fucking Naked.
How do you discreatly bring up the subject with your sexual partner? You don't. Ever (see first and second rule above). People Who Like to Fuck Naked should try to only Fuck Naked with People Who Like to Fuck Naked who get paid for this service. This is for the safety of all involved. Although there aren't many of them about, most of the high-end prostitutes who engage in this fetish do so with the tacit consent of at least one local authority figure, and thus the assistance of the local police, all of whom are well paid for their innate ability to "look the other way" (This is one reason why tantric engineers charge so much for their service). If your friends, family, or intimate sexual partners ever mention the fetish, just laugh and look disgusted. You are living the life of the hunted, and complete silence and well-maintained layers of discretion are the only ways to keep your job, your friends, and your marriage intact.
If you happen to find another person who performs this act, rejoice, for you have found nirvana. You have entered a land whose descriptions can only be encoded into science fiction novels and spoken of in hushed tones in the inner sanctums of secret societies. Treat your new best bud with extreme kindness, and let them lead you into their knowledge of the perversion. Learn from them, and either promise to marry them or pay them well. For when you find another Person Who Likes to Fuck Naked you have found a lifelong friend and/or loyal hired companion.
Look the other way
Be aware, to discuss or share the names or photographs of People Who Like to Fuck Naked puts them in great legal and physical danger. If you think you know Someone Who Likes to Fuck Naked, never ask them about their fetish, even in private, or pass along rumors about their activity. Please try your best never to offend or shame the hobbyists, or to irresponsibly place their estates in legal entanglement. In you ever feel inclined to take up the hobby yourself, email the publishers of this pamphlet, include your photograph and preferences, and they'll see what they can do. Everyone else, just lean back, get comfortable, and look at this!.
|Fetishes and Assorted Perversions|
|Featured Article (read another featured article)|
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
| Quasi-Featured Article (24 March 2010)|
This article was nominated to become a featured article; however, due to several votes being devoured by a Drow, it didn't make the cut (6/12). Don't let this happen again! For just pennies a day, you can prevent another travesty of this nature, or vote for other articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.