People's Republic of Arequipa
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| Motto: Limeños have a bad accent | |||||
| Anthem: We are part of Peru ... NOT! | |||||
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| Capital | Mount Misti | ||||
| Largest city | Mejia | ||||
| Official languages | Arequipeño | ||||
| Government | Socialist Capitalism, Anarchist Fascism | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Gral. Vizcachú, Mao Panda | ||||
| President | Juan Salvatierra | ||||
| Formation | 18 December 1991 | ||||
| Currency | El Characato de Oro (The Golden Characato) | ||||
| Religion | Adoration of the hawk | ||||
| Population | 800 billion tons of white birdshit, 2 grams of black birdshit | ||||
| Area | Arequipa + Cañon del Colca + Mejia + Mount Misti | ||||
| Population Density | 27 whites per sq. km, 0.0000082 cholo per sq. km, 20 invading puneños per sq. km | ||||
| Ethnic Groups | White, Cholo, Invading Puneños | ||||
| Major Exports | White birdshit | ||||
| Major Imports | Anti-bucket catapults, missiles | ||||
| National Animal | The Hawk | ||||
| Favourite Passtimes | Complaining about limeños saying pejjcado instead of pessscado | ||||
The People's Republic of Arequipa, also known as the white city because of all the white people on it, has the lowest proportion of cholo vs white people (those told by his grandparents not to marry a chola or your lineage will be corrupted for ever). It is a country that broke away from Peru because a limeño bastard kicked the president, in one of his separatist moments.
If you want a general overview of Arequipa just read this: "Arequipa is the whitest city in Peru". Wise words from Adolf Hitler, after his sexual exploration and visit to the moustache stylist Ebert.
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[edit] Underlying Jokes
For a better understanding of this article, as most jokes are for spanish speakers, these words will mean the following in this article:
- Arequipeño is the term used to describe the proud, self centered, close-minded, concited, white and tall, long long pennis men, etc. inhabitants of the People's Republic of Arequipa.They still to live in the more expensive areas of Arequipa, have DirecTV, studying in private high schoolS or universities , have a beach house at Mejia and hire security guards in order to take care of their daughters, to prevent that they cannot have a crush with an invading puneño and damage the family picture.
- Limeño is the term used to describe the wrongly portrayed worst enemies of Arequipeños. They are the inhabitants of Lima, ignorants, totally gay, coqueros and concited, the capital of travestis, Chela-land and Papi Tafur's domain, Peru. Because of the ignorance and poor educaton of Limeños, the people of Arequipa mishear the pronunciation and accent of Limeños, for example hearing them say pejjjjcado instead of pessscado, which is really the result of so much birdshit Limeños rubb on their teeth.
- Puneño is the term to describe some cholo sort of person, though not stricly cholo, that lives in the province of Puno, part of Papi Tafur's realm, Peru. In their close pure-blood minds, the Arequipeños believe that the Puneños are invading them and the ratio of Arequipeños:Puneños is coming closer and closer. What infamous General Vizcachú Jr discovered in 2056, the real reason why Puneños invaded Arequipa was because the white Arequipeño echonomic boom (instead of the every day more stupidity of lima, was a pussy magnet, similar to the one in the Hummer, according to Borat Sagdiyev.
- Mamacha or big fat hairy cholo woman is the term used to describe some random fat old cholo woman. A mamacha is usually an invading puneño, that to her great disappointment has been attracted by the magnetic force of the white Arequipeño. A mamacha has many used, and perhaps is the only specimen of Puneños people that has a valid use. In 1999, again infamous General Vizcachú Jr. discovered that when he squished the boob of a mamacha, a purple syrup came out. In his brillian birdshitted mind, he decided to mix it with water and, voila, chicha was made for the first time.
[edit] Brief as Birdshit History of Arequipa
The most immediate origins can be traced back to December 18, 1991, where in a march for the promotion of white birdshit exports, a Limeño bastard kicked the president of Arequipa's main party. This provoked a lot controversy and the Peruvian government lost a large-scale exporter of white birdshit. 73448 seconds later, the chilenos set out to steal the copyright of white birdshit, such as they did with Peruvian pisco.
As outcast white people started populating the city, they realized the richness of culture and shit. A group of wise monks decided to Fuck Dogs, while a group of nationalists started a hatred campaing towards Limeños and their accent, after a Limeño says "pescado", but the Arequipeño had his ears so full of shit that he heard "pejcado". These two historical events were recorded in a science classroom more than 94608000 seconds ago.
The shit of Arequipa prevailed for many more seconds, and 7.89436 shit-calendar days later, they entered World War XX, which provoked the downfall of the condor-shit dynasty and Arequipa itself, after the city was filled with buckets by peruvian troopers.
In the pure-blood mentality of Arequipeños, the puneños, inhabitants of Peru's province Puno, have invaded Arequipa. Some of this can be found true, because the demographics of whites and puneños are dangerously turning equal. However, it will not be long before they start a campaign against the accent of puneños, such as they did with limeños. Puneños are not strictly considered cholo, but their origin relates to Atahualpa
[edit] Arequipa in Wars
May the pidgeon-shit give us courage! Arequipa is a jigonist country. Its people don't care, but its leaders will go to war and then put their face of "chola justa resentida" if they loose.
Arequipa started with a war. But it was really a takeover. Peru didn't care: they couldn't care less about 12.8% of their population being white/resentidos/jigonist/communist/separatist/hawkworshippers, so they just let them be.
Then came the holy crusades, when the Jora army swpt throuh the coastal territoris, including Mejia, to cleanse it of buckets and no-believers.
Thousands of years later, they stupidly entered WW XX, which they lost after they were bombarded with buckets, 3 minutes after. This war also resulted in the destruction of Arequipa (but nobody really cares).
[edit] Army of Arequipa
The army of Arequipa, or Fuerza Popular del Halcón (FUPOHA), was createn on the 18 of december in 1991, to expel all Limeños and most niggers/cholos (hawk-shit-non-believers). They think they can beat Peru's army in a war but this was proven wrong in World War XX. It is divided into two main branches: The Army of Jora, and the Mount Misty Guard.
The Army of Jora is a collection of drunk farmers who like to sleep in the Plaza de Armas. They are respolnsible for defending the motherland and ensuring shit soverginity. It has 544 soldiers and 2 officers, both drunk 98.2593% of the time. They count with tin weapons and armour, enhanced to be toilet-resistant. Their main weaknesses are that they will disintegrate if they are hit with buckets. However they acquired anti-bucketlaunchingcatapults misiles from Austria-Pungary.
The Mount-Misty Guard is a select group of village rapists and pedophiles, under the leadership of the Momia Juanita. Their duties are to jump into a volcano in the eve of war.
[edit] The Pride of Arequipa
Arequipa is a new born nation, of the size of a mega-birdshit. They became independent for one kick, and they are proud to live in between of millions of tons of white Arequipeño birdshit, of the highest quality. In their weird socialist capitalist and anarchist fascist minds, they have a republic (with a president in office), but at the same time they have a dinasty, the one of the Condor-shit dynasty.
They are also proud of the cholo/black : white people ratio in their city, which would be around 0.000000014 : 19. They are not proud, however, of invading puneños. The ratio of puneños:arequipeños is 2:2.7 . They are taking it as an invasion, but what really happened was discovered in 2056, by General Vizcahú Jr. He realised that white birdshit was a pussy magnet, similar to the one in the Hummer according to Borat. Puneños were drawn from their punas in Puno and taken to the White City, to their great disappointment.
[edit] National Symbols
The flag of Arequipa can be clearly explained as being the result of crystal meth. In the background, we can see the image we would see anywhere in Arequipa: birdshit. In their birdshitted brains, the coat of arms in the flag is not the same as the coat of arms. Call it weird, but, hey, IT'S AREQUIPA! Well, in the coat of arms of the flag, we can see a big fatty chubby person with a long moustache, or as Oscar Wilde would say referring to Joseph Stalin's: MOOOUUUSTACHZZZ. In the border, we can see many hawks, as they are Worshippers of the hawk. Above, a bucket can be seen, with a hawk resting on top, and.... an empty flag...
The Official Coat of Arms of Arequipa is much more visually shocking and appealing to the general public of Arequipeños, and yes, some invading puneños. Instead of the random fat chubby moustachz bearing dude, there is the president of the People's Republic of Arequipa and all the birdshit in it. In the borders of it, the nations #1 export, birdshit, can be seen, with a holy yellowish aura. There is a big hawk, logo stolen from some random US team called -something hawks, and an announcing flag, similar to the US' in Bush we trust, but in the hawk we trust.
[edit] The People of Arequipa
The people of Arequipa are a unique race. The little cholos who live there are the only non-communists cholos in Peru, although Arequipa has the lowest black/cholo : white people ratio in Peru.
Arequipeños have some good bad ones qualities. Below, a list.
Bad Qualities:
- Too arrogant
- Too gay
- Too separatist
- Too ugly
- Too horrible
- Too many
- Too nationalist
- Too zoophilic
- Too convinced Limeños say "pejcado"
- Too full of shit
Good qualities:
- Their skulls are thick, so all the shit in their heads is unlikely to burst out and fill a poor dog with it.
- They don't have any more, so I will not waste your time nor mine in writing more!
Random Qualities:
- They like decimal points. Don´t feel sorry for them, they like their birdshit.
[edit] Famous Arequipeños
- Stoolman Mao Panda
- Pte. Alejandro Toledo's separatist personality
- Gollum (Smeagol lives in Lima)
- Pessssssssscado
- Gral. Vizcachú
- Ebert
[edit] Social Classes in Arequipa (According to a Arequipeño history textbook)
- The Bourgoise Whitey Arequipeños
These are the superior beings in Arequipa. They are patriot Arequipeños and will suicide before turning into peruvians. They have big houses but little money, and the don't work, as they just keep selling "invaluable" family heritage items. They are the proudest of all Arequipeños, the most ancient and wise, the leaders of the populace, just because their brain is 89% shit and 11% of pride.
- Mr and Mrs Arequipeños
Just as Nationalist, but with smaller houses and more money. They like money Many of them have joined the MS, as they can easily pass for Limeños undetected. Many have stayed in Lima. Most of them are owners of Mamacha Boob Squash factories nowdays. Their brain is slighty inferior to that of the Bourgoise, consisting 74% of shit, 6% pride and 20% Mamacha Boob Squash.
- The Natives
They are only respected for being the descendants of Mao Panda. They live in Mount Misty and have no money, although hey sometimes manage to nick something out of tourists. There is little to them. They keep to themselves. Boring, durnk and proud. Their brain is made up almost entirely of shit, 98%, 5% pride and 1.5% Mamacha Boob Squash.
- Arequipa: The Mob
Overunderstood. Nationalists and stupid. They are ususlly found milking Mamachas in factoris, or spitting at invading puneños in mass. Their brain is high in Mamacha Boob Squash, making up 33.3%, along with 33.3% shit and 33.3% Pride.
- Invading Puneños
Many of them become slaves, many buy their freedom, and many decide to just be illiegal. Most of they will pass as mob, except for one thing: their brain, which is more like a normal peruvian's, consisting 45% ceviche, 26% vicuña, 33% corruption and 1% nationalism.
[edit] Wildlife of Arequipa
Contrary to not-so-popular and mamacha belief, there IS some wildfe in Arequipa. Contrary to slightly-more-popular belief, there is little variety. There are very few animals, many plants which prepare some random junk that is currently being investigated due to the popular demand of another Arequipeño recipe.
[edit] Animals
- The NON-PERUVIAN Hawk
By far the most widely known animal in Arequipa, as it is a national symbol and a religious entity. They live near Mount Misti, occasionally nicking some money of the natives, and maybe eyes from tourists. They comein a variety of colors, from bright yellow, to grey. Their diet consists in tourist eyes, mamacha boobs, and the extremly-rare-in-Arequipa bird-food.
- The NON-PERUVIAN Condor
Doesn't really exist, but is widely known by tourists from photographs. THere were created by a pot-smoking Arequipeño, who was later on asked about this wonderous animal he described while in extasis.
[edit] Plants
- Kakti Zirranu
Not to be mistaken with the Peruvian "Cactus Serrano", the Kakti Zirranu is the only plant that Arequipeños have been able to erradicate from the rest of the world, so that they had a plant of their own.
[edit] Interesting Places in Arequipa
Arequipa is a state full of shit-filled places. From volcanos to beaches.
[edit] Mount Misti
The very heart of Arequipa, Mount Misti is an active volcano that could explode, but arequipeños don't care. They don't understand the diference between lava and shit, so they think its sacred. It is one of the most shit-filled places in Arequipa, and also the highest. Tourist that are stupid enought to trust an Arequipeño guide to the top of the mountain will be able to see the whole of the white city in its full shit, and will then be pushed into the volcano by a suspicious-looking hiker.
[edit] Cañon del Colca
The lowest place in Arequipa, this natural depresion attracts millions of tourists who come with the hope of seeing a condor, but will just get pushed over the cliff by a suspicious "guide" when they get close to the edge, after they hear a cholo native shout "oshy mira gringo! ay ta il kondor!" (Hey look you fucking albino, there's the condor!). Apart from a lot of dead albinos, the bottom of the cannyon is rich in shitting plants, which produce plant-shit, of a lower quiality than that of birds.
[edit] Mejía
The famous beach of Arequipa. All the Arequipeños who do counter-espionage in Lima spend their holidays here. As you may have already figured out, tourists who get to close to the edge of the sea will be drowned by a suspicious-looking lifeguard. The sea is home to the black shit-fish, also known as pejcado, and the white shit-fish, aka. Pescado, and the not-so-known grey shit-fish, also known as "q xuxa es eso?". The problem with the white sand beaches (product of the erosion of white birdshit rocks) is that the arequipeños, and yes, some invading puneños, bring gallons or botellones full of chicha, a drink made of mammal (boob) syrup of puneño women. This was discovered in 1999, by toddler General Vizcachú Jr. who got a purple liquid by squishing the boob of a mamacha. This is littering the beaches, and notable cat-disposer-to-the-Universidad-Agraria El Horje is abolishing the practice of mamacha boob squishing, while he practices cat-disposal.
[edit] History Mamacha Boob Squash
Besides majorly exporting white Arequipeño birdshit, the inhabitants of Arequipa also export chicha, a purple native drink. As it has been mentioned before, it is made by practicing the art of mamacha boob squash. As it is such a large-scaled practice in this birdshitted nation, it is worthy of a section on its own.
[edit] The origins of the practice
As you might have already known, the Arequipeño babies are born with a natural aversion against Limeños, as well as Puneños. These last did not have a use until very recently. In their crap-crammed brains, the Arequipeños were wondering why these poor cholitos were coming to their nation. In 1999, a member of the Burgeoise Whitey Arequipeños class decided to leave his kid, product of the union between her, Lourdes Flores Nano and General Vizcachú. Of course, we are talking about infamous General Vizcachú Jr. It was an early afternoon in mid-October 1999, were in the midst of boredom toddler Vizcachú Jr. decided that the boobs of her mamacha babysitter looked strangely squashy. He did that over and over again until a purple syrup squirted in his face. He was much surprised by this, and he spent the next 8 weeks thinking on that luscious mammal fluid. It wasn't until November 17th, 1999, were he decided to mix that syrup with water and Chicha Arequipeña was made.
[edit] Initial reaction of the public
When the toddler decided to come public on his discovery, there was a very warm reception to this. Every single Arequipeño went to the mamacha market and there was great battle across the fattest, hairiest, boobiest mamacha. But even though they tried, no one could do better than Vizcachú Jr. and his pet mamacha. He became the first and the best mamacha boob squasher in the nation, and became even more of an Arequipeño ass. For the next three years, there was brutal fight, resulting in the death of many overexploited mamachas. Their boobs got gradually deformed and there was even a cause of a boob explosion.
[edit] The Arequipeños lose sympathy for the practice
As much as Arequipeños are hated, we cannot deny that between all the birdshit and crap there is some sort of culture and care for the rest. When the famous case of the boob explosion happened, it was a riot for some time. Almost miraculously, and popular belief says that it was due to a divine message of the hawk, some indignation was brought up. Over the course of the next two years, the practice of mamacha boob squash was condoned and partially disappearing.
[edit] MREH: Movimiento Revolucionario El Horje
The MREH, or Revolutionary Movement El Horje, was a movement against mamacha boob squash. The very first publical action to stop the practice of the now infamous mamacha boob squashing was shown by El Horje, the personality already discussed above. Even though he claims to be of pure Arequipeño origin, in his metrosexual mind, we all know that her great-great-great grandmother, Azamatte Bagatov, was an invading puneño. In 2004, the first campaign against mamacha boob squash was carried out. There was a great bloodshed, resulting in the death of 4 Arequipeños. Popular belief says that as the Hawk God was angered, he sent drizzle in the form of birdshit rocks, which resulted in several broken heads.
[edit] The practice nowadays
Nowadays, mamacha boob practice is much less than since its origin. Apparently, the Arequipeños did listen to metrosexual El Horje, in his revolutionary movement. Arequipa lost its second largest export, chicha, as it is now officially banned. But which Arequipeño can resist the tempation of squashin some boobies! if they have a mamacha at home. Ilegally, it is still being practiced.
[edit] The Preparation of Chicha Morada
For the those whose curiosity has roused by reading the history of mamacha boob squash, below is detailed the ingredients and preparation, to be made in home.
[edit] Ingredients
- 1 Pure-blood Puneño Mamacha
- 1 botellón or big gallon of water
- 1 lemon (optional)
- Cinammon (optional)
- Chela, a.k.a beer (otional, for those coming out of AA)
- Your Mom
- 1 gypsie tear (optional)
[edit] Preparation
- Paper a room, as mamacha boob squashing is very filthy.
- Undress your mamacha, and gently squish the left boob. (NB: right boob will result in you being soaked in blood)
- Increase the strength and gently rock the boob, until a consistent purple syrup will come out.
- Ignore the moans and screams of a mamacha, its really not that painful!
- Collect the jet-stream of mamacha boob syrup in a container
- Fill a jar, cup or moustachz with 10 litres of water
- Mix 10ml of syrup per 10 litres of water thoroughly
- OPTIONAL: Squirt a lemmon and a bar of cinammon in the mixture, and watch it gently smoke.
- OPTIONAL: Add 500 litres of chela, or cheap beer, to the mixture and drink whole
- OPTIONAL: Skin Your Mom, humidify with a gypsie tear and add to the mixture
[edit] Results
If a purple consistent liquid is produced, CONGRATS! You have officially made your first jar of chicha. However, for this to happen, you must be a natural. Below are some secondary effects:
- Reddish, dilute liquid. First, try it. If it tastes digusting, then my suspicions were correct. You squashed the right boob, Mr. Intelligent. CONGRATS! You have officially tried your first jar of mamacha boob blood, and you have been infected with HIV! Ain't that great?!
- Another random mamacha materializing out of nowhere. Look at the bright side. You couldn't make a jar of chicha, but that is no reason for running off and becoming emo. You have now one more mamacha to practice with.
- A random irish (airish) dude saying hi. RUN AWAY! You have just met in person one of the many childs of the union between The monster of Loch Ness and Condolezza Rice. What you don't know is that he will lure you into his vagshin and you will become an official Invading Puneño. If you are Arequipeño, good for you, as even Puneños are better than you. If you are from anywhere else, there, a reason for running off and becoming emo!!!
[edit] In Conclusion
Arequipa is like a bucket of shit, but without the bucket.
