Pennsylvania

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Pennsylvania: The Quacker State The state flag of Pennsylvania
State Flower:	Mountain laurel
Official Languages:	English, French,
State Toy:	Slinky (100% true)
State Fish:	Whatever New Jersey has, we'll take
State Motto:	"We have Ben Franklin! Wait, he's dead? Damn it."
Nickname:	Transylvania
Currency:	U.S. Dollar, Cheesesteak
Principal Imports:	Trees, Quackers
Principal Exports:	Assholes (most of whom go to New Jersey)
Climate:	Warm Summers and Freakin' Cold Winters
AKA:	The Kingdom of Dracula

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Pennsylvania.

“You're not the first to get lost here while trying to find a state that matters”

~ Oscar Wilde on Pennsylvania

“Echo!...echo...echo...echo...”

~ A lost person in rural Pennsylvania

“Fuck!”

~ A lost driver in Pennsylvania

Pennsylvania (pronounced Tran'-Syl'-Vania) is a dark kingdom devoted to Dracula and home to the Aimish, Quackers, Satanists and very lost tourists, including you. Mwahaha.

Because Pennsylvania has claimed jurisdiction over this article, your ass belongs to Dracula. Not to worry; he's more interested in your neck and soul than your ass. And who knows, maybe you'll find your way out of this god-forsaken land before it's too late.

History

Foundation of the Kingdom

William Penn, the founding father of Pennsylvania, seems like a reasonable fellow. He grew up in England a productive and prosperous man. He was a pacifist Quacker who wanted nothing more than to have people of all faiths (especially Protestants and Catholics) to live side by side in peace.

Well, yes, he was quite reasonable during the day. But at night, Penn was a worshiper of Satan. He would secretly hold meetings with some other Quackers who were really undercover Satanists. During these meetings, children were burned, women were tortured, and the language of the Devil was spoken. As you can imagine, the neighbors were not thrilled by the noise. They sent a complaint to the neighborhood association, and warned Penn that if he continued to hold wild parties (they were quite obtuse), he could be kicked out of the neighborhood, and even England itself.

Penn knew he and his fellow Satanists couldn't stay in England, so one night they discussed the situation while roasting marshmallows over 2 burning corpses. They realized that there was plenty of land available in the New World, and that they could even try to establish a Satanist empire there. So, they decided to appeal to the King for a charter that would grant them land there. They agreed that their land, if granted, would be called "Pennsylvania" in honor of Transylvania, the home of Dracula (the son of the Devil). It was a perfect scheme; Transylvania was thought to be a place where Catholics and Protestants lived together peacefully. Naming the land "Pennsylvania" would make it seem that it would be used for Quacker purposes.

Little did the King (or for that matter, most people at the time) know of Dracula, and he fell for it. In the year of our Lord (where in Pennsylvania, "our Lord" is Satan...get used to the theme) 1681, King Charles granted Penn a charter for land from the Delaware River to the west. Needless to say, Penn was overjoyed by this, because he could now claim land all the way to the Pacific Ocean. However, realizing that this meant claiming land in Kansas, Wyoming and Utah, Penn decided to stick only with the land that is today the state of Pennsylvania. He might have been a Satanist, but he was no Creationist.

The Dark Force Rises

Shortly after their charter was granted, Penn and his followers moved to their new land. They knew that their dark scheme of gathering Satanists to take over the New World had to start out covert. Penn knew that an overwhelming majority of Satanists were either Aimish or Quacker. He hired advertisers to promote Pennsylvania to these people. Within a year, more than 1 million Aimish and Quackers had moved to Pennsylvania. Of this, an estimated 25% (250,000) were secretly Satanist. That would be more than enough to fight the other 750,000 people who did not believe in fighting.

[Satanists create distraction from actual plans by fighting with Maryland over border.]

Ben Franklin, The Savior

[Ben Franklin rises to overthrow the Satanists.]

Oh, The Irony

Before they were thrown from power, the Satanists wrote into Pennsylvania law that no money may be used from the state budget to construct road signs. They believed that this would eventually fuck Pennsylvania over by discouraging people from driving through the state. And then, when things were in a state of chaos, the Satanists could come back and take over the state once again.

Little did the Satanists know, however, that the road signs would be so lacking that people would not be able to leave the state. As a result, Pennsylvania's population and economic growth can largely be attributed to lost people deciding to settle in the middle-of-nowhere and start a family or business. This is how places like State College, Pittsburgh and Allentown were established. It actually makes sense. Really, who would want to live in these places otherwise?

The People

Aimish

Aimish who got their name because they start most conversations with I'm aim'in to.... (like: I'm aim'in to go gig me some crawdads or I'm aim'in to learn ya a good one if ya don't settle down, etc.). Mostly harmless.

Quackers

You might think that this article has misspelled "Quaker" every time. In fact, it is you who has misspelled Quacker every time. You see, the misspelling of "Quacker" originates from the French during the French and Indian War in the 18th century. When the Quackers were advocating peace between the French and English, the French only became more enraged by their efforts, and decided to call them "Quakers." That made the Quackers so angry that they decided to side with the English and kill any French or Native American who crossed their path.

Native Americans (Indians)

The Indians knowing which side of the bread was being buttered immediately fled the area or hid . Those that hid are still there today disguised as acorns, chestnuts, tree stumps, mud puddles, poison ivy and a few other things.

Franklinites

Franklinites are a diverse group of followers of Ben. They remain low key and in the background.

The Cities, and Other Locations of Interest

Pittsburgh

This city was named after the numerous dog pits in the area that Mr Penn would use to dispose of the bodies of the unbelievers.There is an empty pit that has remained open all these years, it has the name Brad on it. Who it's for, how long it's been there and when it will be filled are all maters of speculation.

Erie

The spirits of Dracula's victoms in Pennsylvania all gather in this area to moan and howl. When a city was build here it was called Erie for the erie noises. When Ben Franklin sent exorcists here they were never seen again.

Williamsport

People mistakenly believe this was named as a port for William. In fact It was named for the fact that William used it as a hunting preserve: William's sport (that sport being hunting unbelievers and were-wolves).

Lycoming County

This is the area around Williamsport named for the stray Lycanthropes that got off the hunting preserve.

Bethlehem

This city was a religious foothold established by the Knights of Cydonia to drive satanists away. They found this task to be impossible though due to the lack of road signs.

Hazleton

William Penn set up his mistress (wicked witch Hazle of the green hair) with her own town.

4 Chuthullu Churches, 2 burning incents or innocents on the bank of the Susquehanna.

Susquehanna River

Interestingly this river is named after one of the elder chuthullu gods. History shows others had the same idea as Penn and settled in what is now Pennsylvania to worship without interuption by annoying neighbors. The things reported to live in this river scare even the were-wolves.

Harrisburg

Named after Harry S. Burgmann the legendary Chuthullu worshiper who relocated his cult here. The skirmishes between the Chuthullu Cult and Penn's satanists were dark, dirty, nasty and ugly.

Philadelphia

This was not originally part of Pennsylvania, it was settled by some Greeks that were blown off course. They were worshipers of Aristaeus the god of cheese. What Philadelphia actually means in Greek is lost to the ages. The most common form of worship is the eating of the cheese steak. Penn being a lover of cheese steaks went to war (the war lasted 7 3/4 sec.) and captured Philly.