From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Now that that is cleared up I can begin educating you ignorant bastards on this very serious and sensitive subject.
The penis piranha has a very controversial, and largely douchebag-ish history, so bear with me.
In 1435 the practice of bestiality wasn't as common as it is with the sick people plaguing our society today. It was invented by a lonely dickface named Tedward E. Qwerly. One day Mr. Qwerly was suffering from depression because his obese, sweaty, alcoholic girlfriend dumped him, and he saw a piranha in a pond. In a single act of desperation, Mr.Qwerly took off his bellbottoms (they were totally 1420s) and whipped out his 2 incher, hoping the piranha would be as attracted to him as he was to it. The piranha, hungry for food, leapt out of the pond and latched on to Tedward's "johnson" and started Omnomnomming like an (insert racist fat person) at an all you can eat Denny's buffet. Mr.Qwerly, in some sort of freaky sexual bliss, managed to "release his load" into the piranha before it bit his "johnson" right off. Mr.Qwerly later died of "No-Dick-Itis", which is a disease more commonly found in women, but whatever.
Somehow, due to the irregular and somewhat freakish reproductive system of the piranha, it got pregnant (despite being male), and eventually had a piranha guppy, thus creating the first penis piranha. The mother/father piranha became famous for being the first pregnant male piranha, and abandoned the penis piranha at the young age of 47, leaving it to live in the basement eating Alphagetti and playing Halo 3 until it was evicted. Due to horrendous and unspoken hatred towards its birth... parent, the penis piranha began its Charlie Sheen-esque sexual rampage, snorting lines off women's bodies and eating a lot of Denny's buffets. After impregnating 46 female piranhas, the Penis Piranha died a tragic death, being crushed by a piano. And this is how the Penis Piranha Epidemic of 1487 began.
Although many penis piranhas work their way through college/university and try and earn a real living, many of them end up either in group homes, shitty apartments, or bums on the streets. This is the tragic life of a penis piranha. They usually sleep in shopping carts and breakdance on cardboard for tips, one of them tried to copy The Soloist and play a violin with two strings, but he just ended up getting sodomized by a goat. His name was Sean Connery, and he was picked on in school. 'Nuff said.
Despite the various lifestyles of penis piranhas (lawyer, doctor, mechanic, bum), they all have one thing in common, they all eat the same food: Vaginas. Thats right ladies, they eat vaginas. This is the cause of the controversy and sensitivity of the penis piranha, to be explained in another headline. Penis piranhas eat vaginas. That's as simple as it gets. One vagina is usually good to sustain a piranha for at least 4-6 weeks, during which time they father 76 children and smoke a pack a day of cigarettes. They prefer blonde's and brunette's between the ages of 18-36, but will settle if they can't do any better. They will eat all types of vaginas, although they do have preferences (for example dentist piranhas prefer hairy vaginas for teeth flossing). They will eat hairy ones, danglingly ones, tight ones, shaven ones, race is of no matter, although there are three exceptions to the vagina food chain. Piranhas usually tend to camp out in loose floppy vaginas for weeks to stay warm before their hunger consumes them and they eventually eat it from the inside out. Piranhas also will NEVER eat an STD infested vagina, nor will they eat a period vagina (to be explained in the heading "Protection"). As you can see Penis Piranhas are vicious, mindless, un-picky monsters, but they cannot be stopped, only fought against. Their favorite parts are the clitoris (comparable to a T-bone steak for humans) and the cervix (ice cream sundae). They tend to chew up the labia and spit them out for added douchebaggery, as they are too tough and fatty to digest.
Penis piranhas will eat almost any vagina, but they're are ways to protect it. Penis Piranhas are (like all men), insecure, and easily threatened, and they have a keen sense of smell (which is how they avoid period vaginas), and can smell the territory (or "turf") of another penis, be it piranha or not, and they will back the fuck away if they do.
Another, less pleasant way, is to get an STD. They will smell the infestation and again, back the fuck away. A third and final way is to bring Sylvester Stallone with you, his aids-like face is like living death to penis piranhas.
Other than that you're screwed.
edit Recognizing the symptoms of a victim
If you see a women walking around crying and bleeding profusely from her crotch, no, her boyfriend did not just dump her during a "heavy flow", she has just been the victim of a penis piranha attack, and is in fact missing a crotch. Also, if you see a woman lying dead on the ground missing her vagina, she too, has been a victim of a penis piranha attack. Living victims have at least 27.5 minutes to live before they die of piranha poison, so get them to the hospital as fast as fucking possible. The only cure for piranha poison is sex, so find a lonely homeless man who's willing to "take one for the team" and save this poor woman's life.
Many people believe penis piranhas are nasty, vicious, assholes. The scum of the Earth. These people are correct. Although many scientists are strangely (and prevalently sexually) fascinated by the penis piranha, they kill beautiful women in there 20's, women that lonely college frat-bastards could lose their goddamn virginity to, and therefore these douchebag piranhas need to be hunted down and burned at the stake until they are extinct, and preferably gang beat by multiple fat, ginger, retarded dickbags who are drunk and wearing wife beaters somewhere in between.
Nobody knows about the anatomy of the penis piranha except me and 3 other nameless friends of mine. The penis piranha looks like a fucking penis. Hopefully you can at least glean that from this article with your peanut-sized brain. But despite its penis-like shape, they also have multiple differences. For example, a penis piranha has a mouth where the urethra of a penis should be (for those of you who failed grade 2 biology, its the "pee-hole", dumbasses) with two slits above it for a nose and two triangular shaped, scary looking eyes on each side of its head. In the mouth there are 3 rows of sharp metal teeth, perfectly adapted to eating vaginas. These teeth are filled with a special vagina dissolving venom (piranha poison is the common term), this venom molests the human immune system like a priest on a choir boy. The only way to combat it is through sexual intercourse. After the mouth you will find an esophageal hole leading to the "stomach" of the penis piranha, which is really just a sac filled with acid where the food chills till it dissolves into liquid. This liquid then gets moved to the testicular-looking part of the piranha where it gets excreted through some godforsaken process, seeing as there is no hole there I don't get how this works but whatever. The piranha also has a dorsal fin and two pectoral fins for swimming. That's all you need to fucking know about the piranha's body. Dickface.
edit Hunting Techniques
The penis piranha typically waits until 3 am, during which time stupid drunk bimbos are walking home alone from the bar because they refuse a ride from the creepy guy who was checking them out (and also happens to have pills in his back pockets. Roofies in the right, and Viagra in the left, that's right, rapists can't get it up). During this time the Penis Piranha waits in the bushes for her to walk by, and jumps out, dissolving her layers of clothing with it's psychic powers, beating her with a pillow case filled with bars of soap until she cant move, and digging right in, completely devouring her vagina in about 20-30 seconds. The only way to avoid a Penis Piranha Sneak Attack is to listen for little whimpers like a newborn puppy coming from the bushes and skirting wide around that area, as Penis Piranhas are lazy bastards and hate running very far for their prey.
edit How to fight a penis piranha
Wear a condom on your head and rub spermicidal lube all over your body, or spray them with mace, or stab it with a knife (but only if you have professional precision or else they'll ninja flip around it and eat you anyways).
As you can see, penis piranhas are vicious assholes of a predator and need to be killed. Hopefully with your newly-found knowledge you can survive long enough to pass it on to your children, that is if you can get laid, asshole.
edit See Also
|It is requested that an image or images be included in this article to improve its quality.|