Penis
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“Mine has a mind of its own.”
“There should be a left leg and a right leg. And I'll be in between”
“Am I supposed to paint the penis? Am I supposed to sculpt the penis? Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?”
The penis is the primary functioning organ of a male human being, with the brain coming in a close second and the heart in a disappointing third. Penises, or penii, come in many shapes and sizes, all of which are useless to a man unless they are one specific shape and size.
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History
The Bible (Genesis) says that God removed Eve's penis and used it to create Adam. She never forgave Him, nor have her female descendants.
The Lithuanians claim that the penis is named after Lithuanian President Sukis Penis, a depressed emo who invented the penis in 1832 as a form of population control. Prior to that, people reproduced asexually and were starting to exceed the available food supply. This occurred during the Industrial Revolution, so the penis was soon mass-produced, and man grew so dependent on it that asexual reproduction all but ceased.
The British say the penis originated in the Pennines town of Penistone in South Yorkshire.
The foreskin
The foreskin is a colorful piece of skin that makes the penis look like the tip of an elephant's trunk. It gives off a pleasing aroma, and produces its own cheese, which is sold in stores as Ricotta. The foreskin tastes much like chocolate chip cookies. Reportedly.
Circumcision
Jews, who can never leave well enough alone, invented circumcision as a way of welcoming male babies into the world, by painfully removing the foreskin. The claimed benefits of this are as follows:
- It greatly pleases God, although why did he put it there in the first place?
- It represents a covenant, and one that does not require lawyers.
- It ensures that the person cannot masturbate without lubrication, which cannot legally be sold in Israel.
- It increases the chance of finding lost items that might otherwise have hidden under the foreskin.
Consequently, Jews have no foreskin. They are, like, naked down there. Many Jews have the foreskin sewn back on the body (usually near the chest or rectum) as a secret pouch to hold their Jew gold.
Muslims, who are copycats who don't always get it right, circumcise female babies, and sometimes female adults.
People living in the Eastern United States circumcise their male newborns. They are usually of neither of the above religions, but everyone else seems to be doing it.
Size
Many hours of careful, meticulous research of pornographic films reveals that there is not a penis in existence under 6 inches. The size of the human penis depends much on the gender. Females often have bigger penises than men, but this may be a trap.
The golden rule regarding penises is if "she" says it's too small, chances are, her vagina is just too large and floppy.
If the size of a penis is scanned, it will asplode, creating utter chaos and disabling the ability to edit Uncyclopedia.
Conditions affecting the penis
There are a number of conditions affecting the penis. This number is three. Two of the conditions are rare and minor:
- In the Andes, people taller than 5'3" are all afflicted with a disease that extends their foreskin to three times the length of the penis. A side-effect is a sudden craving for carrots.
- Zombie Crotch Rot is the result of sex with zombies. The most common symptoms are leprosy of the genitals, spontaneous circumcision, and acidic semen. In 1996, when Ecuadorean President Abdalá "El Loco" Bucaram accused his opponent of having "watery sperm," he may have been doing him the favor of giving a free, precise medical diagnosis.
Erections affect the penis
On rare but recurring occasions, blood rushes into the penis, engorging it and giving it a briefly impressive size. The blood has to come from somewhere, and that somewhere is probably the brain, based on consistent reports on the poor quality of decision-making that occurs in the few minutes after the start of an erection.
The conditions under which a person has an erection can help categorize the person:
- If this frequency of occurrence is proportional to the number of
- hot chicks in the room then the patient is heterosexual or straight.
- hot men in the room then the patient is homosexual or gay.
- male children in the room then the patient is Michael Jackson. If this cannot be true, the person is a Catholic Priest.
- female children in the room then the patient is Gary Glitter.
- men and hot chicks in the room then you just don't know.
- If there's a Disney cartoon playing in the room (or a live animal in some cases), then the patient is referred to as a furry.
The anti-erection
Conversely, blood may drain from the penis and go back into the brain. The man temporarily acquires extreme intelligence. He might not be able to use this intelligence, however, because he may be so alarmed that his penis has shrunk and sometimes been sucked up into the abdominal cavity. At this point, he may be officially female, as he appears to have no penis and to suffer regular, non-lethal bleeding. However, continued clarity of thought would cast doubt on the classification.
Penises as weapons
Humans have used penis swords from the Gay Age onward. Most men were proud of their weapons and they had mock fights with each other. They also stabbed the women repeatedly. The oldest penises found belong to the mesozoic era of homo erectus and date around 60,000 BC. No older penises have been fossilized. One exception is Your Dad whose penis is probably fossilized due to its lack of use for a LONG time.
The construction of longer penises became possible in the late 3rd millennium BC in the Middle East, first in flesh, then in hard skin. Then followed the development of the boner. Penises longer than 8 inches were usually classified as boners, though traditional boners had to satisfy a multitude of conditions. Boners longer than 25 inches were rare and not practical during the Gay Age, as at longer lengths, boners would bend easily. It was not until the development of stronger materials (such as rubber) and improved accuracy that boners became practical for use.
Modern development
The penis sword has evolved throughout the centuries, becoming a common household utensil throughout Europe. It was brought to the Americas in 1337 by Christopher Columbus, who reportedly said, "Bend down ye savages lest I give ye a hard dicking".
The European penis sword achieved the discipline to support slavery, with the European overlords holding out these erect, throbbing tools in a threatening way in response to any slave's attempt to flee. Eventually, the oppressed peoples developed penis swords of their own, and are even reported in some cases to have swords larger than 2 feet, without the need for rubber or additional support other than natural vigor.
To this day, the penis sword is a source of competition, usually unsheathed in events known as "dick waving contests", one example being the war in Iraq.
San Francisco swordfights
The "San Francisco swordfight" is an event at which young men compete, much as medieval knights used to joust for the populace on fair day. Despite occurring in a city where homosexuality is both a sacrament of the local Catholic diocese and a prerequisite for elected office, swordfighters prove that it's not gay for two men to play with each other's penis if you are doing so as a demonstration of machismo.
A motto of San Francisco for half a century has been, "Better living through chemistry," but recent developments in pharmacology have raised concerns that not all swordfights are on the level. Contestants in city-sponsored swordfights are usually drug-tested before each swordfight to ensure that they are not using artificial enhancement to their swords. The fear is that young athletes would be tempted also to use "the juice" to gain an unnatural advantage, at a cost of their health in later life.
Penises in the English language
As an exclamation
"Penis" can be used as a "sentence enhancer" to express any extreme. Some examples are: Wow! That head shot was penile! or looking down your pants and realizing you have nothing there (given that you used to be a man), exclaiming Holy Penis! I have no penis!!! Or the classic "This show would be so much better with penis + Anoos"
The language "Donglish" consists entirely of saying "penis", and when translated to English, it is always "PENIS!" In some societies it is customary to ring a cowbell whenever someone speaks dongish.
Words for..eh...em...PENIS!
Now that we have your attention, here's a few words for the penis...
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Some people prefer the personalised approach and invent a pet name for their penis. Less imaginative people source names for their penis from a penis name generator.
See also
- Horse
- Software
- Penis jousting
- Masturbate
- Public
- Problems
- Penis Mightier
- Penis penis Penis penis penis penis Penis penis
- Testicles
- Condoleeza Rice
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