Penguin Armies of Doom
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“Dude, where's my penguin armies of Doom?”
“In Russia...HOLY SHIT! They have nuclear weapons...and they are using Russia nukes against us.”
“Forward! Penguin Armies of Doom!”
“Oh God! They're shooting at me! Good Lord, drive-by! Help! Aaaaaargh!”
The Penguin Armies of Doom, also called the Imperial Penguin Army, are armies of penguins that used to be found only in Antarctica,and in your mothers pantry, but have since spread all over the world after their succerful conquest of the planet Earth.
Early Penguin Armies of Doom
The first Penguin Army of Doom was established in Quito, Ecuador in 18th century B.C., and was led by General Penggus Maxximus. General Maxximus was a trilingual, speaking Penguinish, Quecha, and Latin. At first, the small army suffered the pain of enlister deprivation. Soon, Colonel Penggus Minnorus (a rather uneducated penguin who spoke only broken Penguinish) came up with the brilliant idea of advertising, and posted these campaign posters all throughout Ecuador. Unfortunately, these signs were soon retired because the words "of doom" had been extracted, and too many non-evil penguins were enlisting. this resulted in the death of many inocent dolphins, the arch-enemy of most non-evil penguins. dolphins where merciless hunted down, and slayn before the eyes of the family, just to be shot to the moon. One simply can not imagine the horrible pain the dolphins must have been in, whilst there guts where leaving the body, in ways they where not ment to. It must have been horrible, HORRIBLE! And if a dolphin loving person would read this he would most certainly not like it. At all. he would be crying right now, because what happened to the poor litle dolphins was too damn painfull, and, oh, the awfull trauma they must have suffered, must be horible. HORIBLE! OH NOES, HOW THE POOR LIL BASTARDS MUST HAVE SUFFERED!
Modern Penguin Armies of Doom
Today, Penguin Armies of Doom are only found in Antarctica, as that was the only place where penguins could go and not be ridiculed by society. On some godforsaken rock in Antarctica is the sacred statue of Penggus Maxximus, where all members of the modern Penguin Army of Doom are required to sit in front of and stare blankly at for thirty seconds a year. If a penguin loses its concentration while doing so, it has to waddle eighty miles back to the coastline and try again next season. The PAOD is trying to recreate the lost art of alchemy. so far they have failed horribly, so horribly in fact they are trying to bring back Issac Newton from the dead just so he can tell them alchemy fails and thay can kill him.
Leaders Of The Penquin Armies
The Penquins have two distinct leaders and a number of various "Super-Penquins" (Captain Penquin, WolverPenquin, BatPenquin, CatPenquin, PenquinPenquin etc.) but these are basically Penquin versions of other Superhero's. The proper Leader's are king dedede and Feather's McGraw. There are also unsung heros such as faffy the first.(The first known penguin to fly. All of his children flew too.) And his first son Faffy junior.
Joint leader of the Penguin Army of Doom, Feathers is currently undergoing a peace talk with America. These ended abruptly last week when both the leaders, having drank copious amounts of beer, started hand to hand combat. Feathers got out by the skin of his beak but did give President Obama a nasty nick. Feathers is currently organising his armies in the South Pole but he sends regular threats of launching ICBM missiles to various parts of the globe in an attempt to scare other countries.
Don't be fooled by the fact that he looks like a fat puppet, this penguin is actually a deadly threat to all bearkind. King Dedede was born into a broken and poor family, and when his parents died in a freak accident involving two pinecones and a mallet, he enlisted in the Penguin army of Doom. Rising through the ranks quickly, he finally gained joint leadership after being infected by a virus that gave him lazor shooting abilities. Interestingly, hologram Arnold Rimmer, who was once King Dedede's right hand man, donned a red and white checked gingham dress and army boots upon being infected with a prototype of the virus.
One Dedede's more recent cohorts has been reputed to be Stan Lee, which would give credence to his decades long feud with Jack Kirby (although some speculate that Billy Mays is currently also under the influence of king dedede.).
King Dedede's whereabouts is currently unknown since his last battle with kirby, though it is speculated that he is slowly regaining strength to attempt once more to defeat his cunning foe.
Advanced Tactics, Training and Weapon Development
Until the 20th Century, the penguins still had very primitive training, tactics and weapons. Their military was one of the worst in the globe. The government, at that time, cared neither for the military nor for the penguin’s territory.
It's believed that the first highly trained squad of the Penguin’s Army Of Doom was Skipper's Squad. This squad was formed when it was demanded an act of espionage in 2008, by the president of Antarctica at the time, Mumble, which, after commoving the world with his history in the movie Happy Feet, won the elections with 60% of the votes (His rival was Pingu, who would later be nominated the absolute leader of the PAOD). He sent orders to King Dedede and Feathers McGraw to send their best squad to New York and do whatever they could to bring new tactics, new training methods and how to develop weapons of many kinds.
King Dedede wanted to send 12 penguins to the city, but Feathers McGraw said the humans would notice very easily that something was going wrong. He suggested sending a squad with 4 penguins. King Dedede accepted the suggestion and decided to send Skipper, Kowalsky, Private and Rico to the territory. This idea would prove being successful. Skipper’s squad arrived at New York acting like they were lost, the humans took them to the New York Zoo, they were not only good soldiers, but good actors: everyone in that zoo was fooled.
But after barely one year of espionage the government would demand a reconnaissance in the Island of Madagascar, because there was a possible formation of an Elephants Army Of Doom in that location. But for the lacking of funds this wouldn’t happen at that time, but in 2035. This fact was registered and turned into two movies: Madagascar and Madagascar 2, but luckily (at least for the penguins) the penguins weren’t noticed so much like the other actors were. This made McGraw very proud, they could be stealthy right in front of the eyes of anyone who watched that movie! These guys showed amazing skills!
They returned to the Zoo, and would end their espionage act in 2011. They came back to Antarctica piloting a stolen C-17 Globemaster III Cargo Plane from the USAF. Carrying weapons (including a Nuclear Warhead), lots of stolen blueprints, projects and a US SOCOM member who worked with the training of the soldiers, which would be interrogated and forced to teach military tactics for the penguins (Since they needed to learn it practicing, and not reading...).
After this act Skipper would be a Colonel of the PAOD, Rico would become a Captain, Private would now be a Sergeant and Kowalsky a Lieutenant Colonel (But their nicknames were still the same, don’t ask me why, I am not a penguin…)
It’s said that in 2014 the PAOD had over 10000 elite squads. All of them formed by 4 penguins. Some say that these squads were much better trained even than the British SAS and because of this the military strength of the Penguins grew very much. These events would lead to the Invasion and Conquer of Earth by the PAOD.
Invasion and conquest of Earth
In 2020, Ultimate Overlord Penguin gathered together the Penguin Armies of Doom and became the general of the entire Army. Touring all over Antarctica, the UOP made many vigorous speeches across the frozen continent, saying that the entire planet of Earth will have to be conquered by the penguins. UOP, leading his military penguin followers on marches all over Antarctica, shouted anti-bear slogans and roused the crowds into a frenzy. The penguins have hailed him as the most heroic penguin ever alive. However, there was a growing anti-UOP movement called the Penguins' Liberation Army (PLA), which just wants to get along with everyone.
In 2025, UOP and his force of 6 million penguins arrived on the South American continent and raided Rio de Janeiro, a large city in Brazil consisting exclusively of anti-penguin humans. As the drums rolled, and as chants of anti-human and anti-bear songs grew louder, the penguins stampeded everywhere, onto Copacabana beach, into the stores, into the run-down favela slums, and straight into people's residences. The UOP and his gang of avian hoodlums, looted the whole city and went on to their next destination - Washington DC.
In 2026, Ultimate Overlord Penguin, followed by penguins and even more followers (consisting of ostriches, sloths and a single disgruntled hippo), raided the White House and surprised George W. Bush in the middle of his sleep-talking. As hordes of penguins and assorted animals carried George W. Bush outside and dumped him into a drainage ditch, Bush was heard muttering to himself "I need a new job." And so the penguin forces continued.
By 2030, the situation had grown desperate. Forming an alliance of convenience, humans, bears, and falcons, lead by kirby marched against the dreaded armies of ostriches, sloths and penguins (the hippo had died in a tragic, yet somehow hilarious accident involving white chocolate and hydrogen.). After a gruesome, ferocious battle the penguin armies were defeated. Feathers was put into solitary confinement for life, King Dedede vanished once again and the UOP was banished, along with his remnant troops back to the Antarctic wastealands for genocide, destruction of property, and generally just being a huge dick.
NAPA's antartican invasion and start of war
In 2500, years after the NAPA SuperHQ invasion, The National Anti-Penguin Association (led by Darth Gluttonus) began a full-scale counterattack on Antartica for revenge. Millions of penguins were killed and billions were left homeless. This began an ongoing war and conflict between the two organization. Marshall Rico "The Gurgator" Penguin adressed Antartica that a war has begun, and numerous wars, such as Penguin War I and Penguin War II, begun. Blockades are docked near the countries of the world to prevent penguin access, and the PAOD began their own blockade. The two still have conflicts, according to Elephant lover Stephen Colbert, but this was just the beginning of a mass nuclear war.
The penguins started making many nuclear tests. After the Penguins Armies Of Doom nuclear tests, the world got apprehensive, the news were already talking about a possible Penguin War III. But the PAOD leader was found dead at his penthouse. His son Tux, the owner of the Linux software trademark was going to take his place. The world feared a possible proving of strength coming from Tux. He ordered the Penguins Armies Of Doom Armaments Research Industry to start developing the biggest nuclear bomb ever created, with Over 9000 Megatons of destructive power. The PAOD became the biggest threat in the history of Earth, bigger even than the iPods attempt to take over the world. Despite the expectative of the total destruction of the planet, Tux didn't launch this nuclear device on any country of the globe, he declared that before the war there was a need of really big tension, since the war would be registered by many cameramans from Hollywood all commanded by Steven Spielberg which was kept alive by a computer program, developed by the son of Steve Jobs in 2022, called iLife (when people got old they could guarantee virtual eternal life with this program). So as I said this was is going to be a movie, if I tell you what happens after this it's spoiler. But Hollywood let me tell about the trailer:
- "Penguin War III: The Revenge" Trailer:
Narrator: "After the Penguin Wars I and II, the world is about to witness, the third Penguin War"
NAPA General: "The penguins went insane after the nuclear tests, this is going to be the ungliest war in history*
Captain talking to soldiers: "Our order team, is to strike first their defenses, we need to take out those AA guns so our choppers can enter their airspace. Move it!"
Narrator: "A Steven Spielberg production"
Hero's Wife talking to him: "Please don't go! We have a family! Think about the kids!"
Hero: "I have no choice, I must defend not only our country, but the world! It's the only way to save we all! I need to go if I want to save the kids! They must have a future!!"
*Epic/Badass music again*
Random soldier: "DIE MUTHAFUCKA!!!!"
*More gun sounds*
Random soldier again: "DIE ALREADY MOTHAFUCKA!!!!!"
*And more gun sounds*
Random Soldier again...: "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? I EMPTIED THREEE MAGAZINES ON YOU ALREADY AND YOU DON'T FUCKING DIE!!!!"
*A soldier makes his first HALO jump and scream so dramatically that even make you feel chills*
*An explosion so big that everything gets black*
Narrator talking with a deep voice: "Penguin War III in 7D. Coming Soon. 2550."
Do Penguin Armies of Doom Attack People?
In short, yes. Penguins are known to attack NAPA soldiers, even sympathetic humans, on sight. They are also merciless hunters of bears, though often the bear will only lose out to swarms of the black-winged foes.
Some penguins, after the great conquest, have went into hiding. They have teamed up with Spartans and evangelical priests, and will go out of their way to convert or destroy sinful penguins. Recently, they have been hunting MasacoX and that Vegeta dude (and the rest of the naruto abridged cast) and will kill them for blaspheming against their holy crusade. Any sightings of these fanatics must be reported to the beararchy military elite immediately.
The Peguin Armies of Doom are equipped with a wide variety of surprisingly effective weaponry. To mention just a few:
- Linux Distributions
- Bowie Knife
- Hex Vision (When blessed by King Dedede.)
- Shi Shi Hokodan
- Chuck Norris
- Double Sabres
- Phychological Weapons (your momma jokes)
- They can also peck your eyes out
- A illegal copy of High School Musical
- Giant trouts, genetically modified to slap things to death with.
- Holographic Porn Distractions (you get the picture)
- Nukes (Only after 2500 a.C.)
Elephant Armies of Doom
In 2035, elephants in Africa staged a riot against the Penguin Armies of Doom. However, the penguins easily scared the elephants with packs of hairy mice. The elephants were so scared that they were seen spraying their pee up to a distance of 132 miles. Although the elephant rioters were successfully scared off, the new penguin residencies in Africa were unfortunately soaked with bad-smelling elephant urine; thus, the penguins were forced to move into underground caves with some surviving species of Homo erectus cave men because they simply couldn't bear the smell of pee for even 1/1,000,000 of a second.
Dolphin slaughtery and annihilation
Whilst reading "Early Penguin Armies of Doom", you must have been wondering, why, oh why, penguins hate dolphins so much. And that is exactly the question! the answer? We don't know, and can only give forth our suspicions. The most accepted theory is the "CIA - Circle Innane Aquatics" theory, which is based on the fact that penguins and dolphins live in the same waters. Also the fact that dolphins are far more adored, whilst not being half as cute as penguins are. On the other hand, the great war that has been raging between penguins and dolphins since 8263 B.C. might also cause some inconveniences.