Penguin

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
m (Reverted edit(s) of 82.47.147.58 (talk) to last version by Electrified mocha chinchilla)
m (Reverted edit(s) of 71.187.130.182 (talk) to last version by Anton199)
 
(40 intermediate revisions by 17 users not shown)
Line 3: Line 3:
 
{{Q|I am Morgan Freeman, and I am talking about penguins in a deep bass voice.|Morgan Freeman|penguins}}
 
{{Q|I am Morgan Freeman, and I am talking about penguins in a deep bass voice.|Morgan Freeman|penguins}}
   
'''Penguins''' (also known as '''Pinguins''' or '''Paingwins''') are a species of flightless black-and-white birds. To us, they are a cute but hostile species out to eradicate our world. To [[leopard seal]]s, [[polar bear]]s, and [[orca]]s, they are defenceless creatures put on earth to be eaten.
+
'''Penguins''' (also known as '''Pinguins''' or '''Paingwins''') are a species of flightless black-and-white birds. To us, they are a cute but hostile and genocidal species out to eradicate all non avian life.
 
 
== History of Penguins ==
 
== History of Penguins ==
   
Penguins are an [[Babylon 5|ancient alien race whose origins are mostly unknown]], but it is speculated that they were brought into existence at the dawn of time. Eons ago, Penguin kind engaged in a brutal war with the [[martian]]s. Soon the martian race was entirely wiped out, leaving [[Mars]] as nothing more than a lifeless red rock. Mars starred in many [[Troll 2|great movies]] after the incident, eventually taking up [[Ozzy Osbourne|alcoholism]] and falling into a deep depression.
+
Penguins are an ancient alien race whose origins are mostly unknown, but it is speculated that they are extra-galactic. The Penguins have returned to the Milky way, as they have always done every fifty million years, to exterminate all non-avian lifeforms. Why the penguins, do this will forever be a mystery as they are avian their goals and desires are unknowable. It is known that humans once had a interstellar empire spanning the Milky Way of its own at the peak of its power.
   
To the penguins, this was a victory. It was short lived, however. Being a [[republicans|genocidal warlike race]], penguins could not adequately deal with times of peace. Soon massive civil wars and rebelions began to erupt. Eventually the Penguin Empire fell. Most of their world were rendered [[los Angeles|uninhabitable]] by war. No one can say for sure what truly ended them. Some believe it was their [[christian|fanatical devotion to their god]]; Lord Guin. Others blame the [[Dick Cheney|corruption]] and [[Jimmy Carter|weak leadership]] of the Emperor. It will forever be a mystery.
+
Times were good back then - kittens and puppies had yet to start their endless, savage war, and penny-sweets actually were a penny each. However, it was gradually realised that a sinister beaked force was infiltrating our very way of life, and attempted to steal [[the bomb]]. Them-emperor of mankind [[Jesus]] realized humanity was facing inevitable defeat when he awoke one day to find the dread lieutenant penguin [[Satan]] had slaughtered his entire counsel and scattered his fleets. Desperate, he fled to the fortress world Terra, and negotiated a peace treaty with the [[bears]]. However, Ursine reinforcements came too late - the inhabited worlds had been consumed by the plague.
   
After the fall, [[Battlestar Galactica|a small fleet of refugees]] fled to earth, the only known habitable world. They crash landed at the [[North Pole]] and lived there until [[Santa Claus]] got tired of the squawking and screeching and drove them off by sicking his flesh-eating reindeer on them. The surviving penguins decided to migrate to the [[South Pole]]. Thousands of years later, they set up the [[Penguin Empire|Empire of Antarctica]]. Now they bide their time, waiting for the proper moment to bring Lord Guin back to the physical plain. [[cthulhu|When the stars are correct]] they will rise again.
+
Penguins are known to be ruthless in their attacks, especially against humans, puppies, and bears. They have already infiltrated the Antarctic and are actively planning their next move.
   
No one knows why they are doing this but it is speculated this cycle has been going on longer than we can fathom. We can never comprehend there goals or motives. Once believed as a myth in 1941-1945, penguins were considered to be working to destroy [[Hitler]]. It is now known that they are in fact [[evil|moraly ambigiuos]]. Since the fall of the [[Soviet Union]], they have been working with [[Chuck Norris]]. It is rumored that they caused the end of the world in the movie [[2012]]. In 2009 a young Danny Corey committed the first act of penguin rape. Luckily, the penguin was only a stuffed animal but still, that's fucked up.
 
 
[[File:Tux-viking.svg|thumb|An artist's impression of an early penguin.]]
 
[[File:Tux-viking.svg|thumb|An artist's impression of an early penguin.]]
   
== Penguin Anatomy ==
+
== Penguin Indoctrination ==
Penguins, despite common belief, could once actually fly. In fact the huge majority of penguins used to have a pilot's license, but because of economic issues and increasing background checks most just don't bother anymore. Due to their funny colours most other animals use them as tiny butlers, the penguin however does not like this and would usually peck them to death. Penguins have evolved flippers, webbed feet, and a torpedo-like body with which they can swim through the ocean collecting sardines and seafood. The penguin's brain is of a [[doughnut]] shape and is fitted around the single bone that stretches into its abdomen. Its four stomachs work in a similar way to a cow's, only penguins now prefer a diet of nachos and cola rather than their previous diet of grass, crack and sardines.
 
   
==Penguin mating and hatching==
+
Indoctrination is the term used for the "brainwashing" effect the Penguins and their technology have on intelligent beings. A signal or energy field surrounds the penguin, which subtly influences the minds of any individual in range. It was first reported by colonists on the fringe worlds, who claimed there was a "horrible noise" emanating from penguin dropships as they descended. It is said that even the interior of said dropships contribute to this; the strange angles of the rooms are confusing and make you uncertain of yourself. The effect seems to extend to Penguin artifacts.
Penguine mating is a unique and horrifying process. It is a little known fact that there are three genders of penguin: the male, female and glorp. All genders are involved in the reproductive process. The male stands up straight and the glorp positons its {{C|tongue}} at a 45 degree angle to the male. the female stays as far away as she can while still touching the glorp's {{C|tentacles}} and the male's {{C|penis}}. The glorp will then {{C|suck}} on the female while the male {{C|humps}} her upside down. Eventually the female will {{C|throw up}}, indicating that she is now pregnant with the offspring. The gender of the offspring is determined by whoever {{C|eats}} the female first. Afterward, the victor will soon poop out the egg containing the baby penguin (known as a blooger).
 
   
Penguin parents are known to carry eggs on their crotches to keep them warm and safe from hungry leopard seals, polar bears, and child abductors. The typical penguin will lay one egg, though at times, a single egg may contain multiple bloogers. One particular penguin egg was known to contain at least 103 bloogers. Usually, only one blooger becomes old enough to hatch out after eating the other smaller bloogers.
+
Indoctrination is one of the most insidious weapons the Penguins have in their arsenal; Human scientists describe it as a greater threat than reality TV. As history records show, indoctrinated slaves from conquered planets were used during the last Penguin incursion as sleeper agents. They were taken in by other Humans as refugees, then betrayed their own people to the avian menace. But the Penguins viewed them as disposable. When they moved on, the Penguins abandoned their indoctrinated slaves, leaving them to starve or die of exposure.
   
 
==The Penguin Invasion==
 
==The Penguin Invasion==
  +
 
{{main|Penguin Armies of Doom}}
 
{{main|Penguin Armies of Doom}}
Penguins and martians fought a war for the galaxy, and after a thousand years of war with quadrillions dead, the martian race was finally obliterated.
 
   
Unfortunately for us, the massive penguin invasion has only just begun. The penguins have infiltrated various important places including the White House, Russian Nuclear Missile Facility, NERV, My house, Kambar, The Great Wall of China, Switzerland, France (but the French have already surrendered), Tor Johnson, as well as their home base of [[Youngstown]] and their civilian colony in [[Antarctica]] is used to help raise their numbers here on Earth. They have also brainwashed some zoos into believing that they are harmless; unfortunately, they are also spying on the human race in zoos as well.
+
Penguins and Humans fought a war for the galaxy, and after a thousand years of war with quadrillions dead, the Human race was facing certain defeat.
  +
Unfortunately for us, the massive penguin invasion has only just begun. The penguins have infiltrated various important places including the White House, The Kremlin, NERV, The Great Wall of China, and various zoos across the world as well - they are also indoctrinating the human race in zoos as well. The primary fortresses are located at their home bases of [[Youngstown]] and their various colonies in [[Antarctica]], which are used to help raise their numbers here on Earth.
   
As a side note, the penguins have also attacked their own home base. Please remember that the penguins are intelligent beings and, therefore, invading their own headquarters is an absolute sign of intelligence. Penguins tend to plot very secretively. If you see a penguin just standing around looking innocent, or if you see a group of penguins all heading in the same direction, call The Office of Protection From Penguins, because this could be and most likely is a sign that they are plotting something. The number should be listed in your local phone book.
+
[[File:Funny_pic.jpg|thumb|The cuteness of penguins makes them perfect for advertising.]]
   
== Penguin Spyware ==
+
== Sovereign ==
  +
{{Q|We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Before us you are nothing. Millions of years after your kind has been eradicated and forgotten we will endure.|Sovereign|the human race.}}
  +
{{Q|Your words are as empty as your future.|Sovereign|Jesus.}}
  +
All penguins worship the master penguin, a living god known as Sovereign. It is unknwon when it was brought into existence. Sovereign created his evil race in his image with all of his hatred of life put in them. One especially hated human was Jesus. Sovereign would meet his match when he invaded the Milky Way. He saw humans as the only force that could stop him. Humans fought fiercely under the living god among humans known as [[Jesus]], who stood in Sovereign's way of galactic genocide but unfortunately Jesus died in his final act to save mankind.
   
{{Maybe|Linux}}<br/>
+
Towards the end of the Milky Way War. Sovereign's physical form was destroyed by The Divine Blast of Jesus. This was a tragic loss for the penguins, but it did not completely defeat them. Now he watches over them in his ethereal form, guiding the Empire of Antarctica. Many followers still say Sovereign is immortal, ruling in a hidden area, supposedly known as the dominion of Sovereign which is a twisted perversion of the earth.
In their constant attempt to destroy all humanity and rule the earth, penguins have developed special mind control spyware designed to control your mind, in case you haven't figured that out. They would place this spyware into regular stores, and when someone bought it, it would be activated and the person would soon become yet another penguin minion. Spyware includes stuffed animals, [[Club Penguin]], various movies (''March of the Penguins'', ''Happy Feet'', ''Surf's Up''), and sardines. You must be careful with anything that seems related to penguins in any way, shape, or form: Cute and Cuddly!
 
 
== Penguin Sympathisers And Spies ==
 
Unfortunately many human beings, especially children, have been attracted by the ''cute and cuddly'' image of penguins. These dupes are captured and turned into penguin husk; they are no longer human and become slaves that follow their penguin overlords with blind obedience. The former children among them have been spotted to have minor defects such as retardedness, obesity at an early age, beak growth, and intriguing hunger for fish. Keep in mind that they are no longer children but spies to steal all of our land. Remember "this land is your land, this land is my land..." - you know the rest. Do not worry, civilians, we have special operatives on the case. This list includes George Carlin, James Bond, Goku, Bears, Bernie Mac, Hitler (doing something constructive at last), and that guy who wrestled crocodiles (we honor the deceased).
 
 
:*Do not approach these "children", for they are known to be armed with acidic snowballs. Where they got these balls, nobody knows. Maybe one of them came off [[Anne Coulter]].
 
 
[[File:Funny_pic.jpg|thumb|The cuteness of penguins makes them perfect for advertising.]]
 
 
== Lord Guin ==
 
{{Q|We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Before us you are nothing. Millions of years after your kind has been eradicated and forgotten we will endure.|Lord Giun|the human race.}}
 
{{Q|Niggas don't laugh at me, I laugh at niggas.|Lord Guin|niggas.}}
 
All penguins worship the master penguin, a living god known as Lord Guin. [[Unicron|He was brought into existence at the birth of all time]]. His gender will forever be unknown, but all who hail refer to Lord Guin as a "he." He attended college along side [[galactus|other]] [[Xenu|ancient]] [[Azathoth and Nyarlathotep|cosmic]] of [[Rosie O'Donnellum|unimaginable horror.]] It was during this time that he met his long-time lover, Mr. Guin. Mr. Guin also goes by the alias Alex Gaskarth, the lead singer of the band All Time Low. The inseparable couple had both children and grandchildren, who are a hybrid of half penguin, half cat, and part gawd descent. His son, known as Negro Nanasaki, is Lord Guin's full-time bodyguard and slave. Negro fetches fish and refreshments for him, and even takes parts in Guin's ingenious schemes.
 
Lord Guin created his evil race in his image with all of his hatred of humans put in them. One especially hated human was Kyo of Dirgensia. They fought a plethora of battles, always ending in draws, until one fatal mistake was made by Kyo. This mistake being falling in love with Negro Nanasaki. Lord Guin saw this as an opportunity to win this everlasting war between he and the barbarians. With Kyo being distracted by this newfound interest in Guin's treasured slave/bodyguard, Lord Guin got the upperhand and defeated his army. They worshiped Lord Guin as a god and his power grew. Soon, he grew to dominate the Arctic galaxy but a [[Pingu|splinter group emerged from the penguins]], and a civil war erupted, but they were crushed in a matter of months. However, in doing so much of their galaxy was destroyed, so penguins set fourth to conquer unknown galaxies, and so it began. Lord Guin would meet his match when he invaded the Milky Way. He saw humans as the only force that could stop him. Humans fought fiercely under the living god amongst humans known as [[Jesus]], who stood in Lord Guin's way of galactic domination but unfortunately Jesus was captured and put to death, or so Lord Guin thought, but he was foolish. Jesus never truly died and we await his return.
 
Towards the end of the Milky Way War, Lord Guin was defeated. His physical form was destroyed by a [[Dragon Ball Z|power plasma blast cast by the Human's most powerful warrior.]]
 
This was a tragic loss for the penguins, but it did not cost them the war. Now he watches over them in his etheral form, guiding the Empire of Antarctica. Many followers still say Lord Guin is immortal, ruling in a hidden area, supposedly known as The Land of Lord Guin.
 
   
 
== Modern Warfare ==
 
== Modern Warfare ==
 
[[File:PenguinSlap-1.gif|thumb|Evil penguin [[bitch slap|bitch slapping]] his victim]]
 
[[File:PenguinSlap-1.gif|thumb|Evil penguin [[bitch slap|bitch slapping]] his victim]]
Penguins and humans have fought in space, land, sea and air. They have become flightless nowadays because of man's recent tampering with a genetics bomb that destroyed the gene that made them fly. With humanity's space fleets wiped out in the Milky Way, all fighting is set in resistance pockets on the few remaining inhabitable worlds like Earth. Some say the human fleet was not [[The game|lost]] but resides on the fringe of the galaxy awaiting the return of Jesus, Luke Skywalker, and Master Chief to return to earth and cleanse the penguin population and rebuild-and-take-over-Reach-and-Alderaan. Also [[Gordon Freeman]] will use a teeter-totter and several weights to lift himself off the ground to put a plug in the wall to activate the teleporter to return Jesus to earth. [[Club penguin]] is just a coverup for the whole operation.
+
Penguins and humans have fought in space, land, sea and air. They have become flightless nowadays because of man's recent tampering with a genetics bomb that destroyed the gene that made them fly. With humanity's space fleets wiped out in the Milky Way, all fighting is set in resistance pockets on the few remaining inhabitable worlds like Earth. Some say the human fleet was not [[The game|lost]] but resides on the fringe of the galaxy awaiting the return of [[Jesus]] to return to Earth and cleanse the penguin population and rebuild.
   
 
== The Prophecy ==
 
== The Prophecy ==
A prophecy was told by the [[Church]] that Lord Guin would return. In the year 3009, great battle will occur on Earth that will determine the fate of the galaxy. [[Jesus]] and Lord Guin will do battle while the armies of humans and penguins will engage in their final battle. The battle will destroy much of the planet and blood will flow but humans will accept defeat. As Jesus remembers Lord Guin and establishes terms with the help of [[Gene Simmons]] and [[Ace Frehley]], they will begin to rebuild the human interstellar city and the seat of this new empire will be Earth. Then they will give mankind their blessing to set forth and conquer the stars, and [[zoo]]s everywhere will release leopard seals to hunt down remaining penguins. Then the universe will fall under the iron fists of leopard seals, thus sparking another great battle. Now where did I leave my [[seal clubbing|seal club]]?
+
A prophecy was told by the [[Church]] that Sovereign would return. In the year 3009, great battle will occur on Earth that will determine the fate of the galaxy. [[Jesus]] and Sovereign will do battle while the armies of humans and penguins will engage in their final battle. The battle will destroy much of the planet and blood will flow but humans will be victorious. As Jesus slays Sovereign and establishes terms with the help of [[Gene Simmons]] and [[Ace Frehley]], they will begin to rebuild the human interstellar city and the seat of this new empire. Then He will give mankind his blessing to set forth and conquer the stars, to hunt down remaining penguins. Then the universe will fall under the iron fist of the Imperium of man.
  +
  +
== The Truth ==
  +
  +
Recently the true origins of Penguins have been discovered - a small star cluster that orbits the small Magellanic Cloud is home to the nefarious penguin empire. It is speculated that the penguins first scoured that small cluster of stars with their terrible indoctrination techniques and razor-sharp beaks, before turning a beady eye to the great Milky Way next door. Scientists even now prepare to chart a course there in an effort to stem the tide of evil.
   
 
== Related pages ==
 
== Related pages ==
 
*[[Puffin]]
 
*[[Puffin]]
 
Considered by some as the penguins of the North. Penguins envy them for their ability of flight and plan to kill them as well as humans.
 
Considered by some as the penguins of the North. Penguins envy them for their ability of flight and plan to kill them as well as humans.
*[[User:Platypush/The Penguins of Madagascar|The Penguins of Madagascar]]
+
*[[The Penguins of Madagascar]]
 
One of the many secret penguin organizations working to enslave the earth.
 
One of the many secret penguin organizations working to enslave the earth.
 
*[[KFC|AFP (Antarctic Fried Penguin)]]
 
*[[KFC|AFP (Antarctic Fried Penguin)]]

Latest revision as of 21:05, June 11, 2014

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Linux?
Krazypenguin

Penguin HAXXORZ!!!

“I am Morgan Freeman, and I am talking about penguins in a deep bass voice.”
~ Morgan Freeman on penguins

Penguins (also known as Pinguins or Paingwins) are a species of flightless black-and-white birds. To us, they are a cute but hostile and genocidal species out to eradicate all non avian life.

edit History of Penguins

Penguins are an ancient alien race whose origins are mostly unknown, but it is speculated that they are extra-galactic. The Penguins have returned to the Milky way, as they have always done every fifty million years, to exterminate all non-avian lifeforms. Why the penguins, do this will forever be a mystery as they are avian their goals and desires are unknowable. It is known that humans once had a interstellar empire spanning the Milky Way of its own at the peak of its power.

Times were good back then - kittens and puppies had yet to start their endless, savage war, and penny-sweets actually were a penny each. However, it was gradually realised that a sinister beaked force was infiltrating our very way of life, and attempted to steal the bomb. Them-emperor of mankind Jesus realized humanity was facing inevitable defeat when he awoke one day to find the dread lieutenant penguin Satan had slaughtered his entire counsel and scattered his fleets. Desperate, he fled to the fortress world Terra, and negotiated a peace treaty with the bears. However, Ursine reinforcements came too late - the inhabited worlds had been consumed by the plague.

Penguins are known to be ruthless in their attacks, especially against humans, puppies, and bears. They have already infiltrated the Antarctic and are actively planning their next move.

Tux-viking

An artist's impression of an early penguin.

edit Penguin Indoctrination

Indoctrination is the term used for the "brainwashing" effect the Penguins and their technology have on intelligent beings. A signal or energy field surrounds the penguin, which subtly influences the minds of any individual in range. It was first reported by colonists on the fringe worlds, who claimed there was a "horrible noise" emanating from penguin dropships as they descended. It is said that even the interior of said dropships contribute to this; the strange angles of the rooms are confusing and make you uncertain of yourself. The effect seems to extend to Penguin artifacts.

Indoctrination is one of the most insidious weapons the Penguins have in their arsenal; Human scientists describe it as a greater threat than reality TV. As history records show, indoctrinated slaves from conquered planets were used during the last Penguin incursion as sleeper agents. They were taken in by other Humans as refugees, then betrayed their own people to the avian menace. But the Penguins viewed them as disposable. When they moved on, the Penguins abandoned their indoctrinated slaves, leaving them to starve or die of exposure.

edit The Penguin Invasion

Penguins and Humans fought a war for the galaxy, and after a thousand years of war with quadrillions dead, the Human race was facing certain defeat. Unfortunately for us, the massive penguin invasion has only just begun. The penguins have infiltrated various important places including the White House, The Kremlin, NERV, The Great Wall of China, and various zoos across the world as well - they are also indoctrinating the human race in zoos as well. The primary fortresses are located at their home bases of Youngstown and their various colonies in Antarctica, which are used to help raise their numbers here on Earth.

Funny pic

The cuteness of penguins makes them perfect for advertising.

edit Sovereign

“We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Before us you are nothing. Millions of years after your kind has been eradicated and forgotten we will endure.”
~ Sovereign on the human race.
“Your words are as empty as your future.”
~ Sovereign on Jesus.

All penguins worship the master penguin, a living god known as Sovereign. It is unknwon when it was brought into existence. Sovereign created his evil race in his image with all of his hatred of life put in them. One especially hated human was Jesus. Sovereign would meet his match when he invaded the Milky Way. He saw humans as the only force that could stop him. Humans fought fiercely under the living god among humans known as Jesus, who stood in Sovereign's way of galactic genocide but unfortunately Jesus died in his final act to save mankind.

Towards the end of the Milky Way War. Sovereign's physical form was destroyed by The Divine Blast of Jesus. This was a tragic loss for the penguins, but it did not completely defeat them. Now he watches over them in his ethereal form, guiding the Empire of Antarctica. Many followers still say Sovereign is immortal, ruling in a hidden area, supposedly known as the dominion of Sovereign which is a twisted perversion of the earth.

edit Modern Warfare

PenguinSlap-1

Evil penguin bitch slapping his victim

Penguins and humans have fought in space, land, sea and air. They have become flightless nowadays because of man's recent tampering with a genetics bomb that destroyed the gene that made them fly. With humanity's space fleets wiped out in the Milky Way, all fighting is set in resistance pockets on the few remaining inhabitable worlds like Earth. Some say the human fleet was not lost but resides on the fringe of the galaxy awaiting the return of Jesus to return to Earth and cleanse the penguin population and rebuild.

edit The Prophecy

A prophecy was told by the Church that Sovereign would return. In the year 3009, great battle will occur on Earth that will determine the fate of the galaxy. Jesus and Sovereign will do battle while the armies of humans and penguins will engage in their final battle. The battle will destroy much of the planet and blood will flow but humans will be victorious. As Jesus slays Sovereign and establishes terms with the help of Gene Simmons and Ace Frehley, they will begin to rebuild the human interstellar city and the seat of this new empire. Then He will give mankind his blessing to set forth and conquer the stars, to hunt down remaining penguins. Then the universe will fall under the iron fist of the Imperium of man.

edit The Truth

Recently the true origins of Penguins have been discovered - a small star cluster that orbits the small Magellanic Cloud is home to the nefarious penguin empire. It is speculated that the penguins first scoured that small cluster of stars with their terrible indoctrination techniques and razor-sharp beaks, before turning a beady eye to the great Milky Way next door. Scientists even now prepare to chart a course there in an effort to stem the tide of evil.

edit Related pages

Considered by some as the penguins of the North. Penguins envy them for their ability of flight and plan to kill them as well as humans.

One of the many secret penguin organizations working to enslave the earth.

An unexplained part of the prophecy of what will happen to most of the penguin race after the chickens are wiped out. But you won't be eating there. You will be working there as a slave, making delicious fried penguin dishes for your leopard seal rulers.

Another cute and cuddly creature that will kill you.

Personal tools
projects