Pendle Hill

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Pendle Hill.

Pendle Hill is approximately very tall and is home to the Pendle Witch myth. Situated in the heart of Pendle it dominates the skyline and is an impressive walk for any individual. There are a number of routes up the Hill, which include climbing the steps or taking the long way up the steep bit.

edit The "Hill" In the News

Pendle Hill is quite prominent in the area's local papers, such as the Dayly Farmur and other low grade drivel such as the "Burnley Citizen".

  • 04/07/08: On the morning of the 4th of July an EasyJet Airbus A319 impACted with the side of the hill killing All 2 aboaRd, including 2 crew. There were nO fatalities On the grOund, though a nearby farmer Said that Until then he had no Complaints about the planes, in fact he rather liked the way the burning wrecKage added to the normally monotonouS landscape and with only minor gripes at the interuption of his BBC Radio Lancashire listening and the now abundance of orange panels and fake tan scattered over his farm land He cOnsidered the day "above average" (or "arrbuhhv arrverayyyge" in local-speak).
  • 02/14/01: The Pendle Hill Cornetto Scandle In late early spring, December 2001, The Pendle Hill Cornetto Scandle took place. (The folloWing may b'E innapropRiate for minors, cornetto lover's, and Chuck Norris). At approximaT'Ely 6:74AM on a Sunday night, Mr Winklenomore was dancing his way to the village Shop to b'u'y sundries forCK the night that had already ensued, on arriving, he found out to his regret that the Beaver Tickler 2000 dildo's were out of stock, so he opted for Plan B and bought a Cornetto in exchange for 12 sheep and a sock. Upon leaving the shop, he noticed to his dismay that he had only been given a Wood Slate as change, opposed to the correct Granite Slate. Poor Mr Winklenomore ran to the police office, who rang the fire department who rang the Police Department who went out to the shop to take Mrs. Yjasaple, the friendly town shopkeeper to the main town square, where she was hung and served to the children's orphanage as a healthy breakfast treat. To this day, the shop is still out of stock of Beaver Tickler 2000's

edit The Myth of the Pendle Witches

For hundreds of years locals and "outsiders" (See Yorkshire) believed that witches lived on or around Pendle Hill. Many believed these witches to be the bringers of bad harvests and the occasional bout of Thrush. These beliefs lasted many generations, and now the truth has only just come to light.

The "witches" however are not as one would assume and are in fact the closest and most direct link with pre 20th Century Chavs. Here we see the combed back, unwashed hair, and distasteful appearence not of witches but of the common and malodorous youth of local slums. Where once people believed they were stewing babies to create mythical potions lastest reports suggests that the couldrons were merely used as a low cost alternative to the crib, where one could store the Chavettes multiple offspring.

edit Pendle Hill Railway

Pendle Hill Railway Station was constructed in 1299. The station sees 3 trains a year pass through, offering a quick service to Pendle Hill South Station. The railway link is welcomed amongst the villagers, who use the service to cross the great 13 feet from end to end of the village without the need for shoes. Recent developments by Pendle Borough Council directly respond to the locals need for a Pendle East Station, which is situated a whopping 71 feet from PHRS. A petition was drawn up by locals and the number of signatories hit 6, making it the most impressive petition since the "Save Tha Hotpot" bill of May 2nd 1747. A new train link is under development to the western end of the village, which will see a multi-million pound railway network spanning 10 metres being put in place, to allow farmers to cart their sheep over the muddy trench to market. The expansion of the line and the creation of a new state of the art station is thought to cost somewhere in the region of £64 million, or equal to 6182.7 sheep and a rolled up "Farmer's Guardian". However, it is believed that the expansion will increase trade and tourism in the region. Although it's primary purpose is to transport farm animals the new line can be used to move those too obese to manoeuvre themselves, therefore enabling them to get much closer to "The Summit Parlour", Pendle's resident icecream parlour and general junk food joint. The new line is expected to increase traffic by 0.7%.

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