Pelican
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“Bills, bills, bills. You know, sometimes I feel like a pelican: wherever I turn I've always got this great big bill in front of me!”
“It is permissible to have sex with a pelican, but from that day on one must not eat any fish from its bill.”
The Pelican is a genetically engineered bird, designed to deal with the increasing pigeon infestation the world is currently suffering. They can usually be found in large numbers on beaches, roadsides, and under beds.
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[edit] Sean Devlin
Sean is famously known around the world (specifically in Sweden) for making wooden pelicans in wood-shop which he sells to the government as preliminary models. He annually gets paid an undisclosed amount of flashlights. Sean was assassinated on April 23, 2008 by Lee Harvey Oswald.
[edit] Frank Critelli
He is a mysterious man who collects Pelican memorabilia. He is most noted for recently obtaining the Maltese Pelican, a statue made out of solid gold, valued at approximatively $250 million. It is rumored that he has hidden somewhere in his desk at school. However no one has seen or heard from him since he escaped from Alcatraz.
[edit] History
Kyle Nowakowski was the name of the first built pelican from an older bird called the Pelian - it was originally going to be named "The Terminator 1," but was shortened to "Pelican" after it was decided to charge for trademarks by the letter. Alternative names suggested were "Pelian-X," "Super Pelian" and "Pigeon Pulverizer," but these were rejected by the developers for "being just plain retarded."
The main improvement that the Pelican has over the Pelian is obviously the fact that it can eat pigeons, as well as being larger, faster smarter and all around cooler. The Pelican's fish-eating support was also improved from the Pelian which, even though it lived in the wild, was only capable of eating canned tuna.
The first Pelicans were employed in St. James' Park in London, where they have proven very effective at reducing the park's pigeon problems. Plans are currently underway to introduce them to Trafalgar Square next, and should they be as successful there, they will be introduced to the rest of the country. Pelicans have been on sale to individuals for a while now, with the RRP being $999 per bird.
Some have expressed doubt at the Pelican, saying that we will eventually see a Pelican infestation that will dwarf the current pigeon population. However, such people tend to think that biological warfare is also a bad idea, and as such their opinions can be safely ignored.
[edit] Models
- Brown Pelican - the earliest Pelican design, was never employed as a production model. Pretty unremarkable all around, really, but it got the job done.
- White Pelican - featured an improved Pigeon consumption rate, larger pouches and had proper support for flying. The first production model, and one of the most popular.
- Pink-Backed Pelican - functionally identical to the White Pelican, but in a pleasing shade of pink. Popular with the ladies, and a favorite Valentine's Day gift.
- Australian Pelican - a special model, created for the emerging market in Australia. Because Australian Pigeons are highly poisonous, this Pelican has been designed to be immune to the poison. As a side-effect, it has also proven popular as a method of disposing of the honking great big spiders found in the outback.
- Lucus Pelicanus - famous for its permed tuft and is said to have migrated from Hove, not Brighton actually. An easily alarmed form of the original, often confusing itself of being a "heron". Wreaks havoc with electrical equipment.
- Battle Pelican - No one knows if they exist but one is said to be capable of leveling a whole city.
- Oscar Wilde Pelican - a pelican sent from the future to destroy man instead of pidgeonkind. Luckily, John Wilkes Booth was brought back from the past to do what he did best: shoot pelicans.(Especially ones disguised as presidents.) Anyway, the two did battle atop Mount Everest in a huge catclysm of epic proportions, and luckily for mankind, Booth emerged victorious.
- Ky-ill the pelican- the newest model of the pelican that was just so recently invented. It got it's name from the master creator of the pelican, Kyle Nowakowski (Ky-ill the illest raper around). It is fully equipped with a toaster(for fresh toast), a time machine, a radio, and a fresh bag of skittles (for attracting pidgins).
- Vietnam Vet. Pelican- specifically designed for combat in the Vietnam War. This model is equipped with a steel beak and an impenetrable helmet.
- Pelicant - It does nothing a Pelican.
