From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 12:35, June 14, 2012 by (talk)

Jump to: navigation, search
Pele arg

Pelé after France 1-0 Brazil in Germany World Cup.

“Pelé is king of the soccer field. To be king of your kitchen, use Crestfield Wax Paper.”
~ Pelé on his godly wisdom.
“Isn't he the one who plays football?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pelé

Pelé Crack-Bumba-Chumba-Wumba Norris (neé Pelé, c 1940-Infinite) was a Brazilian Latino superathlete of stunning and heroic proportions. He was also the 15th reincarnation of Jesus Christ, after Matt Le Tissier and Marco Materazzi. Pele also played professional Ice Hockey under the name Bobby Orr, and American football under the name Randall Cunningham. Pele was a player who could school anyone. He could teach them math, geometry, and even social economics.

Impoverished childhood

Pelé was born in 1941 in the middle of the Amazon jungle with congenital lastnamelessness and a funny accént to impoverished Brazilian nut growers. In a futile effort to overcome his debilitating childhood conditions, he invented the sport of football in 1969, but had to quickly change the name of it to "Bongo!" after the NFL sued the shit out of him for trademark™ infringement. Later we have found out that Bongo! soccer was actually invented by some Chinese guy named Mental Lee-Ill in 12 BC. He then later found out that he had 3 ears the extra was on his ass this is what leads him into stabbing germanys president metatarsal dumbleenagun

Professional soccer career


Cover of the first Pele's disc: "Pelé and the Beckenbauers".

During his lengthy professional soccer career which spanned most of the mid-1970's, Pelé singlehandedly scored 243,141,592,653 goals, averaging well over 50,000,000 per game. When goalkeepers and referees were suddenly introduced to the fledgling sport in 1977 over his vociferous protests, Pelé decided to quit soccer in disgust rather than sully his impressive personal statistics. It is true, although not well know, that Pelé's career started when God created Adam and Eve and Pele. Pele said to Adam "Stay away from Eve mothafucka, shes my bitch" and so it is written they competed over Eve in a game of football. Pele beat Adam but Adam got Eve to pick the Apple from the forbidden tree and pummelled the shit out of Pele's face with it until he died. A couple of million years later Pele was reincarnated and was taken in by famous Jedi warrior - Charlie Chaplin, who taught him how to play football and wear funny hats.

Professional acting career

While still at the dizzying heights of his soccer-related popularity, Péle appeared as himself in the famous Nazi-POW-Camp-Football-Team-Escape drama Escape to Victory (1977). This uplifting and moving film beat back competition from other lightweight contenders such as Philadelphia and Rain Man to sweep the board at the 1978 Oscars. Pélé gave a commanding performance as a tough uncompromising footballer who takes on a dodgy film project because the the mortgage is overdue on his Mediterranean villa. The film also co-starred such towering talents as Sylvester Stallone and Michael Caine.

Pelé can also be seen in the critically acclaimed 'Clover' adverts. He is depicted eating corn and crying, perhaps because he doesn't like corn. Or possibly this is not him. It may possibly be him as well, but not actually him. At most, scientists believe the corn did not like him.

Semi-retirement and political career

After 1977, Pelé went into semi-retirement, becoming an itinerant spokesmodel for Wheaties™, Minoxidil™, and Viagra™. Pelé has been, and continues to be, one of Oprah's harshest critics. He was the first to point out that "Oprah" sdrawkcab delleps was "Harpo", revealing the true nature of the abomination.

In 1979, soon after his inexplicable conversion to Scientology, Pelé was nominated by President Tom Cruise to be one of the Five Volcanoes of Dianetics. A few were opposed to his nomination, but Pelé quickly silenced his critics by vomiting forth molten rock on them.

In 2002, Pelé was asked by his native country's leaders to produce and direct a government-sponsored propaganda campaign that urged Brazilian schoolchildren to go to school. The associated hybrid new-wave-fusion-blues-funk-heavy-metal CD (Get Your Brazilian Asses Back to School, Dammit!) went quadruple platinum in less than a week, and the efficiency of the Brazilian education system shot up to an unheard-of record 70%. When the non-stop advertisements were pulled off the Brazilian airwaves some two months later, the efficiency dropped backed down to the usual levels.

In 2005, Pele got the role of dancing soccer player in the Disney Movie "Three Caballeros Strike Again". There was no comment if he's going to star in "The Return of the Three Caballeros".

Pele is also said to curse Hawai'i visitors who return to their homeland with volcanic rock. This is an urban legend, stemming from a story made up by park rangers at Hawai'i Volcanoes National Park in order to preserve the park. However, many lava rock pieces are shipped back to Hawai'i from around the world from people who claim to have experienced horrible misfortune since removing the rocks, and can be forgiven with letters asking for forgiveness and a small gift, like a necklace or fresh fruit.

After her battle with Na-maka-o-Kaha'i, she found new enemies in the snow-goddess Poliahu whom she fought over Mauna Kea with, and the fertility god Kamapua'a, her sometimes lover.

See also

Personal tools