From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Women love pearl necklaces! They adore the feeling of smooth pearls on their skin, and like to look at themselves in the mirror as the sunlight glistens from the necklace's surface. They cherish the memory of the exact moment their beau or gentleman caller gave them this special gift directly from a salty sea, and longingly replay that moment in their minds-eye when occupied with dreary housework. Many woman will run to show off the newest strand to their friends, who regard it as a badge of honor and of conquest, to say the least.
Girlfriends and wives, sisters and masseurs, schoolgirls and ladies of the night alike, in their private moments and maddest thoughts all long for a pearl necklace. Even high-born women crave the gift, and the more higher-born the more they lust after the pearls. Many mothers eagerly pass along tales of the necklace to their daughters, and in this way many a daughter hath learned of her father's extreme generosity, secretly wishing that daddy would give her one too.
Daddy usually learns of this the hard way, and obliges.
The pearl necklace in early American history
United States president and one of America's beloved founding fathers, wikipedia:Thomas Jefferson, was the first prominent man in recorded history to have given his girlfriend, well, his slave actually, a pearl necklace. He sent it to Sally Hemings on her 24th birthday, June 1, 1797, and then wrote a poetic sonnet about it, the braggart. The gift totally surprised Hemmings, and when the package unexpectedly opened and some of the pearls poked her in the eye, Jefferson's captive gal pal told him she'd rather have a mud facial next year. Or her freedom. Whichever.
Long before Jefferson brought the practice back to favor, poorer males throughout history went through a long period of sharing this wonderful gift with their sweeties. Since most men never had much money, and women in the ancient world, historians agree, weren't worth any money, this left men in a bit of a quandary. For, you see, women are always wanting more and more presents. They think presents equal attention and interest, and so want lots of everything, even if they have some already. Racking their minds to come up with suitable, lavish, and inexpensive gifts, ingenious boyfriends, husbands, and clients invented the giving of the pearl necklace (a.k.a. The Sally). And then, surprised and happy over the girl's reaction, often gave her another one twenty minutes later.
Mentions of the pearl necklace (a.k.a. The Pearly Gates) have been laced throughout many religious novels. From that time that Allah gave the necklace to Hanuman the monkey God, to Zeus's special attention to long-necked Venus and her half-shell, to the contemplation of Buddha upon the pearls of wisdom which he then layered onto his followers, the necklace has provided both a literal and metaphorical thrill ride down the slopes of religious ecstasy.
For instance, everyone's favorite Jewish preacher, Jesus, always admonished His pupils not to cast their pearls before swine. Referring to the ancient Roman practice of farmers giving their hogs pearl necklaces, Jesus was actually recounting a traumatizing incident He witnessed as a youth (see St. Paul's pompous first century post, "Letter to the Pagantians"). This event occurred one afternoon when Jesus came upon His father, Joseph of Nazareth (a.k.a. Joey the Carpenter, a.k.a. Joey No Thumbs) giving a large pearl necklace to an obviously enthusiastic Virgin Mary. Thus, later in life, and for years afterwards, Jesus expressed a phobic related bias whenever He observed a pearl of great price being given as a gift to a lowly hog at the conclusion of a farmer's journey into the manly art of bestiality (the first four letters say it all!). "Stop! Do not cast your pearls before swine!" He'd tell the farmers and anyone else who'd bother to listen.
Because of all this, Jesus loved to poke His nose into other people's business and speak out against the gift, among other things. The Virgin Mary heard Jesus' nagging speech on several occasions, but never stopped enjoying the surprise multi-stringed pearls necklaces gifted upon her by her Son's loving apostles.
Special Gift from Man to Woman
“They always get tangled up in my hair, takes me like an hour to get them out.”
Men have been giving women pearl necklaces for many years now, almost as an afterthought. The smile on her face and the jerk of her head when she first puts it on are enough to make any man want to give her another. And, as with most things in life, there are many variations of this exceptional gift. Here are just a few:
- The Signature - The gentleman writes his name with the necklace. Points are added for good penmanship.
- The Full Sally - He presents the pearl, she spins around full-circle to receive it. Beautiful when performed to perfection.
- Edible Pearls - In this variation the necklace is taken off of the women and fed to her, sometimes by hand, other times sopped up on cinnamon toast.
- The Ankle Bracelet - This rare pearl necklace is placed on the ankle or foot. It is often given just after the woman swiftly kicks away her man when he calls her by another girls name as he presents the necklace to her.
- The Collector - A solitary gentleman who collects pearl necklaces, either in a pile on his floor or in colorfully labeled jars and cookie tins. Some have collections going back to the early '90s.
- The Tummy Tuck - A necklace is placed on the belly of the woman. This is sometimes created by accident if the man can't putt it nearer to the green.
- Pearls Before Swine, Eisenberg Variation - When a cultured man gives a pearl necklace to a fat chick.
- Pearl Thong - A man playfully places a necklace on the woman's posterior, known as "around the horn". No personal space is safe or out of bounds for this delightfully oceanic experience.
- Mother of Pearl - When the woman's mother walks into the room as the necklace is being placed, and the man, surprised, turns and accidentally gives her a string of pearls too.
- The Low Hanging Fruit - Sometimes the last pearls of the pearl necklace get stuck or linger on the man, and the woman has to reach out to collect them to complete the bling.
It should be noted that a pearl necklace can also be given to a man, either knowingly or while he is passed-out after drinking one too many beers. The scamp.
Men can also give one to themselves, if they're so inclined. Aim high, my brothers, aim high!
In popular culture
When U.S. President Bill Clinton - following Jefferson's lead - gave his intern Monica Lewinsky an expensive pearl necklace, she lovingly kept it long after their relationship ended, along with a blue dress she was wearing at the time. Coincidently, Bill has never given a pearl necklace to his wife, Hillary, so please feel free to send her one in the mail.The 2003 film "Girl with a Pearl Earring" starring Scarlett Johansson (an actress known for her deep under-the-surface reserve, actually a feigned quiet intelligence which has carried her through life piggyback), portrays the recipient of one of the hardest moves in the history of the sport. Based on Johannes Vermeer's classic oil painting of the same name, the movie and painting are monuments to what can be achieved with practice: the placing of a single pearl on a woman's ear after the other pearls have been layed elsewhere. Since making the film, Johansson has asked all of her boyfriends and leading men to give her this gift, with varying results.
In some poorer nations there are still pearl divers, young men who jump from a height when they see a pearl necklace floating in the air towards the neck and shoulders of a fair young lady. They will dive over the lass, timing their leap so perfectly that the necklace, instead of finding its proper place along the ladies' collarbone, will alight in the pearl diver's open mouth. Like a seal catching a fish, these scalliwags cause such an uproar that the woman usually screams while the man gives chase.
- HowTo:Enjoy a three-way dripping doggie-style pearl necklace in a parking lot while wearing Suspenders, a Little Black Dress, and a see-thru.
- Pearl Harbor
- John Scherer
- The proper way of presenting ones neck to a gentleman caller
- Pearl Jam
- The human neck: Simply attached to the shoulders or does it have a real purpose?
- Why?:Give your pet a pearl necklace