Peanut butter

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Undid revision 5529839 by Roozie (talk))
m (Revert Imsmrtrthenyou--Adds memes to paragraph and breaks coding of section header)
 
(10 intermediate revisions by 7 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
 
[[Image:peanutbutterman.PNG|thumb|Peanut Butter dressed up as 'extra chunky' for the special occasion.]]
 
[[Image:peanutbutterman.PNG|thumb|Peanut Butter dressed up as 'extra chunky' for the special occasion.]]
'''Peanut butter''' (aka negro love paste) comes in various types and styles: Chunky/creamy, salted/unsalted, oil/oil-less, kosher/not [[kosher]], natural/artificial, brown/ochre, and green. With 7 distinct characteristic traits and various magical bonuses (+1, +2, +3, of healing) there are 21 (2^6 * 4(which is not the same as 2^8)) distinct types of peanut [[butter]]. I really should include some table/chart here to illustrate the various peanut butters but I'm too lazy. I will, however, note that chunky style has been shown to cure cancer and feed the hungry, whilst smooth style kicks puppies and continued to vote for Hitler even after he died. If you think creamy peanut butter is better then you are wrong, do you like to kick puppies, do you vote for Hitler! This is bad if you said yes, you should go die in a hole.(take a small goat with you why don't you!)
+
'''Peanut butter''' is a dairy product made by milking the ripe peanut plant. Peanut butter comes in various types and styles: Chunky/creamy, salted/unsalted, with or without peanut oil, kosher/not [[kosher]], natural/artificial, brown/ochre, and green. With 7 distinct characteristic traits, each yielding between +1 and +3 hit-points of healing power, there are 21 distinct types of peanut [[butter]]. Chunky style has cured cancer and fed the hungry, whilst smooth style kicks puppies.
   
==[[HowTo:Correct_a_Teacher|Social Impact]]==
+
==Social Impact==
Peanut butter has been credited with enhancing peace and harmony by facilitating an everlasting bond between anus and tongue. Even more so than Viagra it has enhanced relationships on many different levels. While peanut butters' influence has been known for years by a small yet dedicated group of enthusiasts calling themselves ''Inmates of the Federal Prison System'', it was after the filming of an [[HBO]] documentary at a maximum security prison in Illinois that the group's cause gained national attention with the revelation of a new type of peanut butter called ''chunky''. While similar in both spelling and pronunciation to the chunky peanut butter found on the shelf of your local grocery store, the ''chunky'' found in prison is more humble in origin and easier to make.
+
[[Image:Jifgreen.jpg|thumb|left|Green peanut butter derives its color by being highly radioactive.]]
  +
Peanut butter has been credited with enhancing peace and harmony. Even more so than Viagra, it has enhanced relationships on many different levels. While peanut butter's influence has been known for years by a small yet dedicated group of enthusiasts calling themselves ''Inmates of the Federal Prison System'', it was after the filming of an [[HBO]] documentary at a maximum security prison in Illinois that the group's cause gained national attention with the revelation of a new type of peanut butter called ''chunky.'' While similar in both spelling and pronunciation to the chunky peanut butter found on the shelf of your local grocery store, the ''chunky'' found in prison is more humble in origin and easier to make.
   
So you take yer standard prison-issue creamy, slap it on the ass of your hasn't-wiped-for-a-month cellmate, and make damn sure all those little dingle berries and your dried up [[cum]] balls get all mixed up in it. Presto! Now you got ''chunky''. Pass the toothpick.
+
Soon after the [[HBO]] documentary aired, executives at a yet-to-be-named peanut butter manufacturer announced plans to produce their own version of ''chunky'' to be called "organic."
   
Ahem. Soon after the [[HBO]] documentary aired, executives at a yet to be named peanut butter manufacturer announced plans to produce their own version of ''chunky'' to be called "[[Organic_food|Organic]]".LIKE A BOSSS!!!!
+
==History==
  +
The first record of a civilization using peanut butter was the Pre-Columbian peoples of [[Mexico]] who used ground peanuts as a base for a number of their food sauces. The "tl" sound so common in these indigenous words, from "Seattle" to "Aztlan," was originally the sound of a speaker trying to get the peanut butter off his tongue and palate.
   
==History==
+
Because the Pre-Columbians failed to patent their farming methood, and because Columbia so stubbornly refused to exist, in 1890, George A. Bayle Jr. began to sell ground peanuts as a [[vegetarian]] [[protein]] supplement for people with bad or no [[teeth]] and/or braces. The first market response was overwhelmingly bad and in response Bayle created the creamy (or smooth) type of peanut butter.
The first record can be found in livejournal archives of the Pre-Columbian peoples of [[Mexico]] who used ground peanuts as a base for a number of their food sauces.
 
   
Peanut butter is peanut sperm. They farm for this by giving a male peanut some privacy and a copy of Inside The Shells mounthly.
+
Peanut butter was used in the [[White House]] of [[Abraham Lincoln]]. Lincoln, realizing its potential for racial harmony, planned to popularize it throughout the Union as a "[[Negro]] [[love]] spread." He may have been finalizing this plan at the Ford theater, during the performance of an unusually boring play, when anti-legume activist John Wilkes Booth struck, meaning that the secret was buried with Honest Abe. Years later, Grover Cleveland stumbled upon this secret and, in a revolutionary innovation, gave George Washington Carver the recipe. He then created the ''illuminutti'' to protect the secret.
Because the Pre-Columbians failed to file for a [[patent]] with the patent office for this farming methood, and because Columbia so stubbornly refused to exist, in [[1890]], a George A. Bayle Jr. began to sell ground peanut [[Sperm]] as a [[vegetarian]] [[protein]] [[dietary supplement|supplement]] for people with bad or no [[teeth]] and/or braces. The first market response was overwhelmingly bad and in response Bayle created the creamy (or smooth) type of peanut butter.
 
 
It has also been alleged that peanut butter was created by Abraham Lincoln's wife as a condiment. Lincoln, realizing that this could be used as a tool for uniting whites and blacks, made a plan to give blacks the recognition of creating this Negro love spread. As he was planning this at the Ford theater, an anti-legume Racial Harmony activist John Wilkes Booth killed him and buried the secret. Years later Grover Cleveland stumbled upon this secret and in a revolutionary innovation, invented ding-dong-ditching to give George Washington Carver the recipe. He then created the illuminutti to protect this secret.
 
   
 
== Industry ==
 
== Industry ==
   
Peanut butter is a multi-million dollar industry headed by some of today's best known celebrities, including Matt Damon, Pope Benedict XVI, Bugs Bunny, Chucky the Cheese (a very obscure pseudonym of both Phyllis Diller & [[Oscar Wilde]]), [[This Guy]], [[That Guy]], Peter Griffin, and [[Your Mom|That One Fat Guy]]. Peanut Butter has often been fused with other products like [[Chocolate]], [[Condoms]], Chocolate Condoms,a guy with a tattoo in the shape of Florida on there arm, and most recently Computer Chips.
+
Peanut butter is a multi-million dollar industry. Peanut Butter has often been fused with other products, such as [[Chocolate]], [[Condoms]], Chocolate Condoms, and a guy with a tattoo in the shape of Florida on his arm.
   
While peanut butter was traditionally handmade with hands, technological advances in [[machines]] have lead to automatic peanut butter plants. The majority of store-bought peanut butter is now handmade by machines, although gourmets looking for traditional peanut butter usually buy alley-bought peanut butter.
+
While peanut butter was traditionally handmade with hands, technological advances have led to automatic peanut butter plants. The majority of store-bought peanut butter is now handmade by machines, although gourmets looking for traditional peanut butter usually buy alley-bought peanut butter.
   
== How It's Grown ==
+
== Peanut butter farming ==
It takes two Korean children three years of hard labor to cultivate a single peanut. Many of them die as a result of this arduous task from an ailment the local people call "peanut lung". One peanut on the black market can garner enough money to feed a poor korean family for a week. Though peanut theft is not uncommon, the penalties are harsh and include: loss of limb (hands, feet or noses), denial of toiletpaper rations and public wedgies.
+
[[File:Jimmypeanut.jpg|thumb|left|It is common for peanuts to become [[President]] because they have bipartisan support.]]
  +
It takes two [[Korea]]n children three years of hard labor to cultivate a single peanut. Many of them die as a result of this arduous task from an ailment the local people call "peanut lung." One peanut on the black market can garner enough money to feed a poor Korean family for a week. Though peanut theft is not uncommon, the penalties are harsh and include: loss of limb (hands, feet or noses), denial of toiletpaper rations and public wedgies.
   
== Peanut Butter Puberty ==
+
== Peanut butter puberty ==
After harvesting, Peanut butter enters puberty. Peanut butter puberty is much like our puberty. Sometimes the peanut butter grows hair, sometimes its voice cracks, but most of all the knutz grows and expands. To power this expansion Peanut butter manufacturers use energy created by [[Kitten Huffing]] and killer Flamingos. Once Peanut butter has gone through puberty and passed its physical (yes they touch it's balls, just like us. Now grow up!) it's ready to be sold to the masses. They must also burn off the hairs.
+
After harvesting, Peanut butter enters puberty. Peanut butter puberty is much like our puberty. Sometimes the peanut butter grows hair, sometimes its voice cracks, but most of all, the knutz grow and expand.
   
== The Finished Product ==
+
== Finished product ==
 
[[Image:barbiesmuggler.jpg|thumb|The average Peanut butter smuggler is [[female]], [[white people|white]], stands about 6 feet tall and weighs somewhere around 135 pounds. She may also smell like plastic.]]
 
[[Image:barbiesmuggler.jpg|thumb|The average Peanut butter smuggler is [[female]], [[white people|white]], stands about 6 feet tall and weighs somewhere around 135 pounds. She may also smell like plastic.]]
[[Image:Jifgreen.jpg|thumb|Now 100% more radioactive!]]
 
   
After making the long journey through life [[Peanut butter]] is ready to be eaten by the masses. It is put in [[plastic]] jars often resembling characters from [[Star Trek]] and sealed with the magic foil. Then the peanut butter is taken to [[Mexico]] and illegally smuggled into the [[United States]]. Peanut butter is loved by all and also goes well with [[jelly]]. Unfortunately, jelly can make you die in most occasions; reading a book, eatting breakfast, or putting [[Bananas]] in your mouth.
+
After making the long journey through life, [[peanut butter]] is ready to be eaten by the masses. It is put in [[plastic]] jars and sealed with the magic foil that is a separate product of the peanut plant. Then the peanut butter is taken to [[Mexico]] and illegally smuggled into the [[United States]].
   
== Peanut Butter Precautions ==
+
== Consuming peanut butter ==
You must never eat the Peanut butter if the magic foil is broken, because...well because it says not to and you should always trust the Peanut butter people because they're friends with [[God]], and Odius' mom. Also remember that when eating peanut butter be sure to have a bottle of super-senstive anti-adhesive Peanut butter solvent nearby in case your [[mouth]] becomes stuck shut and you forget where your keys are. If you remember where your keys are, you can unstick your mouth by placing your right elbow in a luminous bedpan. Do not eat Peanut butter in a place with direct [[sunlight]] or one with intense heat and/or exposed electrical wires, because it is highly flammable.
+
Consumers should never eat peanut butter in a jar whose magic foil is broken. (It is sometimes safe to do so if you know it was you who broke the foil.) It can be more dangerous trying to eat peanut butter without breaking the magic foil at all.
   
The Bureacracy has been often times seen peeing in the common folk's peanut butter in hopes of "spreading the wealth" to other families in accordance with the new stimulus package. Their favoured brand to take a leak in is currently: [[Peter Pan]] peanut butter.
+
Consumers should always keep a bottle of peanut butter solvent nearby, in case their [[mouth]]s become stuck shut. This will render the consumer unable to speak, unless he or she knows the ancient Aztec language (see above), which could be spoken with a mouth stuck shut.
   
Originally, the company wanted to hire [[Michael Jackson]] to sell this crap. He may be a Jehovah's witness, but Seventh-day Adventists will eat this stuff instead of any meat, and Mormons will wash it down with fruit punch (although the Osmonds were on a Pepsi TV ad). Besides, Michael Jackson was dropped for [[pedophilia|obvious]] [[weird|reasons]].
+
Doctors advise that a significant percentage of school children are allergic to peanut butter. An ample dollop on a slice of bread can give them hives, cause swelling, and even keep them from breathing. This seems to be another step in the disturbing trend of our schools to cater to the spoiled child and make exceptions for them. The editors recommend that any child claiming an allergy be given a double helping and perhaps be force-fed until he quits his [[bitch]]ing and becomes a member of the team.
   
== Awards and Recognition ==
+
Peanut butter also goes well with [[jelly]]. Unfortunately, jelly can be lethal, though no more lethal than peanut butter.
* #1 in [[PETA]]'s worst foods to give to your [[dog]] (it takes hours to lick off the PB off their teeth). HOW CRUEL IS THAT?
 
* The infamous 'Peanut Butter and Elephant Joke' was awarded the "Worst Joke of The Year, 1934" by the American [[Clown hunters|Clown]] Society.
 
(Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter?
 
A: Either a peanut butter that never forgets, or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.)
 
   
== Interesting Facts ==
+
{{Template:Tasty}}
*Most widley used to put on your hands and [[slap]] someone in the face usually followed up by yelling out PEANUT BUTTER SLAP!!!!
 
*Peanut butter is a cannibal.
 
*'''It's peanut butter jelly time. Peanut butter jelly time. peanut butter jelly time'''.
 
** Old tired meme.
 
*Eating peanut butter while taking the SAT will result in an extremely low score almost 99% of the time.
 
*Pieter jan de beer is the worlds largest peanut butter consumer
 
*'''I LIKA DO DA CHA CHA!...'''
 
*Peanut butter is used to make Oompaa Lompas (illegally hired workers in Willy Wonka's slave sweatshop for Lucas Mexican Candies).
 
*'''I DO THA CHA CHA LIKE A SISSY GIRL!'''
 
*Peanut Butter is the eternal enemy of the [[Flying Spaghetti Monster]], deity of [[Pastafarianism]].
 
*Santa Claus can eat an entire jar of peanut butter in less then 10 seconds.
 
*Amsterdam has been founded on peanut butter.
 
*Peanut Butter is the main character in Titanic.
 
*Having a [[dog]] lick peanut butter off your balls is the official greeting on the planet [[Michael Jackson]].
 
*Australian Wine is made out of peanut butter.
 
*Ipods are made out of [[peanutbutter]] AND DOG BALLS!.
 
*Some dogs, when given peanut butter, will forget to breath... and they say dogs are geniuses...
 
*Peanut butter is used in [[Chocolicousistic]].
 
*Peanut butter is the fourth most popular food in the [[United States]], behind the all too intoxicating [[pizza]], [[cheeseburgers]], [[hot dog]] and [[potato chips]] (OK that's four, make it fifth).
 
*Eatting bananas can make you [[poop]] much more than prunes. The mentos guys proved it.
 
*Peanutbutter is the #1 tool used for fixing leaks in faucets.
 
*The current undead [[pope]] eats only Pre-pubecent Siberian Peanut Butter(R) and likes extra chunky between his toes.
 
*One of the more amusing things to do with peanut butter is to replace the label on the jar with one for Noxzema skin creme and give it to a person with both eczema and a peanut allergy. Just imagine the laughs......
 
*Peanut Butter is great for rubbing all over your face and then running around town screaming,"HELP! HELP! THERE IS TURDMUSH ON ME FACE!"
 
*Rabbits and kitties have been especially known to use these substances to torture humans. They do this by stuffing it up people's noses, their ears and worst of all, their hair and Fish. The hair is of course the most sensitive of all human body parts. They then turn in to rabbits and kitties after the peanut butter torture.
 
*The inside of peanut butter is actually negative space
 
*Peanut butter is not a type of sport.
 
*Bruce Campbell eats peanut butter. You can't argue with Bruce Campbell.
 
*Ghandi is know to be a peanut butter hater, but no one really listens to him anymore.
 
*it is peanut butter jelly [[you|time]]...
 
*And hits the soundtrack with my baseball bat. SMACK!
 
*May contain traces of soy, milk, berries and [[Jack Thompson]].
 
*Consumption of the Peanut Butter is known for its aphrodisiac qualities, however, if the erection lasts longer than 4 hours, please consult your local grocer.
 
*Putting peanut butter on the teeth of a horse gives the horse the ability to speak.
 
   
 
[[fr:Beurre de cacahuète]]
 
[[fr:Beurre de cacahuète]]
Line 46: Line 45:
 
[[he:חמאת בוטנים]]
 
[[he:חמאת בוטנים]]
   
'''
 
 
[[Category:Adhesives]]
 
[[Category:Adhesives]]
 
[[Category:Food]]
 
[[Category:Food]]

Latest revision as of 14:51, March 24, 2014

Peanutbutterman

Peanut Butter dressed up as 'extra chunky' for the special occasion.

Peanut butter is a dairy product made by milking the ripe peanut plant. Peanut butter comes in various types and styles: Chunky/creamy, salted/unsalted, with or without peanut oil, kosher/not kosher, natural/artificial, brown/ochre, and green. With 7 distinct characteristic traits, each yielding between +1 and +3 hit-points of healing power, there are 21 distinct types of peanut butter. Chunky style has cured cancer and fed the hungry, whilst smooth style kicks puppies.

edit Social Impact

Jifgreen

Green peanut butter derives its color by being highly radioactive.

Peanut butter has been credited with enhancing peace and harmony. Even more so than Viagra, it has enhanced relationships on many different levels. While peanut butter's influence has been known for years by a small yet dedicated group of enthusiasts calling themselves Inmates of the Federal Prison System, it was after the filming of an HBO documentary at a maximum security prison in Illinois that the group's cause gained national attention with the revelation of a new type of peanut butter called chunky. While similar in both spelling and pronunciation to the chunky peanut butter found on the shelf of your local grocery store, the chunky found in prison is more humble in origin and easier to make.

Soon after the HBO documentary aired, executives at a yet-to-be-named peanut butter manufacturer announced plans to produce their own version of chunky to be called "organic."

edit History

The first record of a civilization using peanut butter was the Pre-Columbian peoples of Mexico who used ground peanuts as a base for a number of their food sauces. The "tl" sound so common in these indigenous words, from "Seattle" to "Aztlan," was originally the sound of a speaker trying to get the peanut butter off his tongue and palate.

Because the Pre-Columbians failed to patent their farming methood, and because Columbia so stubbornly refused to exist, in 1890, George A. Bayle Jr. began to sell ground peanuts as a vegetarian protein supplement for people with bad or no teeth and/or braces. The first market response was overwhelmingly bad and in response Bayle created the creamy (or smooth) type of peanut butter.

Peanut butter was used in the White House of Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln, realizing its potential for racial harmony, planned to popularize it throughout the Union as a "Negro love spread." He may have been finalizing this plan at the Ford theater, during the performance of an unusually boring play, when anti-legume activist John Wilkes Booth struck, meaning that the secret was buried with Honest Abe. Years later, Grover Cleveland stumbled upon this secret and, in a revolutionary innovation, gave George Washington Carver the recipe. He then created the illuminutti to protect the secret.

edit Industry

Peanut butter is a multi-million dollar industry. Peanut Butter has often been fused with other products, such as Chocolate, Condoms, Chocolate Condoms, and a guy with a tattoo in the shape of Florida on his arm.

While peanut butter was traditionally handmade with hands, technological advances have led to automatic peanut butter plants. The majority of store-bought peanut butter is now handmade by machines, although gourmets looking for traditional peanut butter usually buy alley-bought peanut butter.

edit Peanut butter farming

Jimmypeanut

It is common for peanuts to become President because they have bipartisan support.

It takes two Korean children three years of hard labor to cultivate a single peanut. Many of them die as a result of this arduous task from an ailment the local people call "peanut lung." One peanut on the black market can garner enough money to feed a poor Korean family for a week. Though peanut theft is not uncommon, the penalties are harsh and include: loss of limb (hands, feet or noses), denial of toiletpaper rations and public wedgies.

edit Peanut butter puberty

After harvesting, Peanut butter enters puberty. Peanut butter puberty is much like our puberty. Sometimes the peanut butter grows hair, sometimes its voice cracks, but most of all, the knutz grow and expand.

edit Finished product

Barbiesmuggler

The average Peanut butter smuggler is female, white, stands about 6 feet tall and weighs somewhere around 135 pounds. She may also smell like plastic.

After making the long journey through life, peanut butter is ready to be eaten by the masses. It is put in plastic jars and sealed with the magic foil that is a separate product of the peanut plant. Then the peanut butter is taken to Mexico and illegally smuggled into the United States.

edit Consuming peanut butter

Consumers should never eat peanut butter in a jar whose magic foil is broken. (It is sometimes safe to do so if you know it was you who broke the foil.) It can be more dangerous trying to eat peanut butter without breaking the magic foil at all.

Consumers should always keep a bottle of peanut butter solvent nearby, in case their mouths become stuck shut. This will render the consumer unable to speak, unless he or she knows the ancient Aztec language (see above), which could be spoken with a mouth stuck shut.

Doctors advise that a significant percentage of school children are allergic to peanut butter. An ample dollop on a slice of bread can give them hives, cause swelling, and even keep them from breathing. This seems to be another step in the disturbing trend of our schools to cater to the spoiled child and make exceptions for them. The editors recommend that any child claiming an allergy be given a double helping and perhaps be force-fed until he quits his bitching and becomes a member of the team.

Peanut butter also goes well with jelly. Unfortunately, jelly can be lethal, though no more lethal than peanut butter.

Pupuplatter
   v  d  e
Chicken Soup for the Eyes
Asparagus | Awesomesauce | Baby food | Bacon| Boogers | Butter | Cafeteria food | Cake | Caviar | Cheese | Chicken | Chicken 2 | Codpiece | Corn | Cornbread | Cornflakes | Crunchy Beaver with Pine Gum Coulis | Fantastik flavored hallucinogenic ham with Uranium seasoning | Fluff | French bikinis | Fried Chicken | Fudge | Goa Tse | Ice Cream | Hot Dog | Knuckle sandwich | Krispy Kreme | Meatloaf | Magic mushroom | Mangos | Moruga Scorpion Chili | Nutella | Peanut butter | Pie | Pills | Pudding | Orange sherbet | Pease pudding | Rice Pudding | Rocky Mountain Oysters | Sauce | Spam | Sunny D | Taco Bell | Turd burgers
Personal tools
In other languages
projects