This article needs TWO STICKS OF BUTTER!!!
You can make it tastier by adding more Country Cooking Careful what you wish for, Joliet found the article and expanded it. Exclusive expanded article by local, featuring factual elements to the funny.. Encyclopedia Dramatica gave you a 940 word piece we like longer more fleshed up for the funny and the presentation here gives Joliet props for the funny on this one. Hat tip: Illinois. This expanded article submitted for your approval, the Monsters Are Due On Joliet Street (get it!)
“I don’t — I don’t know. But that’s just not a word that we use as time has gone on. Things have changed since the ‘60s in the south. And my children and my brother object to that word being used in any cruel or mean behavior. As well as I do.”
“Even her kids don't have much enthusiasm for their mother because their memories of her are negative. Her children and step-children get thrown under the bus, especially her teenage step-daughter, who gets slammed quite a bit here. The problem is that Paula is a know-it-all workaholic who rarely takes much personal responsibility for her actions.”
“I think she has been punished, perhaps overly severely, for her honesty in admitting it and for the use of the word in the distant past. She's apologized profusely.”
Paula Deen is the second mainstay of the snack eating and obese food industry and the figurehead of Myocardial Infarctions. She was most well known also as a jolly fat chef on the Food Network. She had an eatery in Downtown Joliet, but the recent history they told her to take a hike.
Perez Hilton was drawing on her photos and what not, as vile as he is. We're giving her a little more respect but the one who is editing this, seen some of the fallout first hand. The photo submitted from Yelp was from the neighboring diner in the same casino.
This will have a combination of unfunny and the funny mixed in the same article as the Illinois section was expanded to play this up too. It's not surprising she was not made into a fan fiction character as she would been spiked by a lot of bloggers in the Joliet area for such jokes.
WGN related how Joliet dropped her like a bad habit, as The Cabbie Homicide guilty party quit smoking two years earlier. His classmate lived in Homer Glenn, Illinois, and knew the scandal mirrored the new media scandal the classmates invited a year later.
Her scandal is on par to Christine Morgan's contributor pulling a similar stunt on Twitter.com where his publishers caught wind and dropped him for making a similar remark. Scott Colbert, a Liberal gossip blogger enabling the plagiarism of The Pattern Of Diagnosis from The Cabbie Homicide's guilty party had done a vile slur to a Conservative African-American politician. That played up around the same time as Paula Deen's infamous remark.
The one who made the gender-flipped slur and c-word, invited an plagiarism incident and regular copyright infringing trog who screencapped associated content articles. The Something Awful.com plagiarism events were going on since 2008 as one had forced the post office box hand. The incident on VampireFreaks.com suspended the user for making a snide comment not knowing if she was Native Canadian or South Asian, as the remark being she was trying to suggest he should been committed.
Thor then proceeded to tweet Colbert’s publisher, KHP Publishers, Inc., and many of Colbert’s followers a screenshot of his epithet. The timing was very much around the time of Paula Deen's outburst, as this one had a history of bias harassment.
“By Saturday, KHP had posted a message on its website announcing it had terminated its contract with an author, whom it did not name, due to an “inexcusable” incident.
“[T]he author made a racial slur at the person with KHP material plastering his Twitter page’s background. This involved the company, and we saw the results of this on our own Twitter page this morning,” KHP wrote. “[W]e find this inexcusable. In sticking to our own ‘zero tolerance’ model, we terminated our contract with this author immediately and his book is in the process of being removed from stores.”The publisher noted that the decision was “not just a business issue” but a personal one as well – the company’s CEO is white and married to a black woman: “They have two beautiful children and have dealt with racism often in their lives. It simply will not be tolerated by ”
We took from multiple sources and took all the funny from each but even factual in parts, so this may or may no be parody or satire. But for some of us. We are using this article as a teachable moment as we hope she can take it in that spirit we wrote this. CNN.com. WGN.com, Today and other news sources were what we drew upon to expand upon the article and photos were snagged from Yahoo search to pair up with the expanded report.
Early Life Edit
Paula was born January 19th, 1947 in a small, little known trailer trash village called Albany somewhere near the birthplace of racism, which was also known as Georgia. Her mother and father died early in her life and she quickly fell into a lasting fit of depression that she has slowly ate herself out of. Her technique for dealing with grief was cooking large amounts of fattening foods which she soon after consumed. This led to great weight gain and massive aterial clog. She eventually made it her life goal to become the fattest chef alive and continued to cook well after her grieving had passed.
She didn't just become the fattest chef alive though, she became the fattest person in the world up until her 12th heart attack in which she finally dropped down to her birth weight of 260 pounds. She created a new restaurant company,starting out small and working her way to owning a major chain. The first restuarant was called 'Bag Lady'.
It was a place in which the everyday kid could come and get a traditional, southern, fattening, bag lunch. Paula Deen thought this would be a good way to get her name out there, and at the same time, pander to her perverse emotions towards children which involved molesting them. She also dabbled in necrophilia by poisoning there sack lunches. Her name quickly spread word, and her legacy began. Unfortunately her Bag Lady chain was shut down in a massive court battle by Michael Jackson. The official reason for this was not publicized but it is believed that Michael Jackson wanted the pedophile monopoly in the United States. Well we don't know the full details of that but she might had stock in Bill Cosby's Jello Pudding stash. Though Inmate NN7687 seen a good number of his honorary degrees stripped and memes where pudding pop is not exactly a frozen milk snack anymore.
“'While we appreciate Paula's sincere apologies for statements she made in her past that she recently disclosed during a deposition given in response to a lawsuit, after thoughtful consideration of their impact, we have mutually decided that it is in the best interests of both parties to part ways at this time,”
The Food Network Edit
“We found it to be unacceptable because it’s certainly not family content. We wouldn’t play something like that for a live audience."”Deen's relationship with Food Network began in 1993, when a friend introduced her to the president of the new channel. He saw talent in Paula, mainly in the bedroom, but it turned out that she could actually cook. He thought it would be a good idea to show the world her talent of making incredibly fattening and dangerous foods then eating them all front of camera on her very own television series. Quickly agreeing, Paula had a lot of work to do to prepare for her new position on her show. He took her through the city for a series of grocery shopping trips which turned out to be more of a mass butter purchase than anything else.
She later appeared on "Ready, Set, EAT BUTTER!" Deen was invited to shoot a pilot named "Crisco Gorging" in early 2001. The network liked it, but didn't yet have a place for her. The network eventually gave Deen her own show, "Butter - The Paula Experience", which premiered in 2002.
Her first show went superb. Every commercial break they had to put her on oxygen and twinkie injections, otherwise she would pass out from standing so long due to lack of blood pressure, blood sugar and oxygen to the brain. Paula soon came up with her own award winning diet, and cookbook. Her diet changed(killed) millions of Americans forever. The diet consisted of Crisco Cake, Lard Muffins, Lard shakes, lardburgers, In-and-Out Lard, McLards, Stuffed Whipped Cream Loafs and the Triple Stack Grease Beast Diabetic Delight. Her cookbook titled: "Everyday Fatass Country Cookin'" was a New York Times Best seller along with her memoir, "It Ain't About The Cookin."
The photo uncovered would had pissed off Focus on the Family. Some of us couldn't believe it when we saw it, sucking off an eclair. The stunt she was being sued to a tune of $1.2 Million as that could pay the bail of a teacher in Reed-Custer who was doing such to a 14 year old boy. She thought the cream from the eclair was something salty.
Medical Status Edit
On February 23rd, 2009, Paula went to her monthly medical workover, which was one of the stipulations of her contract with Food Network due to her immense size and eating habits, and found out from the doctor that there was a small tub of Haagen Daus ice cream lodged in her Aorta. Upon correctional surgery, the doctors found that her heart had actually stopped beating a few months back. They were amazed that she was still alive.
It seems that a weird mix of food and severe contamination from Jesus Dioxide led to another, healthier heart growing side by side with the dieting original. Her original heart had been saturated in whipped cream. They completely removed Paula's old heart, and she continued to function correctly, (If you can consider that functioning) but with some of her infamous cracks they may have replaced it with a baked potato. We're borrowing that joke for the reference.
In 2015 one of our newcomers had an incident where Porky Pig was lodged in his throat and had a camera go down it to get it pulled out (got trapped in his food pipe and was coughing up enough spit. Was able to breath but nearly died.)
Paula Dean was dropped from Food Network like a bad cigarette habit (See the next section on the details and her own damning words.) Cooking the same cholesterol inducing meals, over and over again. Her plans for the eventual mass genocide of the global populous through taste-friendly foods is still going according to plan, unscathed by Al Gore.
This is most likely because she molests him repeatedly, every time taking a little more of his power. Al Gore's recent weight gain is caused by the mass amounts of trans fat injected into his food deliberately by Paula Dean in order to destroy his influence completely.
“First off I want to say I love Paula Deen's cookware I bought the whole set I do not put them in the dishwasher I wash them all by hand what I've noticed is on my biggest pot the coating is coming off the handle now it's like down to the bare metal I've only had this set for a 2 years should not have be doing this how long does the warranty last I just feel like that should not happened since I take such good care of the pot I'm enclosing a picture to show you what I'm talking about I think Paula Deen should stand behind her products I love her I enjoyed the recipes that she has on the internet I use a lot of the recipes that she has there just like to get this situation straightened out thank you very much”
That was one of one of many reviews from the cook ware she sells as Wal-Mart and Home Depot were dropping her endorsements left and right. Those who still backed her, some of them were mailing get this used butter wrappers to the ones who dropped her (god I hate to imagine what those envelopes looked like. Joliet just doesn't look over the mail all covered in grease, even it it was Blago's hair gel when they incarcerated him.) They were getting ideas from Reader's Digest, the magazine that The Pattern Of Diagnosis was pitched to in 2007 before publishing it. Why the hell didn't UnNews cover this because there's some real funny aspects to this (especially how pissed the post master got seeing all those butter wrappers.)
The ties that ditched her have you guessed it Chicago origins (Sears which is the parent company of K-Mart in 2005.) Target and others followed suit, the step-grandmother who lived in Hanover Park had ties to J. C. Penny. Hoffman Estates wasn't pleased with the statements she made -- as the n-bomb controversy became ethnic stereotyping controversy as she wasn't just pissing off African Americans but also Cuban-Americans. Walgreens even told her, "Sorry you can go where you want but you can't stay here."
So pretty much they were pushing her to be better off working with a Vanity Press to get herself out there as her book deals were dropped too. All the backlashes to her controversies have ties to the Chicagoland area; a lot of the companies that dropped her have Cook County origins.
“Well, it was probably when a black man burst into the bank that I was working at and put a gun to my head. Well, I don't remember, but the gun was dancing all around my temple. I didn't -- I didn't feel real favorable towards him. I don't know, maybe in repeating something that was said to me. Probably a conversation between blacks. I don't -- I don't know.”
This one is from CNN as much some of often mock them too over Anderson Cooper, but this is a teachable moment and why this article is expanded, as the laughs have with her this was the most poignant:
“It was a horrible word to use given its powerful centuries long role, especially in the South, as a way to dehumanize black people. And, my identity as a white Southern woman (one whose family were slave holders) only makes it worse. It undermines my belief in racial equality and counters my efforts to support racial justice."”Paula Dean's recent admission to referring to her slaves as "N Words" on one or two rare occasions has stirred the melting pot to the point of a roiling boil and ousted her fat ass from the food network. According to Paula "I knew the N word was a dirty word from the time I was knee high to a grasshopper, and tried to avoid talking about anyone whose mere mention would cause my mama to scrape my teeth across a bar of brown laundry soap. I was fully aware from a young age that the black folks were akin to shit, fuck, damn, bastard, and cunt and therefore must never be mentioned. I apologize to America for mentioning the banned people whose name must never be mentioned."I didn't realize that the welfare folks could afford to watch my show."
What she doesn't understand is the word "Bastard" appeared in five translations of The Bible. Notoriously in the pages of one of the Carol Stream, Illinois, born translations. The article Digital Wasteland has a lot of fun with this on WritersCafe.org, and a little too much fun with the word within the pages of An Eye In Shadows. She was going for the Chewbacca Defense when she was caught.
One of the things that got her in hot water was this statement, "Past scandals include allegations that Deen tried to make a cook dress like Aunt Jemima, an interview in which she sympathized with slave-holding ancestors, and a profane blooper reel in which she says a dish smells like 'stinky coochie.'"
The New York Post found the reel and she sounds like an outtake from some of the publisher's publications as the female author from Issue 10 could say she was passing off as the character in Fat Busters.
This is what she was caught doing to pastry, "She even pretends to perform a sex act on a chocolate eclair shortly before declaring, “My ass ain’t pretty no more!”" Implying someone was bending over and farting off camera. New York Post was infamous for the meme they made as a front page, "Enjoy A Footlong In Jail."
Joliet caught wind of this and took her Rebel Flag to the toilet. WGN News who made a joke about the urban legend of bull shark told her to take a hike. One of the residents brought flag to her after using it akin to Angel Soft. In 2013 the casino in Downtown Joliet had a unique problem on her hands, as soon they dropped her. Wal-Mart told her to also get lost.According to The Guardian, "Paula Deen's lawyer wants you to know she's a victim of her culture: she was "born 60 years ago, when the south had schools that were segregated, different bathrooms, different restaurants and Americans rode in different parts of the bus.""
The publisher of The Ethereal Gazette: Issue Five having published an African-American in 2007 caught wind of these alleged
jokes and having been on the receiving end of "WOP" and other Anti-Italian slurs often grabbed lunch at the diner inside the Casino. The place that Paula Deen had, well in the 2012 era hardly got traffic because of the African-American community in Joliet catching wind of such cracks. The lady author who was part of The Ethereal Gazette: Issue 10 knew not to make such cracks but the jokes flew out at Paula Deen about huffing Aqua Net and using piss to brush her teeth.
She in 2015 had caught ire in and Chicago Tribune reported on how she was dressing up as I Love Lucy. So we're making this as factual as possible but the funny comes into play when you see what diner was next door getting more business since 2012, though some of the classmates ate at the eatery she owned in Joliet but the protests from the city came at the expense of Harrah's
Her own words:
“After spending all day soul searching and trying to figure out how to deal with what I did, I recorded a video trying to do the right thing. In the end, I felt that I needed to just be myself, say I am sorry and beg for forgiveness. What I said was wrong and hurtful. I know that and will do everything that I can do make it right. I am not about hate, and I will devote myself to showing my family, friends and fans how to live a life helping others, lifting us all up, and spreading love.”
More like she was sorry she was caught. Joliet pretty much said, "Too late for apologies, you're not welcome in our city. We're giving our business to the diner up the street across from the library. There's some things you just don't do. That was one of them."
Anthony Bourdain (God Rest his soul) wasn't pleased with what she said either; as he implied at her age she would gain more publicity pearl diving. Urban Dictionary has the term and it's pretty vulgar. Hulk Hogan caught the same amount of heat for using the same word too. According to this website, "Furthermore, her publishers also dropped her and the Food Network ended its relationship with her. At present, there are no rumors concerning her life and career." She surprisingly sees 4,000,000 followers on facebook but being those two stunts she's be lucky to have a publication with Amazon Kindle. She is the same age as The Book Patch.com owner and Ramsey Campbell.
This was a statement that Wrestler Hogan made
“I can’t remember what I said last weekend let alone 12 years ago. Maybe you guys can but I can’t. And when I said it it was in a fit of anger. But I did say it, I’m accountable, that’s not who I am. That’s not how I feel, that’s not how I believe. But the one thing I will tell you is when I said it I was very, very mad. Very, very mad at a situation. But I did say it. It was inappropriate, it was out of context, it was hurtful, it was unacceptable and I did it. I apologize, if you guys could ever forgive me I would be forever grateful”
Bad enough we had to deal with the shit show that was the police officer killing one of his wives, Paula Deen should been doing her research on African-Majority cities in Illinois. The joke would had lead Bellwood and Maywood to be breathing down her neck because that's on par to what Jesse Dedman pulled with The Ethereal Gazette: Issue Five on video. The display was a Xenophobic attack.
Deen you should been reading up how we had to deal with a dirty cop who drowned his wife in 2004, as the circus around Will County Courthouse was bad enough. I couldn't get my sandwich without dodging a video camera from CNN and Court TV.
Saturday Night Live alumni almost made a similar statement but her being friends with Sen. Andrew Ian Dodge (1967-2014) the one who is editing this came to her aid and said, "Careful. My family were not in this country in the Civil War, the civil rights movement is their history too and being Italian. I know the hell some of us faced." The SNL alumni allowed him to speak up about what happened at Lulu.com as they attempted to vilify him but he wasn't racist but said Obama was not even qualified to lead a war. His roster was friends with Obama from way back in the 1980s.
She saved the rosters who moved to The Book Patch from Amazon.com total rage, the statement about "White History Month" caught a lot of heat but warned her that his classmate might latch onto this who had a connection to Treyvon Martin. What Paula Deen can learn from the artwork of the SNL alumni there's more than meets the eye and we're featuring this here for her if she does a Google of herself, we're going a little lighter than the media but reminding her how she became persona non grata in Joliet. We're using this page for Paula Deen to liberate this alumni as she's got a friend on the wiki looking out for her.
“"Whatever you do, don't spread those lies about me. I'm not antisemitic or a racist. I beg you, please don't report me to news organizations."”
"Too late, I reported you to the Anti-Defamation League over your little stunt. You're ripping off your readers by charging $10.00 for 80 pages. The fact what you did made you far more racist than you claim that your not." What does he have in common with Paula Deen, he might end up getting mauled in Bellwood over what he did. Roseanne caught as much heat for a twitter tirade that was not using the n-word but having ties to what the connection to young earth creationism and Darwin. We make fun of Obama too in Chicago but she even crossed the line, the joke we have is The Great Compromiser but even then we don't cross the line. Pastor's Spouse was very careful when calling out the classmate for stifling others who are of color, and those who have no books worth reading on their pinterest.com -- the scandal that she caused with six to seven other classmates also overlapped the backlash of Paula and Roseanne years later.
See Also Edit
- Encyclopedia Dramatica (Website)
- Fat Americans
- Georgia (U.S. State)
- Teachable Moment
- White Trash
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
|This article may be Overly American. Brits may not understand humor, only humour. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't not attempt to remedy this.|