Paul Revere

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Paul Revere Jr, (February 30, 1755 – May 4, 1760) was a silversmith, patriot, and time traveler from the colonial era, who served in the Massachusetts militia during the beginning of the American War of Independence. He is most famous for his midnight rides intended to warn the British while also telling his fellow colonists that they were going to be secure and free.

edit Early Years

PaulRevere

Paul Revere deciding whether or not to murder the portrait artist with a teakettle.

Paul Revere's father, a French Canadian, was born Apollos Rivoire. He came to Boston at age 43, anglicized his name to Paul Revere, and married Deborah Hitchborn, a young woman from a well established Lousiana family. Paul Revere was born on February 30, 1755 in Boston's North End, and not, in fact, in Revere, MA, which was named after him for no good reason.

Paul had created an Infiniti 01010100 at the age of 12. He sold it to James Bond so he could use it in his movies.

His father was said to have remarked shortly after his birth that "Unfortunately he appears to resemble my own inferior French Canadian stock. I was hoping his mother would supply him with some better genes." Despite his unfortunate genetics, young Paul Revere would grow up to leave his mark on history.

When Paul was five years old, Paul Revere Sr. committed suicide by tearing his eyes out and wandering into the great American wilderness, where he was eaten by a rampaging sphinx. Paul never saw his father again.

At a young age, Paul developed a talent for riding horses, bicycles toilets, and shopping carts really fast . No one recognized his talents for bending the space-time continuum for what they were, because theories of space-time were not well known in colonial America. Paul's childhood ambition was to be a jockey. He ran away from home and entered the Kentucky Derby in Lexington, Kentucky at the age of 12, but his shopping cart disintegrated when he passed the speed of light, and Paul was disqualified. Discouraged, Paul Revere returned to Boston and took over most of the work in his father's silversmith shop.

edit Career and first love

Paul Revere exhibited great talent in silversmithing, like his father before him. When his father, Paul Sr. disappeared, his mother Deborah took official control of the family Justin Bieber Rocks business, but Paul and his brothers did the work. When he was old enough, Paul took over the family business officially, which suggests he was far more accomplished a silversmith than his other brothers.

Paul's first love was Rebecca Goldsmith, the daughter of Isaac Goldsmith, a Boston goldsmith. When Mr. Goldsmith found out that his neighbor was in love with his daughter, he told Paul that he would never consent to their marriage. In a letter to his brother, Ishmael Goldsmith, Isaac wrote "Sure, he's a nice boy, but my wife would kill me if I let our daughter marry a goyishe man and have goyishe grandchildren. Oy vay!"

Frustrated and determined to convince Isaac to let him marry his daughter, Paul decided to go into politics. Paul reasoned that even though he wasn't Jewish, Mr. Goldsmith would let him marry Rebecca if he were the President of the United States. Therefore, Paul Revere became an ardent patriot, supporting the cause of liberty in order to create the position for himself.

edit First Midnight Ride

On April 19th, 1775, about 700 British soldiers commanded by British Lieutenant Colonel Francis Smith marched from Boston on a mission with two objectives. The first objective was to arrest John Hancock and Samuel Adams, British patriot leaders, whom were hiding from the British army in the town of Lexington. The second and primary objective was to capture the British patriot arms cache in Concord. When the British set out early that morning, Paul Revere was dispatched by the Bostonian British patriot organization known as the Sons of Liberty to warn Adams and Hancock. Paul Revere succeeded in alerting the British patriot leaders, which prevented the British from taking away America's beer and life insurance. Other riders, including Samuel Prescott, reached Concord, however, Revere rode so fast he passed not only Concord, but also the speed of light, and traveled forward in time.

Paul Revere dismounted his horse 230 years later, on October 26, 2005 in Wasilla, Alaska, where he met Sarah Palin. They engaged in a discrete affair over the next few years, sometimes referred to as "Mr. Revere's Wild Ride", often confused with his midnight rides before and after. Paul Revere is believed to be Trig Palin's father.

edit Second Midnight Ride

On October 26, 2010, Sarah Palin informed Paul Revere that the British had lost World War II because they had lost so many men fighting against the colonists in the American Revolution a few years earlier. Paul Revere immediately bought a horse from a neighbor who had been riding by on a sleigh and, without stopping to detach the bells, rode the mare back in time to Boston on October 26, 1745, to warn the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms and freedom. Unfortunately, upon arrival in 1745, the horse ran out of gas while escaping from Indians, and Paul Revere was stranded in 1745. He tried to warn King George III about Hitler, but his warnings were ignored. Paul Revere then returned to his home town of Boston.

edit Palin Controversy

On June 3, 2011, in an interview with news organizations, Sarah Palin apparently misspoke when asked about Paul Revere's famous midnight ride. Sarah Palin assumed that the ride the reporters were referring to was Paul Revere's second ride, with which she was personally familiar. The news people were, in fact, referring to his first midnight ride.

This was a perfect example of the sort of "gotcha" question that the lamestream media is always asking Sarah Palin. The question could have referred to either of Paul Revere's rides, so no matter what Sarah said, she was bound to look like an idiot when the quote was reproduced out of context. God, those people are such douches. The blatancy of the trick question is expected to help Sarah Palin in the polls. Go Sarah! We've got your back!

edit Later Career

Realizing he was never going to see either Sarah Palin again, and that by the time Rebecca Goldsmith would be old enough for marriage he would be an old man, Paul Revere became a silversmith again. He explained away his strange accent from the future with the signature phrase "I'm from French Canada".

He married Deborah Hitchborne on October 25, 1750, and had six children with her, the third of which he named Paul Revere, after himself. This son became famous in his own right as a silversmith, patriot, and time traveler during the revolutionary war.

edit Death

In early 1760, when Paul Junior was five, Paul realized that he had, by travelling back in time, married his own mother. Realizing that he had inbred with himself, he tore out his own eyes and wandered out into the great American wilderness. It was this loop of infinite inbreeding which was responsible for Paul Revere's poor genetics. A few months later, he was eaten by a rampaging sphinx. His age at death is widely debated at Philosophy and Mathematics Undergraduate Student Society parties nationwide, but is usually given as 5 years, 40 years, or negative 250 years.

After his death, Deborah took over her husband's silver smithing practice, although it was primarily Paul Revere's sons who did the actual work.

edit Inferior Genetics

Paul Revere was his own father. As a result, his genes were subjected to a loop of infinite inbreeding. After one iteration, half of his genes originated with Deborah, and after every iteration, the fraction of original Paul Revere genes remaining is halved. At this point, Paul Revere is almost entirely composed of Deborah's genes. Many historians, philosophers, and mathematicians have expressed surprise that Paul Revere is still male. The fact that he is still male is of particular concern to mathematicians, who are concerned that this is a refutation of xeno's paradox. The fact that Paul Revere is not 100% Deborah Hitchborne appears to be a contradiction of the accepted mathematical statement:

\sum_{n=1}^{\infty} \frac{1}{2^n} = 1

or, in other words,

\frac{1}{2}+\frac{1}{4}+\frac{1}{8}+\frac{1}{16}+\frac{1}{32}+... = 1

Regardless, Paul Revere is in the book of world records as the world's Most Inbred Man. His resultant inferior genetics are believed responsible for his son Trig Palin's Down Syndrome.

edit See Also

Personal tools
projects