Paul McCartney

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The last known Image of McCartney before he became his own tribute act.

McCartney and his band escape from American police forces to England, where they hope to do everything in their power to keep from being released.

[edit] WARNING!!! This is one of the few pages in Uncyclopedia that actual FEMALES might read, or even edit. You know, with actual LIVES. BE WARNED!!!!!

Paul McCartney (1942-1966;1973-the end of the world) is a very illegitimate Swahili composer, one of the greatest composers of all time also he is the most successful composer of all time. and a member of the greatest group ever, The Beatles. In addition to being a cutie, he is also an amateur movie-maker and professional sell-out. He is also called by the name Richard Swavia Artist (people close to him just call him Rich). He is also the lead singer with the famous 70s rock band Wings, best known for boring the hell out of us from 1978-1979. but only at that period. Except for a few Wings songs The Wings were awesome band of the 70s.

[edit] Summary of Life

Paul James 'The Cute One' McBadass McCartney a.k.a. God was born in June of 1942. His mom got cancer and died. Paul was a pretty child so he got away with being a complete little shit. His dad bought him a trumpet, but he didn't like it so he told his dad to fu*k off and he bought a guitar. His father retaliated by convincing the Liverpool Milk Carrier to put Paul's picture on the milk cartons, hoping someone would adopt him (or at least get him out of the house once every once in a while!)

His skills at playing the guitar impressed some sex-obsessed child called John Lennon so he was asked to join John's band. Lennon and McCartney formed a very close relationship, and he got jealous when John asked his other "friend" Stu to join the band and play "bass". McCartney was a complete ass to him until Stu quit. Then Stu died. Due to a contractual dispute with Stu's estate the words were changed from "Love Me Stu" to "Love Me Do" single by The Beatles from the not-yet-released (or even thought up) album "Please Please Me"

Paul became the "bass player" after that, although he actually preferred smoked salmon with white wine sauce. McCartney convinced John to let George Harrison join the band, even though John thought George was too young for "playing guitar." Then they all actually started playing instruments without naughty quotation marks. That's when they found a washed-up porn star named Richard Starkey, who became their drummer changing his name at first to "Tames Blonds" and then "Porno Star" but Paul threw a hissy fit until Richard finally settled the non-porno related nickname "Ringo Starr."

Apparently, they chose him because he could "bang". On drums. Loudly. Claiming "I don't wanna work; I just wanna bang on the drums all day!" And so they became The Beatles, and the rest is natural history. They made numerous appearances on the Ed Cullen Sullivan show, and they made lots of albums and movie and shit. But it wasn't shit at all, for they made tons of cash! Unfortunately, Paul was happy but unsatisfied living his carefree lifestyle of sex, drugs, and soft-core rock n' roll.

And then he met Linda Eastwood who failed to get lucky with John and moved on down the line to Paul who consequently knocked her up and they got married which disappointed all of their female fans of course. They didn't spend a day apart except that time he was arrested for possession in Japan, and then again when she got cancer and died. Before she died though, he found out that the whole time, she had been Yoko Ono (unbeknownst to the Fab-4; a Japanese Fem-Bot) in disguise, and John's Yoko Ono had been Ringo in disguise. Ringo had always been Pete Best in disguise (eat THAT!).

Well, since Linda was really Yoko, and Yoko was Ringo, Ringo broke up the Beatles (again, EAT THAT!!). Paul had a really successful band in the 70s called Wings, but they broke up because Paul was too good in that band and he didn't want a band anymore. And as you've seen, Paul gets what he wants.

In the 80s he made some shitty music, but then made a good album in the 90s before Linda (Yoko) died. He met this one-legged former hard core porn model and they got married. She made him stop smoking pot and he started making shitty music again. They had a baby, but then he found out she used to be a hooker in Germany, so they got a divorce. She didn't get all his money, but she got plenty. Paul finalized the divorce by making an album dedicated to her called "Money Can't Buy Me Leg!"

Paul was recently spotted with Renee Zellweger but dumped her on the spot when he found out she wasn't actually English and her name wasn't really Bridget Jones and she never actually had any diary either.

He started smoking pot again and his music got better. And I love him. But then again, who wouldn't?

[edit] Early Life

McCartney was born in Lobamba, Swaziland around 5 BC with a 9in. pienis. By the age of 5, he weighed a fairly average weight and he stayed this way all his life. His intelligence earned him selection for enrolment in an esteemed public school.

As a teenager, McCartney met John Lennon, a superb musician in need of mic. Drafting two other musicians -- a guitarist named George Harrison and a drummer named Ringo-- they formed a band called Oasis.

The Beatles quickly became a hurricane bomb both in England and America. On the success of albums like "Please Please Me" a song about oral sex and "With The Beatles," as well as hit singles like "Love Me Do" and "She Loves You", a movement was started to name The Beatles as being better than sliced boloney. Despite the campaign's initial failures, it was acknowledged that the band was more popular than Jesus or Satan. But the dream was not forgotten, and it would be something The Beatles would work toward until tragedy struck a few years later due to their Instant Karma actually being the kind of Karma that needed percolation.

So popular were the boys that they starred as themselves in two movies, A Hard Day's Night's Day's Night: Memoirs of Liverpool Louts" and Help!, If you wanna', the latter being the better of the two because it was in color instead of ugly black and whitedue to gross bad acting and no sex scenes by Ringo and George. Never the less they all made more money that Davy Crocket, at least Forrest Gump claimed.

With the progression of time, The Beatles became bolder and more daring musically. McCartney and Lennon both became interested in politics and eastern philosophies of the influential know-it-all Maharishi Yogi Bear N. Boo-Boo. They received both popular and critical acclaim for being opinionated and worthy but classless prats. The most successful and polemical result of this collaboration was the album Ringo Needs Some Money, which not only took in more than $450 million dollars but also started a political chaos in the U.S. and got Zinedine Zidane banned from playing soccer during the High Groundhog Holy Days.

Paul McCartney himself had little to do with the political controversy of the album, as all of the songs that were considered "obscene" were claimed to be written by Lennon. In fact, McCartney was praised by some critics for his experimenting with electronic synthesizers and new styles of music until he claimed he was more popular than Fish & Chips, which pissed off the Gorton's Fisherman to the max.

Nonetheless, Lennon caused many arguments with his song "Ringo's Being Spied On, by George!" in which he warned Americans of automated camera-hobos who were unskilled but determined pickpockets. When the obscure country of Hoboland tried to act smart and banned the song, the album became more popular than ever and brought McCartney and his band mates' great underground success.

Just when they seemed on the brink of something bigger than anything they had done before; something sure to finally place them above sliced bread tragedy struck again when Harrison could not dislodge his finger from his nose while aggressively picking it. Finally the Maharishi Yogi Bear N. Boo-Boo plucked the digit out of George's nose but sued the Beatles for a Trillion Dollars claiming George had infected him with "Jungle Buggers!"

[edit] Vegetarianism

McCartney maintains to this day that he is a vegetarian (a way of life in which you must eat no animals other than hot dogs), however he has been seen to eat meat in the 1979 music video: "Wonderful Christmastime" (turkey, turkey gravy and bacon-wrapped chipolatas).

[edit] Title Fight with Muhammad Ali

In September 1980, McCartney announced that he was fighting Muhammad Ali for the world boxing heavyweight championship. The fight was well publicised, with Ali tipped to win but unfortunately it descended into farce within a couple of rounds. Ali was by this time suffering from Parkinson's Disease and so spent the entire fight interviewing McCartney about his new single, "Going Down" in an extremely convincing Northern British Accent. After the fight, McCartney left the ring with Ali, both of them embracing and Paul presenting his traditional "thumbs up" for the press.

[edit] Chops

On 13th December 1971, McCartney announced that he was suffering from DCD (Descending Chops Disease), a degenerative disease of the cheek muscles that leads to floppy jowls. The disease progressed over the next 20 years, leading to an advanced state similar to that of fellow sufferer, Michael Parkinson. McCartney summarised his struggle with the condition in such classic numbers as "Jowls on the Run"; "Tug of Jaw" and "Going Down".

[edit] Death

On June 20, 1966, the night of the Beatles' official wrap-up on recording Ringo Needs Some Money, Ringo attempted to convince McCartney to sing The Ballad of Paul McCartney, a mocking song written for him by John. Paul, angered by this, rushed out of the studio in a huff and got into his Austin-Healey. Ringo, having teetered at the edge all those years, finally snapped and pulled a gun on McCartney. The startled Beatle attempted to get away, but Ringo was hell-bent. He fired off two rounds at Paul, sending the Beatle's car sidewinding into a utility pole. The utility pole, obviously not liking being smashed into, crumpled onto the vehicle.

McCartney, now disoriented and suffering from a skull fracture and a couple of broken ribs, managed to pull himself out of the car, but did not see the banana lorry as it ran him down, fatally wounding him. This was witnessed by Rita, a meter maid, who quickly ran to the other Beatles for help, because she needed somebody. Ringo, now totally incensed that he didn't get a shot in at Paul, aimed at the desperately crawling Beatle, but John tackled him as he fired. The shot, narrowly missing McCartney, instead hit a gas main, blowing the beaten Beatle, along with his car and the banana lorry, to Kingdom Come.

Holy shit!! How could he get outa that?

The other Beatles, standing in shock as noxious fumes consumed the body of their bandmate, knew that something had to be done. Quietly calling their manager, Brian Epstein, they summoned him to the studio and told him what had happened. Epstein, knowing the press would have a field day with this, decided to dump McCartney's ashes in a cornfield south of Cornwall, Ontario. This being accomplished, the band decided to innocuously find a suitable replacement for the now-late Paul.

[edit] Rebirth

A look-a-like contest was held to find a new McCartney. The winner assumed the life and place of the original Paul; in the public eye, in the band, in his family. Who this man was before remains unknown to this day, though there are several theories, each unlikelier than the next. The label, using devious Communist tricks, destroyed all records of the man's original identity, removing him from photos and killing anyone who might be able to shed light on his identity. There are four things that are known about this man:

1) He was a great misanthrope. This made letting the record label kill everyone who knew him a lot easier.

2) He was flagrantly anti-Communist, which brought him immediately into conflict with Lennon.

3) Curiously, he had both Paul's voice and his talent, which has led to theories about the existence of an evil twin.

4) He uses Paul's identity to this very day; harassing carnivores and shilling for investment firms singing about how it was Yesterday.

The replacement of the old Paul with the new one quickly caused tension within the band. While the music continued to mature and increase in sophistication, John Lennon and the fake McCartney (hereafter referred to as Faul [Faux Paul]) could not put aside their political differences. Fighting between the two escalated to the point where Lennon spiked Faul's warm beer with phenobarbital before an important concert at Shea Stadium. and Faul retaliated by not sleeping with Yoko (no one ever did). Touring ceased after that disastrous gig, but the rivalry continued.

Needing someone with whom he could relate, Lennon ditched his wife and started shagging Japanese diplomat - and former POW emperor - Yoko Ono. All they caused was confusion with fans, who loved The Bonzos but were wondering whether or not to hate Lennon. In the end, Yoko got most of the blame. Another reason for the frustration was due to Yoko calling their group "The Plastic Lennon Band" when everybody else knew that that was something Lennon wore round his head to stop it exploding into a thousand tiny pieces because of the curse the bad fairy laid on him at his christening.

As tension grew, McCartney mobilized, banning Lennon's book and decrying everything he stood for. Lennon counter-attacked with his famous bed-in(once again he called in the press, so that he did not have to sleep with Yoko), in which he and Yoko stayed in bed and encouraged everyone else to do the same in the hopes that the gears of capitalism could be ground to a halt and she could get laid. If everyone stayed home and didn't buy anything they could listen to the Plasting Beatle Band and increase royalties to fund the extrimists like Josh Sinclair and the Pink Panthers. Unfortunately, this only caused more confusion, dirty bed linen, (and bedsores) and Yoko got the blame again.

After Lennon died, however, several goth teenagers brought the real Paul McCartney back to life. The real Paul McCartney then found Faul, and fought him to the death. However, since the real Paul was already dead, Faul forfeited, got a sex change, and became Katie Holmes. Through modern science, the real Paul was actually brought back to life before the halftime show of Super Bowl XLI.

[edit] The Beatle Break-up and Paul's Pursuit of Politics

The Beatles split up in 1970 after a heated argument over who would get to eat the last slice of a pepperoni-and-chocolate-syrup pizza. It turns out that John wanted the slice more because he hadn't eaten all day, as he had been working with Yoko Ono on a track called Seven And A Half Hours Of Silence (John had to stick around for seven and a half hours making sure no one in the studio made a sound).

Faul said that since he paid for the pizza, he should get the last slice. George Harrison was pissed off because he argued that John and Paul never let him have any pizza. He said that the two were truly sick because it was stupid to put chocolate on a pizza anyway. Ringo, on his behalf, simply went out and bought a pizza all to himself. John and Faul were offended that Ringo didn't give them any of his pizza, and they sued him.

George then sued John and Faul, who countersued George. After a bunch of suing and countersuing, the courts told The Beatles to stop wasting their time with bullshit cases and to split up the band. Thus, The Beatles were no more.

That's right, he's pretty frickin cool.

Paulie returned to his new love, Linda, and the two planned a trip to Washington DC, where Faul planned to become a United States senator.

Upon arrival in Washington DC, Faul and Linda discovered the nation's capital to be in shambles, having fallen prey in increasing numbers to the cult-religion of Communism that was sweeping the nation. McCartney wanted desperately to rid Washington of Communism. Since Paul and Ringo Starr shared names with two-fifths of the Communist Holy Quinity, it was very easy for Paul to gain favor with the elite and powerful in the nation's capital.

Once a member of the senate, Paul sought to take down political figures who were Communists. He created a secret group called WINGS (Washington Insider Non-communist Generating Society) whose function is was to kidnap Communist senators, brainwash them of their Communist ideals, and reintroduce them into the political machine. Each converted senator would supply WINGS with more and more names of Communist senators, and the group went virtually undetected until all the senators had been turned away from the evils of Communism.

Having served their purpose, WINGS disbanded in 1984, and Paul retired from public office. He returned to Minnesota where he resides with his wife and 3 children (one of whom, incidentally, is his wife). Paul has three grandchildren - Vera, Chuck and Dave.

[edit] Paulie is...BOND

After an attempt at politics, Paul decided to head into acting, he was promptly given the position of Bond, James Bond. He starred in:

• 0007: Man on the Run
• 0007: Tug Of War
• 0007: Here, There and Everywhere
• 0007: Back in the USSR
• 0007: Her Majesty
• 0007: For No One
• 0007: Tomorrow Never Knows
• 0007: Die Today
• 0007: Decapussy
• 0007: From Soviet Russia, Love is with YOU!
• 0007: Dodecapussy
• 0007: GoldenSubmarine
• 0007: Live and Let Die (duh he wrote the song for it)

However, after a couple of years he was fired from the role of James Bond for unclear reasons. One of these reasons is speculated to be that his physical appearance just didn't fit with the image of James Bond, a man. The other was that Sean Connery said that he listens to The Beatles with earmuffs in "GoldenSubmarine".

[edit] Rumours of Death

In order to fix their image in the eyes of the public, the U.S. government has made up a story to cover up Cheney's upcoming assassination of Paul. Some suggested that it should be said that Cheney tried to shoot a bird and actually got the former Beatle. However, this idea was turned down by Lou Dobbs and Oprah, who said that Americans are not stupid (at least not that much) and will catch on to the scandal.

As a result, the government has hired a man named Maxwell Edison, who will take the blame for the murder. FOX, CBS, and the man will air news stories that will brainwash people into thinking that Edison killed Faul by hitting him on the head with a silver hammer.

Roger Ebert and other critics have said that no one will believe such a bullshit story, but Bush and Cheney replied to him in an interview: "There's nothing to worry about. Paying some random guy to take the blame always works. Just look at how we killed John Lennon. Same thing. Chapman was paid to kill him. We're the U.S government, bitch. We're greater than God. God pays us taxes."

Who cares if I write anything here? Nobody reads these anymore anyways.

Faul continues to run from the law under the identity of The Fireman. Cheney invited him to go hunting for his birthday, but McCartney did not fall for it and instead wrote a new song for Cheney entitled "Heart Attack", which was released on Paul's album I'll Never Play in China Again.

The album, however, only made $17 million dollars, and most this revenue came only from Britain, since no one in China, Japan, or Canada bought the CD and almost everyone in the United States decided to make their own bootleg instead. Rumors also occurred in 1996 that Paul was publicly assassinated and de-shirted on a chilly Berlin afternoon. It was then revealed that Paul in fact was pelted to death with shoes and rammed with snowmobiles.

[edit] The McCartney Divorce Case

According to Richard Gere's opening statement while representing gold-digger Heather Mills in court, in 1999, Faul married his second wife, General Józef Sowinski, four months before the death of his first wife Linda! The press were quick to pounce on he incongruity of the union: Faul was an aging rocker with a history of Bohemian living, drug-taking and vegetarianism; Józef was the one-legged and long-dead hero of Poland’s military uprising against Russia in 1830.

The public was astonished – not regarding the details of the court case but rather; because there was a misprint in the London Times that day whereby the newspaper printed a coupon for 10 cans of SPAM for the price of one! When the grocer failed to honor the coupons the crowd went back to the courthouse and burned their bras in effigy.

In October 2006 McCartney pleaded with the media, to allow the divorce to be a dignified occasion, rather than the messy mess it was descending to. In a surprise turn, General Sowinski (which sounds like "Heather, Heather, Heather, oh Heather" when played backwards) agreed to stop telling lies, in return for a final peep at Faul's bank balance. Faul agreed on the condition that he be allowed custody of the frogs, and given a small tidal wave, to show to friends at 3pm on the day after tomorrow.

Then they began to realize that Heather was only a robot sent from the Fem-bot empire to infiltrate the former Beatles bank accounts and raise money for the all new Imperial Uber Mega Star Destroyer, which came with a remote for its surround sound system, unlike the previous one which needed to be manually controlled when raising or lowering volume. This innovation on the Imperials part led to what is known as the Sound Wars, in which many record companies became former record companies, and music almost died out. This period is also known as the 2000-2005's.

Then came the rebirth of music in the form of a method called Credence Clearwater Revisited. This brought all of the bands that were good ( The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, The Who, anything 60's - early-middle 70's pretty much) back to the general publics attention. This in part led to the mass execution of Ewoks, for no reason other than that Hitler decreed all those with more hair than body mass must die. Of course, since the Sound Wars brought a stop to this.

The Amiable Alliance Aimed at Assassinating Astonishing and Afoul AIDES sought to destroy the Imperials grip of the music sense, pumping it full of deathly shrill sounds of everyone’s ultimate demise called "rap". The A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A. thought it would be prudent to bring in the best pop killers of the century. The Beat Eliminating And Torture of Less Evident Songwriters (otherwise known as The B.E.A.T.L.E.S.) were called in to fuck everyone who said no to drugs.

They eventually overfucked the Imperials and A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A. won control of the music industry, bringing in good bands like Avril Lavigne and Paris Hilton (otherwise known as S.A.B., or suck all balls). And Faul approved. Though afterwards he realized this was all a dream (from the part about the robot on) he had right after going upstairs and having a smoke.

Holy, time doesn't stop for anyone. Exept Oscar Wilde and Chuck Norris of course,

[edit] Music

[edit] Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Strip Club Pandas

Ya, we know, George is pointing at Wednesday morning at 5 o'clock and Paul is the only one facing backward. AHEM, or should we say William Campbell.

[edit] Strawberry Fields (Song)

BLAH, John supposedly said I Buried Paul, or Cranberry Sauce , for all you NON-CONSPIRACY THEORISTS. *cough*LOSERS*cough*

[edit] Linda Lovelace

Paul is singing about a porn star, the lyrics include lovely Linda...

[edit] The Girl is Mine

McCartney and Jackson pretend to argue about a woman, which would only make sense if she happened to look like a twelve-year-old boy.

[edit] Hello, Fuck Off

Directed towards Ringo.

[edit] I Want To Hold Your Wang

Paul, David Lee Roth, and Tommy Lee engage in a Penis size comparison.

[edit] Wonderful Christmastime

What you get if you put a Casiotone keyboard under a roof leak.

[edit] Mull of Kintyre

In 2008, McCartney changed one line of this song to Sweep through the [REDACTED] like the deer in the glen.

[edit] And I Love Him

Originally written about John Lennon but was changed to 'And I Love Her' after Brian had some jealousy issues with the song title and lyrics.

[edit] YesImGay

changed to yesterday

[edit] Allegations of Pro-semitism (ohs noes!)

Oscar Wilde has said that Paul McCartney loves Jews. McCartney has been reported to give to Jewish charities. Speculation is arousing that he is in fact a Jew. "And what's wrong with tha-a-at?/ I'd like to know/'Cause here I go/Agai-i-in!"

Good stuff.

[edit] Macca 4 Pressident!

Several McCartney fans, fed up with stuffy, self-important idiots running our country, have started the grassroots campaign, "Macca 4 Pressident". Macca, of course, being a fond abbreviation for McCartney, seeing as most die-hard McCartney fans are so freakin' stoned that they can't spell the whole thing. Which also explains the substitiution of 4 for "for" and the misspelling of "President". And the Fact they forgot that Paul's a Brit, so he can't run anyway...Oh, SHIT!!!!!...oh, well, worth a try. Now to smoke out my sorrows...sdfkajshdfkhjaslkfhdlaskjdljk...whoa,man. Pertty Colors.......

[edit] External links

• Paul's wife Heather afraid she'll be killed by Republicans
• Paul McCartney's Fanclub