Paul Bearer
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“ My Underpants are riding into the dark-side”
“ Ohhhh yesss, I can feel him returning to a darker place, ohhhhhh yessss”
“ My Underpants-Taker will beat the living shit out of you”
“ AHHH, WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT BIGFOOT”
Paul Bearer is a famous fat, mentally unstable, gay wrestling manager, actor, poet, artist and member of the Mickey Mouse Fun House Club. He has had bouts with being retarded. As well as being the creepy fat guy who escorted The Undertaker to the wrestling ring to hold Takers purse for him. Bearer's job was to raise the purse that he called Pursey up high in the air for Taker to see that no one had stolen his Pringles that he kept inside of it. Later in his career Bearer got hungry and ate the Pringles, and got his ass whooped by Taker and fired as his personal escort. Bearer then would introduce Citizen Kane to be his new toy-boy and challenge Taker to a revenge match that led to Kane and Taker falling in love with each other and running away together. This left Paul in such a state of heartache that he went home and ate himself to death. He also would frequently rape himself.
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edit Early Years
Paul was born out of a post-morning taco bell dump that Uncle Fester took in 1955. He was named Paul Bearer legally, but the family nicknamed him Cousin-Shit. When Paul was little, he was smacked on the head repeatedly when he got his head caught in-between the groins of uncle and aunt, Morticia and Gomeze . This caused him to be a retard. Paul grew up and had to write an essay for school. He wrote about a cat that he had. However, it didn't exist. The cat, Wilbur, could "do whatever the fuck he wanted to," according to Paul. This showed proof that Paul was a retard who would only get a job as a manager in the WWF or President of the USA.
edit Mental Years
Paul Bearer became a wrestling manager since he had no brains. He met with Vince McMahon in 1889, Vince offered him the role of managing The Undertaker on a handshake deal for 2 nickles and a shiny-metal-object as long as Paul promised to feed Taker & walk him around the graveyard once a day. Paul was told by Taker that his purse contained his favorite potato-chips and if anyone touched them, he would bury them alive as Pringles contain magical powers and Taker needed them to survive (Taker was also a retarded). Paul would do so for 15 years, escorting Taker to the ring, and holding the purse above his head so Taker could see no one had stolen them, while Paul was trying his hardest to avoid temptation and eat them himself cause he was a big fat fuck. Paul would resist temptation by yelling at the purse things like, "I WANNA TIT FUCK IT'S ASS" and "WHEN I FINISH SHITTING ON YOU, I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT THE MIGHTY DUCKS MOVIE". Paul later in life was filmed doing this at home and labeled "The Tourettes Guy"
edit Man-Kinda
Paul gave into temptation and ate the Takers Pringles. Taker felt a disturbance in the force as Paul shit his pants in excitement of eating the crisps, tube and all. Taker grabbed Paul by the flab of his ass and pulled him into the ring showing enormous strength 'cause Paul was such a fat fuck. Taker then showed even more strength by lifting Paul up for a tombstone and shaking him around upside down telling him to spit the chips out and give them back. Paul puked and Taker tossed him out of the ring and into a casket with just one hand. Taker put the projectiles chips now in liquid form back into his purse and proceeded to finish Bearer off. Bearer would try to run away, but fell victim to Taker breaking a dandelion over Paul's head, leaving him in critical need of a band-aid. Paul was rushed to hospital by medics and was lucky to survive the ordeal.
The following week Paul returned to face the Taker with a friend of his named Man-Kinda. This new man was almost as much of fat-blubbering-sack of shit as Paul was, only Man-Kinda had smaller tits and a mask. He would tell Man-Kinda to go steal the Takers pringles, but Taker just picked up Man-Kinda with one hand and threw him off the top of a cage that just happened to be around the ring at that moment, sending Man-Kinda over the top and through a few hundred tables in one of the best moments in Wrestling history according to Siskel & Ebert.
Now with Man-Kinda disposed off, Bearer had to find a new bitch who was as retarded as he was to take on the Undertaker.
edit Brothers Of Bumfucktion
Paul would return the next week with his new bitch, Citizen Kane. Kane was big, strong, and just as retarded as both Paul and Taker. The two would feud for a few weeks, with both showing they where as equally and impressively just as retarded as each other. Then at the next PPV, it was set that the two would meet in the first ever "Hell In A Kitchen" match. Flames surrounded the ring, and it got so hot that Paul lost 340 pounds during the event. He still weighed 9834,000 after it though. The match would commence and Paul would try to steal those yummy pringles in Takers purse while Kane took care of Taker. 10 minutes into the match, Paul got his hands on the pringles, and chanted, "Once I popped, I could not stop" then giggled as he stuck his hand in to grab a chip and said in his high girly-man voice, "OH, YESSSSSSS" before he came inside his own pants and munched away on the soggy pringles that had not dried up properly since the bout where Paul was forced to give the contents he had eaten back to Taker. Suddenly Taker dove out of the ring through the flames and managed to break his fall by landing on a 7 year old fan in his extra padded wheelchair (a little insider secret of wrestling) all while Kane laid unconscious in the ring with his head jammed inside his own ass.
Taker slowly perused Paul down the isle towards the band area. Percy screamed obscurity at the Taker, "When I meet Jesus the first thing i'm going to say is SHIT!" & "He's a PISSED OFF Puerto-Rican" but it did no use as Taker caught up with Paul cause Paul was a fat fuck and the walk down the isle had worn him out. Taker grabbed a bass drum from the drum-kit and rammed it up Paul's ass causing excessive bleeding. Paul yelled for a band-aid but Taker would not allow medics to treat Paul.
Kane then pulled his head out of his ass and jumped out of the kitchen surrounded in flames. He saw Paul was injured and laughed at the little fat-man with a bass drum sticking out of his ass. He pointed towards him while gesturing at taker if he did that? Then Taker and Kane would leave together and travel off into the sunset finding true love and happiness together. As they rode off, Paul looked all sad, and announced he was leaving the WWE cause he kept losing all his lovers, that, and it was now a pain in the ass... a bass thumping one at that. Paul left in sadness that night and was never seen on WWE television again... except on that night they showed "WWE's top 10 most retarded moments in history", in which resulted pretty much in a 25 minute segment devoted to Paul's career.
edit Life Outside The Ring Job
edit Finding Jesus
Paul discovered in 1869 that he was gay. He decided to find the only other fat, gay guy around. This man was David Crosby who was, at that time in a relationship with Barista. So Paul decided to kill Barista by smothering him with his fat ass. Once Barista was out of the way his relationship with Crosby started. He found Jesus with Crosby and they where butt-fucking each other. Paul slaughtered Jesus with a hammer several times, showing the only signs of non-retard-ency he had ever shown. When he was done with Jesus' head, he sold it to a wrestler named Al-Snow for a belly-tickle and a hug.
edit The Battle Within
Paul Bearer suffered periodic episodes of intense, explosive, projectile, nuclear diarrhea. It was reported that he used to run up and down the streets of New York City screaming "Diarrhea is A Battle Raging Inside Me." When asked further about what this meant, he pooped his brains out of his nose, did a slight giggle, and pranced away skipping on his elbows.
edit The Racist Cow Incident
Shortly after Paul and David's marriage, Paul and David went to a farm for their honeymoon. Paul met a cow named Pee Pee, who allegedly called Paul a RACIST WORD. However, this wasn't true, since cows can't speak, and who the hell is David anyway? Paul was just a fat lying retard.
edit Death Of A Gayless-Man
Depression began to set in and his weight soared to over 5000lbs after he left the WWE. On October 32nd, 3006, he collapsed through his bedroom floor, into the kitchen, and onto a series of springs which bounced him into the garden, causing the death of 4 crushed apple trees, which slingshot him over the road, between two fire escape ladders and bounced off 3 parked cars. It was around this time that he received a call from Vince McMahon asking him to make an appearance at Wrestlefakia 20 alongside The UnderpantsTaker in a Fat Fucking Bastard on a Pole match. It resulted in a death like no other. The sheer phone call sent so much excitement through Paul, that his erection grew so hard that it punctured through his throat, and he choked to death on his own cum. Paul will forever be known as the man who entered the world because his mother didn't swallow, but he made up for it all in the end. Paul is now buried in Death Valley where tourists come to stand on the mound that is his ass sticking out of the ground, looking like a place to park a bike if they came in a size that King Kong could ride. Paul's butt sticks out of the ground to an extent of 35 feet, which is astonishing, as he was in-fact buried 6 feet under in the traditional way. But that Paul, a blubbery little fat man who stood at 5'2, but was 6'5 when he sat down. Tourists have even claimed they have heard the butt rumble and suspect it is Paul's ghostly ass still going off, but scientist's say it is just that Paul was such a fat cunt, it will take over a century for his fat ass to decompose enough to let all the air out, and expect that in the near future, Paul's dead ass may explode like a geyser, which will shoot so much shit into the air so high, it will be visible from the moon.
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