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“By far the best reason for and against war.”
“Stand for the Queen!”
“Men will do a lot of stupid, fucking shit for a piece of colored ribbon.”
Patriotism is the number two cause of battlefield fatalities, surpassed only by improper foot care.
Patriotism & You
Patriotism, also known as collective Stockholm syndrome, is a mental disorder which is characterized by flag-worship, worshiping an artwork on a piece of cloth as though it wasn't man-made, it is also the orgasm over a portion of some land, ritualized with a sacrificial ceremony which involves hella killing everyone whom your state considers Darth Vader. Patriotism is communicable through the auditory ingestion of feces. Contamination often occurs from politicians, entrepreneurs, country music singers, Richard Albinger and French Emperors.
It is especially virulent through outbreaks of propaganda and exacerbated by poor economic conditions at the local level. Symptoms often include baseless mistrust of foreigners, suicidal tendencies, and lack of appetite due to recent morphine injections to save your ass from that sniper while your “buddies” hide for cover, and leave you to die.
American patriotism is perhaps one of the most virulent strains. It reaches peak prevalence in early July each year, with further outbreaks that inexplicably tend to coincide with presidential election campaigns. Symptoms include excess intake of alcohol, clutching the heart with the right hand, and yelling 'God bless America' at complete strangers. Victims may appear tearful, and have an urge to break into song. Sadly they are unable to hold a tune.
Patriotism In The News
Although not positively identified until 1776, patriotism was out ravaging humanity as early as 1 BC, whilst some eminent historians even believe it may have been responsible for the demise of the dinosaurs.
- Ides of March Outbreak: 1 BC-68 AD Julius Caesar became the first victim of patriotism, witnesses claim that Brutus, Cassius, and others were covered in patriotism when they emerged from the Roman Senate.
- Late Romano-Celtic Pandemic: Circa mid 5th Century CE Britannia was undergoing a massive upheaval as the Roman Empire was falling into decay. A particularly virulent form of patriotism swept across the empire, but it was in the British Isles that it hit home hardest. Local War Baron Arthur became infected, and soon spread it throughout the visiting Anglo Saxons and Picts. Things went horribly wrong after "his girl" ran off with some French bastard. Arthur was placed in isolation in the Isle of Avalon Hospital for Tropical Diseases, where it is hoped he will make a full recovery.
- The Voice of DOG Pandemic 1428 Thinly disguised as religious zealotry; “Saint Joan” rampaged throughout northern France to free the French from English good manners, and restore proper French bastardry. Scholars later noted that with or without the help of a plague, even a little girl like Joan of Arc could best Henry VI.
- American War for Revolution 1776 Planning an invasion of Canada to be led by Lafayette inculcated a particularly horrific strain of the bacteria. George Washington declared that America was the land of the free, and the home of the brave, except for his African American slaves whom he declared to be “equally brave as those English chaps but quite a lot less free. Except for Yolanda, she was technically free, part of a buy one get one deal I got with my cook Maurice.” 
- The Reign of Terror 1793 While patriotism was ignoring black people in America, it was having its way with heads of state in France. Often symptoms of patriotism in France would escalate from mild wrist pain to full blown neck severing in just 72 hours. Louis the Sixteenth and a Third (called so because of his enormously large phallus) became the most prominent victim of the period.
- North vs. South Fizz Pandemic 1861-1865 The Confederacy is formed when southern states walk away from Union tables of the Pepsi Challenge and swear an oath that Coca-Cola products will always be produced by slave labor. Ironically after losing the war Coca-Cola outsources its bottling plants to foreign slave labor.
- World Wide Pandemic II 1939 Germans travel to Poland to infect the Polish with a rare manifest destiny strain of the virus thought wiped out in the late 1800’s in North America. Mutations begin and infect the entire world, one of the worst outbreaks occurring in Kamikaze, Japan.
- This Ain’t Your Daddy’s War 2003-2012 Despite recent educational programs little has been accomplished to slow communicability of the latest outbreak. Last year 20 million people in America alone were infected causing the death of 30,000-100,000 Iraqi civilians.
Patriotism Amongst Foreigners
“We hope to cure Patriotism overseas outright, whilst providing quality parking lots.”
In recent years, patriotism has increased amongst the nations of Johnny Foreigner, spreading throughout the peoples of Middle East, Asia, Africa and South America like a wild fire. Patriotism in foreigners is called "nationalism", and is a virulent and terrible thing, as nobody is allowed to be proud of their own country but us.
Outbreaks of Patriotism were seen in several Central and South American states during the 18th and 19th centuries, along with other gifts from their European Colonial benefactors such as clothes, cholera and smallpox. However, patriotism became pandemic in many places such as Peru, Bolivia and Cuba during the 20th century.
An unusual strain of patriotism was discovered throughout the Middle East in the latter half of the 20th century. Known as the Anti-American Strain (Imperius Wankiyank) the virus spread from the Cashmir in the East through to Western Africa. Causing intense heat to the temple, forcing victims to wear tight towels, the virus literally exploded in pockets throughout the world. Efforts to eradicate the strain through carpetbombing a "cure" has worked sporadically throughout Afghanistan and Iraq, though violent outbreaks are still reported (by the liberal media). They generally blow themselves up, and therefore, they are no terribly effective fighters in the long run.
An outbreak of pseudo-Patriotism (a similar strain is found throughout the south of the US) was located in South Africa, forcing the Ruling Authorities to legislate for segregation of the affected from the non-white community. Within the whole of Africa patriotism is the primary cause of death, with AIDS, landmines and machetes to the groin accounting for 80% of the remaining fatalities. These figures are from the WHO/WHAT? report of 2002 and may vary.
It is hoped that the West's War on Terror will help to eradicate all remaining outbreaks of Patriotism amongst foreign nations. But we can only do this with larger, more deadly weapons, such ss nukes.
Swedish patriotic diseases
In scientific studies of patriotism in Sweden, scientists have been able to isolate what is believed to be two different subspecies of the bacterium (though there is a dispute on whether infected individuals are able to breed fertile offspring); ssp. americana and ssp. germania. As the names clearly suggest, the variants are of different geographic origin.
- e. b. americana
Its first Swedish appearance was in the mid-19th century in a less aggressive form, but it has had severe eruptions in the 20th century, most noticeably in the 1950s and 1980s. Typical signs of illness are vulgar paintings depicting silhouettes of native americans in moonlight, metal badges in the shape of eagles, nicknames ending with the letter 'y', american flags and cars too old to be driven by someone not heavily intoxicated. The lower classes in the back country are especially vulnerable to this variant but the connection between class and disease has not been entirely clarified yet.
- e. b. germania
Very little is known about its clouded past way back in time; the variant has flourished for ages near the southern coast of the baltic sea, but seems to have been a geographically restricted mutation of Indian origin. The first wave of the bacterium was brought to Sweden by philosophers and tradesmen in the late 19th century, where soon many students catched it. It peaked during the 1930s, when it spread to the lower classes by infested rats in the traces of poverty and greed. For the next decades, the bacterium was believed to have come to an abrupt halt in the 1940s, though it was later discovered that environmental changes made the bacterium go into a latent phase. The last known outbreak came in the early 1990s.
This particular subspecies have the nasty habit of sudden outbreaks followed by a long, latent phase during which it is highly contagious. In contrast to the related americana, this variant hits equally hard, regardless of class. The symptoms differ though; most obvious is the causation of hair loss, sometimes rendering ridiculous hair cuts, in the more extreme case baldness. This stigma leads to the poor victims getting frustrated and, from the grief of looking like old, impotent men, rage out in violent actions.
Survivors of patriotism are given awards to commemorate their actions. People like Buffalo Bill, who won the Congressional Medal of Honor for the most redskins killed with a single action rifle. And who can forget General Douglas MacArthur? The most infected soldier in world history. His bouts with patriotism were legendary. Whether running away from the Philippines or hosing down deadbeat veterans of WWI a foaming mad MacArthur always did his duty.
No Cure In Sight
Threats are no cure for patriotism. If they were, my neighbors would be listening to The Clash instead of country music.  Curing patriotism entails passing unpopular laws to allow things like flag burnings, defecation on the steps of government buildings, and the public pie facing of politicians. These sorts of legislative proceedures may be fine for your third world nations, like France, but not in my backyard, bucko!
Popular Communist Hero Noam Chomsky has pushed for more investment in an effort to find a cure for Patriotism in his books "American Empire Strikes Back" and "Human Rights, yeah Right".
In recent years, research, utilising Apathy, has provided a glimmer of hope in the fight against Patriotism. Tests are currently ongoing.
So You've Got Patriotism, Now What?
First, your life is not over. If you're not careful though, it will be over when some jerk finds you in a combat zone and starts taking pot shots at you. Second, move to Canada. Nothing cures patriotism faster than the cold, awesome rural scenery of Alberta. Draft dodgers seeking relief from the disease during the Vietnam War know what I’m talking about. Canada has free health care for everybody. Although you must learn to love hockey.
It is also worth noting that there is patriotism in Canada, but it is not as deadly a disease as modern patriotism. Modern patriotism is all about having confidence in the fact that every decision your country's made in the past was "the right thing to do", and that everyone who hates your country must die. Canadian patriotism is something like: "We have maple syrup, eh?" Also, since Canadian patriotism usually does not involve xenophobia or jingoism (given the fact that they're a bunch of fuckin' libbies), it need only be cured by drinking a bottle of Nyquil. Reading an issue of National Geographic is equally effective, due to their fair and balanced articles on global warming and evolution. However, in rare cases, reading an issue involving animals can turn the reader into a furry, if he or she is not careful.
Alternatives To Patriotism
- Golf (yet somehow George W. Bush can play golf while being patriotic).
- Having a Brain.
- Being a fag (not being "gay", there's a BIG difference).
- ↑ Available through Honest Bob's Discount Negro Store
- ↑ The award was originally called the James Monroe Award for Manifest Destiny in Action, but was changed after an amendment to international policy in the mid 20th century
- ↑ Appreciation of Country Music is thought to be one of the major symptoms of Patriotism, and perhaps the most shocking
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