Patriot Act (football)

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Patriot Act (football).

The NFL PATRIOT Act (more commonly known as simply the Patriot Act of Football to avoid confusion with the Patriot Act of Catching Guys Who Wear Turbans passed at the same time) is a law introduced in the U.S. Congress by New England Patriots owner and former Senator Robert Kraft (R-Massachusetts) on October 23rd, 2001. It was passed by the House of Representatives on the 24th and by the Senate on the 25th before finally being signed into law by Bush on the 26th.

edit Provisions

The law's primary listed purpose is to "enlist the support of the Federal Government in providing financial and logistical aid to the New England Patriotic National (Football) League Club in promoting the Arts and Sciences throughout all it's endeavours, including but not limited to obtaining entrance to expositions such as the National (Football) League Playoffs, Conference Championship, and the Super Bowl". The law asserts that "the government is obligated to do anything it can in order that said Club achieve the listed Goals".

In practice, what it does is guarantee the New England Patriots victory in the Super Bowl, as it obligates the federal government to help them in any way they can according to the Act, which grants wide power for the government to control NFL operations to achieve a Patriots Super Bowl victory.

It grants the federal government the following rights to achieve these goals.

edit Bodies

President:

  • Right to appoint NFL referees (must be confirmed by Senate)
  • Right to appoint NFL head coaches, if a vacancy becomes available (must be confirmed by Senate)
  • Right to suspend players and coaches if they are perceived to be violating National Security
  • Right to perform opening coin toss at all NFL games
  • Right to veto NFL Commissioner's actions
  • Right to overturn NFL referee decisions
  • Right to order the suspension of play at any time during any NFL game
  • Right to order an NFL player be beat up by thugs
  • Right to order an NFL player/coach to do something or be sent to GITMO

Congress:

  • Right to impeach the NFL Commissioner
  • Right to terminate contracts of any NFL players after a lengthy suspension
  • Right to order a hand recount of any NFL game score
  • Right to give any type of drug to any player

Supreme Court:

  • Right to overturn unconstitutional touchdowns
  • Right to order NFL to award touchdowns unfairly denied (for instance, in cases involving discrimination against minorities by segregationist Southern referees)

Department of the Treasury:

  • Right to impose fines on NFL players or coaches
  • Right to set the salary cap

Any changes to NFL game outcomes as a result of Patriot Act actions are known as "Tuck Rule" applications - as this section of the Patriot Act was written by Senator Alfred Tuck (Communist-RI). Administrative actions instigated by the Patriot Act are similarly known as "Being Docked" since this part of the law is sponsored by Dockers. Also, the Patriot Act is a secret law - no one outside the NFL and the government is supposed to know about it (so Uncyclopedia better watch out, or this page might be slapped with a DMCA violation.

edit Effects of Patriot Act (or The Screw the Raiders Tuck Rule Effect)

Since the passage of the Patriot Act, it has been used numerous times in order to assist the New England Patriots in winning the Super Bowl. The first use of the Patriot Act was in an AFC Divisional Playoff game between the Patriots and the Oakland Raiders]], when Tom Brady fumbled the ball, almost losing the game for the Patriots. At this moment, Bush signed an Executive Order overturning the play (using the Tuck rule) and the Patriots won the game, eventually making it to the Super Bowl and "winning." Other than in 2003 (when the Patriot Act was suspended pending a lawsuit) - the Patriots have won every Super Bowl since (except for the 2003, 2006, and 2007 Super Bowls - see Lawsuits and Current Status section below).

edit Famous uses of the Patriot Act

There have been several famous uses of the Patriot Act since the very first use in 2001 in the Divisional Playoffs. These include:

  • Marty Mornhinweg ordered to kick in OT (by some weird new math this benefit the Patriots
  • Terrell Owens given crack to smoke during 2005 season
  • Giving the Steelers Super Bowl XL.
  • Wiretapping and monitoring of Patriot's opponents
  • Forcing Marlon McCree of the San Diego Chargers to fumble the ball during the 2007 Divisional Playoffs
  • Not allowing the Ravens to decline a false start against the Patriots to get the ball and stun the Patriots
  • Forcing the Giants to give up a potential sack and forcing Rodney Harrison to cover David Tyree (this is the only time the Patriot Act has failed)
  • Many more, but they are classified under the Patriot Act of Catching Guys Who Wear Turbans

edit Lawsuit and Current Status

During 2002, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers sued the federal government, claiming the Patriot Act was unconstitutional. In November of 2002, the Circuit Court of Appeals granted them an injunction banning the use of the Patriot Act. This proved to be their opportunity, as they ended up winning the Super Bowl in 2003. However, after the Super Bowl the Supreme Court overturned the verdict, stating in their opinion that "Circuit Courts of Appeals have no jurisdiction beyond Circuit City". Thus, the Patriot Act was in full effect once again, and the Patriots resumed their Super Bowl ways, winning the next two in part due to actions taken using the Patriot Act.

Currently, the Patriot Act remains in full effect to this day, though federal officials have been somewhat reluctant to use it before the beginning of the playoffs this year. However, some provisions (including the undisputed right to be Super Bowl champions) expired on December 31st of 2006, hence the Patriots being eliminated in the 2006 and 2007 playoffs. (a bill to extend these provisions in currently in Congress)


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