Captain Picard

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Captain Picard Is Aroused By This Article

Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise (United Federation of Planets registration number NCC-1701D) finds the content of this article most satisfactory indeed. The gentle, flowing narrative prose contained within this article conjures memories of the smooth skin, supple thighs, and ratty knotted scarlet bush of Dr. Beverly Crusher. Which, if you're Captain Picard is quite a nice thing, I suppose. Speaking personally, that's one of the more revolting mental images of the day, but to each their own.

Jean-Luc Picard after he had been assimilated by the Gay Borg Collective, and given the new name La Cute Ass.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Captain Picard.

"Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks us, and we fall back, he destroys entire worlds, and we fall back, not again, THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN HERE! This far no further, and I will make him PAY for what he's done!" -Captain Picard on Chuck Norris.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard, often mistakenly called by his screen name Patrick Stewart, is the captain of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Picard is most widely known for standing up from his captain's chair and pulling his shirt down to where it should be. This is widely known as the Picard Maneuver, and is practiced by many including his first officer William T Riker (commonly referred to as simply "Beard"). Unlike other starship captains in the Star Trek Universe such as Captain Archer of the Enterprise NX-01, Picard will not be seen laying on the floor of a prison cell eating slop out of a dog bowl. He is much too proper for that shit. Instead, Picard's negative twists of fate involve firing phasers on the Klingons, straightening his shirt, and scanning the debris field for life signs. Recreational activities involve drinking Earl Grey Tea, reading shakespeare, fencing, deep conversations with Whoopi Goldberg, telling Wesley Crusher to STFU while trying to get into Beverly Crusher's pants, and reminding Worf not to fire phasers just yet.

Picard was born in France to parents Herman Melville, and David Copperfield.

The original pitch of TNG strayed too much from The Original Series. But just barely.

[edit] Facts

I'm afraid the Prime Directive forbids me from helping your primitive culture, sir.

On the stargazer he had a captain. Captain Ruhalter Who sounds like something on speakonia or a robot unfortunately he died in the line of duty. But fortunately since he is a robot brand new models were made in his name since his actor is the voice of many more captains in star trek legacy.
Captain Picard is a highly cultured renaissance man, enjoying sophisticated past-times such as playing the flute, reading Shakespeare, and rocking out on air guitar.
Is bald.
Picard has cool mind powers and in his spare time is the leader of the X-Men.
In between his duties as Captain of the Enterprise and leader of the X-Men, Picard held back the electric car and made Steve Guttenberg a star.
Picard's most frequent interactions on the bridge are with Commander Data, largely due to limitations of the script generator.[1]

Out damned Romulan! OUT I SAY!!!

His scalp is coated with Teflon to make it more Aerodynamic.
Served as head of the KGB before being outwitted by George Smiley.
Picard briefly served as the frontman of the Borg, an interstellar heavy metal rock band, from Sweden.
Picard is an accomplished thespian, having played the historic role of a gay superhero in the theatre production and film adaptation of Jeffrey. He declined to be part of the very successful television series spinoff, Jeffrey: Queen of the Gym, and has since been seen groveling for hurled coins in lesser theatre productions written by some guy named William Shakespeare.
When Picard draws the line, Chuck Norris respects it.
Contrary to popular belief, the "Picard Maneuver" is the act of pulling ones top downward, to make your nipples show through your uniform more.
5 Billion years ago Picard showed me and you how to seductively eat a homemade sandwhich.
Picard is the long lost brother of Mr Clean.
Picard is the head of the CIA.
Picard loves to do the mombo.
Picard is not from Nottingham.
Picard was briefly a Borg, and caused uber pwnage at Wolf 359. It made the papers.
Picard bowling team consists of Steven Segal, Sylvester Stallone, Samuel L. Jackson, Chuck Norris, and Worf.
Picard plays Call of Duty, he's the bald guy in the white tux with the tommy gun, gold desert eagle and the martyrdom perk.

[edit] Kirk vs. Picard

Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better

He is the reincarnation of Charles Xavier.
Kirk has technobabble. Picard has technology.
Quotes Shakespeare all the time. Hell, even the ability to speak without pausing every two to three seconds puts him above Kirk
Not only the president of the Enterprise, but also a client.
Was turned into a Borg. Borg are cool. Vote Locutus.
Picard can fuckin' fence!!!
Picard can connect the dots much better than Kirk, for only he knows The line must be drawn HERE!!!!!!
Remained in command of his Enterprise for well over seven years. Kirk didn't even finish his first five-year mission.
Can say "Make it so" in 43 different inflections in over six million forms of communication. (Including Ainu)
Picard actually worked with David Tennant. He is 92% sexier than Kirk just because of this association.
Picard knows how to make a starship last. He only lost one, and that was when he wasn’t aboard (the Stargazer doesn't count). Kirk has gone through 3.
He, actually knows, how to use, a comma.
Anything Picard says sounds meaningful and profound. This is the exact opposite on Kirk's effect on words.
Isn't a walking sexual harassment suit. Hiring Picard instead of a skirt-chaser like Kirk is estimated to have saved the Federation 23 billion credits worth of legal fees and hush money paid to the mothers of illegitimate children spread out across hundreds of star systems.
Has an annoying techno song composed totally of his lines. Then someone took the time to make a music video by finding the scenes the lines were from, and editing them to fit the song. Crazy. (Although, he IS Locutus of Borg, and you will respond to his questions)
Wasn't made an admiral. Kirk told him not to let Starfleet promote him, and he didn't. Therefore Picard is better.
Wore a red shirt and stayed alive through every episode except for Tapestry, but he was judged badass enough by a demigod to be resurrected, only after experiencing a custom-constructed version of reality.
Speaking of the demigod, Picard kept Q from eradicating humanity in the pilot episodes.
And in the series finale he prevented yet another eradication of humanity (even if he may have been the cause)
Picard's doctor is someone you would actually want to get a prostate exam from.
He had a ship's counselor who was nude in several movies before joining his ship.
Picard has an awesome English accent, even though he's French.
Picard and crew know how to get down.
Picard's ship is way bigger. And has a cooler looking saucer section.
Picard would never, ever tell his fans to GET A LIFE!
Kirk was a leader of followers. That's the only reason he (almost) got away with it.
Picard's worst episodes were originally the best ones written for Kirk.
Picard discovers new life, new civilizations and strange new worlds, not discarded movie sets from 1950s period dramas.
Picard's bridge crew doesn't miss 75% of the episodes.
His hand gestures just kick-ass.
Picard's main bridge doesn't look like something out of the Teletubbies
Picard can act out entire Shakespearean plays, not merely remember 5 or 6 lines.
Picard can get his ship to orbit a planet in both directions.
Picard would never ever date a shape-shifter who had previously morphed into a little girl.
Picard has never had a romantic relationship with his 'Number one'. Kirk did.
Picard doesn't need to wear glasses.
Picard has so much backbone Starfleet designers had to cut out a section of his command chair for it all to fit in.
Picard didn't have to reprogram a computer to give him better grades in order to graduate from Starfleet Academy.
Picard has to contend with crap Starfleet Admirals. If he stole a starship only to have it get destroyed, he'd get vaporized, not given captaincy of a new one like in the easy old days.
Picard has a ship whose engines can take it.
Three words: seven whole seasons.
Picard has a personal android.
Picard has to contend with the "Prime Directive", a ruling imposed on him by Starfleet after they saw what complete shambles in relations that resulted when they let Kirk meet new alien races.
The only way Picard would allow Tribbles on his ship would be as hors d'oeuvres.
Picard never met Joan Collins.
Picard's bridge doesn't sound like an aviary, although his ship is home to the mysterious Arboretum.
One question: to which Captain would you entrust the safety of your daughter? (Or, if you're Sarek, your son?)
Picard is far too cool to beam down to a planet, strip to his waist and wrestle a guy in a rubber lizard suit. He lets his First Officer do that shit for him.
Picard never shot his best friend's body into space in a photon torpedo.
Kirk probably thinks a concerto is a kind of ice cream dessert.
Picard doesn't need hair, real or not.
Picard's crew are too sophisticated to be taken over by a bunch of women in gogo boots and have the most intelligent person aboard controlled by a box that has less buttons than a Super Nintendo joypad.
If their situations were reversed, Kirk would nail Lwaxana Troi (or Deanna for that matter). Picard has standards.
Picard would never have let his second in command irradiate himself in the engine room.
While Kirk did make most of the decisions aboard his ship, this was only because advice from his crew was almost exclusively limited to "That's illogical Captain," "You cannae change the laws of physics," "It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim," "It's life, but not as we know it" and "Klingons on the starboard bow." Small wonder really.
Unlike Kirk, Picard's middle name doesn't sound like an infectious disease.
You'd never have to clean Picard's semen out of the holodeck after he'd used it. You'd have to clean up the blood of his enemies.
Picard has only stooped to the dire act of feigning illness to attract a guard's attention once.
Kirk has to fight Klingons to get his way. Picard only has to tell them what to do.
Picard would never wear eye makeup. Never.
DATA!
Picard has a small, convenient hands-free communicator, not a Fisher Price spin-whizz baby toy.
Picard would never let himself get turned into a woman.
Picard and his crew used to solve a week's mystery in 44 minutes flat. Kirk used to take 50 plus.
Picard never has to sign an Etcha-Sketch attendance register kept by Yeomans with hair like a helter-skelter killer.
Picard never cries in front of his crew when one of them gets killed.
Picard never has pretentious episode titles like, "For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky".
Picard's engineers never lie to him about how long it takes to fix something, because no one, not even Starfleet engineers, messes with Picard.
Despite being French, Picard can speak English like a well-trained articulate thespian from Yorkshire. And he can do so without annoying pauses.
Picard chews out Klingons in their own language. Kirk chews on Klingons. And not the ones from space, neither.
Picard can climb rocks without falling off.
Geordi LaForge would never talk to a computer mouse.
Picard's uniform fits. Particularly around the midriff.
Picard had a large serrated knife pushed into his back, through his heart and out his chest... and he just laughed at it!!
Picard blows up another starship more than once a season.
Picard doesn't give his enemy detailed technical drawings of his ship to study.
Picard never has to put bits of Lego into his computers to make them work.
Picard made sure all the beds in his sickbay looked even more uncomfortable than Kirk's so he'd have fewer slackers.
Picard's phaser fires a burst of lethal energy capable of vaporizing a person. It does not fire a stream of red felt-tip pen.
Women chase Picard. Kirk has to go out and bag his (after getting them away from his first officer, that is).
Picard never needs a pessimistic Scot to beam him out of the crap when things get ugly.
When Picard has a holiday he goes home, gets drunk and brawls. Kirk sits at a campfire toasting marshmallows while singing "Row row row your boat".
Picard drank Romulan ale and didn't even flinch. Much.
Picard discovered new civilizations, Kirk discovered he had new syphilizations.
The Klingons in Kirk's day were real wusses.
Picard doesn't need to jump through big stone doughnuts to travel in time.
If Picard was going to kiss a black woman, he’d make sure it wasn’t a crew member, make certain it was well exposed for all to see, and make no use of a lame excuse such as "being under a spell". See, Picard isn’t afraid of the Klan.
Picard has only ever gone crazy once, and then he did something really cute like draw a smiley face in the cloud emanating from a warp core explosion.
Picard would never let his son get killed by Klingons.
If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he'd probably try to mate with it.
Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked around Sherwood Forest. Kirk has no sense of humor.
Picard’s adventures spun off three new series, each longer than Kirk’s run. Kirk only inspired a one-seasoned cartoon.
How many innocent yellow-shirted security officers have been killed by crazed aliens who had taken pot shots at them in the mistaken belief that they were actually shooting at Kirk?
If Kirk was captain when Tasha Yar died, he would have tried to do her corpse.
Picard has more than one token black person on his crew (not even counting Worf).
Picard isn't afraid to go places without a security team.
Picard doesn't wear pansy sailor-boy markings on his cuffs.
Picard has shuttlecraft that can travel faster than Kirk's ship.
Picard never has to say stupid things like, "I...am a Gr'up!" in front of young teenage girls who fancy him.
Picard was actually in his own show's pilot episode.
Picard never visits planets that look suspiciously like a Californian desert, except for that time he met Kirk.
Picard was never demoted to a lieutenant in the L.A. Police Department.
Picard is too slim to require a Kellogg’s All Bran diet, and too dignified to turn up in an ad for such things.
Picard's doctor doesn't have to keep reminding him what her job is.
Picard doesn't have to operate his turbo lifts using hand pumps.
Picard's main viewer is a 200 inch hi-definition TV with Nicam and Pro-Logic surround-sound.
Picard's ego wouldn't demand $7 million for a 10 minute appearance in a movie.
Picard can spend more than 15 minutes on a planet before being shot at or locked up.
Picard's ship was never taken over by a door-to-door salesman.
If the Borg had assimilated Kirk, they wouldn't have learned anything.
Picard's First Officer eats the things that attack Kirk in alien forests.
Picard admitted he had a hair problem, and moreover used it to his great advantage.
Imagine you have to impose your authority: "This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship, Enterprise." Now introduce yourself as "James Tiberius Kirk, but you can call me Jim." See the difference?
If Q had met Kirk instead of Picard he would have destroyed humanity before Kirk got two words out.
Doesn't need glasses to read something on a control console like Kirk.
Picard actually has a house to go to.
Picard's chief of engineering doesn't say: I cannae change the laws of physics. Instead, he does.
Picard travelled back to three and a half billion years ago, Kirk only went back in time to the 1980s.
Picard is proud to be bald, Kirk wears a toupée and won't admit it.
Picard was also Capt. Ahab in a past life.
Picard has gold models of every Enterprise in his ready room...until he smashed them with a phasor rifle.
When Picard got another Enterprise, it wasn't an old ship with a new number, it was even MORE BADASS THAN THE OLD ONE!
Picard knows how to beat a subspace weapon, Kirk would try to engage it in fisticuffs.
Picard keeps a rare and exotic lionfish as a pet in his ready room. Kirk didne't even HAVE a ready room!
Kirk's show led to the first interracial kiss on network TV but Picard's show eventually led to the first lesbian kiss on network TV. Now be honest: which would you rather see?
Picard has his own holiday.
Picard's head of security has a turtle glued to his head. Kirk's security officers die every episode.
On Earth, Picard has a mansion. Kirk only has a lowly aluminum oven to sleep in.
Picard was tortured by Cardassians and didn't even flinch. He even made them feel guilty and taught us all life lessons at the same time.
Picard was able to make it out of Generations alive.
Picard can sing the alphabet really well. And he has the balls to do it on the bridge.
His mirror Universe counterpart watches over Terran slaves and exterminated the Ferengi.
The aliens that he, as well as the two captains that came after him have encountered look like creatures that could scare little children, Kirk meets men in costumes, not scary makeup
Picard never had to wear a girdle.
Picard can turn the word "I" into a multi-syllable word. (i.e., "And IIIIIIIIIIIIIII will make them pay...")
Picards shiny dome can cause such a concentrated blast of light that it would wipe out the Enterprise...both Enterprises...without hesitation.
Picard's most prominent black crew member was good for more than telling him that hailing frequencies were open.
Picard once used his spaceship to surf.
Picard does the Disney Point. And when he does, it starts the warp engines.
If Kirk had made Wesley Crusher a bridge officer, people would have hated him by association. Picard gets a pass because he's so much better.
Picard would have been able to convince everyone there really was a monster on the wing, would have known what really happened in the woods with the bandit and the couple, wouldn't have narrowly escaped a horrible fate with a fortune cookie dispenser, and would have answered all those 911 calls himself.
Conversely, Kirk would have simply killed himself trying to have sex with Rogue and the X-Men would never have existed.
When they each worked with Spock, Picard accomplished as much in two episodes (actually more like one episode plus one extra scene) as Kirk typically did in a full season.
Picard looks like a nice old man, while Kirk looks like he's going to steal your wallet.
Picard has a car.
Picard knows that the line must be drawn here!
Picard has met Kirk, Sisko, and Janeway. Kirk's got Picard, and... Pike. Woohoo.
Picard knows Janeway's got a gun.
Picard's first officer can have a beard without being evil.
Picard never took a tribble shower.
Picard isn't racist against Klingons. He's just slightly pissed at the Borg.
Picard would send enemies to their deaths in 9 seconds. Kirk would have to do it in a 3 part episode.
When Picard goes into Hyper-Mode, he kills everything in his path. When Kirk gets into Hyper-Mode, he would try to bang every woman while in Hyper-Mode.
Picard only needs one woman in his life, though he's chased by several- including one who later dated a demigod (Q). THOSE are standards. Kirk would try to bang more than one, and spurns those who actually like him- and by that, I mean Spock and Bones.
Picard's ship is actually a Transformer, which can destroy a planet if anyone doesn't comply. Kirk doesn't know what a Transformer is.
Picard made Ben Maxwell so mental the only words he can say now is "Alright Picard".
Picard can learn how to play unknown musical instruments by getting zapped by an alien probe. I'd like to see Kirk pull that one off.
When Picard goes back in time, he actually meets important people. The best Kirk ever managed was a girl who had to die so she wouldn't be important.
Picard's bartender is hundreds of years old and may have been Whoopi Goldberg, and has the ability to challenge a Q by wiggling her fingers. Kirk doesn't seem to even have a bar.
Picard has 145,493,490 other reasons why he is better then Kirk.
Picard can beat every song on every Guitar Hero on expert and get OVER 9000!%
Picard told Mr. Worf that his head looked like a fannie to get a cheap laugh from his bridge crew. This, plus the fact that he constantly pisses off (and occasionally kicks the shit out of/kills) Klingons, makes him a zillion times more the badass then that pussy Kirk is. You're confusing Picard with Jon Archer of the 22nd century there. Archer and his one facial expression kills them; Picard just swears at them and gets appointed as arbiter in their civil disagreements. (Actually on several occasions Picard indeed kicked the crap out of Klingon thugs.)
Picard's second in command got his own brand new starship, Kirk's just got hand-me-downs. Hell, his security officer got his own spinoff.
Picard's chief engineer was blind and still kicked more arse in one episode than Kirk's could in a season.
Picard's ship reached the edge of the universe, Kirk's was only able to reach the edge of his own galaxy, pathetic.
Picard has the Borg to deal with, Kirk has only space herpes and tribbles.
Picard has three times as many reasons why he's better than Kirk does.
Picard doesn't play World of Warcraft. If he did, he would be Q.
Picard is the one responsible for the deaths of Spike Spiegel and Kurt Cobain.
He owns a Nintendo DS and regularly fires his synapses.
Picard NEVER said THIS!
Picard's Enterprise ALWAYS had enough power and NEVER ran out of dilithium crystals.
Picard's bedroom was bigger than Kirk's bridge. Picard's bedroom has artifacts.
The Picard Maneuver consists of flying your ship at warp 9 directly into your enemy's face, stopping right when you're up close, and firing all your weapons up his ass. The Kirk Manuever consists of drinking a lot and dancing with girls. <Actually contellation's max warp is not 9 i belive its about 6>
Picard doesn't run like a faggot, and knows how not to rip his clothing during fight scenes.
Picard once kicked a kid named Colin in the nuts so hard he pissed Phylis Diller.
Picard doesn't advertise for hotel booking websites.
Picard had already seen everything, it was too late, he'd seen it all.
Picard saved humanity from anti-time. Kirk has trouble with furry meatballs.
Picard rescued Kelsey Grammer.
Picard played a hard-boiled detective in his spare time. Kirk just played with himself...all the time.
Starfleet gave Picard his very own android.
When he blew up that android, he had already found another.
Picard killed two Borg with a holographic tommy gun. Kirk doesn't even know what a Borg is.
When Picard regrets not sleeping with someone, he has Q send him back in time to bang them, and his standards still stand. If Kirk asks Q to send him back in time to sleep with someone, he would NOT take his time to know them.
Picard's uniform doesn't have a fold-out bib.
Picard's bridge crew wasn't multi-cultural. He didn't have to prove anything.
Picard resurrected Denise Crosby into a Romulan. Kirk killed and then misplaced Spock for a while.
Picard never played around with whales. Honestly...
Picard killed himself and lived.
Picard wasn't an emo as a child. Hell even if he was bald already then he would look better than that shitload of ass hairstyle child kirk has in the new movie.

When Kirk kills someone with a phaser, they just vanish. When Picard kills someone with a phaser, cool shit like this happens.
Picard's lightsaber is 1.3x bigger than Kirks.
That Young Guy starred as Kirk starred in that awesome new prequel- wait! This new guy actually knows how to use a comma!
comma
Kirk's ship didn't do shit in his first film (Except blowing up an asteroid), his ship got its ass kicked in his second movie, then jacked his OWN ship just to blow the shit up in retreat in the third one, jacked a kick ass bird of prey JUST to use it for picking up a few whales in the fourth, got a new ship running under the Windows Vista Beta OS and it got jacked by a Vulcan hippie in the fifth installment (Which is no longer canon according to Memory Alpha), and used his ship to escort a Klingon Ambassador, just to kill him and then later, his ship get its ass handed to him while its getting fucked over by one Bird of Prey in the sixth one. He didn't even have a ship in the seventh. Picard's ship fought one bird of prey in his first film and blew it the fuck up with one torpedo, his ship was later destroyed and crashed on a planet. In his second film, his ship participated in the Battle of Sector 001 and single handily fucked up a Borg Cube, a Borg Sphere, and plans to prevent the First Terran Warp Flight some 50 years into OUR future. Picard's ship sealed a subspace rupture, destroyed a couple of Sona ships and set one on fire...IN SPACE in the third film. Picard's ship fucked over a giant Reman Warbird (with 52 disruptor banks, 27 photon torpedo bays, primary and secondary shields + a biological weapon which can annihilate an entire planet)...all by itself in the fourth movie.(The Romulan ships that aided didn't do shit, so STFU) Now as a spectator, what would you rather see?
During the Skirmish at Kithomir, Kirk fought a cloaked Klingon Bird of Prey, and let his ass get handed to him, his Helmsman came later to the rumble pit in a huge ass ship just to draw away the fire. It took BOTH ships to destroy one Bird of Prey. Picard's ship only used one torpedo in Generations.
Kirk is in the future, and its all retro ghetto. Picard is way more into the future, and it is good.
Picard has more attractive women officers on his bridge, Kirk only has one.
When Picard's second in command realised he needed to be more manly he grew a Chuck Norrisesk beard. Kirk's never even got a chair.
Picard hd so many warp cores his first officer could shove it down the Son'a's throat. Picards first officer never even got command of the ship.
Kirk's fans are so threatened by this list that they have to comment on it to make Kirk look insignificantly better. Just look below.
Picards Enterprise still looks more futuristic 20 years after the historical documents aired (even if less so than when they first aired). Kirks looked obsolete after 15.
Picard has over 200 reasons why he's better, Kirk doesn't even have 100.
Picard has 4 seasons more reasons why he's better.
Kirk was canceled before he could even finish a season. Picard finished 7 whole seasons. on HIS OWN terms.
Kirk saved humanity once and it had to wait till his 4th feature film. Picard did it in his first episode. And his last. And his second feature film; twice: in two different time periods. Nuff said.
On his show the security personel wore Gold (or yellow what ever). If Kirk was on Next Generation he would have been the equivilent of a red shirt. How ever Picard's security personel didn't die every time they went down onto the planet. Just the hot blondes.
Because "And I will makethempay for what they have done" just wouldn't have the same impact.
He defeated Chuck Norris in Hand-toHand Combat. Kirk would try to distract Chuck Norris with his semen while he ran away.

[edit] Kirk vs. Picard part 2

Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better that could also be reasons why Kirk is better

He is the reincarnation of Charles Xavier.
Quotes Shakespeare all the time.
Was turned into a Borg.
Picard is the one responsible for the deaths of Spike Spiegel and Kurt Cobain.
The Picard Maneuver consists of flying your ship at warp 9 directly into your enemy's face, stopping right when you're up close, and firing all your weapons up his ass. The Kirk Manuever consists of drinking a lot and dancing with girls.
If their situations were reversed, Kirk would nail Lwaxana Troi (or Deanna for that matter). Picard has standards.

[edit] Picard vs. Janeway

Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better.

Until this moment nobody thought enough of Janeway to add a vs. section. Janeway fans on the other hand recognize Picards brilliance in a futile attempt to defend against it. Now THAT'S a conundrum.
Picard never tries to act like Janeway, whereas every time you see Janeway, she's trying to be Picard in a skirt, and this JUST doesn't work, dahling.
Imagine Janeway saying "Resistance is futile". End of argument.
Janeway could never pull off being bald.
Janeway couldn't look after her medical crew, so she had to get one that was made of light.
Beverly Crusher was confident about her sexuality. The Doctor has to create Holo-Balls to feel more masculine.
Janeway talks, Picard shoots.
Janeways entire crew was raped by the caretaker. No one, not even Q, rapes Picard.
Janeway smokes cigarettes, Picard smokes Borg.
Janeway smokes cigarettes, Picard smokes Cardassians.
DATA!
Janeway surrendered her starship 40 billion times, Picard never surrendered his starship.
Janeway has problems finding Earth and gets lost very easily, Picard never gets lost.
Janeway cannot act to save her life, Picard knows all of Shakespeare's plays by heart.
Janeway had way more hair, but Picard still got his own Starfleet-barber.
Janeway vs. Kirk section is basically a rip-off of the Picard vs. Kirk section; says it all really.
Janeway's ship isn't even the Enterprise!
Janeway can't sing.
Janeway hasn't got an Irishman on board.
She can't dance either.
Or drive for that matter.
Picard is English and French simultaneously.
She's a woman, who was the retard who decided women can be captains anyway? The Holy Gene Roddenberry, that's who!! Picard never had to type in italics to try and seem witty.
Picard's reasons are less in number and the arguments are BETTER (refer to the one on the top).
What little hair Picard has moves a lot more than Janeway's.
Picard would never help the Borg destroy an unknown civilization simply so he could "get back home".
Picard's show was originally thought of by Gene Roddenberry. Janeway came from Rick Berman.
Picard has Guinan, Janeway has an annoying NEELIX!
Picard can dual wield and still shoot effectively. Janeway barely ever uses even a single phaser.
Picard never lost half his crew on the pilot episode.
Picard knows the tango.
Picard knows how to use a Tommy gun.
Picard can handle two armed Klingon assasins who try to jump him in hand to hand combat.
Picard outsmarted god like entities on a regular basis. janeway was left to their mercy.
Picard's clone can live long enough to rule the Romulan empire. Janeway's don't achieve anything.
Picard's clone can live long enough to rule the Romulan empire in a feature film. Janeway's don't even make it to the ending credits.
Picard's clone was created by the Romulans in a ploy to destroy the federation from within. Janeway's clone was created by and still is a pile of goo.
Picard decided the fate of the Klingon empire. Janeway decided the fate of a single ship of Klingons. Who tried seizing Voyager anyway.

[edit] Picard vs. Sisko

Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better.

Picard starts bald and ends bald, Sisko loses hair along the way and as compensation he grows a beard.
Sisko hates Picard for killing his wife as Locutus, real men don't hold a grudge.
PICARD KILLED SISKO'S WIFE, that's BAMF status right there.
Picard owned god (semi/demi god or whatever you want to call Q) Sisko merely pretends to be one of them.
Sisko had to get Chief O'Brien and Worf so he hides inadequacy of his crew.
Picard was always captain and and always had his ship, Sisko had to be promoted and than make his own ship so he can use it.
Again we have the argument of ship losses: Picard lost two (the Enterprise-D (thanks to Riker's command) and the Stargazer BUT he managed to blast his enemy to hell before abandoning it, while Sisko lost his first ship (USS Saratoga) without much of a fight, and he lost the super-tough Defiant, and about two times he lost control of Terok Nor and he had no one to blame but himself.
Picard fought Klingons, Romulans, Cardassians and dozens of episodic races, while Sicko keeps fighting Cardassians and the Dominion.
Picard got cloned and he PWNed his own clone, even though he had disadvantage in armaments, Sisko chased after some lobee federation deserter who used to be his chief of security.
Picard had Tasha (we missed her ever since) and later Worf in charge of security. Sisko had to get two people for security: Odo and Eddington, later Odo and Worf. Implying that Odo can not handle security himself unlike Tasha or Worf.
Picard's ship was abducted (amongst other things/beings) by computer society which used its memory banks to store an entire civilization, Terok Nor's computers can not handle even an E.M.H.
Picard's crew created a sentient hologram which spawned other sentient hologram, while Sicko's crew had adopted some sort of dog program.
Picard encounters interesting anomalies every other week, Sisko is stuck with a Wormhole for all seven years (yeah it is impressive for first the 3 episodes)
Picard does not believe in gods and nothing swayed him EVER. Sisko did not believe in gods until the Bajorans messed with him and now he believes he IS a god
Picard's bartender is over 500 years old and a woman who messes with Q without any consequences, Sicko's bartender is low grade petty thief who gets messed around with by his idiotic brother, Odo, Sisko, the FTC, Klingons, Cardassians and essencially annyone who happens to go by.
If Picard dose not like the part of space where he is he can just warp to some other place, while Sisco would have to return eventually .
When Picard gets crazy he does it in private (with the exception of senile behavior in certain episodes), Sisko freaks out every other week on most of his crew.
Picard got his own yacht as part of the Enterprise E, Sisko dose not even have decent ship to fly.
Picard has been telepathically connected to his medical officer and... imagine that happening to Sisko and Bashir.
Picard could never be fan of something as forgotten as baseball, and if he were he would (by some freak incident or Q) certainly not got beaten at it by bunch of snobby Vulcans.
Picard has an aura of power around him, Sisko has the aura of a mentally unstable person.
Picard tried to solve his problems with Nachayev (not bad looking for an admiral...), Sisko left Starfleet so he can be in White screen of a death (good to know that MS will be still around)
DATA!
Picard's girlfriend is honorable medical officer, Sisco's GF is convicted criminal
Picard uncovered conspiracy in Starfleet, stopped it and flown into sunset.Sisco did not seen Dominion's alliance with Carassians, Klingon Attack on Carassians, Cardassian's betrayal of Dominion....
Enterprise
Picard's Ship made new life form out of its databanks.
Picard's helmsman would never say "if i get lost ill just follow ship ahead"
Carbonite reflector.
Picard is well into his 50s and still runs a ship, Sisco wanted to quit after his 30s
Picard had fucking kinfe in his chest and lived to tell the tale, hell he even laughed at it! Take that Sisco!
Picard has no need to shorten his ship's name
Picard has no reason to CHANGE name of his ship
Deana Troi
Lwaxana Troi
Picard could outhink and talk his way around Q, Sisko just punched him like the mindless thug that he is
Picard earned his captaincy of a top Starfleet ship, Sisko had to steal a cardassian station to get a command (and even then it was only as a commander)
Picard's ships were all brand new and up-to-date with modern technology, Sisko's station was just a second-hand cardassian outpost
Picard was the captain of the Federation Flagship
Picard can dual wield - Sisko needs both hands.
Picard owned gull nacet so hard in one episode that he had to shave and call himself gull dukat who took sisko the entire length of the series to defeat.
Picard's ship is bigger.
Picard had so many cool crewmen spare he felt pity and lent them to Sisko.
Picard can dance.
Sisko uses out of date injections for protection.
Picard started his season as a captain commanding the Federation flagship, Sisko started as a lesser commander commanding a non-starfleet Cardassian station
Picard beat up 3 Naussicans before they cheated by using a weapon, Sisko only hit Q and that was only after Q punched him in the face so many times

[edit] Picard vs. Archer

Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better.

Picard would never get trapped a billion times by bounty hunters hired by the Klingons.
Picard's ship had shields and craploads of torpedoes. Archer's ship had wimpy little rayguns and paper-mache armor.
"Captain Jean Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise" beats " Hi. I'm Jonathan Archer. This is my starship. Let's be friends."
Picard met the Borg first, Archer found dead ones who commited suicide to avoid getting PWNed by him.
Picard would never let Vulcans tell Starfleet what to do.
Picard met the Borg first, Archer just stole them from him.
Picard's doctor was not the bastard child of a puffer-fish.
Mirror Picard watches over Terran slaves and exterminated the Ferengi. Mirror Archer is a lowly first officer. Update, Mirror Archer is dead.
Picard actually gets his starship repaired by the end of his episodes.
Picard doesn't have to deal with the shock of going bald, Archer will have to deal with it sometime in his life.
Picard was in charge of a battleship(Enterprise D) and a battlecruiser (Enterprise E), Archer was in charge of a lowly Warp 5 week-kneed dinghy of sucktitude.
People watched Picard's show.
Picard never kept a dog as a sex slave.
Picards show was never cancelled.
Picards chief engineer wasn't a Floridan redneck that sounded and acted like Dubya who were ex-Wraith Michel (something to do with Jackson one perhaps?)in other uniwerse.
...and his chief engineer was never raped, episode after episode.
Archer can't even see T'Pol naked; Picard saw Ambassador Troi naked... wait, let's just forget about that.
Picard isn't racist against Vulcans.
DATA!!!!
Archer acts like Kirk and we all know about how Picard is much better than him.
Archer never met Q.
Picards ship runs on dilithium. Archers runs on 'faith of the heart'.
Picards first officer was open-minded. Just ask T'pol about the Vulcan Science Directorates views on time-travel.
Picard never had a decon room. Archer used his as an excuse for orgies involving baby-lotion.
Archer never took a tommygun into a party and caused major pwnage.
Picard wasn't played by Scott Bakula.
Archer wasn't played by Patrick Stewart.
Archer fought cheap reptilian ripoffs of the Taliban.
Archer's ship may have never been filmed as a model, and had better special effects, but his series only lasted 4 years. FOUR FREAKIN' SEASONS! Thats even less than Kirks if you include the animated seris.
Picard's show also didn't ruin the franchise.

A video showing how cool Captain Picard is.

[edit] Quotes

Picard was known for dealing harshly with any "back-sass"

Captain Picard does NOT like suprises. (And started his own meme. In your face Kirk! ... Well der is KAAAAHN!)

You are NOT my FATHER!!!!!

"Captain's personal log. The Enterprise is en rout to Sector 10-45 at maximum warp to rendezvous at the flarius system. I'm been sitting on the john for most of the day... That... Romulan ale I drank didn't agree with me... Errrrrrnnnngh!!!"

"Here's to the finest crew in Starfleet! Engage!"

"Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the USS Enterprise! Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the USS Enterprise!" (repeat ad nauseam)

"THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS YOU STUPID FUCK!!! YOU BLIND OR SOMETHING??"

"May the Force be with you."

"I am Locutus of Borg, resistance is frivolous... Damnit... I'm new at this..."

"Engage!!!"

"Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra with the lead pipe in Crusher's quarters..."

"Mr. Worf, I command you to let me lick your forehead things."

"So to get us out of the nebula, you want to get the counselor and the doctor drunk and make them have sex with each other? Make it so!"

"For the last time, that was the doctor's dress in my closet!"

"The line must be drawn here...cough COugh COUGH!"

"See the great thing about making First Contact is that you can wipe out the entire civilization and not get in trouble, because nobody else has heard of them."

"Shut up, Wesley!!!"

"Wesley, I need you to clean the airlock. If it opens while you're inside, run for the green clouds outside."

"We have engaged the-...wait, aw what the FUCK!"

"Stupid fucking flute, didn't even work anyway, the sound was patched in. Why the fuck would anyone buy it for so much money?"

"The Thousand Ships of the Federation descend upon you."

"I am tired of these motherfucking Borg on their mother fucking cubes!"

"Woah. I never noticed that the nebula outside looks like a weed leaf. I shouldn't have had so much Earl Grey."

"Alright, Riker, stand next to me and act like you are going to say something. Troi, sit there and tell me if they are lying. Data, sit there and act like you're working. Mr. Crusher, sit there and look at porn on your helm control console. Mr. Worf, stand there and look menacing. Alright? Everyone ready? Make it so."

"We are Locutus of Borg. Well actually I'm Locutus of Borg. No! We are comrades! We are all Locutus!"

"Data? Shut up. I've been waiting twenty years to say this..."

"Thank you Mr. Data, now kindly shut the fuck up!"

"Yes for the sake of humanity, I will have a small Sprite to go with my Big Mac, make it so!"

"Not the Ferengi again! Fuck this shit, I'm taking a leave of absence. If anyone wants me I'll be in the Holodeck playing Dilton Hill, again."

"The slow blade penetrates the shield like i care dickhead. "

"Mutation: it is the key to our evolution. It has enabled us to evolve from a single-celled organism into the dominant species on the planet. This process is slow, and normally taking thousands and thousands of years. But every few hundred millennia, evolution leaps forward."

"When an individual acquires great power, the use or misuse of that power is everything, will it be used for the greater good or will it be used for personal or destructive ends? Now this is a question we must all ask ourselves. Why? Because we are mutants."

"Twenty years at the Royal Shakespeare Company, now I'm stuck doing fucking Star Trek!."

"NO! NOOOOOOO!!!!! (smash)"

"You know I'm gonna say it. JUST DO IT!"

"Mr. Data, while I can understand your wish to increase your knowledge of human sexuality, I must insist that if I bend over in the communal shower, that you do not violate my neutral zone."

"Captain's personal log. Today I took a shit on Dr. Crusher's face it was tasty."

"THERE! ARE! FOUR! LIGHTS!!!"