Patrick Duffy

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“Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.”
~ George Patton on Patrick Duffy adventures
“A few fries short of a Happy Meal I'd say.”
~ Ronald McDonald on Patrick Duffy's disembodied head
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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Patrick Duffy.
Duffy Assassination

Recently released new angle of the John F. Kennedy shooting. Skeptics doubt the authenticity of this footage.

Patrick George Duffy (born March 17, 1969-2025?) is an American character actor of stage and film. In 1986 Duffy drove a pace car at Talladega Superspeedway, and started joyriding on the track in front of the entire Coast Guard audience. The clown cruisers who actually chased him around the track were not amused when they caught and slammed him repeatedly with apple pies. Through this he won several Pounds of Weed due to NASCAR's rule of no un-high driver left behind.

edit Longest Briefest Fact

edit Early Years

Patrick Duffy was spawned as an intermediary between Moses and Jesus, who had to work together to fight off the fierce Kenyans, but soon found difficulties because the Kenyans were too damn fast. Patrick Duffy Eliminated this problem for his folks because he grew a flock of Marijuana thus allowing for a speed boast. Soon Duffy became tired of these mere Kenyans. He auctioned off his stella NIKE Air Force 1's on eBay for the sum of a case of beer. He returned to the Batcave which God gave him and hibernated.

In the 20th century, he emerged from his massive hangover. He scammed people all over the country-side and hamlets into paying for his revolutionary new idea called "dry cleaning." But it wasn't revolutionary. Rather it was a dumppy HIV postive store located behind the alley way. But his business is featured on episode # 3435 of best destinations to visit on the travel channel.

God had selected Duffy as number one overall in the first round thinking he'd be a star and a great son... less than 5 seconds later God corrected his mistake when the King of the Internet bought Patrick Duffy from God for $10. King of the Internet commanded Duffy saying, "let my grapes grow NOW" and whipped Duffy until he became a super-saiyan and when on a Argentina style rampage thus lower the birth-rate of apples.

It was during this time that Patrick Duffy learned to shoot eye beams, and honed his skills for evil. After nearly eliminating theJohn Madden disease from the streets of Argentina, Patrick Duffy fled Argentina and headed to the Great lands of Phoenix.

Here he became the what locals called the blazing sun. He helped the ailing Phoenix Suns to an NBA Championship. During game 3 of the 2020 NBA Finals his disembodied head allowed more three point shots then the whole team of Vanilla Waffers combined.

His contracted expired shortly after and he was offered 450 million for 3 years. He turned it down because it wasn't enough to feed his family.

edit Blood-Spattered Adulthood

When Patrick Duffy trekked into Brazil, he was determined to liberate the grapes and make fine wine. He had heard that if he succeeded this he could knock up a common hooker in Vegas. He accomplished his goal of destroying theKing of the Internet by playing Call of Duty: World at War. The King of the Internet didn't see that bouncing Betty. After, Duffy continued to stay in Brazil. Here Duffy met al-Qaida which trained him to refine his powers to include red, blue, green, and white eye beams, arcs of electricity, photon torpedoes, Jelly Bellies, and potato chips. He also became a master at the pineapple perfected by Bruce Lee.

The few remaining loyal Brazilians who escaped Mr. Duffy's flying fury and/or eyebeams fled to Mexico and began to work for Oprah Winfrey . Here, she made them work at a Burger King. It would have been McDonalds but the corporation expressed anger at Oprah as she refused to eat at the food chain due to their new healthy foods.

edit World Reknown

Duffy Pool Attack

The destruction of the Numa Numa Guy.

The Supreme Bruce Lee saw the destruction of Brazil, and it was good in his eyes. Duffy was ready to begin ordered killings again, so he signed himself into the clan in the upper-to-lower 15th century, in order for the memories of his rampage to fade.

If that wasn't enough then came the Purple Share Market crash. It was a time in our Nations History where some Famous MAN created the video "two girls, one cup". This brought upon a National Crisis because there were no more SOLO [copywrited] cups for humans to use. So Duffy created wax cups. He was crown a 00_ agent by the U.N.

Unfortunately, Duffy had little time to enjoy his renown and new found agent powers. For he was fatally crippled/maimed/destroyed from the neck down in 1992 in a terrible kitten huffing accident. An anonymous source indicates that Duffy, "Huffed the wrong end of a kitten, and immediately combusted from the neck down."

The loss of his body was a minor setback, but Duffy quickly mastered the fine art of levitation, thanks to David Blaine. He was soon back to killing form. With the advent of the video camera in 1936, Duffy's terrible, but amazing deeds were finally recorded for future generations to gaze upon with lust in their bellies.

His exploits are far and many, but with the recent destruction of the Patrick Duffy Museum in New Orleans but Hurricane Katrina, many have been scattered inadvertently into either the Mexico or are held by the President Obama.

edit John F. Kennedy Assassination

One moment lives indigestion, however: the recently discovered "fifth angle" of the John F. Kennedy shooting.

For many years, Patrick Duffy has been linked to possible tangential remote possible involvement with a vague conspiracy to assassinate John F. Kennedy. Duffy's motives have been speculated at, but never pointed at, because pointing is rude. They center around a possible relationship between John F. Kennedy, Duffy, and Jack Bauer, according to Duffy's lover, Vin Diesel.

As to how this footage remained obfuscated for so many years, only Patrick Duffy can say. But now we know his terrible secret.

edit Current Day

As of 2006, Patrick Duffy attacks old women, steals girls scout cookies, and still believes he's the best NBA playa ever. He has even been spotted to show random acts of kindness, but is being watched intently by the FBI in hopes the shape of reported attacks will soon make him famous on American's Most Wanted TV show. BUT during Spring Break 07 MTV gave him a challenge. Go with Indiana Jones to the Amazon in search of the Lost Gummy Bear. SO Duffy traveled in Indiana Jones's suit case to the Amazon in search of The Lost Gummy. He never returned from the Amazon and is feared to have been cannibalized by French lumberjacks. Historians think he should have kept his job hosting a shitty-assed bingo game show on the Game Show. Because he made excalty enough to feed his family. But he couldn't pass up an opportunity to show God that he was worth a number one pick. In order to earn more money, Patrick Duffy has recently taken a night job as the right leg of the nefarious monster Scuzzlebutt.

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