Pat Kenny

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Plank 300

An artistic representation of Pat Kenny selected for the hit TV3 children's cartoon series, The Perilous Adventures of Pat the Plank

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Pat Kenny.
“Pat Kenny...zzzzzzzzzzz”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pat Kenny
“Feckin' sexy bitch!”
~ Enda Kenny on Pat Kenny
“Filthy fucker took my land and built his house on it.”
~ Pat Kenny's former landlord, now tenant
“I don't need this crap!”
~ Pat when someone dares to criticise him live on air

Pat Kenny (felled by the Normans too long ago to matter) is a tyrannical three-legged scrap of leftover timber from a 200-foot Irish Redwood tree. Employed by RTÉ for as long as anyone can remember, he presented long-running television farce The Lite Lite Show until 2009 when the Ryan Tubridy Resistance Corps laid siege to his studio with machine guns and threatened to eat him alive if their leader wasn't made host. Pat promptly resigned in disgrace and has been living on bin scraps from the back of a broken down truck ever since. He presents the occasional update on the price of ham, The Frontloin, which airs in the Monday night graveyard slot.

Pat's marriage to media darling Gerry Ryan caused a national scandal when it resulted in Ireland's first divorce in 1997. Ten years later his dispute with a neighbouring farmer over a plot of land was dubbed the "trial of the century" by The New York Times.

edit Background

In August 1957 when the first Norman settlers reached Dublin 4, they knocked over a 200-foot Redwood tree and built the RTÉ studios on that site. Out of the fallen redwood grew the supreme Adonis, the immaculate, the triumphant, Pat Kenny. Due to his varnished finish (and, as he admitted, a tummy tuck here and there) he hasn't aged a day since.

Pat grew up on the studio parking lot, feeding off of the scraps obtained from the RTÉ canteen by day and living in the studio for Stop The Lights! at night. At the age of 22, he met his future wife, Dana while venturing outside of the studios for the first time. However she accidentally ran over him in her Mercedes. When he woke from his coma 42 minutes later he discovered he had fathered three children and grown an extra leg. Deciding he couldn't feed his children and his unemployed wife on canteen food scraps and struggling to foot the bills required for extra footwear as the government announced its decision to tax children's shoes, Pat sought a job in RTÉ's broadcasting department to relieve some of his financial woes. Pat Kenny is more famous for his singing and presenting of the 2011 Eurovision song contest. Pat had to fill in for John in the 2011 Eurovision song contest, due to John's unfortunate ankle injury.

edit Career

Pat's big break came as a cue-card operator on Irish television's current affairs radio programme Tonight Tonight, Today, The Day Today, Tonight. Later in the series he stepped in as a substitute host when original host Aenghus McAnally fell ill with acute gastroenteritis. It was on Tonight Tonight, Today, The Day Today, Tonight that Pat uttered the now legendary phrase, "You Feckin' Sparrowfart!", as he dropped a stapler on his foot while explaining to the audience the ins and outs of Dustin the Turkey Flu. This iconic moment in Irish broadcasting history resulted in him receiving the job of full-time co-anchor.

He became an unprotected sex symbol after commentating on the 1988 Eurovision Song Contest, even being forced to leave Ireland for a short period for his own safety. He lived with eskimos in the North Pole for a while after being refused entry to several European countries and Canada. On his return to Ireland, he was given a guest presenting slot on weekly chat show Saturday Live, giving him the chance to demonstrate his newly learnt fishing and hunting skills to a captivated audience on a weekly basis. His charm and wit impressed the producers so much that they made him permanent host, renaming the show Kenny Live in honour of his huge ego. Pat Kenny's Big Ego Live On Saturday Night On RTÉ One was briefly considered as a title but was subsequently rejected as being far too long, following protests from the subtitling division.

This new move began an intense and bitter rivalry with the host of the legendary The Lite Lite Show, Gay Byrne. So intense and bitter was the feud between the two presenters that both nominated themselves for the the Irish presidential election, 1993 but lost out to Marty Morrissey. This intense and bitter rivalry also extended to the production crews. Years of tension came to a head in an incident which resulted in each show's (female) producers being involved in a cat-fight in the RTÉ canteen. Both producers were given suspended sentences. One participants hair was pulled completely out of her head, leading to her withdrawal from public life when she suffered a nervous breakdown after having been mistaken for Sinead O'Connor.

After this bust-up, Gay Byrne decided to retire. Having reached the ripe old age of 103, and survived many murder attempts by Kenny (including 3 anvil droppings), Gay decided to spend more time running over old ladies on the Harley Davidson presented to him by Bono. Pat's Ego demanded that Pat be given the prime The Lite Lite Show presenting role. He continues to present the show to this day, boring an entire nation to tears on a weekly basis (extensive summer holiday period excluded).

Pat Kenny will eventually step down from The Lite Lite Show in 2008, to concentrate more on sheep. However, it has been suggested that he may stay on the show, and that his other job will be run by his third cousin, Zombie Katy French. Amazingly the first prediction came true in 2009, one year too late. Pat was shoved off to Monday nights screaming in an ambulance to present The Frontloin, a weekly topical debate show on the price of ham.

edit Trivia

  • Continues to deny that he was "Patricia Kenny" for the first four years of his life.
  • First man to denounce Cliff Richard.
  • Nickname in college was "The Plank" because he always had a erect penis.
  • Is reported to have bedded over 40 show girls. Not for sex, in boredom.
  • Was once a trainee priest but was forced to leave the seminary over allegations of sexual relations with The Flying Nun
  • Was once suspected of being "The Midnight Commando", a Batman-style vigilante who fought night crime in late 1970s Dublin.
  • Once claimed to have travelled to space in "a giant hat". No-one believed him. Except for Gay Byrne.
  • Played "Don't Marry Her, F*ck Me" by the Beautiful South live on his RTÉ radio show at 10 a.m., causing 80 old age pensioners to choke on their boiled eggs. A national day of mourning, called "Pat Kenny Day" was declared, and is commemorated every February the 29th.
  • Was recently associated with huge shipments of rohypnol into Ireland. Coincidentally, a week later, an elephant at Dublin Zoo was reported drugged and raped. It had a unusual amount of splinters on it.
  • Sleeps naked in a polythene bag which he believes gives him great sexual prowess. It doesn't.
  • In his spare time, Pat Kenny likes to lure children into his gingerbread house, fattens them up and then sells them.
  • Hobbies include bending hot ones into unsuspecting interns.
  • Is actually made of wood, with a painted-on face. Is currently considering gluing on bobble eyes.
  • Reputed to have introduced the phrases "sweating like a rapist" and "like a scolded black man" into the vernacular after using them while he thought that the mike was off on his morning radio show.
  • Likes to get bonged up when he has some free time.
  • Is very superstitious and insists on eating a newborn baby mandrill before each episode of the Late Late Show.
  • Has been known to do his weekday radio show in the nude on occasion.
  • Once was replaced on The Lite Lite Show by a Dalek when he ended up pissed as a handcart hours before the show was to begin.
  • Avid music fan who has a record collection of over 20,000 minimal techno albums.
  • His life's ambition is to meet and interview Mr. David Hasselhoff.
  • Admitted his favourite song is Drowning Pool's "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor". When asked about the choice, he said it reminds him of a normal night after presenting the Late Late when he goes back to The Lite Lite motel with his hoe-train.
  • He also suffers from a rare gastrointestinal disease which cause him to excrete from his mouth, it also caused his willy to fall off one day while he was in the shower.
  • Offers teenage girls the opportunity to add him on MSN Messenger from his official website and then invites them to "get their knockers out" on webcam.
  • Gave birth to Ryan Tubridy's nose.
  • Was alleged to have once beaten up Terry Wogan and robbed his left shoe.
  • Was once the chief Eunuch Man Servant to Forty Coats.
  • Pat appeared in the longest orgy ever recorded online, two years and four months.
  • In his November 2007 interview with Jerry Seinfeld, Pat referred to him as "Perry Sugarfield Ray Leonard Mojimbo" on 14 separate occasions, visibly enraging his guest, and gifted him with a rubber Superman dildo which he proceeded to violate Jerry with. Pat later admitted he 'hadn't a feckin' clue who that long-haired hippy was, but he sure didn't like my present'.
  • Invented the words "Slobberknocker", "Bejingobejabies", "Grearraajimininiminimininiminja" and "Snausages".
  • Received a doctorate from Trinity College, Dublin in 2007 for services to carpentry.
  • Was the inspiration for the films I Am Legend and PS I Love You.
  • Doesnt believe in the moon, or in candles.
  • Was the first ever man to have actually shat a brick.
  • Once challenged David Caruso to a wrestling match. He lost when he was disqualified for nipple-twisting.
  • Was the stunt double for Angelina Jolie in Mr. & Mrs. Smith.
  • Convinced Gerry Adams to grow his beard.
  • Pat was going to be sued by Kenny McCormick for copyright infringement, until Kenny got run over be a steamroller.
  • Starred in the film Pulp Fiction, as the Gimp. In December 2007, he performed a one-man musical version of the film in Dublin's Olympia Theatre. Unfortunately, he neglected to tell the theatre's owners when he would show up, which led to the sight of Pat in blackface shouting "English Motherfucker, do you speak it?" during the ballroom scene of a pantomime version of Cinderella.
  • Is worshipped as a living god in Bhutan. A sacred tree was planted to honour Pats woodenness.
  • Had a fling with Queen Elizabeth II.
  • His all-time favourite hymn "This Land is my Land" has been and still is a great inspiration for him and he can be heard humming it to himself most mornings in the studio before his show starts these days.
  • Only agreed to move to and live in Dalkey if they renamed that part of the coast road "Pat Kenny's Driveway"
  • His unique end of show catch phrase "Good night-Good night"! was originally "Good night-Good night-Good night-Good night-Good night-Good night-Good night!" but had to be shortened reluctantly, due to time constraints. Has been spotted lately planting flowers and putting up bird feeders on Dalkey Island, as well as locking old and frail men out of their own homes in an attempt to take them over.

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