Pastafarian Sects
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The Flying Spaghetti Monsterism community, like most religions, has many sects.
Not to be confused with Pastafarian Sex
However, all of the sects of FSM love and accept one another, even inter-marrying, further promoting the FSM's gospel of peace and acceptance.
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[edit] Nemanjaists
Derives from the fact that His Noodlyness is said to be a great fan of Manchester United central defender Nemanja Vidic, a well known Pastafarian. Describing him a "a tough b*****d", the Flying Spaghetti Monster praised his loyal attempts to spread the meatyness through the medium of football. A footballer's favourite meal? Pasta. Coincidence? I think not. Other famous football Pastafarians include former Chelsea manager Avram Grant and Bradford City F.C left-back I.R Noodle.
[edit] Piratian
“Alas! How I wish I were a pirate! To be at sea, to wear regalia, to have a cutlass, to reduce global warming. Oh what a wonderful life!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Flying Spaghetti Monsterism
Generally, Piratians are traditionalist worshipers, most notably the First Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
While the Flying Spaghetti Monster is somewhat tolerant of most dress, He shows a distinct preference to full pirate regalia, except among the Labluegirlists. Hooks (ribbons among the Labluegirlists) are definitely a plus. Being touched by His noodly, but small, appendage is guaranteed with a parrot on one's shoulder (or, in the case of Labluegirlists, a "revealing" look).
Within the Orthodox Monsterist Church one must at all times have on-hand at least one of the sacred garments of the Pirate, although members need not wear said garb, they must have it ready should the Flying Spaghetti Monster call upon them to fulfill His divine will.
At Church services, they often call upon their deity, reciting the most holy creed that Captain Mosey taught them:
- Our spaghetti
- Who art in the colander
- Hallowed be thy sauce
- Thy serving come
- Thy strands be wrung
- On forks as they are on spoons
- Give us this day our daily meatball
- And forgive us our starchiness
- As we forgive those who are starchy against us
- And lead us not into Kraft parmessan
- But deliver us from Chef Boy-Ar-Dee
- For thine is the garlic
- And the onion and the bay leaves
- For ever and ever.
- R'Amen
Oftentimes, these worshipers will claim that all other groups secretly worship the false, but competing gods of Macaroni and Cheese, and believe, in fact, that Moominism is a ridiculous liberal myth.
When passing on the lore of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it is imperative to abide by this dress code, lest he unleash the terrors of George Bush upon this Earth. To appease him, a saucrifice must be performed by saucrificing a virgin tomato.
[edit] Femme Ess Eminists
Femme Ess Eminists are closely related to the Piratian sect with one main difference. They believe the FSM to be of a feminine gender, with her large and buxom meatballs representing the equally large and buxom busom sported by the costume of her chosen people, wenches. [Do recall that females, too, have noodly appendages in the form of arms and legs, though I would rather refrain from explaining what her red sauce represents.]
Far from the pirate-hating stereotype that may come to mind, Femme Ess Eminists are pirate lovers and wench lovers asame.
The basis of Femme Ess Eminism was decreed by the prophetess Wench Pip when FemmeSM extended her shapely figure from the skies and ordered her to set the record straight. When Wench Pip asked how, FemmeSM pointed her noodly appendage not in the direction of the entertaining, but incorrect, Gospel, but the sacred and saucy Uncyclopedia.
Admittedly, the name of our noodley goddess does have the ring of lesbian sado-masochism about it, but this is an act relished and recommended by FemmeSM. Most Pastafarians would be inclined to agree.
[edit] Ninjaists
“The Ninjas be a ghastly lot!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Flying Spaghetti Monsterism
The Reformed Church of Alfredo, alongside several other rebel sects, wisely believe the Flying Spaghetti Monster favors sleek black Ninja clothes over the more widely-accepted Piratian view. They follow the words of the prophet Alfredo de Spag-Hetti, in which he foretells of "the imminent end of all things, the Great Sauce Dump, in which both unbelievers and pirates alike shall be awash in the bottomless Lake of Noodleless Meat Sauce."
Representing a medium, members of the Pastafarian congregation Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God are comfortable in floppy pirate boots, tricorn hat, black ninja gi with 2 swords on the back, and a nighthawk on the shoulder; a look, Oscar Wilde says, is "Yummy!"
[edit] Ninja-Pirates of Pastafarianism
The Ninja-Pirates of Pastafarianism are an elite sect of Pastafarians who seek a united future for believers everywhere. They incorporate the important parts of Piratism and Ninjaism to create a more powerful -ism, Ninja-Piratism. While remaining rather secretive, it has been established that members of the Ninja-Pirates have contacted His Noodliness, possibly by use of large amounts of hash-pickled chillies and spaghetti dinners. The leaders of the Ninja-Pirates of Pastafarianism remain mysterious (they are Ninjas, after all), but one has been identified as a long-forgotten descendant of the prophet Nin Jhah.
While the Flying Spaghetti Monster has not explicitly endorsed Ninjaism, the Ninja-Pirates of Pastafarianism use their Ninja prowess fighting in the name of Pastafarianism, so they figure it can't be all that bad.
[edit] Moominists ← THIS
“Hear ye, hear ye! Fractions are a sign of greatness. Well, parts of greatness...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Flying Spaghetti Monsterism
The Moominist Church of His Spaghettiness has brought up the controversial idea that the Flying Spaghetti Monster actually favors moomins to pirates. More striking, however, is that the Moominist Church denies 7/9ths of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, choosing to only worship the noodles of His Noodliness. Protesters at Moominist gatherings hold up signs that read Where's the other 7/9ths of God? and It's 9/9ths or God Owes Us a Refund!.
Archdeacon Pony: "Moominists are quick to point out that in fact nowhere in 'FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER' does it mention sauce, or meat and that others have been duped into worshipping a false Flying Spaghetti BOLOGNESE Monster."
Little known to most, Oscar Wilde is a professed convert to the Moominist Church.
[edit] Linguinists
“Harpies.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Linguinism
The radical church of the Sacred Linguini is a sect that only by the slightest of margins could be called a branch of FSMism. Adopting neither Piratian nor Ninjaist dress, and completely rejecting Moominist ideals in favor of a totally revamped and differential view, this sect regards traditional FSMism as "an old-fashioned, out-of-date, irrelevant religion based on how much Sauce one acquires, and how much water one absorbs."
Linguinists hold true to their belief that the Chosen Linguini appeared almost 2000 years ago (the most radical Linguinists believe that the exact date was 1981 years ago), in the person of Pastafarianism's most famous disciple, Ishmali Camuwundra.
As far as a dress code is concerned, the Linguinists believe that blending in with the crowd and making as little impact on society as possible is the best policy (save for when they enlighten the errant Piratian), however, when engaged in worship, their dress most closely resembles that of the Ninjaists, preferring white for the men and red for the women instead of an all-gender black.
Linguinists also believe that anyone and everyone can become a follower, if only they would shed their thin-and-round-noodle mindset and hold fast to the Flat and Fat philosophy.
[edit] SPAM‘a Linguinism
As the founder of the SPAMite sect, Skamfor Prophet rejected the Henderson letter as outdated and thoroughly supplanted it with the new SPAM‘a Dispensation. In his message to the world, he reported that he regarded himself as "the successor to the prophet Ishmali Camuwundra, pasta be upon him" (purportedly suggesting that his sect is the continuation of the Linguinist sect).
Apparently, the Flying Spaghetti Monster came to the "prophet" in a dream and told him that, in form, he was actually "the all-powerful combination of Spaghetti & Pulsar Activating Meatballs (SPAM). Yes, there is Spaghetti. But there is also Meatball. And you must never forget the unmentioned but omnipresent Interstitial Sauce, the IS of all exIStence." He also informed the prophet that he would be "the last in a long line of drunken, confused prophets. Do not be frightened, for your message's credence will supplant them all." The credibility of "Skamfor Prophet" is in question; his roommate said he was on mescaline at the time.
Since the advent of the Skamfor Prophecy, pirate dress is taboo for SPAMites, as are pirates and those who wear pirate regalia. Instead, all SPAMites wear clothing from Victoria's Secret. Indeed, since their Prophet Profit's ascendence into heaven, it has been revealed that the Victoria Secret company and the entire chain of stores was simply a ruse to get millions of people to wear the sacred vestments of SPAM.
Now that Victoria's secret has been revealed, Skamfor has instructed his followers to shed their outer garments. (For those living in colder climates, the sacred underwear can simply be worn on the outside.)
[edit] Bolognians
A new branch of pastafarianism who teaches the fact that the grand holy Flying Spaghetti Monster is covered with bolognese sauce. They are in constant war against other pastafarian branches. Especially the Carbonarians.
[edit] Carbonarians
A sect that comes from a schism among the Bolognian pastafarians. Their leader, after carefully studying the writings, came to the conclusion that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is Carbonara.
[edit] Labluegirlists
A sect of monks and nuns looking to fuck the Spaghetti Monster. Those religious are very influential in Japan, and their initiates, known as "kappas", live in Japanese brooks and streams everywhere and drown people, teaching them that wanking while drowning will transport them to the Sacred Realm of the Spaghetti Monster, which they call Shikima (translation: "Parmesan cheese"). Over two hundred years, those kappas become full-fleged "poltergeists", and they seek to seduce the Spaghetti Monster, through His noodly appendages, to have intercourse with them by employing a "Miko Mido", or priestess. Labluegirlists are believed to be schismatic with the Ninjaists.
The original Miko Mido, with her assistant Nin-Nin, founded the sect after complaining that Pastafarianism and Ninjaism were too male-dominated, and did not have enough sexuality in it for the Flying Spaghetti Monster's taste. She was twenty years old at the time in Japan (but she was twenty-two in America, due to retroactive legal syndrome).
[edit] Reformed Pastafarianism
One of the central teachings of the Reformed Pastafarian Church is that 50 to 1 is balanced. There is no greater gift that parents can give their children than the gift of faith in Pastafariansim. To give this gift, the best and indeed most balanced education should have for every 50 hours of religious instruction, praising FSM, one hour of criticism of heathen and heretical faiths, some atheist and agnostic bashing should also take place. Then the children will grow into well rounded young adults and they will see the truth in the Pastafarian Gospel.
The other belief is that airport security checks are immoral. The Lord your Flying Spaghetti Monster said when you are struck on one cheek you should turn the other one so that you may be struck on that one too. There is no higher authority than the FSM Himself. So when someone wants to attack you, you must let him and do not prevent him in any way what-so-ever. Airport security checks are an insult to the FSM and His word.
