Pastafarian Sects

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Fsmsex

FSM sects.

“They are sects, but are they safe sects?
~ Oscar Wilde on these sects
“Because there are many Pastafarian oral sects (sects with traditions that have been passed down orally), these sects change much over time, so the sect positions are very different.”
~ Charles Dickens on Pastafarian sects

Pastafarianism, like most other religions, has many sects.

However, all of the sects of FSM love and accept one another, even inter-marrying, further promoting the FSM's gospel of peace and acceptance. The only exception to this is the Talfredobanis, who accept only their own narrow-mided dogma and seek to ruin things for everyone else.

Macaronicism

Macaroni Art

Macaroni pictures made by young children

Macaronicism is a relatively new, but increasingly popular, Pastafarian sect. Members of this sect, which was founded by Joseph Smith in the year 1840, believe the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which they call the Flying Macaroni Monster (often called "FMM" or "F double-M"), to have short, macaroni-like appendages, rather than long, noodley spaghetti appendages.

In the early 20th century, some Pastafarians began making macaroni pictures, but in 1931, the head of the Macaronicist Church, the Pilgrim-Mage (not to be confused with pilgrimage), declared macaroni-pictures to be blasphemy. Now, making macaroni-pictures is a popular activity among young, non-macaronicist children.

Macaronicists worship Macaroni Penguins, and it is a Macaronicist tradition to make pilgrimage to the city of Macca, Antarctica, in one's lifetime. During this pilgrimage, Macaronicists must consume the testicles of a living Macaroni penguin. This ritual signifies the struggle between the "F double-M's" meatballs and evil, and it is believed to bring fortune to oneself. While the consumption of macaroni and cheese is encouraged, the consumption of any part of a Macaroni Penguin at any time, besides during a pilgrimage, is strictly prohibited, and is called "maccanibalism," which is considered worse than Cannibalism.

In the past, Macaronicists have tried to enforce the Cheezya, a tax for non-Macaronicists, but they have, for the most part, been unsuccessful.

The Talfredoban

The Talfredoban is a group of radical pirate Pastafarians who only accept their own narrow dogma and seek to ruin things for everyone else. Talfredobanis have a hatred for Kraft Dinner, because they believe Kraft pasta to be offensive. Talfredobanis also hate Western civilizations like America because of the popularity of Kraft there. Talfredobanis terrorists prefer the use of AK47's (Anti-Kraft 47's), and they use RPG's (Roleplaying games) including WoW (World of Warcraft) to train military strategy.

Nemanjaists

Derives from the fact that His Noodlyness is said to be a great fan of Manchester United central defender Nemanja Vidic, a well known Pastafarian. Describing him a "a tough b*****d", the Flying Spaghetti Monster praised his loyal attempts to spread the meatyness through the medium of football. A footballer's favourite meal? Pasta. Coincidence? I think not. Other famous football Pastafarians include former Chelsea manager Avram Grant and Bradford City F.C left-back I.R Noodle.

Kiwi Ninjas

A branch off of Nemanjaists, says that the his noodalyness likes Ninjas and Kiwis, and Ninjas covered in kiwis. Holding that Kiwis are equle to spaghetti and should be shown as his friends in ninja outfits helping him to conplete task at hand to respond to prayers and such. Offten debating with the Tomato Pirates and Pineapple Dragons.

Piratian

Blackbeard

Blackbeard, an inspiration for all Pastafarians, and somewhat idolized by Piratians. In the 18th century, pirates were in large numbers, and climate change was under control. Note sword and regalia.

“Alas! How I wish I were a pirate! To be at sea, to wear regalia, to have a cutlass, to reduce global warming. Oh what a wonderful life!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Piratian Pastafarianism
Generally, Piratians are traditionalist worshipers, most notably the First Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

While the Flying Spaghetti Monster is somewhat tolerant of most dress, He shows a distinct preference to full pirate regalia, except among the Labluegirlists. Hooks (ribbons among the Labluegirlists) are definitely a plus. Being touched by His noodly, but small, appendage is guaranteed with a parrot on one's shoulder (or, in the case of Labluegirlists, a "revealing" look).

Within the Orthodox Monsterist Church one must at all times have on-hand at least one of the sacred garments of the Pirate, although members need not wear said garb, they must have it ready should the Flying Spaghetti Monster call upon them to fulfill His divine will.

At Church services, they often call upon their deity, reciting the most holy creed that Captain Mosey taught them:

Our spaghetti
Who art in the colander
Hallowed be thy sauce
Thy serving come
Thy strands be wrung
On forks as they are on spoons
Give us this day our daily meatball
And forgive us our starchiness
As we forgive those who are starchy against us
And lead us not into Kraft parmessan
But deliver us from Chef Boy-Ar-Dee
For thine is the garlic
And the onion and the bay leaves
For ever and ever.
R'Amen

Oftentimes, these worshipers will claim that all other groups secretly worship the false, but competing gods of Macaroni and Cheese, and believe, in fact, that Moominism is a ridiculous liberal myth.

When passing on the lore of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it is imperative to abide by this dress code, lest he unleash the terrors of George Bush upon this Earth. To appease him, a saucrifice must be performed by saucrificing a virgin tomato.

Tomato Pirates

A branch off of Piratians, says that the his noodalyness likes Pirates and Tomatos, and Pirates covered in Tomato sauce. Holding that Tomato sauce is equal to spaghetti without it and should be shown as his friends in Pirates outfits helping him to conplete task at hand to respond to prayers and such. Offten debating with the Pineapple Dragons and Kiwi Ninjas.

Pineapple Dragons

Offten gathering to dress up in long Dragon outfits its a sect that says that the his noodalyness likes Dragons and Pineapples, and Dragons covered in Pineapples. Holding that Pineapples are equal to spaghetti and should be shown as his friends in Dragons outfits helping him to complete task at hand to respond to prayers and such. Often debating with the Tomato Pirates and Kiwi Ninjas.

Femme Ess Eminists

Femme Ess Eminists are closely related to the Piratian sect with one main difference. They believe the FSM to be of a feminine gender, with her large and buxom meatballs representing the equally large and buxom busom sported by the costume of her chosen people, wenches. [Do recall that females, too, have noodly appendages in the form of arms and legs, though I would rather refrain from explaining what her red sauce represents.]

Far from the pirate-hating stereotype that may come to mind, Femme Ess Eminists are pirate lovers and wench lovers asame.

The basis of Femme Ess Eminism was decreed by the prophetess Wench Pip when FemmeSM extended her shapely figure from the skies and ordered her to set the record straight. When Wench Pip asked how, FemmeSM pointed her noodly appendage not in the direction of the entertaining, but incorrect, Gospel, but the sacred and saucy Uncyclopedia.

Admittedly, the name of our noodley goddess does have the ring of lesbian sado-masochism about it, but this is an act relished and recommended by FemmeSM. Most Pastafarians would be inclined to agree.

Ninjaists

“The Ninjas be a ghastly lot!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Flying Spaghetti Monsterism
The Reformed Church of Alfredo, alongside several other rebel sects, wisely believe the Flying Spaghetti Monster favors sleek black Ninja clothes over the more widely-accepted Piratian view. They follow the words of the prophet Alfredo de Spag-Hetti, in which he foretells of "the imminent end of all things, the Great Sauce Dump, in which both unbelievers and pirates alike shall be awash in the bottomless Lake of Noodleless Meat Sauce."

Representing a medium, members of the Pastafarian congregation Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God are comfortable in floppy pirate boots, tricorn hat, black ninja gi with 2 swords on the back, and a nighthawk on the shoulder; a look, Oscar Wilde says, is "Yummy!"

Ninja-Pirates of Pastafarianism

The Ninja-Pirates of Pastafarianism are an elite sect of Pastafarians who seek a united future for believers everywhere. They incorporate the important parts of Piratism and Ninjaism to create a more powerful -ism, Ninja-Piratism. While remaining rather secretive, it has been established that members of the Ninja-Pirates have contacted His Noodliness, possibly by use of large amounts of hash-pickled chillies and spaghetti dinners. The leaders of the Ninja-Pirates of Pastafarianism remain mysterious (they are Ninjas, after all), but one has been identified as a long-forgotten descendant of the prophet Nin Jhah.

While the Flying Spaghetti Monster has not explicitly endorsed Ninjaism, the Ninja-Pirates of Pastafarianism use their Ninja prowess fighting in the name of Pastafarianism, so they figure it can't be all that bad.

Moominists ← THIS

“Hear ye, hear ye! Fractions are a sign of greatness. Well, parts of greatness...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Flying Spaghetti Monsterism
The Moominist Church of His Spaghettiness has brought up the controversial idea that the Flying Spaghetti Monster actually favors moomins to pirates. More striking, however, is that the Moominist Church denies 7/9ths of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, choosing to only worship the noodles of His Noodliness. Protesters at Moominist gatherings hold up signs that read Where's the other 2/9ths of God? and It's 9/9ths or God Owes Us a Refund!.

Archdeacon Pony: "Moominists are quick to point out that in fact nowhere in 'FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER' does it mention sauce, or meat and that others have been duped into worshipping a false Flying Spaghetti BOLOGNESE Monster."

Little known to most, Oscar Wilde is a professed convert to the Moominist Church.

Linguinists

“Harpies.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Linguinism
The radical church of the Sacred Linguini is a sect that only by the slightest of margins could be called a branch of FSMism. Adopting neither Piratian nor Ninjaist dress, and completely rejecting Moominist ideals in favor of a totally revamped and differential view, this sect regards traditional FSMism as "an old-fashioned, out-of-date, irrelevant religion based on how much Sauce one acquires, and how much water one absorbs."

Linguinists hold true to their belief that the Chosen Linguini appeared almost 2000 years ago (the most radical Linguinists believe that the exact date was 1981 years ago), in the person of Pastafarianism's most famous disciple, Ishmali Camuwundra.

As far as a dress code is concerned, the Linguinists believe that blending in with the crowd and making as little impact on society as possible is the best policy (save for when they enlighten the errant Piratian), however, when engaged in worship, their dress most closely resembles that of the Ninjaists, preferring white for the men and red for the women instead of an all-gender black.

Linguinists also believe that anyone and everyone can become a follower, if only they would shed their thin-and-round-noodle mindset and hold fast to the Flat and Fat philosophy.

SPAM‘a Linguinism

As the founder of the SPAMite sect, Skamfor Prophet rejected the Henderson letter as outdated and thoroughly supplanted it with the new SPAM‘a Dispensation. In his message to the world, he reported that he regarded himself as "the successor to the prophet Ishmali Camuwundra, pasta be upon him" (purportedly suggesting that his sect is the continuation of the Linguinist sect).

Apparently, the Flying Spaghetti Monster came to the "prophet" in a dream and told him that, in form, he was actually "the all-powerful combination of Spaghetti & Pulsar Activating Meatballs (SPAM). Yes, there is Spaghetti. But there is also Meatball. And you must never forget the unmentioned but omnipresent Interstitial Sauce, the IS of all exIStence." He also informed the prophet that he would be "the last in a long line of drunken, confused prophets. Do not be frightened, for your message's credence will supplant them all." The credibility of "Skamfor Prophet" is in question; his roommate said he was on mescaline at the time.

Since the advent of the Skamfor Prophecy, pirate dress is taboo for SPAMites, as are pirates and those who wear pirate regalia. Instead, all SPAMites wear clothing from Victoria's Secret. Indeed, since their Prophet Profit's ascendence into heaven, it has been revealed that the Victoria Secret company and the entire chain of stores was simply a ruse to get millions of people to wear the sacred vestments of SPAM.

Now that Victoria's secret has been revealed, Skamfor has instructed his followers to shed their outer garments. (For those living in colder climates, the sacred underwear can simply be worn on the outside.)


Carbonarians

A sect that comes from a schism among the Bolognian pastafarians. Their leader, after carefully studying the writings, came to the conclusion that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is Carbonara.

Labluegirlists

A sect of monks and nuns looking to fuck the Spaghetti Monster. Those religious are very influential in Japan, and their initiates, known as "kappas", live in Japanese brooks and streams everywhere and drown people, teaching them that wanking while drowning will transport them to the Sacred Realm of the Spaghetti Monster, which they call Shikima (translation: "Parmesan cheese"). Over two hundred years, those kappas become full-fleged "poltergeists", and they seek to seduce the Spaghetti Monster, through His noodly appendages, to have intercourse with them by employing a "Miko Mido", or priestess. Labluegirlists are believed to be schismatic with the Ninjaists.

The original Miko Mido, with her assistant Nin-Nin, founded the sect after complaining that Pastafarianism and Ninjaism were too male-dominated, and did not have enough sexuality in it for the Flying Spaghetti Monster's taste. She was twenty years old at the time in Japan (but she was twenty-two in America, due to retroactive legal syndrome).

Reformed Pastafarianism

One of the central teachings of the Reformed Pastafarian Church is that 50 to 1 is balanced. There is no greater gift that parents can give their children than the gift of faith in Pastafariansim. To give this gift, the best and indeed most balanced education should have for every 50 hours of religious instruction, praising FSM, one hour of criticism of heathen and heretical faiths, some atheist and agnostic bashing should also take place. Then the children will grow into well rounded young adults and they will see the truth in the Pastafarian Gospel.

The other belief is that airport security checks are immoral. The Lord your Flying Spaghetti Monster said when you are struck on one cheek you should turn the other one so that you may be struck on that one too. There is no higher authority than the FSM Himself. So when someone wants to attack you, you must let him and do not prevent him in any way what-so-ever. Airport security checks are an insult to the FSM and His word.

Radical Church of the Rightfully Vengeful Tortellini

One of the most radical churches of pastafarianism based mainly in Saxony, Germany with roots all across Europe. This group of cutthroats have been likened to Radical Islam. They believe in the literal truth of the Gospel of The Flying Spaghetti Monster however they refuse to abandon dogma or narrow-mindedness. One of their core beliefs is "the narrower the mind, the stronger the faith". This group totally rejects all evidence relating to The Flying Spaghetti Monster as evidence proving his existence is not necessary (and actually a crime) if the believers’ faith is pure enough. Evidence which might be seen to disprove the existence of the great one is seen as blasphemy (also a crime). All criminals must walk the plank. Anyone who does not believe exactly what the Church believes is considered a criminal (including other Pastafarians)


The Church maintains that the 8 I really rather you didn't s are actually the 8 I really rather you did do's. The discrepancy has occurred due a misunderstanding of the ancient pirate dialect of Captain Mosey and therefore a misreading of the ancient texts. It is for this reason that Radical Pastafarians are more "hard assed" than regular pastafarians.


The Church also maintains it has a right to spread its word any way it sees fit and to anyone at anytime due to the fact that they are doing the work of the almighty. Those who chose not to accept His Noodleness into their hearts are guilty of blasphemy. They also believe that anyone who approaches them and tries to convert them to a non-carbohydrate based religion is guilty of a serious crime against humanity. It is believed that nobody in the church should have to tolerate this sort of an attack on their faith.

Radical Pastafarians always consider faith more important that fact, reason or logic. Also all evil stems from the use of common sense.

Order of the Holy Knights of the Awesome Sauce

a select sect that believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster's children are made up of 5 groups.


They believe that the Mexicans are the direct diciples of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and they are the Holiest of the Holy apart from the FSM himself.

The Ninjas are the eastern people that believe in Him, but they lack a human right - the right to be able to consume Spaghetti . this is why traditional ninjas wear full black, in constant mourning of this outrage.

The Vikings of the North were also unable to produce Spaghetti, so they became a warlike people - their only purpose to steal any pasta from other European nations suited more to the climate to grow pasta.

The Pirates were once of the Viking folk, but a group of Vikings under the command of Captain Redbeard decided they needed a holiday, somewhere warm. so they stole the Viking flagship "The Lady Pasta" and drove her to the Caribbean. once there they partied in true carribean fashion, complete with half naked women and much alcohol. while there, the apprentice of Captain Redbeard, Firstmate Purplegoatee found a map, leading to something only known as the Awesome Sauce. as a joke, they followed this map, little did they know what it truely meant. the followed this map for a whole year, untill they finally found the mythic "Awesome Sauce" in the heart of Mexico, the FSM's own land. they each had a mouthful of Awesome Sauce, and a change came upon them. Madness. for anyone who consumes the Awesome Sauce of the Holy Diety of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and is not of pure heart and soul, will be corrupted by evil. The Mexicans, finally aware of what was happening stole the Awesome Sauce back from the newly fledged Pirates, and hid it even deeper in the catacombs of Mexico. and so to this day, the Pirates search in madness for the Awesome Sauce, to no avail. All children of Him must stop this catastrophic event ever coming about, as it will spell the end of the Flying Spaggetti Monster.

as in the original Last Canon, the Midgets were the first living creatures created by Him, and shape the Pastafarian faith.

this particular sect of Pastafarianism was created by those that choose to protect the Sauce as a way of life, as a soulbound duty. any Knight in this Order must gladly lay his life on the line to protect the sacred Sauce, as He has bestowed His blessing upon this Order to preserve the Sauce. a Knight must also be ready to withstand torture to withhold the location of the Sauce. The Special noodles known as Mi Goreng are a special gift from Him to Knights of the Order, and if an outsider consumes them it is an act of sacrilege.

any more information about the Order is top secret and cannot be made public, for the good of the Awesome Sauce and its Creator, The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Parsley Spriggans

People in this sect believe that the Holy Pasta is accompanied by an entirely superfluous sprig of parsley. This parsley does not do anything, but is very very sad if you do not believe in it. Many Spriggans assert that it is not even holy, and is only coincidentally to be found near the Monster. However, that only makes it more pathetic and in need of one's belief. Radical Spriggans even hold that it is morally better to selflessly love the Sprig, than to selfishly worship the all-powerful Pasta.

7th Minute Pastafarians

These Reformed Carbonarian Pastafarians believe every 7th minute is a holy minute, because the FSM created the Pastas and the Earth in just under 7 minutes. Will cook pasta always for 7 minutes. Fresh water only pirates.

Order of the Illumighetti

The Illumighetti is a secret society of pasta-fearing nobility who guard the sacred Linguini Code of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, a long hidden document that reveals his noodliness’s greater plans for humanity. Members of the order hold positions of power and status to issue a new world order according to his word.

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