From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Due to the rise in Flying Spaghetti Monsterist activity as of the Great Unsilencing, multiple events have rocked the Flying Spaghetti Monsterist community.
edit SPAM‘a Linguinism
- (Spaghetti & Pulsar Activating Meatballs) Linguinism is an FSM splinter group. Claiming to have the One, True Letter to the Kansas School Board, SPAM‘a's founder, Skamfor Profit, called for a Holy War against FSM. In their founder's words, entitled "95 Feces," which he nailed to the sliding glass door of the First Church of Pastafarian Science (which was then known as the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion), Prophet Profit, referring to Pastafarians, stated
|First, their temples should be set on fire, and whatever does not burn up should be covered or spread over with dirt so that no one may ever be able to see a cinder or a stone of it. . . . [Pastafarian homes should likewise be] broken down or destroyed. Pastafarians should then be put under one roof or in a stable . . . in order that they may realize that they are not masters in our land. They should be put to work to earn their living by the sweat of their noses . . . These poisonous bitter worms should be stripped of their belongings which they have extorted usuriously from us and driven out of the country for all time.|
Newsflash! The Alfredo/Pastafarian Alliance (the APA) has launched a peremptory campaign of violence against the peace loving SPAMites. Capitalizing on the the universal antipathy for unsolicited email, the APA has falsely accused SPAM‘a Linguinism of sending out mass emails promising larger peni, eternal Viagrarian erections, and the like. They have begun to recruit and actively engage in violent Anti-spamitic propaganda.
edit Time Noodle
- FSMist Lunatic Gene Rayvioli, created a new theory regarding the true nature of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This was immortalized in a speech at a congregation many, many years ago. (We have records of this, but they're under the couch and I can't reach.) In it, he alluded to four simultaneous meatballs contained within 24 simultaneous noodles, stating that the FSMist clerics have educated their followers stupid. He also claimed that pairs are zero and that learning about the pairs of meatballs from the word monster are evil. However, upon finishing his tirade, Gene's entire gastrointestinal tract became filled with Miracle Parmesan before he could utter another word, and promptly died of asphyxiation. To this day, no one knows if Gene had stumbled onto some Noodly Truth, or if the Flying Spaghetti Monster was so annoyed by Gene that in His great wisdom, He shut Gene the hell up to spare His followers yet another babbling loony. It still remains that there are a scant few that attempt to unravel this mystery though extensive brain damage.
edit Moominist Church of His Spaghettiness
- The Moominists believe that the FSM was created from a manicotti base. A plea from Arch Deacon Pony "Despite many factions of this church being heretical to our beliefs, we are willing to accept that we can exist together in harmony, for the time being at least. However, I feel that there is an urgent mission that we must address immediately. The maniacal SPAMites are declaring holy war on FSMism. We can not stand idly by and watch as the cornerstone of our church is destroyed. Surely, once FSMism has been erased other churches will find themselves coming under the very same pressures. First, they will come for the Pastafarians. Then they will come for the Moominists. When they come for you, there will be nobody left to protest. We must join together to rid the world of the SPAMation abomination. Together we can triumph!"
edit Flying SpaghettiOs Monster
- The Campbell Soup Company is widely blamed for this offshoot of FSM.
It is claimed that the Flying SpaghettiOs Monster is a more perfect being than the Flying Spaghetti Monster, what with it being a circle and developed by a major multinational corporation and all. This has long since been proven as a marketing hoax after 43,666,OU8. Twelve people died while participating in Campbell sanctioned rituals and were summarily ground up and made into more soup.
The Rotinianians (also known as the Church of the Twisted Noodle) believe in a Twisted God constructed from Rotini. The church was founded by Oliver Twist, and holds completely different sacraments from those of the other church schisms. For instance, their Noodle Dance is a variation on The Twist, which is danced upon a plastic sheet from the game Twister, performed to the song Twist & Shout by the band Twisted Sister.
edit Esoteric Order of the Giant Spaghetti Monster
This minor, distantly related sect reveres the Giant spaghetti monster rather than the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Their holy day is Monday, which is why nobody likes them. Dull and pointless, the Esoteric Order of GSM is comprised of people who acknowledge the powers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but are too slow-witted to realize His glorious noodliness.
edit First United Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
The First United Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster believe in "Noodle Harmony" a document which states that the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) created all noodles in his image to be His Divine representation on Earth. This dictates that ALL noodles, regardless of seasonings, texture, or floppiness must be accepted as representations of the FSM and should not at any expense be turned away from anyone and must be eaten reverently and with respect. As to the ninja regalia the church believes that through his divine power the FSM chose pirates as his HUMAN representation on Earth. This belief dictates that true followers dress as pirates every single day of their lives as to appease His Noodly Appendage. Prayer is viewed as reverent and accompanied by the consumption of spaghetti before and after the prayer to better understand the FSM and his plans for our lives. Holidays include "Festival of the Ramen" in which the ramen noodles are the only thing to be consumed that day as it is the common belief that ramen was the first noodle created by the FSM in his image. The day is capped-off at sunset when followers cover themselves in ramen and sing praises to the FSM. The church is currently headed by His Noodly Holiness Sir Logan Wolf and is based primarily in midstate Pennsylvania.
edit Reformed Pastafarianism
One of the central teachings of the Reformed Pastafarian Church is that 50 to 1 is balanced. There is no greater gift that parents can give their children than the gift of faith in Pastafariansim. To give this gift, the best and indeed most balanced education should have for every 50 hours of religious instruction, praising FSM, one hour of criticism of heathen and heretical faiths, some atheist and agnostic bashing should also take place. Then the children will grow into well rounded young adults and they will see the truth in the Pastafarian Gospel.
The other belief is that airport security checks are immoral. The Lord your Flying Spaghetti Monster said when you are struck on one cheek you should turn the other one so that you may be struck on that one too. There is no higher authority than the FSM Himself. So when someone wants to attack you, you must let him and do not prevent him in any way what-so-ever. Airport security checks are an insult to the FSM and His word.