Panzy Porsche
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Panzy Porsche (April 1, 1912 - April 1, 1982) was a Slobovian automotive engineer. While he did work for a short time with the famous Porsche motor company, Panzy is not related to Ferry or Butzi, despite the name (and he's not gay). What he lacked in engineering talent, he more than made up with in his abilities to persuade and sell his ideas.
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[edit] Pre-World War II
He was definitely a man before his time. In engineering school and several years afterward, he pursued many advanced concepts despite the scorn and ridicule of his schoolmates and professors:
- the demi-cycle: taking the unicycle to the next step with it's half-wheel design.
- the bratwurstwagen: a vehicle that would use excess power while idling to create and cook German sausages, a precursor to modern hybrid automobiles.
- the one liter stein holder: up to this point neither cup-holders, nor drunk driving had been invented - a true visionary.
[edit] World War II
His power of persuasion or "Scheiße des Stiers" as it were, landed him a job during World War II with the German Army. Unfortunately for them, he produced a number of ill-fated tank designs, few of which saw service.
While Ferdinand Porsche was producing Panzerkampfwagens, known as Tiger tanks. In strange parallel, Panzy was producing Panzykampfwagens, known as Pussycat tanks. Panzy or Pussy tanks proved to be beyond the materials and manufacturing methods at the time, which were not up to the challenge of making his designs workable.
Like many Germans, he saw French designs such as Bugatti and had an instinctive desire to defeat them, overwhelm them, and make them his own. His tank designs, therefore, were very organic, sleek, and flowing. Even today, you can imagine seeing one gracefully flowing around the Maginot Line with finesse. On more than one occasion, the French simply laid down their arms, smoked a cigarette, sipped a glass of wine, and applauded the design of the tank. Bravo! In some ways he had the ability to get into the mind of his enemy. Indeed, there are many famous photographs of Parisians brought to tears by the beauty of his designer tanks.
Unfortunately, the British and the Americans never had any respect for stylish tanks, or anything for that matter. After D-Day, Panzy tanks were actually sought after, and destroyed. While the Pussy I and Pussy II tanks were produced in limited numbers, Panzy was eventually fired by the German Army.
[edit] Post-War
After the war, Panzy managed to B.S. his way into an engineering job with Ferdinand Porsche. His powers of persuasion eventually gained what was in essence a blank check: his own version of the Porsche 911, with his design, no oversight, nor veto over his design. He emerged with the Porsche 911 2+2+2 Targa.
[edit] Porsche 911 2+2+2 Targa
The 911 2+2+2 Targa, as its name implies, is a rear engine sports car with seating for six and removable roof tops. Many consider this the precursor to mini-vans, SUV's, and sport Ute’s. But alas, Panzy was ahead of his time. Even the French balked at his avant-garde interpretation of the 911. Only a handful of 911 2+2+2's were created, and the entire debacle cost Panzy his job and all his B.S.'ing efforts.
[edit] Decline and Death and Legend
Panzy never seemed to recover after the 911 2+2+2 prototype. He continued to design automobiles, though none of his designs ever made a major production run. He died penniless and insane in 1982.
However, there are conspiracy theorists (I swear I wouldn't make this up) that think that he is still alive. They site the mini-van, sport ute's, and any French car as their proof. There are others that believe Chris Bangle of BMW has a Ouija board hooked to a computer that channels designs from Panzy for his latest BMW designs and also predict a future BMW Aztek.
