UnNews:Tired of Humanity's Shit, God Unleashes Panther 2.0
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Tired of Humanity's Shit, God Unleashes Panther 2.0
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 31, 2015, 06:02:UTC)(
20 May 2008
Mount Sinai, Africa, At a global press conference last Thursday, God, surrounded by a group of his most bad-ass angels, declared, "It's about time we cleaned up this mess you humans have created. You thought the Flood was bad? This will fuck you up."
Humans around the area were the first to witness God's latest creation, the Panther version 2 point 0. At first, the locals gawked in amazement, but were soon vaporized by some unknown source emanating from the panther's direction.
"It was amazing!" said one of the three survivors. "I think it had five legs or something! It was pretty damn cool! ...That is, until it ripped my face off with its tail, pulled out every single hair on my body and capped my ass."
Archangel Michael, chief architect of the Panther 2.0, said that the engineering process was longer than the actual creation. "It took 8 angel engineers 5 months to create the Panther 2.0. We had some bugs coming out with this version, such as how to make it self-aware. The intelligence software we used on the humans has been obsolete for thousands of years now. We haven't updated it in a while, because God has never had a 'plague' like this before. I think the humans are out for the count now. How d'ya feel bein' pushed off the top of the food chain? I know, its gotta suck! Sorry, huma-roonies!"
Mass-murderer and Head Boss of the Christian gang, God, said that this was his biggest breakthrough yet in the field of plague-ology. "I don't know how the humans are going to escape my wrath THIS time. I've been letting them slide for too long; it's time to clear the slate." God, who looked dazzling in his three-piece suit - made of real walrus - said that "There's no escape this time. No boat that you can build, no prophet to lead the migration. There's no migrating away from THIS shit, THAT'S for damn sure. THIS time, they'll think twice before making the Spotted Boobler an endangered species!"
President George W. Bush sent a special message to the American people on the following Tuesday: "My fellow Americans, I'm sure that this is a lesson God is trying to teach us. If we had only outlawed gay marriage sooner, we wouldn't be eaten by three story tall terrori- panthers, now. Atheists and the rest of those folks who aren't Christians won't get the symbolism, but I do! I, the guy who choked on a pretzel, understand God's master plan." Bush called a special meeting of congress to discuss new and more effective ways to pray.
Plans for Panther 2.1 are in the works, and basic additions to the design include the ability to fly, change gas prices on a whim, and nuclear-powered ultrasonic ninja action. "We have a tight schedule, but I think the team'll pull through." Said Michael. "We have to wipe out humanity by mid-2012 or we won't get our Christmas bonuses."
During the writing of this article, the entire UnNews opinion staff were killed writing their op-ed responses on God's latest "unleashing" when a rogue prototype of The Panther 2.0 escaped from the San Pedro zoo.
Air Force Command has commented that the panthers are impervious to their warmest explodey bombs, and their most delicious cat biscuits. "It's incredible that they don't like these treats! I mean have you tried them? They're fuckin' AMAZING! Uh... Not that I sit alone in my living room eating kitty treats or anything... That would be WEIRD."
The big cats are advancing in technology exactly twelve thousand times quicker than humanity, reaching the renaissance at lunch, the information age at tea time, and the age with all the blinky lights and technobabble at around bath-time.
When asked the reason of the unleashing of The Panther, God named his grievances as a "Sex in the City" movie, gay marriage, Encyclopedia Dramatica, gay marriage, and Jay Leno's monologues to name a few. God's press agent released a full list on Wednesday, but concluded "It doesn't matter, anymore: You're all screwed anyway. Next time Harrison County figures they can elect a pro-gay-marriage County Tax Assessor, they'd better fucking think twice."