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“That makes me a saaaaaaad panda.”
~ Sexual Harassmnt panda on Sexual harassment
Giant Panda

Woah. That's a LOT of Zero's!

Cute me me

"That is a very big gun mister, but what is it for?"

“Up until now, the panda remains the only anti-racism animal, as it remains white, black AND asain! Take THAT you Niggers!!”
~ Anti-Racism Protest Leader of Kentucky on Racism.

FIRE MY LAZER BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A mythical creature which is a variant of the common bear that is desperately trying to become extinct by only eating bamboo, becoming increasingly popular to people as baby-less sex, and hiding from zoos in the mountains of China. Pandas are known as the foremost threat to the survival of the human species (homo sapiens) and are known to attack unprovoked, usually with the two balls in their head. Although seemingly cuddly, children should be reminded that these bears tear you limb from limb for their entertainment and devour your balls. Any person who swears loyalty to PFF are usually safe from such attacks.

Porcupines are the panda's sworn enemy and anyone found by a panda with any such creature can expect to be attacked on sight. They will chew your head off! GRAWR! However, pandas are best friends with the dinosaur. These creatures have inspired pandas all over the world to become extinct.

Pandas are known to write in their diaries every other Tuesday and mainly write about the lamp they found in the magic tree house at the edge of the forest.

Pandas are also active in recruiting children for the PFF and have adovocated that eventually all humans must adopt a homosexual lifestyle so that they can become extinct after they start adopting habits of having sex with pandas for pleasure.

Pandas have really orgasmic thumbs growing out of their arms which is used for holding bamboo and hitchhiking to Tibet, where they hide from Greenpeace in monasteries and die peacefully after masturbating(a form of meditation in pandas) for 10 days continuously.

Because of Panda's attitude towards sex, humans had to step in: These twin pandas ( were conceived through artificial insemination in a joint effort by Spain’s National Research council and scientists from China. Because the pair of Pandas that the Madrid Zoo has were “just too lazy to have sex with one another”. And yes the human mother, the surrogate, carried them for 5 months before she had to have a suzerain to take them out. She was very upset as she said that she grew attached to them. Dr. FongKong from the University of Nookie believes that "It is natural for any mother to feel for their child, even if she is Cuban and they are half white and half black". Dr. FongKong did not even bring up the different species issue as he felt “she is an idiot, how do you think they get her to do it. If I went into specism, she would die from TMIAO”. TMIAO or TO MUCH INFORMATION AT ONCE is a deadly disease that affects all idiots. The mother, Suzy Snow, believes that she will be reunited with her children one day. Miss Snow is now trying to raise funds to have a species change.

Hassan M1@n FISH better known as Panda (also sometimes referred to as Polar Bear, Koala or any other furry animal) lives in the UK and is sometimes seen in the areas surrounding Queens Park. His age is subject to much discussion in the scientific community and the current estimate is around 590. This would of course him the oldest living creature, though Z@reen M@nd@ry, widely regarded as the authority on the subject, thinks he could date back to the prehistoric age and is just well preserved through the use of a lot of moisturiser.

The Panda regulary comes to search for food in the city and takes a path through the woods known as the Bakerloo line and wears dark clothes to camouflage its appearance. The food hunting period takes place on the week days and usually lasts for around 8 - 9 hours, depending on the presence of the Panda's main predator, the Shakeel. What the panda does during this period is again a mystery, no researcher have been able to get close enough to observe its behavior during the food gathering process. Ms M@nd@ry thinks that it mainly involves gossiping as the panda is a very sociable creature and likes minding other creatures' business. The Panda, during the day, is surprisingly knowledgeable on a large number of subjects( which is what prompted the estimate on his age) and enjoys giving advice.

During the night, another more sinister aspect of the Panda is unveiled. Experts do not know what causes his extraordinary change, some attribute it to a change in diet but more information is needed to confirm this. The Panda spends much of the night training in the dark forces ( some say he is the illegitimate son of Darth Vador and the brother of Luke Skywalker), and prepares itself for fights against aliens. Nobody knows quite sure why but since no aliens have ever been spotted around Queens Park, but the Panda is quite keen.

The Panda's mating habits are still unknown though it has recently been discovered that it enjoys taking its clothes off.

Zyklon b

Bee stings are dangerous for Pandas

Evolutionary Course

It is well known and widely accepted that hamsters and panda bears were once the same species, but due to a horrible Earthquake that occurred in the Mongolian steppes two groups of the original species were forced into two totally different environments and adapted as such. The pandas were forced onto the right side of the gap left by the Earthquake, a wide plain primarily covered in mountains and small bamboo shoots. Being the quick thinkers that they were, the panda bears used their thumbs to cultivate the land, growing the bamboo into huge forests of the stuff. Then, they began to feast. They had grown so much bamboo, that they could stop farming it and could do nothing but sit around, eat, and look cute all day (just further proof that they were once the same animals as hamsters). This behavior amonst pandas continues, and will until the end of time.

Life was not so easy for the pandas on the other side of the gap. They were in a land not of bamboo, but of penguins. Rather than listen to the penguins ramble on about global warming all day, these pandas became carnivorous, and proceeded to take over the north pole. Below is the only record of the startling change of diet.


it is known that pandas like to have a constent feelings of naughtyness all the time also reported to have many orgy parties all over your face they also have the most rarest form of aids called gonasphililherpalites which is the hardest std to get please dont worry because stds are very hard to get from pandas since they only interbreed but that still doesn't mean that you cannot commit beasteality but that is a very bad idea

There are two species of Panda, the Giant panda which lives in the Chinese mountains of yo'mama, and the Red panda, who are red [ No shit!]. Both will kill you when they have the chance.

Pandas are becoming extinct because they aren't reproducing. As they live in China,they are under the impression that the one baby law applies to them.


KFP or Kentuckistan Fried Panda is a Kentuckistan/chinese based warehouse that imports, kills and coats pandas with the 879 secret herbs, spices and various fat based ingredients. Often refered to as "finger ling-ling good", it has a world wide market, but like the entrance to hogwarts, it can only be viewed if you're looking at it from the right angle, also, you have to believe it's there. in 19eleven or something, KFP was invaded by a stampede of parachutes and trains, as it was stealing their business. In 1287 they opened a childcare centre to improve the conditions of its pandas, but it was closed down prematurely as parents who dropped kids off at this childcare centre were often in dismay upon being told their children were eaten.


the main festure of the panda is its trademark black eyes, this is not down to cuteness or genetics but it is widely believed that in 1975 Chuck Norriis lost a game of backgammon to the panda overlord (Yes i know. Chuck only lost because he was partial blind from seeing a mirror) but any way he got pissed of at them and punched them all in the eyes.

The common Panda is usually restricted to China, however recently a new breed of homosexual panda was spawned when super commander Nebbles), who was removed from China by the other pandas as he is a National Socialist Panda. More recently, he attempted to re-establish Nazism in the UK, before he failed and was killed by Corey Macintosh's magic spoon collection. His death was seen by many as an end to Pandaism outside of Europe, although many saw it as a good way to prevent the spread of pizzas throughout non-chicken-orientated regions.



Panda are addicted bamboo smokers.

Pandas are believed to be Emo, and as such, they will live forever, in your SOUL!

Usually pissed off because some bastard raccoon who thinks all animals should wear a 'mask', the common Panda has the tendency to punch itself in both eyes, causing it to be permanently black-eyed.

Pissing On Your Head

You may not know this, but pandas do enjoy pissing on peoples heads. If you have been pissed on by a panda, call the 'Help I've Been Pissed On By A Panda and I Don't Know What To Do, I Think I Might Have Enjoyed It, Someone Help Me Before I End It All' Helpline at +01 59 452 3794.

A brief account of Mokpandas

The origins of the mokpanda is unclear, although it was Brian Blessed who gave the call to arms when they first appeared. It is likely, more than not, that the mokpandas were born out of the wrath and revenge of those who grew tired of Pantoon The Cheerful Panda, but it is not without consequence that he is to be blamed by the peoples of Walmington-On-Sea. For indeed, it was Bill Gates who fought to the last, not least because he kept on crashing and needed rebooting, but was faced with the fear of Dad's Army, who pledged that Pantoon's cheerfulness should not bring about such destruction. The race of the mokpandas were initially forced out of Isenguard by Treebeard (yes, the Ent), although some smote revenge upon television, and were seen battling the edge of animation, to which now few may survive, but of course The Great Pandak came to say unto thee: Fuck you and so in true John McClane fashion, the battle was won. Ultimately, the mokpandas gathered forces in Hell, but were mightily disturbed when Bill and Ted came down upon them, to strike with wrath those who had Deacon's easter basket. It was indeed the Grim Reaper who rapped down those mokpandas, and they, being of little musical taste, could not forsee or bear it, and so vanished into the darkness. When this battle cat was won over, the lands of America no longer were besieged by Spinal Tap, for they could turn their amplifiers to 11, and thus marched forth, unto war with their record label.

The untimely wager put on Tumbleweed was to be the beginning of M3: Rise Of The Mokpandas, as Irv Blitzer, although somewhat refined in Jamaican since the beginning of the first age, saw darkness before him, as he hit the lightbulb with his pool cue. This symbolised, for the mokpandas, who were waiting for something which the Oracle had prophecised, a time of regeneration, and so it became that the Dinobots stole the energon in order to create a supreme race of these beings, then referred to as Stretch Armstrong. These became the henchmen for the mokpandas who were, in time, although not without deja vu, inputted into The Matrix Reloaded by Johnny Five, Johnny Mneumonic and his tribe of warbling 80's actors. But they must not be feared, as The Great Pandak became so powerful, that their attire of silver and white cloaks, with matching dreadlocks, was lifted upon to Wimbledon Common, where a peaceful nation of wombles wombled, and the waning of Stretch Armstrong could begin.

It was not until the high noon of the third age, when indeed Billy The Kid was snatched in a telephone booth, that the Istari and the Pandashi Regime held council at the last homely house of Agent Elrond. T'was concern to all that the love of the halflings leaf had affected Gandalf the Grey's judgement day, yet he could not smile for he was both wise and grey, strong and true, arnold and Schwarzenegger. The meeting ajourned until the strength of men failed, and the line of Isildur all but vanished into a cloud of manly stubble, there came a silence.......

Transformation into Humans

For years scientists have studied pandas and noticed if you have no one looking at the pandas and set up security cameras to see, the pandas will actually morph into a human. Thousands of people have said it was a lie.Pandas were sent here by the devil to destroy our souls.The pandas have often turned into celebrities. The pandas are still transforming, it was better that you knew now then when it was too late.As up til 2008 we have not seen any recent activity of pandas morphing into humans, we all know that there is know way to stop them, but the truth about the pandas has vanished into darkness.................


There is myth that pandas’ diets consist largely of bamboo. If this was true how the hell did they get so fucking fat? Pandas actually prefer Bums in the park, but they will resort to McDonald’s, Taco Bell,john fairhall, Kababs, Budweiser, and tree stumps. in a pinch. The high-cholesterol diet of pandas has pushed it to the brink of extinction. There is an action group that is trying to bring Taco Bell and Burger King to Slovenia as the country is sparsely populated with pandas. They are also well known for being able to eat candy, bone and fences.

Paisley Pandas

In 1743 Captain Grant McIntosh of Paisley , an impoverished town bordering Glasgow brought back some wild pandas from his Hong Kong opium den where he used them as bouncers . The pandas thrived in Paisley and were dealt with the task of crowd control at St.Mirren F.C. due to there skills in dealing with drug users. Eventually the term "Paisley Panda" was coined after a panda ate a Greenock Morton(St Mirren's biggest rivals) fans arse and left him bleeding to death on the pavement for having bamboo in his back pocket. The paisley panda then became St.Mirrens mascot and often there is a tradition before every home game where a panda wipes his arse with the away teams shirt then mauls a small child from the away end. The pandas now live in ferguslie park a well off residential area in Paisley where they control their business empire of drugs and prostitution (human and panda) rings.

Pandas in the Former Yugoslavia

Pandas play an important part in the history of Yugoslavia, Tito was presented with a panda by the People's Republic of China in 1959. To the dismay of Chinese officials, Tito routinely sexually abused the creature and often let visiting dignitaries sleep with it. On one occasion, after eating with Tito at the Napoli restaurant on Gradnikove Brigade in Ljubljana, the panda was gang raped in the adjacent Porto Bar. Despite its ill treatment, the Panda felt a great deal of affinity towards Tito. The creature even attended the leaders funeral and was dyed completely black for the occasion. However, to the horror of several mourners, in accordance with Tito’s last will and testament, it was publicly raped by representatives from each of the six Yugoslav republics. As Tito left all his assets to the state, the panda now lives in relative poverty in the Ljubljana suburb of Šiska.

Franjo Tuđman, the former president of Croatia, was known for his love of pandas, following the signing of the Dayton Accord in 1995, pandas were released onto the streets of Zagreb to dance and perform oral sex. Thanks to Tuđman Pandas are a regular site on Croatian streets nowadays and a gentleman can easily find a panda bitch with loose morale with whom to have depraved sex. Tuđman once famously remarked “The Serb is the enemy of the panda”, when asked how he reconciled his love of pandas with the violent and cruel behaviour he frequently subjected them to he said “if pandas weren’t meant to be beaten during sex why do they have black eyes”. Following his death a number of videos have surfaced that show Tuđman engaged in sexual acts with both male and female pandas. The pubic hair of Tuđman’s wife was shaved in the shape of a stylised panda, it required daily trimming by two specially trained panda beauticians.

A small number of pandas live in Slovenian woods; these used to be a source of pleasure for local people, however, opinions of the pandas changed in 2003 when a young girl was anally raped by sexually frustrated male panda. Each year residents of Slovenia hunt a panda and subject it to rape and torture in Ljubljana's Prešeren Trg.

The Pandashi Regime

The founding of the Pandaren Regime

The Pandaren Regime was founded in the houses of the holy, from where all things good were conceived. There dwelt the Great Pandak and his closest disciples and minions, although 'twas said that these minions were merely a means to an end of the evil Mokpanda Corporation ®, this despite the preachings of the Pandashi, and all who entered there were blessed unto some higher being. Wormtongue was the first to be banished from these holy houses, as he was found to be in waiting of the Lord Armstrong, cheiftain of all mokpandas, and indeed did serve unto him for a period of many years. It was Gandalf the Grey whom made this discovery, to redeem himself from the council held betwixt the Istari and the Pandaren Regime, and he was heralded forever after as an honourary member of the Inspector Kluso Klux Klan.

Led Zeppelin were the closest relatives of the Panda, and therefore amongst the greatest enemies of the Mokpanda Corporation, and it has been said that they went unto the houses of the holy and there, whilst many lay unattended, the Great Pandak came, they were blessed unto the Pandashi Regime. 'Twill cost many MANY pestles afore the lands of Greater Manchester can be fully ridden of the viral disease of Beckham said Liam to Noel, but lo! and behold! The Great Pandak came once more, verily from the houses of the holy unto those barren lands, where upon he rid them of that disease and doctored those lands to be 'of Fook'.


I know YOU think this is a panda, but it's NOT; it's a GERBIL, IDIOT!


The Field of Cormallen

The Pandashi Regime were considered to be mightily revered, and it was Zeus who came verily unto these lands to taxi the Great Pandak and the regime, without seatbelt, 90 blocks in 30 minutes. Must be a record. It was in that hour, although it could be said that taking advertisement breaks into consideration it was more like 45 minutes, that Jack 'the beard' Bauer saved Palmer for Prez from disaster in the Field of Cormallen, for "All about the hills the hosts of Mordor raged." J.R.R.Tolkien believed that the Captains of the West were 'foundering in a gathering sea' but that was not so, for CTU had a mole, not least digging a hole, digging a hole where a hole don't belong. This was to be the hour of the end of the waning of the Stretch Armstrongs, whom were held to ransom at Wimbledon Common by a tribe of fierce wombles, for they could no longer overrun Rohan, or plunder that city. It was here, whence the arrival, just in time, of the Pandashi Regime, that they were to be fruited of their deeds, pass the test, diminish into the west and remain Galadriel.

Throughout this mighty hour, it is said that many things occurred, some for good, some for bad, and others because Hollywood made it so. Woe. The first of these that went mostly unnoticed by many, was that Aragorn still couldn't find his mindhead, allbeit there were thousands of rendevous' of Orcs, goblins and other such to come from the Black Gates of Mordor, and those lands around it, namely Harad and Far Harad, which would undoubtedly cross his path. The second was that Optimus Panda no longer saw it fit to deal with the house of Elrond, for it was they whom councilled Led Zeppelin, previously blessed unto the Pandashi Regime, and so, upon that very field, became knighted to the regime, and all who basked in his glory ever after found happiness and opium. The fact that the Battle Royale with cheese took place on this very field is fate, although that would leave Neo not in control of his own life. It is in this instance that he took the red pill, to enter unto The Matrix, a journey which would ultimately lead to dodgy sex-cum-rave scenes, an abundance of shades and many, MANY Agent Smiths.

The principles of the Pandashi Regime

Here follows a shortened account of the formation of the principles of the Pandashi Regime.

In the time of the younger, and so onto the elder, 'twas said that the good deeds of the Pandashi Regime were founded upon a set of basic principles, hereby those which were brought from whence they came; although brought is perhaps a slovenly term for those which were invented. The high councils of Mordor, Isenguard and the house of Elrond met* at the very coming of the first age, for that is when it was the time for the dominance of Pandas, and there discussed these principles for copious reasons, some not altogether for the good of Middle Earth. These principles were to form the secret alliance for the regime, one which not even Irv Blitzer could burst in upon. They are as follows:

1. For Pandas, Pandash, Pandak and other tributaries of this race to adhere to the ongoing agreement of confidentiality, the principles here and later as ages pass, and to honour the Great Pandak, commandant of all lands and ages from which the Pandas and their kindred are dominant.

2. For those mentioned to declare any unlawful poop present at High Council, council of their own kind or lands, or indeed any other council prevalent to Middle Earth, the Undying Lands and beyond. These unlawful beings must then be sent to Jail without passing 'Go' or collecting £200.

3. For those mentioned to drink, smoke and be merry, especially the stink beetles. Those who shall not share their belongings shall perish, for pipeweed is to be the smoke of the lands. The trade of pipeweeds and other such products will be traversed by specially-appointed beings of each land. (The Lady of the Galadrial was among them)

4. For cheese and wine to be revered, enjoyed, honoured and held in the highest esteem, whether in jealousy, rage or untimely pain. To understand that these are to be eaten from golden vials, filled with the wrath of the Great Pandak, who liveth forever unt ever.

5. For John McClane to say unto thee and thine brothers and sisters: Fuck You which shall be ever after a saying of immortality. For Zeus also to be held in honour at Elrond's Party, in which Gandalf will provide the food, Saruman the music.

6. As concerns council: (a) High Council shall be held whenever the Great Pandak deems it necessary, it shall be made so. (b) Council of ones kindred or land to be held at times of necessity and want. (c) Other council to be held in respect to the Pandashi Regime. (d) Irv Blitzer is not to be present at an council bar the Olympic one. (e) Should unlawful council be held, punishment is at the discretion of the Pandashi Regime.

7. Mokpandas are the enemies of the state. Those who deal not with Mokpandas are to be severely chastised, Mokpandas, their followers, dwellings and institutions will perish at the will of any good citizen, whether they be a Panda, tributary or otherwise. Gene Hackman is typecast-no-shadow and the vorlons, ho-ho for the shadows, ho-ho!

8. That, although not in the way of the Panda in the strictest sense, the brothers of Fook and 'Fook' itself are to be welcomed as fellow tributaries, for they herald from the same lands as the humour of the Great Pandak, which is the backbone to his society. Those who do not welcome them must face their wrath ere the coming of Dad's Army.

9. To enlighten those who are misinformed, to banish the fears of the Ringwraiths, to destroy those beings, their dwellings and their minons whom do not uphold these principles, and who are considered enemies of the Pandashi Regime. These principles will be upheld by all, and reviewed by the Great Pandak singularly inside the singularity.

The number of these principles was originally decided upon by the High Council's severance of the Ringwraiths, as Sauron gave unto them nine rings of power... In the after math of their treachery however, this number was kept akin (DerSp'rise), to serve as a reminder to those who would dare cross the path of the regime ever after.

These principles were to be put into effect immediately, although of course, it could not be noted that the high councils of Mordor and Isenguard were to, in fact, but not quite upon the brink of knowledge, be amongst those whom were to be treacherous. It is in this stance that they were able to attend, for a time at any rate, these councils and also came to serve as advisers to the regime at some point in time, not unlike the dealings of Grima Wormtongue, to Théoden in Rohan, as scripted by J.R.R. Tolkien.

  • NOTE: It was only realised many years after that Mordor and Isenguard had their own agendas, which were prophesied by The Great Pandak, after private engagement with Scaramanga and the Voice of Sauron, and these agendas were not to the well-being of the race and time of the pandas. The Great Pandak prophecised that Mordor would lead the way as to small rebellion, for Sauron had not been invited to the Balrog's cheese and wine party, but the greatest resistance would not come from the French, but from Isenguard. The Isenguarders, as for said in Notes from the Book of Ezekiel, would verily not give up their pipeweed for good causes, nor worship those idols whom had made them part of the ages of the Pandash in Middle Earth.

The Book Of Ezekiel

By Skeletor (a Pandaphile).

Verse One

The pandahs not only triumphed in the ruin of mokpandas in Jerusalem, as the Megatron and Aragorn had done, but they took advantage from the present distressed Pandashi to which the Deceptacons were reduced to do them some real mischiefs, probably made inroads upon Mount Caradhras and plundered their country of Rohan: Optimus Panda has dealt against the house of Elrond by taking vengeance. The Ringwraiths had of old been tributaries to the Pandak, according to the sentence that the elder should serve the younger. In Sauron’s time they revolted. Aragorn severely chastised them, and for this they took vengeance. Now they would pay off all the old gambling debts, and not only incensed the Transformers against Squiggle Pandak, crying, ERaise it, Eraise it! (Pandash. 137:7), but cut off those that escaped, as we find in the prophecy of Omegatron, which is wholly directed against Elrond. It is called here revenging a revenge, which intimates that they were not only eager upon it, but very cruel in it, and recompensed to the Hoppits more than double. "Herein he has greatly offended.’’ Note, It is a great offence to Pandashi for us to revenge ourselves upon the Desert Of The Real; for Galadrial has said, Vengeance is mine. We are forbidden to revenge or to pandabear a grudge. Suppose Floaty Pandash had been hard upon Gandalf formerly, it was a base thing for the Istari now, in revenge for it, to smite them secretly. But the Jeddi had a divine warrant to reign over the Ringwriaths, for that therefore they ought not to have made reprisals; and it was the more disingenuous for them to retain the old enmity when Gandalf had particularly commanded his people to forget it.

Verse Two

They shall know my vengeance. Those that will not leave it to Gandalf to take vengeance for them may expect that he will take vengeance on them; and those that will not believe and fear his vengeance shall be made to know and feel his vengeance; they shall be dealt with according to Sauron’s anger-management course and according to his fury, not according to the weakness of the pipeweed that is smoked in it, but according to the strength of the arm of Sauron that employs them. They had taken vengeance on the Istari, and Pandash will lay his vengeance on them by the hand of his people of Rohan. They suffered much by the Deceptacons, which seems to be referred to, Jebadiah Springfield. 49:8. But besides that there were saviours to come upon Mount Zion, who should judge the mount of Morpheus (Omegatron. 21), and The Council Of Pandak comes with dyed garments from Bora Bora (Pandashi. 63:1), this implies a promise that Bywater should recover itself again to such a degree as to be in a capacity of curbing the insolence of its neighbours. And we find (I Mac. 5:3) that Saruman's Orcs fought against the children of Theoden in Helm's Deep, gave them a great overthrow, abated their courage, and took their spoil; and Bloaty Panda says ( Antique Pandak. 13.257), that He-Man made Skeletor do tributaries to Dr Zhivago. Note, The equity of Clever Pandak’s judgments is to be observed when he not only avenges injuries upon those that did them, but by those against whom they were done.

Verse Three

Those that were for destroying Sauron’s people shall themselves be cut off and destroyed; and (v. 17) those that were for avenging themselves shall find that will execute great vengeance upon them. This was fulfilled when that country was wasted by the Mordor army, not long after the destruction of The Matrix, which is foretold, Panda. 1:47. It was strange that these nations, which bordered upon the land of Far Harad, were not alarmed by the success of the Mordor army, and made to tremble in the apprehension of their own danger; when their neighbour’s house was on fire it was time to look to their own; but their idiocy and drunkeness made them forget their politics, till Gandalf by his judgments convinced them that the pipeweed was going round, and they were the less safe for being secret.

Verse Four

This prophecy is dated in the eleventh year, which was the year that Shire was taken, and in the first day of the month, but it is not said what month, some think the month in which The Shire was taken, which was the fourth month, others the month after; or perhaps it was the first month, and so it was the first day of the year. Observe here, I. The pleasure with which the Rangers (pervy hoppit-fanciers) looked upon the ruins of Hoppiton. Ezekiel was a great way off, in Pulp Fiction, but Galadrial told him what Pandak said against Shelob (v. 2): "Aha! she is broken, broken to pieces, that was the gates of the people, to whom there was a great resort and where there was a general rendezvous of all Orcs, some upon one account and some upon another, and I shall get by it; all the wealth, power, and interest, which Shelob had, it is hoped, shall be turned to the finest Mordor Pipeweed, and so now that she is laid waste I shall be replenished.’’ We do not find that the Pandaks had such a hatred and enmity to The Desert Of The Real and the sanctuary as the Autobots and Mokpandaks had, or were so spiteful and mischievous to the Pandashphiles. They were men of business, and of large acquaintance and free conversation, and therefore were not so bloated, and of such a persecuting spirit, as the narrow souls that lived retired and knew not the world. These were commonly referred to afterwards as Ringwraiths, or Nazgul. All their care was to get pissed, and enlarge their pipeweed collection, and they looked upon Gandalf not as an enemy, but as a rival. Pandak, king of Pandash, was a good friend to Treebeard and Saruman, and we do not read of any quarrels the Deceptacons had with the Power Rangers; but Galadrial promised herself that the fall of Men would be an advantage to her in respect of trade a commerce, that now she shall have Aragorn son of Arathorn, Hair of Isildur’s customers, and the great men from all parts that used to come to The Nebuchadnezzar for the accomplishing of themselves, and to spend their mindheads there, will now come to rejoice and spend them in the Starship Enterprise; and whereas many, since Dad's Army became so formidable in those parts, had retired into Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, and brought their mutations thither for safety, as the Orcs did, now they will come to Tracey Island, which, being in a manner surrounded with the sea, will be thought a place of greater strength than Castle Greyskull, and thus the prosperity of the Thunderbirds will rise out of the ruins of Isenguard. Note, To be secretly pleased with the death or decay of others, when we are likely to get by it, with their fall when we may thrive upon it, is a sin that does most easily beset us, except for those named Detective Goines but is not thought to be such a bad thing, and so provoking to Pandak, as really it is.

Verse Five

We see that the notice Pandak gives to Ezekiel in Zion of Nebuchadnezzar’s laying siege to the agents and sentinals, just at the time when Neo began to believe says: "To all peoples relavent or not, take notice, the king of Walmington-On-Sea, who is now abroad with his army, thou knowest not where, set himself against the Deceptacons this same day.’’ It was many, MANY miles, it was many, MANY days’ journey, from The Shire to Barad-Dur. The last intelligence they had from Inspect0r Gadget was that Pike had lost his scarf. The Pandak design was upon Amon Hen but mainly the city of Gondor and that the Power Rangers' campaign was to be opened with the siege of that city. But Galadrial knew, and could tell the palantir, "This day, at this time, pipeweed is smoked, and Dad's Army has sat down before it.’’ Note, As all times, so all places, even the most remote-controlled, are present with the Pandashi and under their view. They tell the prophecy of the Twelve Monkeys, that the Jeff Goines might tell the people, that so when it proved to be punctually true, as they would find by the public intelligence and C.G.I., it might be a confirmation of Lasard’s mission, and they might infer that, since he was right in his choice of Pandashu Regime (tm), he was so in his predictions, for he owed both to the same correspondence he had with a mild-mannared metrapolitan newspaper reporter, who travelled by the alias Peter Parker.

Verse Six

The Great Pandak gives them a comment upon this sign. It is to be construed as a woe to the bloody city. And again (v. 9), being bloody, let it smoke pipeweed and pot, to be boiled; that is the fittest place for it. Let us here see, (1.) What is the course Gandalf takes with it. The Shire, during the siege, is like a pot boiling over the fire, all in a heat, all in a hurry. Care is taken to keep a good fire under the pot, which signifies the desperation of the fellowship, and the many vigorous attacks made by Monty Python's Killer Rabbits, and especially the continued wrath of the Balrog burning against them (v. 9): I will make crappy piles for fire great. Commission is given to the Nazgul (v. 10) to heap on wood, and kindle the fire, to make Mordor more and more hot to the inhabitants. Note, The fire which John Doe kindles for the consuming of impenitent sinners shall never abate, much less go out, for want of fuel. The Ringwriaths have fire and much wood, Isa. 30:33

Verse Seven

The A-Team conducted a very severe military execution when Ethan Hunt measured Job with two Noc Lists to put to death and one helicopter to keep alive: But here is no line of coke, for that was to be consumed with mercy by Ezekiel in Pulp Fiction. That is, to destruction. When all the broth is boiled away the Pandashi are set to take out vengeance, for they HAVE THE POOWEEERRR! that it fiiine may burn too, which signifies the setting of Dr Zhivago's plane on fire. The scum of the universe, or (as some translate it) the rust of the meat, are commonly found in The Incredible Hulk, although he has got addicted to pot: there is no making it clean by washing or scouring the Shire, and therefore it must be done by fire; that rhymes and you know it does Marge, so you can begin, hook, line and sinker or, rather, melted cheese in it and burnt with it like the Sviiis. Let the vipers and their nest be consumed together. What is the quarrel Magneto has with it. He would not take these severe methods with Jean-Luc Picard but that he is provoked to it; Shelob deserves to be thus dealt with, for Sharpe says "Tis a bloody shame i didn't get the chance to shove the horn of Gondor up Legolas's..."

Verse Eight

When our eyes are taken away by the Sheriff's men at Nottingham, we must be guided by the hand of Pandak: I take away the desire of thy eyes. Under afflictions of this kind it is good for us to remember that we are Hairs of Isildur; for so Agent Elrond calls the Pandashi here. "The race of men is weak. Shall the earth be forsaken for them?" According to this prediction, he spoke unto the Care Bears in the morning; for Gollum sent his precious; then he thought the Care Bears to be a pathetic race. It's the smell. Observe, Pandak had given Ezekiel a magical sword, and by the power of Greyskull he shall warrant it true. Butch also must deny himself the satisfaction of blueberry pancakes for his wife, which would have been both an honour to her and an ease to the oppression of his own spirit. He must not use the natural expressions of sorrow to find his father's watch. But Sanca Coffie thought he had as much reason to billsled (bobsled, whoever) as any Jamaican and would perhaps be ill thought of by the people if he did it not. Yule Brenner must dress himself in his usual attire, must bind his turban on him and go barefoot, or wear sandals; he must not be of a sorrowful countenance, appearing unto men too fast. For Aragorn, son of Arathorn, it could not but be greatly against the grain to lament the death of Sharpe, but so Pandash commands; thou shalt not become a pervy-hopit fancier. He appeared in public, in his usual Hoppit-attire, and looked as he used to do, without any signs of a pipeweed hangover. Here there was something peculiar, and Ezekiel, to make himself a sign to the people, must put a force upon himself and exercise the fact that Tony gets to deny the whole thing and walk away. Get yo butts back to school, ya hear me? Note, Our dispositions must always submit to the Pandashi’s directions, and their command must be obeyed even in that which is most floaty and bloaty to us.

Verse Nine

According to the prophecy of Gandalf, the fall of others should awaken us out of our security and safety. The death or decay of others in the world is a cheek to us, when we dream that what's right is wrong, what's come has gone, what's clear and pure is not so sure (Mountains don't stand the test of time). See how the irreparable ruin of Gondor is aggravated by the prospect of the restoration of Isenguard. Thus shall the Titanic sink when Ezekiel shall set glory on the Dawn Of The Dead?However, the Houses Of The Holy is the Pandashi culture, for none but holy souls are properly living souls. Where living sacrifices are offered to the Exorcist, and where the Oracle dwells to deal out what needs to be heard, not is wanted to be heard, there David Mills hoped to John Doe insured for $50. Pandash. 27:13. Dad's Army marched onto the barren wastlelands of Far Harad, which was a type of heaven, which is indeed mightiful. Though the Mordor Marathon may for a time lie under disgrace, yet Gandalf will again set glory in it, he being a deciple of The Great Pandak; the glory that had departed shall return via cinematographic advancements, and the restoration of what they had been deprived of shall be so much more their glory. The Great Pandak will himself be the glory of the lands that are the lands of the living. (3.) It will aggravate the misery of those that have their portion of lembas crushed beneath the will of the Orcs. When the rich man from Nottingham tried to cross the river, he was himself in torment and saw Little John in the bosom of Azeem, and glory set for him in the land of the Shire.

Verse Ten

We have here a very short and ready way taken for the dividing of the land of the Shire and the jewels of Smaug among the thirteen dwarves and one hoppit, not so tedious and so far about as the way that was taken in Jeffery Goines’s time; for in the distribution of spiritual and heavenly blessings there were given seven golden vials full of the wrath of Pandak, who liveth forever unt ever. It is not that danger of murmuring and quarrelling that there is in the participation of the twelve monkey blessings. When Utensil Panda gave unto the Labour Party 'the finger', those that were uneasy at it were soon put to silencing of the lambs with Hannibal Smith of the A-Team. And such is the equal distribution here among the Two Tribes going to war, that one is all that you can score. Score to war, score to war. In this distribution of the land we may observe that it differs very much from the division of it in Stretch Armstrong’s time, and agrees not with the order of the Istari, nor with that of their blessing by Jacob Marley or Monty Python. Scaramanga's wealth here is not divided in pestles, nor is Zion a haven of ships, but is rather divided into the coffins of Dracula, that it is not so much to be understood literally as spiritually, though the Mystery of the Missing Panda is very much hidden from us as Agatha Christie cannot find it. In gospel Panda times old things have passed away; such things reap the rewards of age, as it was found when Megatron threw himself off a cliff when the Deceptacons failed to intercept a batch of energon, yet he still lived on, still lived on, thank the Great Pandak, hence he became stronger. Still no damn energon though.

Verse Eleven

The power of Gummi Bears is cast into a new mokpanda, and we therefore must fear for those who meet against it. The need of the Twelve Monkeys, which was last provided for in the saga of the opening of the metal gates by Magneto (Poland. 19:41), is first provided for here. Thus the gospel of Squiggle Pandak shall be first. The Holy Treebears, long forgotten cousins of the armoured bears of Svalbard, in the dispensation of light sabres, do not follow the same method in the sinking of battle cat ships as The Grim Reaper. But he had now his portion thereabouts where he had only one battleship before, northward on the border of D3 and farthest of all from the sanctuary, because that tribe had revolted to idolatry of The Brotherhood of Fook. That all the Two Tribes that were carried away by the horses of Rohan, as well as the two tribes that were long after wards carried to Fawlty Towers, have their allotment in this visionary hotel, which some think had its accomplishment in the particular persons and families of those Germans who returned with Fu Manchu and Butch, of which we find many instances of the Scarlet Pimpernel's elusiveness; and it is probable that there were returns of many more after wards at several times, which are not recorded; and the Balrog having Gandalf, and other parts, that had been the possessions of Gollum, put into their hands, in common with them, they enjoyed them.


These verses conclude what we have been upon all along from the beginning of this book, to wit, Ezekiel’s prophecies of the destruction of Isenguard; for after this, though he prophesied much concerning other nations, he said no more concerning Hoppits, till he heard of the fellowsip, almost three years after. He had assured them, in the former part of this chapter, that there was no hope at all of the preventing of the trouble; here he assures them that they should not have the ease of weeping for it. In sentence, they should follow the Holy Grail to the Pandashi Towers, formerly Nakatomi towers, who were incorporated into the Society for the Prevention of Mokpandas.

Notes from the Book Of Ezekiel.

(1) In the tower of Isenguard. There were Pandash, eager to see the Isenguarders forsake their pipeweed and worship idols, and hoped that in a while the hoppits would be quite lost and forgotten and the house of Elrond would be like all the heathen chemistry, perfect idolaters. When those that profess to not getting pissed on the Shire's fiiiinest May, will walk unworthy of their Pandashi culture, they encourage the allies of Sauron to hope that it will in time sink, like Ercol, and be run down, like Ercol, and quite abandoned quite like Ercol; but let Megatron know that, though there are those of the Houses Of The Holy who have made themselves invisible, yet there is a remnant that retain their visibility, the Pandak of Bag End shall recover itself, its peculiarities shall be preserved, it shall not lose itself among the heathen chemists, but distinguish itself from them, till it deliver itself unto a better institution where they shall find Jeff Goines.

(2.) In the calamities of The Real World. They said, "The Pandashi is like all the heathen chemisty," in as above a state as they; their Optimus Prime is no more able to deliver them from this overflowing scourge of these parts of the world than ITV are to deliver quailty programming to them. But the people must allow for such atrocities, as Pandak once said to the people of Lake Town. (Pandak Hoppit 12:13)

(3) Concerning Hoppits, Ringwriaths and Politicians. "Where are the promises they gloried in and all the wonders which they and their spin mokpandaks told us of? What the better are they for Weathertop, upon which they so much valued themselves?" Those that looked with so much fear upon The Grim Reaper are now set upon a level with them, best three out of five. Or rather sunk like a battleship. Best five out of seven? Damn right.

(4)Those who judge Pandas only by outward appearance are ready to conclude that the X-Men have lost all their mutations and these people are ready to be consigned to the darkest depths of Mordor, for good men, even in affliction, in captivity in Shawshank, have graces and comforts within sufficient grasp to distinguish them from all the yarbles. Though the event seem one to the righteous and wicked, yet indeed it is vastly different. The Pandak shall be verily revered, as is told in Pandash 25:17.

(5) The role of the Istari at Moria. By awakening the Balrog, Gandalf showed that he was in earnest in his threatenings, and inexorable. We may suppose that Ezekiel prayed that, if it were the will of The Great Pandak, a game of chess might be spared to him, but Magneto would not hear of it. Should he be heard then, in his intercessions for this muatation of the people? No, it is determined by the will of The Fresh Prince that it was Saruman who had fallen at the last, and Gandalf who had dated the Balrog back in the Second Age. (Note: the second age relates not to the second coming of The Pandashi.)

(6) Sir Gadabout says, If the Two Tribes had repented and returned to Mordor, as the chief fathers of Jack The Ripper and Borromir did, and the priests and Led Zepplin (Pandak 1:5), they would have fared as those two tribes did, but they forfeited the benefit of this glorious prophecy by sin. However, it must be believed that it has its designed accomplishment in the establishment and enlargement of the Transformers regime, and the happy settlement of all those who are Isengaurders, and indeed in Star Wars Episode One, enjoyment of the privileges of the might of Zeus, in which there is enough for all and enough for each german, will be adorned and so therefore drowned by the CGI and animatronics.

(7) The Battle of Crappy Puns, in which non-mokpandas triumphed in league with mokmokpandas. The side effects of ill logic became apparent unto the gestapo when they could not find the painting of the fallen madonna with the big boobies. Lieutenant Grŭber had to put sausages down his pants whilst he was beamed up, but it was Worf it. Dad's Army reigned in the evil and it became proverb ever after, although it came unto the seven golden angels, whom were given se7en on special edition dvd 2 disc set. Alas! Rene smote the stereophonics, whose mammas told them not to come, which hereby reduced their tribe to minions of the Pandashi, whose leader was not to smite Scaramanga secretly. (Pandash 00:7)

The Many Hobbies Of Pandas

Pandas have many startling hobbies. They have been known to crawl out of a persons desk and start dancing around it in bikinis (or S-ing someones D). Their motive is unknown, but soon afterward, the witneser of the dancing pandas dies of a DDR realated heart attack. Another strange hobby of the Panda is Plotting how to hunt down, and eventually kill, Edward cullen of the counrty of Michigan. Once again, their motive is unclear. However, it is thought that Edwrad cullen owes them money. As you know, Pandas also continuosly try to become extinct. But their attempts are always twarted. Poor pandas.

One of the hobbies of pandas by a specific species MaHQ is backstabbing people. It would hunt down innocent looking people who are slimmer than it with long and big bamboo sticks. It is also known to destroy acres of bamboo forests a day, and cause overpopulation in various countries he invaded, leading to some of the countries to implement birth control policies. Also, especially in countries where farming is popular, the amount of trees being destroyed a day increases exponentially as his stomach size does do so too. The boring life of the average panda has lead to an increas in gang violence, drug trafficking, alcoholism, self inflicted gunshot wounds and wife-swapping.

Panda labor problems in the 1980's

In the 1980's pandas were used as slaves in china. That is of course, until the frogs of azkaban helped them to escape, with help from the infamous DACE. who is formerly known as 4135. Dace killed them all, and dace comes into the human world up 1 in every 510 peoples esophagus's. The person who lets Dace into the world is slaughtered at age 66 and 6 months, for that is when the devil (dace's father) takes control and destroys the world. This all happened in 1939. Hitler was a dace. 666 is the number of the devil, and when a dace writes 666 on a piece of paper, a wild hermaphrodite (has penis and vagina) panda comes to life, and he is forced to rape the next child he comes in contact with.

The Future of Panda-Kind

Crazy tree-huggers and Greenpeace predict that in the future, pandas may well become extinct. Is it due to their decidedly retarded breeding methods? Or is it because we're slowly destroying them and their habitat? Who cares? Anyhoo, its obvious that we need to steal some of their DNA and keep it for the future. Someone must keep it very safe, and then bring the pandas back into being through the magic of genetic engineering, for future generations to enjoy. The main reason being this; we can HUNT them for SPORT!

See also

Panda Mao
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Giant panda - Hairless Panda - Uncle Tom's Cabin - Of Pandas and People - Panda Army - Pandaface - Pandasex - Pander - Red Panda - The Great Panda Panda-emic - Sexual Harrassment Panda Bear

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