From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Hey! It's a cake in a pan! Pancake!”
“Oh, God, that's good! They're even better than gay sex!”
“They're, like, SOOOOO good.”
“There are two things I love in this world: muscular retards ... and pancakes!!”
“I'll turn your pancake into a pwncake!”
The pancake (now commonly referred to as flapjack, griddle cake, hotcakes and crepes) is a close relative to the heathen devil's food, the waffle. Contrary to the utter nonsense found on the waffle page, the pancake is infinitely better than the waffle. The pancake was invented by the Dutch, who unlike their Belgian neighbors (who invented the waffle), were first to come up with the idea of putting a flour-based batter on a hot griddle. They also invented the term "Smoke and a pancake?" (Recent evidence has been amassed however, pointing to PALE as the primary inventors of the pancake.
According to house-wench, Chelsea Bennett, she was there as a hooker attempted to make a pizza, but turned out with a pancake. "It just looked so stupid," said Chelsea, who then dropped dead of testicular cancer.) however the humiliation was short lived as after a grueling amount of lab tests were completed the pancake was was awarded the status of "delicious" and was indited thusly by Mrs. Rosa Parks, who then proceeded to munch it down and continue with her crusade against the mighty penises. more were produced however and soon a major plot point took place in this story and, the pancake had defeated its greatest foe and simultaneously gained its greatest ally Mrs. butterworth. the celebrations were short lived however as at that time in the slightly less-stinky part of France known as belgium a dark aliino telephone sanitizer accidentally spilt pancake batter on a phone fresh out of the autoclave which was then crushed by a similar phone the resulting item was forever branded with its most recognizable feature by its distinctive square dimples and so the evil waffle was born.
Hot Sex with a Pancake
- Unlike its cratered cousin, the waffle, it is superior in its ability to act like a sponge and absorb the syrup with which it is often covered; whereas the waffle simply forces the sweet, viscous liquid into the confined nooks covering its top and bottom surfaces.
- Can come in a wider variety of shapes and sizes; whereas most waffles tend to be either circular or rectangular (with perforations), or occasionally in the shape of Mickey Mouse's head.
- Designed with the common man in mind. All that is required for pancake generation is a simple frying pan - while waffle-generation requires that a special utensil be purchased.
- Pancakes are quite pleasant to look at and were used to soothe anxious or nervous patients during the 19th century.
- Pancakes have been proven to be much more successful than waffles at winning "fights to the death". This is the reason most 1337 Counter Strike players fill up before AWPing some n00bs.
- Can be used for napkins, plates, hats, shoes, body-armor, cushions, Frisbees and as wall decorations.
- Are much more aerodynamic than waffles, as demonstrated by pancake's ability to remain airborne when flipped, while the waffle tends to fall like an lead weight when flipped.
- Outnumber the waffle 5 to one. At diners, you can get a whole stack of five, fluffy, buttermilk pancakes for the price of one rock-hard Belgian waffle that was probably frozen.
- Can cure any illness whatsoever. Waffles only cause them.
- Who loves the pancakes? Everyone loves the pancakes. Nobody hates the pancakes, because everyone loves the pancakes.
- If you don't like it, it is probably a waffle
- Pancakes can be flavored by wiping your ass's shit against them and taking a piss on them.
More on Pancakes
How to make pancakes
Ingredients (for 6 medium sized pancakes):
- 3 cups of flour
- 2 cups of water or milk
- 1 egg, mildly beaten
- 2 tablespoons of melted butter
- 2.5 teaspoons baking powder
Mash all the ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Pour into the frying pan and flip when the bottom is done. Or if you like, skip that and just go to the eating part. It all tastes the same anyway. Remove from the pan and enjoy with sweet, sweet maple syrup.
Alternate Uses for Pancakes
Everyone knows that pancakes have many potential uses
- Body Armor: Protect yourself in the world's hotzones with this highly
effective personal body armour that can be easily replaced and is really, really, cheap. Not tested (Use month old pancakes for this task)
- Hats: Start a new trend with this hot and pan-fried sensation. If bunnies do it, why cannot we? Avoid birds.Also AlizéeHOT KINKY BUTT SECKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wears one so why not other hot women (I mean how often do you get to eat pancakes while boning.)
- Frisbees: What you should do with your surplus Aunt Jemima frozen pancakes? Turn em into Frisbees! Their highly developed aerodynamics and super flying capabilities enables it to fly high and long. (Perhaps too long)
- Cover-up: Pancake batter can be used to conceal ugly facial blemishes such as: freckles, pimples, warts, moles, pre-cancerous growths, hickies, melanomas, lightning-bolt shaped scars and nostrils.
- Bra-liners: Lukewarm pancakes of the 'silver dollar' variety may be placed in one's bra prior to entering cold areas to prevent that dreaded disease nipple-itis.
- Plates: Pancakes are used by varieties of people as plates. You can use them for holding syrup,or more pancakes,
- Shields: They will protect you from evil Mr.Syrup! This is your primary defense. See body armor.
- Currency: Pancakes was in use as a form of money, in one form or another, at least from 2560 BC until the end of the Bretton Woods system in 1971.
- Weaponry: Pancakes have a savage history of killing the arrogant. When the Europeans fought the Aztecs, they knew they were outmatched, so they resorted to throwing food at them. The results were devastating A well flicked pancake, when aimed correctly, can take off an arm. So, whenever a comptroller tells you to "do your job" and tells you to "stop eating that pancake", and to "contribute to society", you'll oblige, but not before you see him limping back to his office with a shattered knee bone. In there raw form pancakes have as much deadly power as any shotgun the only down side is there far louder, but this is easily solved by equipping a silencer preventing anyone from knowing the truth.
- eating!!: even though this is the most uncommon use for a pancake and can seem... somewhat cannibalistic when you have such love for a pancake as most do, it is quite satisfying to just take a huge ass bite out of a pancake and then listen to it scream in agony. if this is too cruel for you, ask politely. I'm sure they'll let you have a lick. :p
- If you don't like pancakes... If you do not like pancakes, there are a selection of "Fake Pancakes" and "Pancake Sprays". These are so when you have friends over they won't think that you are crazy because you don"t like Pancakes. Pancake Sparys make you're house/room smell like pancake, and Fake pancakes, are well, fake pancakes. These products can be found At your local Walmart or Myers store.
Pancakes as a Unit of Time
- Did you know? Pancakes can be used as a unit of time. Since the dawn of Pancake, the illustrious and quite productive IHOP was run by the Martians, making IHOP the oldest institution in the known universe. Greater demand for other breakfast foods led to the collapse of the Martian economy. Pancakes were exported to Earth, where the dinosaurs took over the running of IHOP. T-Rex found it hard to cook pancakes adequately, as his short arms did not allow for optimal spatula usage and the pancakes were often burnt. Many other dinosaurs proved more capable as griddle-chefs, making IHOP the world's first successful corporation. In fact, archaeologists have speculated that Stonehenge is not in fact, a ritual site, but the vestiges of the initial corporate headquarters. The pancake world prospered until a giant asteroid was jealous of the superior dinosaur pancakes and wiped out all IHOPs but one. Business lulled until humans developed sufficient brain capacity to run the IHOP franchise themselves. To this day, any reference to the beginning of time as we know it may be stated as "Since Pancake..."
- Also note, Blueberry Pancake refers to a week-and-a-half, while Banana Pancake is a hair longer than half-an-hour. Whole Wheat Pancake lasts until the next geological epoch. Chocolate Chip Pancake is 0.03 nanoseconds. Pancake time can be piggybacked: an apricot (four pencils worth) chocolate berry yogurt pancake may very well transport you in time to the next millennium.
At one point, the US Air force considered using giant pancakes as a vertical takeoff/landing fighter but a majority of pilots were unable to differentiate its front and back ends; rendering navigation well-nigh impossible. This problem was further compounded by the tendency of said pilots to mark the dorsal-anterior end by biting it - but then become overwhelmed by its spongy goodness and consume a fair portion of the aircraft. The Flying Flapjack sized in at an amazing 26 feet 8 inches in diameter, making it easily the biggest pancake in the world. Unfortunately, due to drastic budget cuts on the project, the airforce was forced to cancel its pancake airfoil projects and settled instead for a nice, tasty breakfast.
In his famous book "The origin of Pancakes," Charles Darwin was one of the first to postulate that Hitler was the cause of pancakes. This fact is now widley confirmed by Pancologists using modern experimentation methods. However some fringe scientists have recently forwarded the theory that correlation lies in the opposite direction, instead claiming that Pancakes caused Hitler. This hypothesis is usually discredited by referencing the universally accepted "Everyone is Hitler" Theorum. Then pointing out the fact that pancakes non-autonymous entities, and require humans for sustanence and life. Proving that they must have evolved, at least in their present form, some time after the appearance of hominids.
However still much about pancakes remains a mystery. Scientists have been baffled over the years as to how the pancake tastes as good as it does. Recently Expert Foodologists have a new theory that the pancake is a descendant of the Pizza. This reminded them of the greatest scientific question ever, What came first, the McDonald's or the Burger King?.
The Mysterious and Elusive Deep Fried Chicken Pancake
Expert foodologists have determined that at some point after the year 2000, that the legendary Deep Fried Chicken Pancakes emerged within the nether regions of the Ghetto. They accredit the struggling oversized-naturally-fucked-up-faced wannabe rapper 50 Cent with the creation. No one can derive any recipe details from the pancakes, other than the sporadic distribution of chicken throughout as well as their thoroughly deep fried composition. One thing is for certain, they are motherfucking nigga-licious.
“This nigga knows his way around pancakes!...Dayum!”