Notorious UltraVixen Pam Ayres humble beginnings as a test pilot for Lazy Boy were soon forgotten when she became involved with the Nazi War Machine. Her poems of mass destruction marked her out as one of the most despicable war criminals of the 20th Century.
The ever present stench of death surrounded the Ayrean Poetry Camps from, where voles were taken and forced to listen to Pam’s unique brand of poetry. It’s estimated the humble vole almost became extinct at the blood-ridden hands of Pam.
After the war Pam was tried as a war criminal of the highest order. However, the use of poetry during her defence eradicated most of the prosecution and with a swift kick to a couple of doors she broke free and started living feral in Northern France.
History became legend, legend became myth and for two and a half weeks, Pam passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, she ensnared a passing gibbon.
By this time those crazy Communist scientists had perfected a method of neutralising the effect of Pam’s poetry, and so she started to release recordings of her poetry, this happened to coincide with two important events, firstly the Let’s Forgive Pam Ayres campaign, and Crappy Poetry: A Nation Falls in Love season on BBC 1.
Several acts of Parliament in 1978 ensured that when discussing Pam Ayres one (or, more) of the following words had to be used:
However, proving the old adage “a turkey never changes its underwear” Pam continued secretly luring small children to her gingerbread house in Luton and sold them as damaged goods to Australia. She was arrested and tried for this in 1998, but released because it would involve talking to an Australian.
In recent years she has teamed up with many rap, R’n’B and yodeling stars to produce daring new versions of her classic hits, and has become known as one of the most experimental artists to grace London’s burgeoning underground yodeling scene.
edit Near-Fatal Donkey Collisions
According to UN resolution 83, and several international laws, any Near-Fatal Donkey Collisions are to be blamed on Pam Ayres. This came about through an almost hilarious sequence of misunderstandings and Pam’s liking for the harder end of the drinks cabinet, usually concrete.
She has been successfully prosecuted 3 times in the last 40 years for this offence. But, every time the presiding judge has let her off because she is just so unbelievably delightful.
edit Pam Ayres Poetry
Time was that you could discard Pam Ayres poetry as dull, uninteresting and barely exceptional. However, in 1973 Pam started experimenting with new and exciting styles of purveying her poetic genius. To date she has legally recognised 9 distinct styles performed in her albums:
edit Classic Delivery, Hula Hoop Variation
In this daring variation on her exceedingly dull two-tone classic delivery the introduction of one (or, more) Hula Hoops provides a visual highlight to lead the concentration of the viewer away from the poetry. Often considered the best live delivery, but fails to work fully on CD.
A blast straight from the 70s, this style involves a heavy Disco tune drowning out anything coming out of Pam’s mouth. Pam herself claims she was forced into producing albums with this style by an over zealous record label.
edit Neo Disco
After Pam departed her Disco phase she took revenge with this unofficial style, she sort out any tune out of copyright that could be included under her dulcet tones. Most famously this included music from Mario games, which lead her into a dangerous new style of Communist music.
After the upbeat moods of Disco, Pam needed a bit of a rest. She picked a secret producer and started her 4 album so called Lounge Odyssey. Widely considered to be some of her most average work, the inclusion of sound effects from unpopular science fiction movies of the day was seen to be the death knell of this style.
edit Car Port
After seeing the rise of various styles of music in the late 1990s (Lounge, Garage, Bathroom etc.), Pam decided to forge her own indomitable style into Car Port, described by experts at the time as:
- Elemental, and prone to a heavy frost – Automobile Association
- What it lacks in originality it makes up for in nibbles – Julie Andrews
- Hard hitting house with a dreary monotone voice – Barry
edit Underground Yodeling
Not to be confused with Alpine, Country or Neo Yodeling, this new experimental form of poetic delivery has been extensively tested on the London Underground. According to Pam, the unfortunate side effect of tunnel collapse will be ironed out in due course.
Pam herself admits that she doesn’t really know why she called this style Plum. But it was the most original style she’d worked on in minutes during 1984. To the untrained ear this sounds almost identical to her Classic Delivery, but subtly Pam is eating chips whilst performing.
edit Gatling Gun
edit Film Themes
A twist on Pam’s Neo Disco phase, she found that as many as several film themes could possibly be twisted to her own evil needs of poetry delivery. This style has now been outlawed due to Health & Safety fears.
Her most controversial delivery mechanism to date, it involves no sound whatsoever. Commentators have accused Pam of “just flogging blank CDs”. Others feel it is the most important phase in Pam’s wild career.
Pam is also known for her daring stage work, and has toured extensively with her own take on Henry V. At times she has been known to include fire breathing dragons, racoons and elephants on stage in a desperate attempt to keep the audience awake.
edit Quotes About Pam
- At the end of time, we’ll still have our Pam – British Prime Minister Tony Blair.
- She really spoiled us in the Fuehrerbunker with her renditions of the poetry which got rid of all those voles – Benny Hill.
- She gives me the hoots, tha’be no lie – Stephen Fry.
edit Pam Quotes
- I don’t got no rhythm, but I do got no fear – in 1998 after her ill-timed Millennium Concert.
- They had pitchforks, I had a gun, what else could I have done? – in 1945 on her escape from France.
- Fat ankled old whore – in 1986 referring to her mother.
- Pam Ayres: Reads The Classics – Pam’s first post-Nazi album, this is the start of the public’s love affair with Pam. (1994 – CD)
- Pam Ayres: Live In Her Car Port – difficult to penetrate album, usually blamed on an error at the packaging plant. (2026 – CD)
- Zeig Trial Vorbituts – nonsense rhyme featuring unusual Badger sounds. (1982 – Cassette)
- 2004: A Lounge Odyssey – best described as an aural loungescape of interstellar home wrecking poetry from beyond the grave. (2004 – Badger Footprint Cast)
- Lounge With Pam Ayres – something to do with a Death Star, but we’re not sure. (2005 – CD)
- Recipe, Recipa – Pam tries to persuade you she can do that Latin thing. (1945 – Stoat)
- Pam Here – the legendary silence album, sold more than 40 million copies in 1987 alone. (1993 – CD)
- Sill E. Cunt – Pointless attempt at gangsta rap from the Pamster. (2009 – Hurdy Gurdy machine)