From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Palm Springs is a desert resort community in the BEAUTIFUL Coachella Valley, California. Located 100,000 light years east of L.A. or "la-la-land", this is where old people come to die and a bunch of rich young bachelors find mates in spring break (usually old gay men). Nothing is there to see, to do or to live for, except Palm Springs is so freaking trendy, the Conde Nast magazine gave them a high rating to make Beverly Hills and Laguna Beach envious.
Dreamed up by washed-up celebrity Sonny Bono, he was the city's first dictator to get rid of all the fun (spring breakers), driven out real good businesses (but brought in more millionaires) and even declared mundane architecture "Mid century" design as chic. When he died in a drug-induced ski accident in Tahoe, the citizens rejoiced in their liberation and today no one dare to speak his name.
The winters may be WONDERFUL when the "Snowbirds" from Canada clash with East coasters, L.A., O.C. or S.D. people and an increase of I.E. residents move there because they're unable to pay for their previous home. Plus the annual wave of Mexican migrant labor, thus the small desert town is overcrowded with 100,000 more people. But the 6-month long summers are AWFUL like the temperature is equivalent to the surface of the sun.
"Palm Springsians" are an interesting breed of "get-rich-quick" people who were able to afford and maintain retirement. One notable type of Palm Springsians are the "Cougar", a plastic-surgery enhanced, gaudy and elderly lady in leotards reside in a country club home await a handsome Salvadoran pool cleaner stud. Another type of locale is the antisocial hermit, camps out in the desert wilderness and live on spring water or smoke marijuana leaves.
Once known for golf courses, as well "big mansions, swimming pools and movie stars" in a way the Clampetts would describe it, Palm Springs was overran by yuppies and antisocials alike in the 1980's and 1990's population boom that replaced the desert with 100 more golf courses all the way to the edge of the visible horizon.
Palm Springs is obsessed with the welfare of wild animals, alike most West Coast people in million-dollar home communities. The fringe-toed lizards is sacred, home builders can't stand them and thanks to corrupt city politicans, you can build anything you want. "Fuck the Lizards!!!" they say. Locals worship the Bighorn sheep, after nearly exterminating a species known to cross Highway 111 in full traffic. "Hump the Sheep" is the city's motto.
Cities which weren't in existence sprung up by the luxurious cheap-asses who build homes in a belief there's no people to bother them...for awhile. The cities are Crappy Shitty, Rancho Garbage, Palm Desperate, Idiot Wells, Blah Quinta, Indio or little Mexico, OhHella, Deserted Hot Springs, Bermuda Dung and a Thousand Poops. The local Agua Caliente Cahuilla have their own local community...yeah, that's right, if the whites really recognize it.
The city council are a bunch of two-faced snobby white racist neo-cons or whiny "green" liberal ex-hippies who want to preserve the city's original village character and made downtown (Palm Canyon/Indian Canyon drives) into a miniature "Rodeo drive" shopping experience. The Indian tribal-owned Spa hotel resort casino has expanded 6 times to offer casino gambling to old grey-haired fake ladies and Oriental tourists to make you feel like it's Bangkok.
Palm Springs isn't an all-rich resort community like perceived by outsiders. In fact, about 80% of the city's population are in the low-income range, and thanks to the end of racial housing laws when the liberals took over town: Black people, Mexicans, Arabs, Filipinos, Native Americans and the once hated Jews compose the majority. Don't drive to the North and East ends of town at night, gang wars erupted between the "Gateway", "Dream Homes" and "Desert Highland" in Palm Springs' most renowned (on the TV news) addresses.
However, the city is over half Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered or just plain queer. Every Nov. the White party is the biggest social gathering of gay men on earth and 50,000 homosexual men party down like it's the 1969 Stonewall riots again. Gay political influence was a contribution of Drag Queer Empress Ron Oden, the country's first openly gay mayor. Palm Springs' national flag is a lovely rainbow.
There are actually special events: the Palm Springs International Midget Film festival: the snobbiest bunch of saps, washed-ups and has-beens, the Bob Hope for relief Chrysler bankrupt golf classic, the Pissing Hills Nabisco Damn Whore Golf tournament, the Indian Wells Tennis Pacific toilet water cup, the LPGAY Westside golf classic and the Skinhead mentality game: at least they invited Tiger Woods, Michelle Kwan, Lorena Ochoa and Vijay Singh to the formerly "whites only" sport. It's the money that matters now. But don't take my word for it, i'm just a lazy piece of shit mexican(t).
Palm Springs sits in the inhospitable wasteland known as the Desert. Therefore, if any of you want to live in this god-forsaken place, be prepared to...
- 1. Stay at home all day,
- 2. Pump the A/C to a point your monthly electric bills is guaranteed to dry up your income,
- and 3. Don't plant anything living in front of your "lawn", water doesn't grow on trees nor it hardly rains here to replenish the underwater aquifer (Los Angeles people envy you).
To kill some time, try to fry an egg on the sidewalk (and it works!) But the Centers of Disease Control put a WARNING for all humans of various skin colors to avoid being out in the sun. The chance of a third-degree sunburn and to be nothing more than a skeleton is 90%.
World-class shopping in El Paseo. Beware of the super-snobs, posers to make Paris Hilton look "good" and aging yuppies who think they own it all. Downtown Cathedral City and "Old La Quinta" are knock-offs of the El Paseo shopping district, don't bother to go there: it's bland, boring and pricey. Due to the recent recession, follow the welfare reciepents and Hispanic families to the nearest Wal-marts or 99-cent stores in Indio or Coachella. Beware of a possible gang confrontation to erupt in its' parking lots.
edit The "Lessers" in Down valley
Not only Palm Springs, there are 8 other cities where most people live in year-round (unfortunately), 4 unincorporated communities teeming with desert life (i.e. resort trash) and a place called "Hell" about a hour east on Interstate 10 needs some attention whoring in this article. And they are...
edit Cathedral City
Home of the area's "working class" a polite term for illegally hired minimum-wage slaves. A city incorporated in 1981 so they can be free from the colonial masters of Palm Springs. Mind all the well crafted potholes when driving down Ramon's Road.
Check out downtown Cat City: all the road signs, street sign markers and lampposts are Purple. Local artisans graffitied every private property wall or fence.
edit Desert Hot Springs
Meth labs, squatters, teen moms, crack addicts, gang wars, hillbillies, illegal dumps and buried murder victims in the sand. DHS as the locals call it refer it to a miniature "Watts" or "Compton" except surrounded by desert.
But it sure has tasty tap water, the cleanest municipal water in the US of A. It's always windy in the city, hold on to your hats (and skirts for the ladies), it's gonna be one helluva blow job.
Drivers, be aware of the steep incline when driving north (and south, put on your breaks in "overdrive"). The San Andreas Fault crosses the city by 100 little faults, so good luck y'all when the "big one" hits.
The "Palm Springs" area's oldest, largest and fastest-growing city (80,000 Mexicans, 10,000 whites and the rest are "coloreds"): No, you got to be kidding, nah hah...people want to live there.
It has the National Date festival (jailbait girls everywhere), the International Tamale festival (don't call the I.N.S.) and the El Bajito Low Rider show (where ex-convicts and gang-bangers try to earn a living).
Indio has the highest Latino percentage of any moderate-sized city in California, the possible capital of the "Republica del Aztlan" or whatever the area's 800,000 "Chicanos" talk about. OTMs (Other than Mexicans) are also numerous in Indio, usually from El Salvador and the MS13 chain store set up a headshop in Old town Indio.
Home of the biggest acid trip rave on earth, the Coachella Music festival held in a polo club where Prince Charles of England got his balls struck by a horse during a polo match. Except that's in La Quinta.
Yeh, whats up doc? Is this the Coachella Carrot Festival? I knew I shouldn't made that left turn in Albuquerque. Damn it, US route 99 is not 66. I hope it's not rabbit-hunting season. - Bugs Bunny.
edit La Quinta
Italian-American capital of California, but nothing really Italian about this place. Named for a desolate homestead turned into a hotel once visited by Hollywood celebs as long they weren't Jewish or Negro although the Italians give them a pass for "an offer you can't refuse". In those days, anyone not white, male or Protestant wasn't welcome anywhere. But the hotel hires only single, 20-year old something and submissive women secretaries, whom must do what her sexist male manager says.
edit Indian Wells
UGH! That place sucks, don't bother to go there. Full of poshness, uppity style, multi-million dollar villas, tennis court clubs and Bentleys driving down the road.
edit Palm Desert
Rich, British, Jewish, Bitch kind of people all around, the snobbiest city in the world except for Monaco. It has an illegal immigration problem from the friggin' annual influx of Canadians every winter. Home of the illegitimate teenage daughter of the Prince Charles of Monaco (really).
And don't forget to stop by the Living Desert, like it's so livin'. Watch animals pee, poop, screw and approach people in a "HELP ME" manner. Forget it, you're all endangered species. The zoo isn't a real desert, I dare you to drive on I-10 away from the sight of people.
edit Rancho Mirage
Wasted their city treasury on a former sewage cesspool known as the "River", an uberpricey shopping experience they call it. Where all the Hollywood celebs died, rotted in the sun and scavenger birds found them. Hey...is that Walter Annenberg and his wife? Old people...LOLZ.
edit County land
Despite the Coachella valley is like a country of its own, it lies in Riverside county and requires a hour-long (without traffic) drive to county government offices in Riverside. The local beef is to split into a separate county and that was a FAIL.
A literal salt-water lake turned into nothing more than a huge sewage pool.
edit Betty Ford Center
Named for the first lady and renowned lush Betty Ford, it's the most famous drug rehab center in the world, you can't miss it! The main hub of community life, celebrity sightings and just plain silly. Perez Hilton will offer a tour of the 100 most drugged-out Hollywood Celebs that is so "Fab-u-lous". You can see a Suzanne Somers introducing herself in front of a group of well-known Alchies Anons rehabees. But please don't ask for autographs, unless you want to be suckerpunched by a doper, crackhead or oddball.
Before humans ever came or bother to live in a hot sand dune, the Palm Springs area was a lake (that's right, water covered the whole place) for about 500,000 years until in the last hundred some years. When the water dried up as the climate warmed (obviously), it all turned into dust.
Then came the indigenous Native American Indians known as the "Kawhila" hung out around hot springs to cure their ills or have sex in private seclusion. In the 1910's, the Spaniards killed nearly every one of them and assumed the position of being "indigenous", despite nearly all the Mexicans are recent immigrants made the journey over the border fence in Tijuana or Mexicali. It's a Zoot Suit Riot, asi!
But the outside world paid close attention to Palm Springs thanks to the guise of Hollywood celebs and health nuts in their marketing scheme on the hot springs (actually an outhouse) and a snowless climate promoted the idea of traveling into a hellhole is AWESOME. There was no grass, trees, flowers or any faunae (not even pond scum), that appealed to hay fever sufferers and potheads who nearly lose their only pairs of lungs came for "health reasons".
Celebrities from the likes of Cow-killers Gene Autry and Roy Rogers, Silent film rejects Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks, and gazillionaires Walter Annenberg or Mr. Bloomingdale attempted to create a "Jewish state" although another group of wandering nomad races: Armenians did a better job in settling the soon-to-be "city" of Palm Springs in 1983. Correction: 1938. The land owners are renting Indian land and by 2038, it goes back to the Indians!
Palm Springs is a city of movie star folklore in the 1940's/50's/60's/70's/a lil' bit of '80s. Where Elvis slept is a BIG deal, where Bob Hope lived (and died and cremated), Frank Sinatra drove down the streets shooting the street lights along Indian Avenue, Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire freaked dance in some motel room turned into a shrine, and finally president Gerald Ford is seen intoxicated with butt buddies Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan in William Devane's pizza joint.
But in the late 1980's & '90s, the little people stalked (er...followed) their way to Palm Springs and took down the glitz, glam, glory or glitch. The wealthiest left Palm Springs in droves and re-established their hideouts in Palm Desert before that town was a real estate foreclosure itself by 2001. Today, the only stars you'll see in Palm Springs is on the wannabe "Palm Springs walk of fame" covered in chewed gum wads in wrappers, spilled box wine and dog crap.
Due to the fatal heat and lack of anything constructive, television viewing is highly recommended to keep ones self from taking their own lifes. Here's a brief listing of the television stations of the Palm Springs area, and those with a little more money can get a satellite dish to receive "fun places" Los Angeles, San Diego and San Bernardino TV stations. All the local TV stations are cheap graphics, informercials on a little mom-and-pop shop and over half of it are in Spanish. (Redundant list BALEETED)