Palinka (also known as pálinka, Zwetschgenwasser, Quetcsh, Jesus Juice, and Slivovitz - not to be confused with Jon Lovitz), is a drink common in most Third World countries.
Palinka is a popular, mild breakfast drink, usually consumed in large quantities, for Hungarians, Marsians, Romanians, Zimbabweans and Gerald Ford world wide. It was created by Hungarian national hero Imre Nagy during a legendary fight with Boris Yeltsin in the Vietnamese jungles during the spring of 1964. Legend has it, Nagy was trapped in a poorly constructed bamboo prison cell guarded by Yeltsin and several puny Vietcong mercenaries. Imre Nagy used his limitless intellect to mix up a batch of the palinka and dared Boris to drink it, thinking it would kill him instantly. Instead, the concoction gave Boris Yeltsin super human strength, improved his drunken master kung fu technique by 300% and he gained total immunity from AIDS. The fight over Nagy's palinka recipe caused the Cold War to heat up, leading to the Vietnam War.
Preparation and Ingredients
Palinka is created by mixing rotten fruit, gypsy urine, Paprika and nuclear waste, all of which are common natural resources native to Hungary. The soggy mixture is put into a Lada fuel tank, blessed by Orbán Viktor, and buried underground for 3 years, 5 and ¾ of a month. Palinka has an alcohol content of 240356.06666%, but some milder varieties go as low as 100244.55310%.
Its economical importance
If we do not count the world-famous, foldable Suzuki Swift production in Hungary, their economy is mostly based on Palinka export. They send 100-1600 merchant gypsies to Sweden, Strasbourg and Canada, who are so smart that they manage to use the cars of the Swedish government to come back to Hungary.
Palinka has many uses besides as a drink in school cafeterias and hospitals. It has been used for centuries by Magyars and Gerald Ford to kill rodents, homeless people; strip paint, and melt human flesh. Its known medical uses include enemas, straightening out homosexuals and introducing impotency (at around the age of 14). Since the early 1970's some upper-class gypsy women have traded in their counterfeit cigarettes and gold earrings for palinka in order to remove their facial hair with it. However, this controversial government program is clearly unavailable to most gypsettes. The Hungarians fill their fuel tanks with Palinka. This helps them kill the policemen using its vapors. Palinka is further involved in the origin many unconcius and/or robbed foreigners and in the number of babies born under alcoholic influence.
Due to the lack of bank notes or coinage, which haven't been invented yet in Hungary, palinka is currently used as currency along with paprika, peep show tickets, cheap Chinese sweatshop shoes, and the túró rudi. At the current exchange rate, 2 liters of palinka is equal to 25 túró rudi, or 13¾ pairs of cheap Chinese sweatshop shoes, or 4 peep show tickets, or 4 kilos of paprika.
Flavors and Brands
Palinka comes in many flavors, but by far the most common are suicidal, bacon, pogrom, and sex shop. Popular brands of palinka include:
- Imre Nagy Vat 64 (the original)
- Mongolszentjánoskecskebugyiújfalusi Száraz (made from old secret family recipe)
- Megszentségteleníthetetlenségeskedéseitekért Piros (don't ask for it, you'll bruise your tongue)
- Tomcat (unkosher)
- Demszky (kosher)
- XP Home
- Gyurcsány Dzsúsz (beware: misleading labels and 98% sales tax)
- Mixed home-made (also known as bullfarter, its coming out fast either up or down)
- De Ardeal (Romanian variety used mainly at parties, also an ingredient in party pills)
All other brands except those listed above are unauthorized and strictly forbidden. The punishment for possession of unauthorized palinka is death or watching 2 episodes of Győzike. Human rights organizations, including Amnesty International have demanded the government stop carrying out the more serious punishment of forced viewing of Győzike, as it amounts to cruel and unusual punishment.