The devices look like ordinary oversized fuzzy dice to the casual observer. They are not bugged, the little dots are not holes with video cameras inside, and they do not set off car alarms when the vehicle becomes overheated. They do not look in the least suspicious; rather, they seem like the usual kind of meaningless, tacky dollar store trinkets that, in fact, they actually are. They seem as innocent as the faces of the teenagers who assure you they will be home right after the "movie"; and indeed, the dice appear equally "innocent." After all, if your adolescent children are going to be devious and sneaky, your counter-tactics might as well be too.
Naturally you will wish to monitor your teenager and his/her date discreetly; that is, at a distance close enough to catch them in their adolescent act without them catching you in your parental act. The dice make this easy. Simply follow your child at an optimal distance (within range but inconspicuous), one parent driving while the other "navigates" with binoculars. The navigator must keep the dice in view so that you can determine the automobile's final resting spot (which, naturally, will be anywhere but the movie theatre). Once the car is at rest, keep the dice directly in the centre of the binoculars.It is not necessary to invade the young couple's privacy. Really. All you should see is the dice, along with perhaps a piece of clothing or two flying by them. If you do catch a glimpse of a more private, er, "object," do not feel guilty. Remember, you are doing this in the best interests of your child. Furthermore, so long as the object belongs to your child's date, well, they are younger than you will ever be again, so you might as well enjoy it.
In any event, it is likely that the young couple will shortly be out of view, both because they will wish to not be seen and for comfort reasons. Do not be afraid: you have the dashboard dice to modestly monitor their...progress.
Monitoring the progress
Observe the dice carefully. They should appear plush and slightly fuzzy, and the dots should stand out clearly: that is the first level of concern - little to worry about. The dice are meant to be fuzzy, but if they begin to seem fuzzier, you have reached the second level of concern: they are moving. This level is known as "second base."
Guide to the levels:
- First base: Dots distinct and clear, dice merely hanging.
- Second base: Fuzziness increases, dots seem to jiggle slightly.
- Third base: The dice clearly bounce up and down, left and right; or you see the dots change from "3" to "6" to "2" and so on.
- Home run: The dice are no longer in view. They have fallen from the mirror. The falling pair of dice is the metaphorical equivalent of a fall from paradise (or into paradise, depending on your perspective). Note: if the airbag goes off, then they're really having a good time.
There is little you can do at this point if you wish to remain discreet. Parents do have the option of running over to the car like a bat out of hell, screaming about fallen dice and confusing the heck out of their kids; though this can lead to an embarrassing situation (again, if you find your child's date attractive, then you might consider revealing their indiscretion to be worth the embarrassment). Another option is to employ the towtruck you called in advance at this time. However, you might wish to wait until you can have a casual conversation with your teenager the next day.
To begin a discreet conversation with your teenager, bring up a non-controversial topic - the dice, for example. Knowing what to say is often difficult; some guidelines follow.
- Extremely discreet: "Dear, you know those fuzzy dice hanging from the rear-view mirror in the car? They seem to have disappeared. You didn't give them to your date, did you?"
- Very discreet: "Dear, you know those fuzzy dice hanging from the rear-view mirror in the car you were in yesterday? I found them lying on the floor under the glove compartment. I wonder how they might have fallen down. Hmmm."
- Moderately discreet: "I'm glad we have two dice. We're doubly blessed, you know. Ain't no doubt about it. By the way, we're having meatloaf for dinner."
- Somewhat discreet: "I found those fuzzy dice on the car floor, wonder how they got there. They were showing lucky seven - somehow seems symbolic."
- Not so discreet: Sing: "Ain't no doubt about it, you were doubly blessed. You were barely seventeen and you were barely - dear, do you listen to oldies?"
- Not very discreet: “Love is like rolling dice. Sometimes you get boxcars, sometimes snake eyes, and sometimes pregnant threes.”
- Not discreet at all: "STOP RIGHT THERE! I GOTTA KNOW RIGHT NOW! Do you love her? Will you love her forever?”
For adolescent eyes only
Having read the above, I understand you might be fearful that your parents will use the pair of dice tactic. You might be angry that such a device exists that invades your privacy. You might be scared shitless that your folks might find out what you're actually up to when you think that they think you're at a chess club meeting. That is why Uncyclopedia provides, for fair play, a list of counter-tactics to the dice method.
- Remove the dice before the date begins. Effectiveness: poor. Your parents may be suspicious that you might be covering up your motives.
- Glue the dice to the mirror. Effectiveness: reasonable. However, if you are parked by a lake for some time and the dice don't move at all, your parents might also get suspicious.
- Bounce up and down in the car to make the dice jolt all over, then show yourselves, fully clothed, in the binoculars. Your parents will never try the method again, and you get them to feel really guilty to boot. Very effective.
- The next time your parents go out, hand them the dice and say nonchalently, "will you be needing these?" For effect, you can always attach condoms to where the dots should be.
- Pin a nude picture of two strangers to one side of the dice, make them bounce a bit, then turn the picture side to the front.
- Pin a nude picture of yourselves to the dice, superimposed with that of a police officer.
- If only one of your parents is spying, pin a picture of the other superimposed with a nude stranger.
Remember, parents and teens alike, that the best defence is a good offence. Don't be afraid to play dice. On every date, include a condom, a compliment, and a pair of dice by the dashboard light.
- UnBooks:God's Guide to Parenting
- HowTo:Avoid Pregnancy
- HowTo:Get Arrested
- Dashboard Confessional
- lyrics to Paradise by the Dashboard Light