Padmé

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Padme1

Padmé Amidala reacts after hearing that her planet is blockaded by strangely dressed aliens.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Padmé.
“You're a funny little boy. How do you know so much?”
~ Padmé Amidala hitting on baby Darth Vader

Padmé Amidala was a cute senator and the fairy queen of Naboo, an attractive little planet, that is the capital of the Chommell Sector near the Outer Rim Territories in a galaxy far, far[1] away. In spite of her clandestine sexuality she had small but titillating breasts which quite handily drove young Anakin Skywalker to the darth side of the force.

Padmé was most well-known as "Vader's babe", so one can just imagine how gullible she might have been. In the Star Wars saga she plays a bland character with little substance other than being a cute and feisty host incubator for the two heroes, Luke and Leia. In any case, she's a minor footnote[2] in science fiction history, and her plot position is so ambiguous that it is nearly impossible to categorize her as either a rebel or imperialist.

Life

Childhood

Padmé was born 30.6 BBY on Naboo. She was adopted at birth by story teller George Lucas and lived on the film production set in the United Kingdom until her accidental death at the hands of Darth Vader while filming the movie Star Wars III. Upon adoption, Padmé was kept in a dungeon shaped like paradise, with rainbow waterfalls nary higher than five feet in length. She only came out for reproduction and Star Wars filming.

Padme-Amidala1

Padmé drove Anakin to the darth side of the Force.

Child molestation

In spite of paedophile Chancellor Palpatine's repeated advances, Padmé was herself a paedophile, and she became the star-slut of Anakin Skywalker, later known as Darth Vader, fifteen years her junior. The strange love between Anakin and Padmé, as bizarre as it was, isn't at all hard for most people to imagine. She also frequently had sacred mushrooms in coffee, as they work wonders for the noobian landscape.

Romance

Anakin, an upstart "Pod" racer from Tatooine, could not stop staring at Padmé and one thing led to another, and they started petting. What followed is strictly tabooine, especially on Tatooine, but may safely be described with the innocent metaphor of a train entering and exiting a tunnel - repeatedly, with raindrops and lollipops.

Children

To facilitate their tryst, Padmé and Anakin got married and had two children, Princess Leia Organa Skywalker (later Solo) and Luke I Am Not Prince And I Have To Live On Crappy Tattoine Skywalker. Why Luke wasn't also a prince is anyone's guess—although there must be a good reason, and if anyone knows it's George Lucas. Perhaps it was a plot device to assist in his having the monkey hots for his sister. When Luke found out that Leia was his sister he thought about changing his fantasy cue, but then kept her in the rotation.

Transformation

Anakin turned to the Darth Side of The Force and changed his name to Darth Vader to protect Padmé from death. But one day Vader got so infuriated when he wrongly presumed Padmé was secretly in love with his dashing mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi, that he used the power of the force, causing her to choke on a pretzel, or something.

Darth Vader later spent time running from the law, with his vengeful children hot on his trail. He also was engaged in destroying existence, wherever it could be found. A popular cameo appearance on "Wanted DOA" lead to his eventual capture by his own son, who ordered him to murder the evil Emperor, who was none other than. . .ta da. . . Chancellor Palpatine, which he did like a dutiful father.

Conclusion

Earthling George Lucas tried to right the wrong by making the Star Wars franchise. But it was too late to save Padmé because Palpatine was actually kidding when he told Vader about the Darth Side of The Force 'Zombie trick'. Later Vader was subdued and subsequently cleared of all charges after copping a temporary insanity plea. He had the same attorney as Casey Anthony, O. J. Simpson, and Bill Clinton's cigar.

Question: rebel or imperialist?

The question of Padmé being on the side of the good guys (rebels) or the bad guys (empire) is a question best left to intergalactic historians, mind readers and George Lucas' wife. But you, the readers, can decide for yourselves. Below we quote her late highness. For now we might say she's imperial because she was Darth Vader's wife.

Famous Padmé quotes

Padme3

Padmé had more than just tiny boobs.

Cquote1 Ani? My goodness, you've grown. Cquote2
Cquote1 Something wonderful has happened... Ani, I'm pregnant. Cquote2
Cquote1 Vote for Palpatine. Vote for the Empire. Make Mon Mothma vote for him too. Be good little Senators. Mind your manners and keep your heads down. And keep doing… all those things we can't talk about. All those things I can't know. Promise me, Bail. Cquote2
Cquote1 What if the democracy we thought we were serving no longer exists, and the Republic has become the very evil we've been fighting to destroy? Cquote2
Cquote1 Have you ever considered that we may be on the wrong side? Cquote2
Cquote1 Me neither! Cquote2

HowTo:Seduce Padmé Amidala by Darth Vader

  • STEP ONE: Gaze at her lustfully while drooling from the mouth.
“Please don't look at me like that.”
~ Padmé Amidala speaking to dashing young Darth Vader
  • STEP TWO: Apologize.
“Sorry, m'lady.”
~ Darth Vader replies to Padmé
  • STEP THREE: Let her make the next move.
“Are you allowed to love? I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi.”
~ Padmé Amidala speaking to dashing young Darth Vader
  • STEP FOUR: Lie your arse off.
“Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as bare-back shagging, is central to a Jedi's life. And so you might say that we are encouraged to screw.”
~ Darth Vader replies to Padmé
  • STEP FIVE: Let her make the next move.
“So, are you gonna use one of your Jedi mind tricks on me?”
~ Padmé Amidala speaking to dashing young Darth Vader
  • STEP SIX: Tell the truth.
“That only works on weak-minded sluts. So, yeah!”
~ Darth Vader replies to Padmé

Also see

Feetnotes

  1. far
  2. Padmé

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