Pac-Man

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Timehero

The hero of time and popular 80s icon.

Fourghosts

Mortal enemies and fashion gurus.

“Waka Waka Waka Waka Waka Waka”
~ Pacman on a balanced diet

Pac-Man (パックマン omnomnomnomnom ) is widely known for his popular arcade game developed by Namco and licensed for distribution by Midway Games in 1980. It is a sort of Irvine Welsh-style urban nightmare in which a jaundiced figure scurries around frantically guzzling pills while pursued by spectres in a nightmarish urban maze from which there is no escape (according to Charlie Brooker). These events have been lost from the pages of time until Geraldo Rivera, in his historically famous expedition, unearthed them from Al Capone's vault in 1986. It seems that the vault contained a book titled A Brief History of Time thought to have been burned in the Library of Alexandria chronicling, with great surprise, the history of time.

edit Creation : The Hero of Time

The Big Bang was not created by Dogs, or even Tits; It was in fact created when Erwin Frodoinger beat the high score on a Pac-man arcade machine (previously set by DongDongJr.) and ripped the space-time continuum in a moment of excitement. Pac-man was then worshipped as a God by all the early civilizations, and generations of arcade nerds afterward.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Pac-Man.

Pac-Man’s creation was brought about through Magic and was an integral foundation for the basis of Fronizzle. In Japan he was called Puck-Man. They changed it so that kids wouldn't deface the P to spell "Fuck-Man". Well they should have kept it the same.Ancient passages from the book tell of God summoning a large block of cheese that had been viciously attacked by Oprah during her brief exploration of interpretive dance. The circular block of cheesy goodness had been left horribly scarred with a pizza slice-sized chunk missing. It was at that moment the almighty creator was given inspiration for earth’s greatest champion.

God commanded that the newly embodied Pac-Man devour all things evil on Earth, and thus his great hunger began. It was not long before Pac-Man was caught up in the events spiralling out of Oprah’s time tampering. As a result of the war, billions of bright yellow pellets were scattered across the earth. Only the Hero of Time would have the power to save humanity from certain death by bright yellow balls. Though Pac-Man eventually devoured all remnants of the great yellow smite, he was not without obstacles, big round, sexy obstacles. The Four Colourful Ghosts of Doom tried many, many times to stop our hero, but they failed all 255 attempts. It is also prophesied that Some time in the near future Pacman is going to descend upon earth to destroy us all in a Pacman Apocalypse.

Rumour has it that a possible 256th attempt was made, but this would have created a subspace schism since Jugoolarzinmer had not yet created enough Hexadecimal numbers in the universe. This meant that the all things ended when FF was pissed.

edit A normal life

Officepacman

trouble at the workplace

Rape-Man eventually gave up the duties of being a superhero and settled down, downtown, in the city of Chinatown, California in the year 1977. After a failed startup in the booming side of the road hot dog industry, he eventually settled for a job with State Farm Insurance. However, life in the big city would not be so kind to a large walking yellow ball.

edit Drug addiction

Crime

Tony Tredesky, likely mistaken for a pellet.

Yellow pellets were not the only small tasty objects to which Pac-Man was fond of. During his fallout and subsequent firing from State Farm Insurance, Pac-Man turned to a life of drugs and street crime. During his frequent crack fueled binges, he often caused controversy by shouting racial slurs against black-man, pac-man's arch nemesis. This subsequently led to the well known pseudonym crack-man. After years of eating balls, it is possible that pac-man could be homosexual.

Known as Pac-Daddy to most inner city gangs, he began supporting his LSD pellet popping habit with petty crimes and mob hits. The most notorious of these killings was mob snitch Tony “I Ain’t Sayin’ Anymore” Tredesky whose head was reportedly “bitten off”.

Pac-Man consumed so much LSD that he contracted a then unknown disease (now known as Pac-Man Fever) which nearly resulted in his death in 1978. During his stay in the hospital, Pac-Man claims to have had a near death experience where he saw a vision of hell in which he consumed the multi-colored ghosts of the damned. Pac-Man was never the same

edit Redemption: The New Life

Pacmanplayboy

Pacman poses with wife Ms. Pacman in latest issue of Playboy.

In 1979 Pac-Man regained his life and his career after Pope John Paul II, a close friend, intervened. Soon after Pac-Man was approached by Namco employee Toru Iwatani about making a video game based off his life adventures.

Pac-Man the arcade game was a huge success and it damaged the minds of teenagers all across the United States. Currently, Pac-Man serves as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations and is living comfortably with his wife Ms. Pac-Man. He also appears every no and then on TNA as part of Team Pacman with his partner Ronaldo "The Fact" Killingsvanillderburg.

Pac-Man's role in the late 1980s and early 1990s is yet subject to heated debate. Many scholars argue that this game was largely responsible for the shift in world thinking in the 1980s concerning the viability of Communism, and thus is more or less directly responsible for the end of the Cold War; those scholars are, however, wrong.

edit Professional Sports Career

edit Dallas Cowboys

Opting not to capitalize on the success of his eponymous 1980 arcade hit, Pac-Man left Namco in 1981 to pursue a career as a professional football player. His dreams of playing in the NFL finally came to fruition when he joined the Dallas Cowboys as an undrafted free agent in 1981. Most media outlets and fans alike criticized Cowboys head coach at the time, Tom Landry, for the acquistion as merely a marketing ploy to capatilize on the recent "Pac-Man fever" (also called "the shits" in China) craze especially since Pac-Man's short, stocky frame could only serve him a role as a butterball treat or Jerry Seinfeld's demented, bald friend for a hit sitcom.

The start of Pac-Man's rookie 1982 season was marked by an uproar of hostility by Cowboys fans when Landry awarded him a starting position on the team as a cornerback. Many fans soon questioned Landry's sexuality as they pondered how much he had taken it in the ass to assign Pac-Man such a position on the team when his only experience in going after balls aside from the Pac-Man arcade game was when he wrestled Andre the Giant at a charity match. Many loyal fans boycotted the Cowboy's home games in an effort to persuade Cowboy's owner at the time, H.R. "Bum" Bright, into not only releasing Pac-Man from the team but to also fire Landry.

Pac-Man's 1982 season proved to be disastrous when he allowed over 90 touchdowns. Even the most lackluster wide-receivers utilized their speed and height advantage over Pac-Man to complete touchdown passes and score practically at will. Such a size disadvantage helped usher the Cowboys into an all time low point in their history as they eeked out a miserable 1-15 record.

By the 1983 season, Pac-Man had consistenty missed practice and had become one of the focal points in the media's scrutiny of the entire Dallas Cowboys organization. Following a gay club shooting in which a straight man was castrated and a rabid pooch injured, the media once again focused it's attention on Pac-Man as he had been confirmed as a possible suspect in the shooting. On November 3, 1982, Pac-Man was found not guilty of the long list of charges he faced due to lack of evidence.

Pac-Man sat out the entire 1984 season due to an undisclosed "anal injury." Some sources, speculate that he was simply holding out from the team due to his demand for more money while others strongly maintain that he was butt-raped by Landry too roughly. Amidst growing media speculation of a butt-fuck love triangle among Bright, Landry, and himself, Pac-Man announced his retirement from professional football on December 19, 1984.

edit UFC

Long after his football years, Pac-Man discovered a craze as kindled as the Pac-Man craze from years back in the mixed martial arts phenomenon and decided to become a mixed martian artist. A dozen amateur fights at some questionable bar mitzvahs gained Pac-Man recognition as a growing threat to professional MMA fighters across the globe, which eventually landed him in the UFC in 2008.

Despite receiving the pay of a shoe shiner in an virus-infested slum (see minimum wage), Pac-Man headlined in his first professional heavyweight bout against UFC heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar in a highly anticipated bout billed as "The Mighty Meatball Vs. The Mighty Meathead." Although Pac-Man had followed a steady diet of peas and munchkins, his failure to make weight by at least 200 pounds turned it into a non-title fight. Longtime hermaphrodite and UFC veteran referee Herb "and Spices" Dean disqualified Pac-Man in only 10 seconds of the first round of the non-title fight for "allegedly" chomping off Lesnar's head to the delight of many UFC fans in attendance of which half were too drunk to realize that they were chanting "GSP" the whole fight.

Pac-Man has currently appealed the no-contest ruling citing that Brock was a big panzy and is confident that the decision will be overturned stating, "Waka waka waka, after I win the appeal, perhaps most complexing of the victory will be whether to rule it a KO or a Fatality."

edit That Sound That Pac-Man Makes

Pac Man WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA

The murderous son of a bitch is at it again.

Pac-Man is not a cow. In fact, he is the disciple of Packman, the last name of Abe Lincoln's killer.

"Wakka Wakka Wakka" is a modern translation, derived from the Latin "Wagja," (pronounced Wa-ki-ah) meaning "OPAH!". The common term is used as a form of intimidation, mainly against ghosts and tramps. When the dreaded words "Wakka Wakka Wakka" are spoken entire worlds crumble under the power of Pac-man. Just hearing the words is enough to make a Communist out of you.

edit Movie rights

Several weeks ago Pac-Man sold the rights to his story to the Weinstein brothers so that his life could be reenacted as a movie. Fans are already speculating how it will play out. Only one picture has been released and it circled the globe like a wildfire or flash flood.

According to a July 2009 issue of Vanity Fair, Vin Diesel has expressed interest in portraying the titular Pac-Man on screen citing "What can I say? I got the munchies."

A script is currently in development by the Weinstein brothers. They state that perhaps their biggest task in faithfully representing the hit 1980 classic Pac-Man on the big screen is developing a plot that can serve the film more than a runtime of 2 minutes with nothing but maze-like pellet eating. Longtime musician and film composer Danny Elfman is currently attached to the project as well and is confident he can mold the ever so popular "waka waka" sound effects from the video game into a full fledged musical composition.

edit Family tree

                        01001001010100101 ↔ Crash Bandicoot
                                ↓
                              Tom Hanks  
                                   ↓
                            PacMan ↔ PacWoman
                                    ↓
                 Sonic the Hedgehog ↔ Mario
                                    ↓
                         Steve Jobs ↔ Jimbo Whales
                                    ↓
                          Ash Ketum ↔ Carrot Top
                                    ↓
                            Gingers ↔ More Gingers
                                    ↓
                        All of the world's problems
                                    ↓
                                 Liberals 

edit Audio

Do de dum de diddly doo, Do de dum de diddly doo, Do de dum de diddly doo, doo doo doo doo Waka- waka waka-waka waka-waka waka-waka waka-waka waka-waka waka-waka waka-waka waka-waka waka-waka waka-waka waka-waka waka-waka waka-waka

edit See also

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