Paavo Lipponen

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Paavo Lipponen
No image whatsoever, and you should be thankful for it!
Term of office: 47 Hours 17 Minutes
Preceded by: Massively Parallel OLAP Query
Succeeded by: Horrified Silence
Specific Gravity: 9 (Lead)
Date of Birth: Dec. 22nd, 1929
Refractive Index: 4.2
Hobbies: Self-flagellation
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Paavo Moses Lipponen (born April 23, 1941), commonly known as the Paavo Virus, is an Finnish accidental political genius who briefly served as the President Of Finland from Feb. 9th 1993 to Feb 10th 1993.

edit His Rise To Power

Sick of decades of misrule by a succession of misogynistic Peruvian biochemists the Finnish people demanded a popular referendum for a quintesstianlly "Finnish" President.

To this end they demanded that the next President of Finland must be:

  • named "Paavo"
  • freezing cold
  • one like them with the aspirations of the classical Finnish peasant or umlautenbork
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The Finnish National Census Office, after running a massively parallel OLAP query lasting almost twelve days, identified one Paavo "Virus" Lipponen, an Anchovy Sexer aged 63 from Vuorenkyläntie near Paanajärvi, Northern Ostrobothnia, as the most authentic living Finn. Thus on Feb 9th 1993 the oblivious Virus was interrupted by a delegation of Finnish Parliamentary deputies during his morning sauna self-flagellation with a birch branch, thrown stark naked and screaming into the Presidential palanquin and transported directly to the steps of the Finnish Parliament where he was immediately proclaimed President, live on Euro-Satellite TV.

Heavily censored images of this event are available from the Helsinki National Library.

edit Early Reforms

Despite the international humiliation accorded Virus by his unorthodox debut into Finnish politics, Virus set about implementing a distinctly umlauternborken manifesto for the advancement of Finland. His early reforms were aimed at making Finland a global energy superpower by the creation of alternative fuels in which Finland possessed a natural competitive advantage. He immediately approved Project Mootoorikelkkathe for the development of Glacier-Powered Motor Vehicles (Moottorikelkka) with the first prototypes achieving speeds of four inches per year.

It is hoped that the enormous size of the Moottorikelkka can be somehow reduced.

edit The OGEC War

International reaction to the early success of Project Mootoorikelkkathe was immediate. Norway, Canada, Greenland, Iceland and Tuvalu immediately formed OGEC, the Organisation of Glacier-Exporting Countries, which was then joined by Alaska after it seceeded from the USA two days later.

For its part, the USA, perceiving a threat to its control of global energy, junked and reformulated the Axis Of Evil, instantiating Finland as the chief threat to global peace and security. The consequent surprise invasion of Finland from the North resulted in the death of six divisions of US Marines from frostbite, Polar Bear attack and starvation1 with no Finnish casualties.

Commented US President J. Quincy Torturechamber

"We knew the Finns subsisted entirely on raw penguin and ran around naked in the snow all day long, but who'd have thought that they were all 9 feet tall, weighed 300lbs, were capable of swimming kilometres unaided under polar ice and had foot-long razor-sharp claws ??? We give up."

Consequent to this unconditional surrender the USA therefore became Finland's largest off-shore island.

edit The Final Days

And so, after a corkingly successful first 48 hours in office, Virus said good night to his footman and retired to the Presidential Sauna with a bottle of Anchovy Schnapps, a freshly-cut Birch branch and his pet Warthog, Snuffy...and disappeared.

Inspection of the Palace closed-circuit TV later revealed the President had suffered an epileptic seizure while self-flagellating and had been unable to stop, thus dicing himself into more than one thousand bite-sized chunks, in the process dropping the bottle of Anchovy Schnapps which smashed, so marinating the (now ex-) President, which the initially horrified, but suddenly peckish, Snuffy simply, and quite understandably, ate.

Copies of the CC video of Virus's death were entered into the Cannes Film Festival and scored an unprecedented double in the Comic Short Film and Horror categories, whereupon Virus was awarded (posthumously) the Golden Buffoon and Petit Meat-Cleaver

edit His Legacy

Virus left behind him a grateful population, not only of Finland, but of the entire planet, as in 48 hours Virus had:

  • Weaned the planet off fossil fuels.
  • Neutralised the United States, thus leading to Peace in the Middle East.
  • Propelled Finland (and Tuvalu) into a Golden Age of global prominence.
  • Provided two of the most extraordinary sequences of video footage in human history.

His other, or minor, legacies included one helluva stain on the Presidential Sauna floor and a Warthog with botulism.

edit Footnotes

1. The absence of fast food outlets in the far Arctic circle bought the US supply lines to a standstill, many GI's suffering horrific dental lacerations from trying to eat hamurger-shaped rocks.

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