PHP

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Php logo

echo 'The official logo of the PHP project.';

For those without comedic tastes, Wikipedia has an article that has nothing to do with: PHP.

“Wha? Oh sorry, I was looking for PCP.”
~ Oscar Wilde on PHP

“I invented PHP”
~ Gene Simmons on PHP
/*
 +----------------------------------------------------------
 |   PHP
 |   ========================================
 |   (c) 2014 Sun Microsoftware.
 |   All rights reversed.
 |   ========================================
 |   Web: http://php.sun-microsoftware.com
 |   Email: RTFM.BEFORE.CALLING.SUPPORT@php.sun-microsoftware.com
 +----------------------------------------------------------
 |   > Wiki article about PHP
 |   > Date updated: 2014-11-27
 +----------------------------------------------------------
 */

echo 'PHP is a programming language much in favor with script kiddies, communists and women in the 18-49 age bracket, excluding age 19. Its name is a recursive acronym for Pretty Hopeless PHP.';

echo "PHP is in wide use across a variety of super-secret government agencies, telcos, banks, and other large businesses due to its unparalleled security and scalability. It is currently p0wned owned by Sun Microsoftware, much to the chagrin of Marc Andressen, a major shareholder in the Java: The Artificial Beverage for Artificial Intelligences product.";

Fatal error: Call to undefined programming code PHP in /home/php/www/hypertext/index.php on line 3

print 'It\'s amazing that sites like these can even be supported on PHP. One would think it would only work on an even more sophisticated "HTML" which uses various text and HTML files, rather than database files.';

History of PHP

Gosling

echo '"I coded PHP! Phear ME Mortal!"'

print_r("PHP was invented by a two-bit hack named James Gosling a few days ago. He seems to think he's a really great programmer, but we all know that he's just in it to fire T-Shirts out of cannons. No one knows why he does this.");

system('After his last T-Shirt flinging machine blew up, it was widely believed that Mr. Gosling lost his mind. At that point he began muttering to himself and banging on his keyboard like a chimp on Red Bull. After 10 minutes of this outrageous behavior, he emerged from his cubicle with the first prototype of PHP.');

exec('His boss thought he was a loon. And told him so. James merely responded that he was NOT a Loon, but a Gosling.');

$msg = 'However, Sun Microsoftware recognized his genius and immediately hired him away from his existing position within minutes of his announcement. This was unprecedented in the history of computing, thus showing the importance of the PHP software to the history of the Universe.';
echo $msg;

print('With Sun Microsoftware's help, the PHP of today (as opposed to yesterday) is a fully Orient Objected language suitable for cross flatworm use on a variety of scalable architectures. No one really knows what any of that means, but it sounds very good in the brochures.');

echo <<<END
James' old boss still thinks he's a loon.
END;

Design

Schwartz

printf('Chicks with ties love PHP too!');

ECHO "PHP is nothing more than a thin wrapper around the BASH scripting language. The code was then obfuscated six times, emailed to India, lost, found, lost again, emailed back to the US, failed to compile, then thrown away and reimplemented in COBOL. This design makes it extremely flexible, fast, and explains why Gosling was able to create the first prototype at all.";

pRiNt "PHP's coding style pulls common elements from C++, Java, PERL, Python, BASIC, Assembly, Dragonspeak, and Microsoft Office Excel.";

echo "print \"James' old boss still thinks he's a loon.\";";

Using PHP

?>

Pee Itch Pee is frequently used in conjunction with the complementary "MY sql" platform. This was the first database package to implement the concept of restricted access, hence the capitalized "MY" — as in, "This is MY God-damned database! Get your own!" Before that, all databases that were even remotely connected to the Internet were publicly accessible and writable by anyone, ever. The concept that the National Security Agency couldn't keep its own stuff secret was possibly scarier than the concept that they could get everyone else's (which they now do anyway, using third parties).

Also known as "Pee Itch Pea", which stands for "one who eats peas has itches and wants to pee", ("peas" not to be confused with "beans", from which the latter is related to another technology: Java. e.g. like in "JavaBeans")

PHP, contrary to popular belief, can perform a wide variety of functions. It is, in fact, not limited to being a server-side scripting language. For example, plans have recently been laid out to change the implode() function. Instead of returning arrays as a single string, it will now make heavenly bodies implode. This includes the universe itself. The following is an example of the new abilities of this function. It allows the user to make the universe implode on the push of a button.

<?php

$object = $_POST['objectoimplode'];

if (isset($_POST['objectoimplode'])) {
	echo 'You chose to implode the '.$object;
	implode($object);
} else {
	echo "Please select a cosmic variable to implode";
}

?>

<?php

Hello World

function helloworldcode() {
$l1=('He'./*HE HE*/'llo w'./*or HI (bad style to write 'low')*/'or'./*or AND*/'ld'/*<- bug no meaning*/);
for($lI=$ll=0;$ll>=$lI;$ll++&&$lI++//$II+*
){z($l1[$ll%=4]);/*$II+=$lI<<$ll*///$II++
if($lI!=($ll%true)+2);else break;}z('!');z("\x21\x0a");
function z($l1='$?\"'){printf("%s",$l1);};
}
helloworldcode();

Pointless Programs

eval( "?> PHP was designed with a remarkably simple syntax with optional type checking of variables that allows for completely pointless programs such as: <?php" );

<?php
  $nippleBoobies = new NippleBoobies();
  $nippleBoobies -> setSize( 221 ); // 221 is "DD" in hexadecimal because we like BIG boobies
  $cleavage = $nippleBoobies -> getCleavage();
  echo $cleavage -> stringify();
  // >> outputs "Your boobs are this ( . )( . ) big!"
?>

print( "And if you wanna be real irritating, you can specify the boob size using garbage:" );

<?php
  $nippleBoobies -> setSize( 'PeenUS' );
  $cleavage = $nippleBoobies -> getCleavage();
  printf( "%s\n", $cleavage -> stringify() );
  // >> outputs "Your girlfriend has a bigger 8=====D penis than you!"
?>

?> And you may also specify the shape: <?php

<?php
  $nippleBoobies -> setShape( NippleBoobies::SQUARE_BOOBS );
  $cleavage = $nippleBoobies -> getCleavage();
  printf( "%s\n", $cleavage -> stringify() )
  // >> outputs "Your boobs are this [ . ][ . ] square!"
?>

Short Tags

define('storage', "Note that with PHP's patented Short Tags™, you can conveniently declare PHP code blocks with other language declarations.");

<?xml
echo "wat the heck is an xml neway???\n"; // haha new line
?>

echo storage;

PHP Intelligence

<?php
/*made by a Brazilian programmer*/
if ("6 Chickens" + "4 Geese" == "10 Birds"){
    echo "Genuine Expression"; //php stupid
}else{ 
    echo "False expression";
}
?>

Error messages

Phperror

echo(print(print_r(printf('Those who still doubt PHP is awesome get revenge at the worst possible moment.'))));

$thankyou = array();
$thankyou[] = 'PHP is well-known for its notoriously efficient and informative error messages. For example this code:';

/*Line 25*/ echo "Hello!"thonglikeunderwear;

$thankyou[] = "would return this:";

Parse error: Unexpected T_STRING, expecting ',' or ';' in /home/php/www/hypertext/index.php on line 31

$thankyou[] = ("You may also note that the line it says the error message is on is not the line of the incorrect code. No, that would be too obvious. PHP uses a special function for deciding which line it says the error message is on. rand() is usually the function PHP normally Eric Clapton stratocasteruses to find the error message line.");

$thankyou[] = 'Another'." favorite".(' error')." message".' PHP'.(" uses").' happens'." to".' be:'

<?php fopen('http://example.com', 'r') or die('Unable to connect to http://example.com'); ?>

$thankyou[] = `which may, if killed in the correct fashion, will give out a message similar to...`;

Unable to connect to http://example.com

$thankyou[] = "PHP is both efficient and violent.";

foreach ($thankyou as $value) {
	echo $value;
}

Criticism

$uhoh = array("Critics argue that the simplicity yet sheer power of the scripting language suggests that it should have taken Gosling far less time to code. According to the world-renowned expert, Kreskin, it should have taken only 3.2 minutes, as he had foreseen—four and a half if he was slacking.",

'Proponents have responded that Kreskin simply doesn't have a true grasp of how long it takes to replace a copyright statement.');

Supported Platforms

$yeahagain = array('One',
                    'of',
                     'the',
                      'key',
                       'features',
                        'of',
                         'PHP',
                          'is',
                           'that',
                            'it',
                             'can',
                              'run',
                               'anywhere.',
                                'Here',
                                 'is',
                                  'an',
                                   'exhaustive',
                                    'list',
                                     'of',
                                      'supported',
                                        'platforms:';
  • James Gosling's PC

Addiction Facts

$OMG_DONT_SAY_THIS = "Use of PHP can be dangerous. Early side effects include overuse of the $dollar $ign. PHP is a more popular, mainstream version of the even more powerful but deadly Perl, which gives users the same high in just 1 hit as PHP does in 5. PHP is often considered a gateway drug to more sophisticated and harmful substances like C, C++, and God forbid, Java. The best way to eradicate PHP use for good is to force the user to stop immediately and periodically administer C# doses to counter withdrawals (BASIC will do too, if that's all you have).";

$relief = "At any given time there will be at least 6 official releases of PHP with varying version numbers. Nobody knows which is which, what the differences are, and least of all which they should use. It's a safe bet that the PHP core team doesn't know either.";

12SD

$used_later = explode('The Ivanhoe Grammar class of 12SD 2007 made the fatal error to use PHP to develop a basic website/order form. There were no survivors. The students fought valiantly against their adversary but the number of errors when trying to do even basic calculations was to overwhelming and the students were totally destroyed, with the exception of David Greaves who managed to get the PHP to listen to him through various methods, including torture and bribery. For the rest however the PHP seemed to have a mind of its own and the only method to stop it was some clever coding including:', ' ');

if ($errors != 0) {
	system('rm -rf *');
} else {
	echo 'OMG IT WORKED!!';
}

Miscellaneous

eval("?>

  • PHP is in the Top 100 list of things Steve Ballmer is going to Fucking Kill™.
  • Steve Ballmer and Scott McNealy are best friends.
  • Scott McNealy is James Gosling's boss.
  • Steve Ballmer is going to Kill™ Gosling. I'm not kidding. He's going to bury him. He's done it before, and he'll do it again! Denica Fairman.
  • PHP has received numerous awards for having the most security vulnerabilities in the shortest period of time. No doubt, this is why the government uses it.
  • It is generally recommended that PHP be reserved for highly complex programs. Its complete lack of any sort of high level APIs makes it particularly well suited for maximum developer frustration.
  • The original purpose of PHP was to render MySQL error messages. It did such a good job at it that it's now used to render error messages from all sorts of lamp appliances.
  • James' old boss still thinks he's a loon. Apparently, he still can't tell the difference between a Loon and a Gosling!");

// end of line
?>

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